Grad students, do you have meeting with your advisor outside of business hours?

[Batya33]

I do feel there reciprocity. But I feel like I need an insanity check... he has unmatched me on bumble. Deleted accounts still show the convo but our convo has completely disappeared which is how I know he unmatched.

 

My gut and instincts are just telling me all this is a bit shady. We’re not exclusive so if he is updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide it?

 

We agreed on doing something Saturday but have not set a time yet. I don’t think I’m going to reach out for a time and let him come to me for that

 

It's not shady an there's nothing confusing. He may have decided not to see you again (or not) -until there's a time set there is no next date. He may have unmatched you because he met you in person.

 

Here is all you know -you've seen this guy a few times. You don't have another date set at this point. That means there is no next date. If he reaches out to you in the future to plan a date then you will know he wants another date with you. Till then move on. I wouldn't try to analyze what he has done or not done online. Just stick to the basic facts - right now there is no next date. He probably should after 3 dates reach out even if he doesn't wish to see you again but to me anyway 3 dates (with the first being a first meet -right?) it's ok not to do the whole "you're amazing but not for me, wish you well" stuff.

[Wiseman2]

Are you communicating off the site? Then why bother looking at his dating profile? You need to be honest about your sexuality. That's a basic.

We have not had that conversation yet so he doesn’t know. I’m not afraid of anything right now, I’m just confused. deleted me because he didn’t want me to see him updating his profile, why would he feel the need to hide that when we aren’t exclusive?

[jackie103]

I am more confused than ever... I texted him yesterday morning asking what time he was thinking. He responded that it was his friends birthday, they were going out to the lake for a couple hours and that he would call me when they’re heading back, probably around 7.

 

Around 6pm, he sends two voice messages and asks me how 8pm sounds and if I want to go to this bar he plays games at every Saturday night (I forgot he played pool every Saturday night). So I agree to meet him there.

 

I show up and he is playing pool with his friend, who is this older male in his 50s so I join and play with them. I guess they also play chess every weekend so the older male then suggested we play chess, which POI agreed to. so I sat there watching these two men play chess for what seemed like hours.

 

They did ask if I wanted to join in but I honestly had no interest in playing nor have I played in a while so I just said that I’m fine watching. POI did converse with me here and there like normally but I really started to wonder how he thought inviting me out to that was would enjoyable for me. Is he that clueless? And why he said he was free Saturday when he clearly wasn’t...

 

After they played a couples games, he suggest we all play pool again at which I mentioned that it was late and I was gonna head out. He said he should probably go too. He walked me out and we hugged and I left. He hasn’t made the move to kiss me yet through seeing him 4 times now.

 

I kind of chalked it up as being friend zoned but then got a text him his saying it was good to see me and he hopes I had fun playing with them and he’d loved to take me to another restaurant the next time he sees me. Is he leading me on?

[Batya33]

No labels needed- no friend zone -you're not friends. You've been on a few dates. Nothing confusing -he acted in a rude and thoughtless way after inviting you to come spend time with him. I'd be done.

 

He's not leading you on. I suggest you don't date if you jump to such negative conclusions about men's motivations. Yes, he is an individual person who acted thoughtlessly and rudely. He then made a comment about a restaurant. Did he suggest a time and place? Then it's just words. Words are not leading on - you're a grownup - you're not a sheep being lead on. If he follows up with a phone call and a suggestion of a time and place that works for you and you feel like giving him another chance then in the future -if that happens -do it. You accepted a last minute afterthought invitation for a group outing. He chose not to pay attention to you. I personally would be done. I would not label it as "friend zoned" or "lead on". Just an individual who lacks basic manners.

[Seraphim]

Meh, date watching him and his friend have a good time ? NOPE.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Tagging along is not really a date. He doesn't seem too interested. Stop contacting him. Try to move forward.

[DancingFool]

I am more confused than ever... I texted him yesterday morning asking what time he was thinking. He responded that it was his friends birthday, they were going out to the lake for a couple hours and that he would call me when they’re heading back, probably around 7.

 

Around 6pm, he sends two voice messages and asks me how 8pm sounds and if I want to go to this bar he plays games at every Saturday night (I forgot he played pool every Saturday night). So I agree to meet him there.

 

I show up and he is playing pool with his friend, who is this older male in his 50s so I join and play with them. I guess they also play chess every weekend so the older male then suggested we play chess, which POI agreed to. so I sat there watching these two men play chess for what seemed like hours.

 

They did ask if I wanted to join in but I honestly had no interest in playing nor have I played in a while so I just said that I’m fine watching. POI did converse with me here and there like normally but I really started to wonder how he thought inviting me out to that was would enjoyable for me. Is he that clueless? And why he said he was free Saturday when he clearly wasn’t...

 

After they played a couples games, he suggest we all play pool again at which I mentioned that it was late and I was gonna head out. He said he should probably go too. He walked me out and we hugged and I left. He hasn’t made the move to kiss me yet through seeing him 4 times now.

