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Grad students, do you have meeting with your advisor outside of business hours?


jackie103

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I started dating someone from bumble (we are not exclusive) and we get along great and are both into one another. He’s really sweet and treats me right unlike a lot of others I have dated. He’s a masters student and is writing his thesis and should be defending this coming fall.

 

Last time I saw him (Wednesday) we talked about doing something this Saturday. I texted him today with some ideas, thinking he’d know I was talking about the weekend and not tonight especially since I mentioned some activities that are typically done during the day.

 

Anyway, once we decided on an activity, he wrote back saying “how about tomorrow/Sunday? I have a meeting with my advisor tonight at 8pm”. I am probably being insecure and crazy but it seemed kind of weird/fishy that he would feel the need to tell me what he was doing tonight instead of just asking if we could do tomorrow/Sunday. And I know we are not exclusive so he is free to see others but he could’ve just said he couldn’t tonight and left it at that, even though I wasn’t asking about tonight.

 

We haven’t had the talk about if we are still dating others yet so it’s obviously still okay if he is seeing others, it just seems weird he would have an advisor meeting 8pm on a Friday night and if it’s not true, that he would lie to me about it when I didn’t even ask.

 

I’m not in academia so I don’t know what’s the norm and what’s not.

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I'd leave it and don't overthink it. Chances are you're getting ahead of yourself. The world is upside down at the moment and schedules and routines have changed. Just see him on Sunday and ask him how his meeting went and ask more about what his thesis is about. Overall, does he seem like an interesting person to you?

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I am a grad student. I no longer meet with my advisor in person d/t COVID but we have done Zoom meetings together. My brother is a grad student, PhD, and he meets with his advisor a LOT. Again, not in person anymore but now it's over Zoom. I think he has weekly or more meetings now and sometimes in the evening because that's what works best for his advisor.

 

Keep in mind that some advisors are working professionals and meeting outside of regular business hours because they have to. Mine works part time/teaches part time AND is my advisor.

 

You're overthinking it.

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I'd leave it and don't overthink it. Chances are you're getting ahead of yourself. The world is upside down at the moment and schedules and routines have changed. Just see him on Sunday and ask him how his meeting went and ask more about what his thesis is about. Overall, does he seem like an interesting person to you?

 

Yes he is very interesting! Seems like a real nice guy too but I’m always wary in the beginning because a lot of people can act that way and then turn out to not really be like that

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I started dating someone from bumble (we are not exclusive) and we get along great and are both into one another. He’s really sweet and treats me right unlike a lot of others I have dated. He’s a masters student and is writing his thesis and should be defending this coming fall.

 

Last time I saw him (Wednesday) we talked about doing something this Saturday. I texted him today with some ideas, thinking he’d know I was talking about the weekend and not tonight especially since I mentioned some activities that are typically done during the day.

 

Anyway, once we decided on an activity, he wrote back saying “how about tomorrow/Sunday? I have a meeting with my advisor tonight at 8pm”. I am probably being insecure and crazy but it seemed kind of weird/fishy that he would feel the need to tell me what he was doing tonight instead of just asking if we could do tomorrow/Sunday. And I know we are not exclusive so he is free to see others but he could’ve just said he couldn’t tonight and left it at that, even though I wasn’t asking about tonight.

 

We haven’t had the talk about if we are still dating others yet so it’s obviously still okay if he is seeing others, it just seems weird he would have an advisor meeting 8pm on a Friday night and if it’s not true, that he would lie to me about it when I didn’t even ask.

 

I’m not in academia so I don’t know what’s the norm and what’s not.

That about sums it up.
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When I was studying I'd usually meet my teachers for such meetings outside of business hours. During business hours they'd be busy teaching, and when they did have a break during business hours they'd want to spend it to actually have a real break in a long working day. I don't think this is really unusual.

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Thanks for all the responses I am definitely over thinking things. I have a feeling that this is too good to be true because he isn’t like anyone I’ve dated. He even brought me a gift on our second date based on something I mentioned I really liked on our first date. He might be a keeper

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Why do you think he's lying to you?

 

It just seemed odd he’s meeting at 8pm on a Friday and also, I didn’t really ask either... idk I felt he could’ve just asked if we could do tomorrow/Sunday and not provide any additional info or just say he was busy tonight. Maybe it’s a good thing he went into specifics? I don’t know.

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I think its actually nice he offered up what he was doing. making it obvious. hes busy but, its not a date. Why would he lie? If that's what you're thinking....

