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Thread: Grad students, do you have meeting with your advisor outside of business hours?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Why do you think he's lying to you?
    It just seemed odd heís meeting at 8pm on a Friday and also, I didnít really ask either... idk I felt he couldíve just asked if we could do tomorrow/Sunday and not provide any additional info or just say he was busy tonight. Maybe itís a good thing he went into specifics? I donít know.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think its actually nice he offered up what he was doing. making it obvious. hes busy but, its not a date. Why would he lie? If that's what you're thinking....

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I think its actually nice he offered up what he was doing. making it obvious. hes busy but, its not a date. Why would he lie? If that's what you're thinking....
    Yeah I donít know why he would lie either. Itís just the safe thing to assume that both parties are probably still dating other people but Iíd rather be more ignorant and not know when heís going on a date with someone else, which again I am probably overthinking this by thinking he is actually going on a date tonight.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    Thanks for all the responses I am definitely over thinking things. I have a feeling that this is too good to be true because he isnít like anyone Iíve dated. He even brought me a gift on our second date based on something I mentioned I really liked on our first date. He might be a keeper
    I think the problem is you're getting way ahead of yourself with a near stranger which then ends up with you overthinking about his sharing information about his plan. For all you know he's dating his advisor - he's not committed to you. That's nice that that he got you a gift that was personal. I had men bring me little gifts on first meets based on something I said I liked. Very sweet, irrelevant to whether he was right for me long term.

    You know what my husband brought on our first lunch date at a somewhat fancy restaurant he chose? He brought an empty pocket. Empty of his wallet he left at the office we both worked at lol. He forgot it. You know why I wanted to see him again? Because the very first question he asked me was why I chose the field we were both in. Because he cared about whether I was passionate about our chosen field. He was so very shy and reserved and yet he knew what was important to him to know about me as far as future potential. That was 25 years ago this month. Want to know what he did about 11 years ago? He quietly went into another room to call his friend who was a doctor. He suspected I might be having a stroke and he knew I wouldn't leave my 12 day old son to go to the ER - not easily - so he called his friend who told him -yes, it sounds like that, do not tell her you think so but find a way to get her to go and get checked out. He basically saved my life that night (even though I was misdiagnosed then and not properly diagnosed till two days later).

    He won't finish the cake we love without asking me or he'll leave enough for me. And he does "Daddy's Fun Math Academy" with our son from time to time because he knows I suck at math and so our son's brain isn't a casualty of quarantining. So yes he's a keeper.

    You have no clue if he's a keeper. None. You have no clue if he is telling you the truth. It's all a risk. One way to balance the risks against the benefits is to take things at a a reasonable pace -none of this "keeper" nonsense -your pairs of socks are keepers far more than him -you know them longer. Another way is to watch the feet not the lips -what he does not what he says -over a long period of time -at least several months. And trust -you'll know that over time. Not based on an offhand comment about his Saturday night plans. And yes people are meeting at all sorts of odd hours especially because of covid.

    Meet in public places, don't have sex if you get attached through sex, and date him over a period of months in order to figure out if he has even potential to be a keeper. And have fun!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how long you two have been seeing each other? Guess I'm just wondering if you're thirsty for something here you're not getting or have yet to broach with him, which of course is understandable. Early jitters, and so on. But the instinct to be this suspicious about something so seemingly innocuous is, well, the sort of thing that can really hamper a fledgling connection.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think the problem is you're getting way ahead of yourself with a near stranger which then ends up with you overthinking about his sharing information about his plan. For all you know he's dating his advisor - he's not committed to you. That's nice that that he got you a gift that was personal. I had men bring me little gifts on first meets based on something I said I liked. Very sweet, irrelevant to whether he was right for me long term.