 

I kind of chalked it up as being friend zoned but then got a text him his saying it was good to see me and he hopes I had fun playing with them and he’d loved to take me to another restaurant the next time he sees me. Is he leading me on?

 

Yikes....this is such a you teach people how to treat you moment and what you taught him, OP, is that you can be treated like an afterthought and that you'll come running to hang out like a stray puppy.

 

Basically, you don't know this guy from Adam, but you've already built up this amazing image of him being all that (he isn't living up to it) and you are already way too much into him and way over invested and I suspect that he is well aware of it. That's why he treated you like an afterthought, a sort of test to see how low you'll go and boy did you go low.

 

OP, in the future in all your dating adventures, for the love of.....when a guy acts like that, show some self respect and decline running to meet up with him like some groupie of no account. If he is busy, forgot he had something going on, just tell him to give you a call when he is free to plan a proper date. If he calls, great, if he doesn't, you didn't lose out on a great guy, you lost out on a guy who thought he could get away with treating you like an afterthought.

 

I was absolutely cringing reading that you actually ran to meet him and then continued to stay and watch him play with his pal. Yuck, ick, ick. Don't ever do anything like that again. Never ever ever. When you behave like that you will attract sh$tty men to you because you are showing that you have little to no self worth.

 

Guy treats you like that, call it a day. This guy, just walk away. You've got to raise your standards way way way more than this.

[jackie103]

Yikes....this is such a you teach people how to treat you moment and what you taught him, OP, is that you can be treated like an afterthought and that you'll come running to hang out like a stray puppy.

 

Basically, you don't know this guy from Adam, but you've already built up this amazing image of him being all that (he isn't living up to it) and you are already way too much into him and way over invested and I suspect that he is well aware of it. That's why he treated you like an afterthought, a sort of test to see how low you'll go and boy did you go low.

 

OP, in the future in all your dating adventures, for the love of.....when a guy acts like that, show some self respect and decline running to meet up with him like some groupie of no account. If he is busy, forgot he had something going on, just tell him to give you a call when he is free to plan a proper date. If he calls, great, if he doesn't, you didn't lose out on a great guy, you lost out on a guy who thought he could get away with treating you like an afterthought.

 

I was absolutely cringing reading that you actually ran to meet him and then continued to stay and watch him play with his pal. Yuck, ick, ick. Don't ever do anything like that again. Never ever ever. When you behave like that you will attract sh$tty men to you because you are showing that you have little to no self worth.

 

Guy treats you like that, call it a day. This guy, just walk away. You've got to raise your standards way way way more than this.

 

Totally, I feel like a complete idiot

[Batya33]

Totally, I feel like a complete idiot

 

But that doesn't help you move forward -the beating yourself up. I mean sure have a short pity party if you like then figure out how you plan to react and act next time. I'm sorry things didn't work out.

[Wiseman2]

He's the idiot.

Totally, I feel like a complete idiot

[bluecastle]

Curious: What kind of contact have you had with him since? Any more follow-ups about the restaurant he wanted to try with you?

 

I don't want to throw a curveball into things, but I just don't share the blanket alarmism and negativity about what this last hang "means." Certainly doesn't seem like something to feel like an "idiot" about. As with any early meeting/date, it's either enough to make you up for another hang, or not. Both of those are wins, so to speak, since the stakes at this juncture are inherently low.

 

Guess what I'm saying is that, were I to pinpoint something here to be concerned about, it's not a guy inviting you to hang with a friend but your attitude about it all. On one level, you seem eager to build someone up, fast, working with very little material (some nice texts, a nice gesture on date two) to declare him "different than the others." Meanwhile, as that story is unfolding in your mind, so too is another: of suspicion, paranoia—an eagerness, it seems, to mold equally tenuous material (a meeting with an advisor, a choice to play chess with a pal) to prove he is like the rest, another human who treats you horribly.

 

So if the other night completely killed the buzz for you? All good! Not really a verdict on anyone's idiocy—not yours, not his—but just life, dating. And if you're still interested? Ditto! But maybe give yourself a moment to reflect on your overall attitude about this. If your gut tells you that most people you meet are going to bulldoze you with awful treatment, you're going to find the experiment of connecting very challenging.

[jackie103]

Curious: What kind of contact have you had with him since? Any more follow-ups about the restaurant he wanted to try with you?

 

I don't want to throw a curveball into things, but I just don't share the blanket alarmism and negativity about what this last hang "means." Certainly doesn't seem like something to feel like an "idiot" about. As with any early meeting/date, it's either enough to make you up for another hang, or not. Both of those are wins, so to speak, since the stakes at this juncture are inherently low.

 

Guess what I'm saying is that, were I to pinpoint something here to be concerned about, it's not a guy inviting you to hang with a friend but your attitude about it all. On one level, you seem eager to build someone up, fast, working with very little material (some nice texts, a nice gesture on date two) to declare him "different than the others." Meanwhile, as that story is unfolding in your mind, so too is another: of suspicion, paranoia—an eagerness, it seems, to mold equally tenuous material (a meeting with an advisor, a choice to play chess with a pal) to prove he is like the rest, another human who treats you horribly.