 

Yeah I don’t know why he would lie either. It’s just the safe thing to assume that both parties are probably still dating other people but I’d rather be more ignorant and not know when he’s going on a date with someone else, which again I am probably overthinking this by thinking he is actually going on a date tonight.

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Thanks for all the responses I am definitely over thinking things. I have a feeling that this is too good to be true because he isn’t like anyone I’ve dated. He even brought me a gift on our second date based on something I mentioned I really liked on our first date. He might be a keeper

 

I think the problem is you're getting way ahead of yourself with a near stranger which then ends up with you overthinking about his sharing information about his plan. For all you know he's dating his advisor - he's not committed to you. That's nice that that he got you a gift that was personal. I had men bring me little gifts on first meets based on something I said I liked. Very sweet, irrelevant to whether he was right for me long term.

 

You know what my husband brought on our first lunch date at a somewhat fancy restaurant he chose? He brought an empty pocket. Empty of his wallet he left at the office we both worked at lol. He forgot it. You know why I wanted to see him again? Because the very first question he asked me was why I chose the field we were both in. Because he cared about whether I was passionate about our chosen field. He was so very shy and reserved and yet he knew what was important to him to know about me as far as future potential. That was 25 years ago this month. Want to know what he did about 11 years ago? He quietly went into another room to call his friend who was a doctor. He suspected I might be having a stroke and he knew I wouldn't leave my 12 day old son to go to the ER - not easily - so he called his friend who told him -yes, it sounds like that, do not tell her you think so but find a way to get her to go and get checked out. He basically saved my life that night (even though I was misdiagnosed then and not properly diagnosed till two days later).

 

He won't finish the cake we love without asking me or he'll leave enough for me. And he does "Daddy's Fun Math Academy" with our son from time to time because he knows I suck at math and so our son's brain isn't a casualty of quarantining. So yes he's a keeper.

 

You have no clue if he's a keeper. None. You have no clue if he is telling you the truth. It's all a risk. One way to balance the risks against the benefits is to take things at a a reasonable pace -none of this "keeper" nonsense -your pairs of socks are keepers far more than him -you know them longer. Another way is to watch the feet not the lips -what he does not what he says -over a long period of time -at least several months. And trust -you'll know that over time. Not based on an offhand comment about his Saturday night plans. And yes people are meeting at all sorts of odd hours especially because of covid.

 

Meet in public places, don't have sex if you get attached through sex, and date him over a period of months in order to figure out if he has even potential to be a keeper. And have fun!

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Can I ask how long you two have been seeing each other? Guess I'm just wondering if you're thirsty for something here you're not getting or have yet to broach with him, which of course is understandable. Early jitters, and so on. But the instinct to be this suspicious about something so seemingly innocuous is, well, the sort of thing that can really hamper a fledgling connection.

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I think the problem is you're getting way ahead of yourself with a near stranger which then ends up with you overthinking about his sharing information about his plan. For all you know he's dating his advisor - he's not committed to you. That's nice that that he got you a gift that was personal. I had men bring me little gifts on first meets based on something I said I liked. Very sweet, irrelevant to whether he was right for me long term.

 

You know what my husband brought on our first lunch date at a somewhat fancy restaurant he chose? He brought an empty pocket. Empty of his wallet he left at the office we both worked at lol. He forgot it. You know why I wanted to see him again? Because the very first question he asked me was why I chose the field we were both in. Because he cared about whether I was passionate about our chosen field. He was so very shy and reserved and yet he knew what was important to him to know about me as far as future potential. That was 25 years ago this month. Want to know what he did about 11 years ago? He quietly went into another room to call his friend who was a doctor. He suspected I might be having a stroke and he knew I wouldn't leave my 12 day old son to go to the ER - not easily - so he called his friend who told him -yes, it sounds like that, do not tell her you think so but find a way to get her to go and get checked out. He basically saved my life that night (even though I was misdiagnosed then and not properly diagnosed till two days later).

 

He won't finish the cake we love without asking me or he'll leave enough for me. And he does "Daddy's Fun Math Academy" with our son from time to time because he knows I suck at math and so our son's brain isn't a casualty of quarantining. So yes he's a keeper.

 

You have no clue if he's a keeper. None. You have no clue if he is telling you the truth. It's all a risk. One way to balance the risks against the benefits is to take things at a a reasonable pace -none of this "keeper" nonsense -your pairs of socks are keepers far more than him -you know them longer. Another way is to watch the feet not the lips -what he does not what he says -over a long period of time -at least several months. And trust -you'll know that over time. Not based on an offhand comment about his Saturday night plans. And yes people are meeting at all sorts of odd hours especially because of covid.