    You know what my husband brought on our first lunch date at a somewhat fancy restaurant he chose? He brought an empty pocket. Empty of his wallet he left at the office we both worked at lol. He forgot it. You know why I wanted to see him again? Because the very first question he asked me was why I chose the field we were both in. Because he cared about whether I was passionate about our chosen field. He was so very shy and reserved and yet he knew what was important to him to know about me as far as future potential. That was 25 years ago this month. Want to know what he did about 11 years ago? He quietly went into another room to call his friend who was a doctor. He suspected I might be having a stroke and he knew I wouldn't leave my 12 day old son to go to the ER - not easily - so he called his friend who told him -yes, it sounds like that, do not tell her you think so but find a way to get her to go and get checked out. He basically saved my life that night (even though I was misdiagnosed then and not properly diagnosed till two days later).

    He won't finish the cake we love without asking me or he'll leave enough for me. And he does "Daddy's Fun Math Academy" with our son from time to time because he knows I suck at math and so our son's brain isn't a casualty of quarantining. So yes he's a keeper.

    You have no clue if he's a keeper. None. You have no clue if he is telling you the truth. It's all a risk. One way to balance the risks against the benefits is to take things at a a reasonable pace -none of this "keeper" nonsense -your pairs of socks are keepers far more than him -you know them longer. Another way is to watch the feet not the lips -what he does not what he says -over a long period of time -at least several months. And trust -you'll know that over time. Not based on an offhand comment about his Saturday night plans. And yes people are meeting at all sorts of odd hours especially because of covid.

    Meet in public places, don't have sex if you get attached through sex, and date him over a period of months in order to figure out if he has even potential to be a keeper. And have fun!
    Very true, you always provide great insight, thank you

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how long you two have been seeing each other? Guess I'm just wondering if you're thirsty for something here you're not getting or have yet to broach with him, which of course is understandable. Early jitters, and so on. But the instinct to be this suspicious about something so seemingly innocuous is, well, the sort of thing that can really hamper a fledgling connection.
    We havenít been seeing each other for long. I definitely have no right to be so suspicious, I can realize that Iím not thinking logically. And I agree, something like this can definitely hamper a connection. I do overthink all the time so I need to learn to go with the flow and take it one day at a time

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're curious. That's a trait of someone who's alert, not suspicious. You know yourself best so never apologize for being aware of yourself and others. It can flit through your mind and you can make a mental note if anything seems off later but don't dwell on it. That's all.

    If you like him, you like him. Enjoy all of that. Whether or not he proves to be a great person throughout is something left to time so let time do the talking and I hope you both enjoy Sunday. Get to know each other a little better. You said he is interesting to you. There should be some reciprocity there and he should be taking just as much interest in your life.

  10. #19
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    Grad students, do you have meeting with your advisor outside of business hours?

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're curious. That's a trait of someone who's alert, not suspicious. You know yourself best so never apologize for being aware of yourself and others. It can flit through your mind and you can make a mental note if anything seems off later but don't dwell on it. That's all.

    If you like him, you like him. Enjoy all of that. Whether or not he proves to be a great person throughout is something left to time so let time do the talking and I hope you both enjoy Sunday. Get to know each other a little better. You said he is interesting to you. There should be some reciprocity there and he should be taking just as much interest in your life.
    I do feel there reciprocity. But I feel like I need an insanity check... he has unmatched me on bumble. Deleted accounts still show the convo but our convo has completely disappeared which is how I know he unmatched.

    My gut and instincts are just telling me all this is a bit shady. Weíre not exclusive so if he is updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide it?

    We agreed on doing something Saturday but have not set a time yet. I donít think Iím going to reach out for a time and let him come to me for that

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    I do feel there reciprocity. But I feel like I need an insanity check... he has unmatched me on bumble. Deleted accounts still show the convo but our convo has completely disappeared which is how I know he unmatched.

    My gut and instincts are just telling me all this is a bit shady. Weíre not exclusive so if he is updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide it?

    We agreed on doing something Saturday but have not set a time yet. I donít think Iím going to reach out for a time and let him come to me for that
    He could have accidentally swiped it or deleted/unmatched it if he was cleaning up the messages. I agree with you about your gut feelings on this one. I thought you were seeing him on Sunday. Did he change it to Saturday or did you suggest it?

    If you don't feel good about meeting him, cancel it. Or wait for him to reach out to you. I think you're wasting your time. Find someone less unpredictable or childish. Or carry on checking out other potential dates.

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