 

Meet in public places, don't have sex if you get attached through sex, and date him over a period of months in order to figure out if he has even potential to be a keeper. And have fun!

 

Very true, you always provide great insight, thank you

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Can I ask how long you two have been seeing each other? Guess I'm just wondering if you're thirsty for something here you're not getting or have yet to broach with him, which of course is understandable. Early jitters, and so on. But the instinct to be this suspicious about something so seemingly innocuous is, well, the sort of thing that can really hamper a fledgling connection.

 

We haven’t been seeing each other for long. I definitely have no right to be so suspicious, I can realize that I’m not thinking logically. And I agree, something like this can definitely hamper a connection. I do overthink all the time so I need to learn to go with the flow and take it one day at a time

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I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're curious. That's a trait of someone who's alert, not suspicious. You know yourself best so never apologize for being aware of yourself and others. It can flit through your mind and you can make a mental note if anything seems off later but don't dwell on it. That's all.

 

If you like him, you like him. Enjoy all of that. Whether or not he proves to be a great person throughout is something left to time so let time do the talking and I hope you both enjoy Sunday. Get to know each other a little better. You said he is interesting to you. There should be some reciprocity there and he should be taking just as much interest in your life.

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I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're curious. That's a trait of someone who's alert, not suspicious. You know yourself best so never apologize for being aware of yourself and others. It can flit through your mind and you can make a mental note if anything seems off later but don't dwell on it. That's all.

 

If you like him, you like him. Enjoy all of that. Whether or not he proves to be a great person throughout is something left to time so let time do the talking and I hope you both enjoy Sunday. Get to know each other a little better. You said he is interesting to you. There should be some reciprocity there and he should be taking just as much interest in your life.

 

I do feel there reciprocity. But I feel like I need an insanity check... he has unmatched me on bumble. Deleted accounts still show the convo but our convo has completely disappeared which is how I know he unmatched.

 

My gut and instincts are just telling me all this is a bit shady. We’re not exclusive so if he is updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide it?

 

We agreed on doing something Saturday but have not set a time yet. I don’t think I’m going to reach out for a time and let him come to me for that

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I do feel there reciprocity. But I feel like I need an insanity check... he has unmatched me on bumble. Deleted accounts still show the convo but our convo has completely disappeared which is how I know he unmatched.

 

My gut and instincts are just telling me all this is a bit shady. We’re not exclusive so if he is updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide it?

 

We agreed on doing something Saturday but have not set a time yet. I don’t think I’m going to reach out for a time and let him come to me for that

 

He could have accidentally swiped it or deleted/unmatched it if he was cleaning up the messages. I agree with you about your gut feelings on this one. I thought you were seeing him on Sunday. Did he change it to Saturday or did you suggest it?

 

If you don't feel good about meeting him, cancel it. Or wait for him to reach out to you. I think you're wasting your time. Find someone less unpredictable or childish. Or carry on checking out other potential dates.

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He could have accidentally swiped it or deleted/unmatched it if he was cleaning up the messages. I agree with you about your gut feelings on this one. I thought you were seeing him on Sunday. Did he change it to Saturday or did you suggest it?

 

If you don't feel good about meeting him, cancel it. Or wait for him to reach out to you. I think you're wasting your time. Find someone less unpredictable or childish. Or carry on checking out other potential dates.

 

We had agreed on Saturday from the beginning. I think some posters here thought we said Sunday because he offered Saturday and Sunday up. But yeah I’m gonna wait for him to reach out. Thanks !

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How many dates have you been on and how long have you been talking?

 

It’s still very early - we have been on 3 dates and talking 3-4 weeks. We don’t text much in between dates which I am okay with. We are usually only texting to set up the date up

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Are you afraid he may be pulling back because you are bisexual?

It’s still very early - we have been on 3 dates and talking 3-4 weeks. We don’t text much in between dates which I am okay with. We are usually only texting to set up the date up
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Are you afraid he may be pulling back because you are bisexual?

 

We have not had that conversation yet so he doesn’t know. I’m not afraid of anything right now, I’m just confused.

 

I’ve heard of people deleting matches because they don’t want to constantly see their location and be obsessed but I think that’s being too optimistic. And if he deleted me because he didn’t want me to see him updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide that when we aren’t exclusive?

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