 

So if the other night completely killed the buzz for you? All good! Not really a verdict on anyone's idiocy—not yours, not his—but just life, dating. And if you're still interested? Ditto! But maybe give yourself a moment to reflect on your overall attitude about this. If your gut tells you that most people you meet are going to bulldoze you with awful treatment, you're going to find the experiment of connecting very challenging.

 

I have not heard from him since his last follow up and I’m letting it go at this point.

 

I do get a lot of conflicting advice from friends, and etc. I ALWAYS have a guard up just because I do have trust issues and for the most part, since I haven’t had very good experiences in dating people. I don’t let people in easily but with each passing date, I do loosen up a bit and my guard starts dropping slowly.

 

When this first started, a lot of my friends were jealous and amazed at how he treated me. I’m not going to lie, this definitely affected my views as well. I would voice my concerns to my friends and they would harp on me about giving people a chance and not being pessimistic but I find that at the end of things, my intuition of people is usually correct. Maybe going into dating with this kind of mindset is bad but being overly optimistic also kind of has me ending up with even more disappointment. But that’s not to say I don’t give people chance, but I do have other thoughts in the back of my mind to be honest unless my intuition tells me they are 100% genuine (which I have experienced).

 

I do come here for a secondary opinion from people who dont know me personally for an outside view. I find that that kind of advice is always more realistic and on point.

[Batya33]

You sound like you're describing a long term relationship Why would someone be amazed about someone's treatment of you on a first or second or third date? Amazed? Jealousy about a few good dates? I mean this is just so overblown and I think that's part of why you find yourself making these choices - your reaction to people you barely know or are just getting to know. Many people choose to stop dating after a couple of dates. For various reasons or even for no reason.

 

INtuition is awesome -not needed here -just plain in front of your face common sense. He didn't ask you out again after the last date. He asked you to hang with him and his friends at the last minute. You went. He mostly ignored you. No intuition needed. All obvious.

[bluecastle]

So when he texted you saying he had fun, and mentioned the restaurant, you opted not to respond? No judgement, as I'm someone who is (somewhat) okay with that being a way to declare the experiment over. But just curious.

 

Batya concisely articulated a bit of where my mind is going about all this. This kind of thinking about someone after just a few hours around them is at odds with the idea of being "guarded" or not "letting people in" easily. I thought my girlfriend seemed astoundingly cool after just a few hours, for example, to say nothing of our first month; but she was still, first and foremost, a person I didn't know and was seeing about knowing. Not an "amazing" answer to some question, not a boogeywoman who was going to destroy me, but just a person.

 

And it's that sort of headspace, I think, that allows one to be open to the whole experience and experiment of dating while also being protective. It's less about being suspicious and fear-driven than just being realistic and respectful of the fact that most people we meet are not going to drastically alter our lives one way or another. They may add a moment a sparkle, they may cause a sting, they may do a little bit of both, but it's a few months down the line until we really have a clue about what's up, down, all around.

[jackie103]

So when he texted you saying he had fun, and mentioned the restaurant, you opted not to respond? No judgement, as I'm someone who is (somewhat) okay with that being a way to declare the experiment over. But just curious.

 

Batya concisely articulated a bit of where my mind is going about all this. This kind of thinking about someone after just a few hours around them is at odds with the idea of being "guarded" or not "letting people in" easily. I thought my girlfriend seemed astoundingly cool after just a few hours, for example, to say nothing of our first month; but she was still, first and foremost, a person I didn't know and was seeing about knowing. Not an "amazing" answer to some question, not a boogeywoman who was going to destroy me, but just a person.

 

And it's that sort of headspace, I think, that allows one to be open to the whole experience and experiment of dating while also being protective. It's less about being suspicious and fear-driven than just being realistic and respectful of the fact that most people we meet are not going to drastically alter our lives one way or another. They may add a moment a sparkle, they may cause a sting, they may do a little bit of both, but it's a few months down the line until we really have a clue about what's up, down, all around.

 

I just responded to his message with a respectful “good seeing you too, that sounds nice”. Maybe I should’ve let him know how I felt? But I didn’t have the energy to go into that at the time nor did think he deserved to get that kind of energy out of me to go through the trouble of all that when our “dating” wasn’t that serious.

 

He responded to that saying “you did well!” Referring to my pool playing but I did not feel that needed a response.

 

You bring up good points that are definitely logical. Most of my friends (myself included) have not had good experiences with dating so I guess when someone does something even slightly nice or respectful, it’s mind blowing but we definitely need to hold ourselves to higher standards.

[Wiseman2]

All you need to do is decide if you want to see him again.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm so sorry that the date turned out like this. If you both go out again, have a nice time together and be honest about how you feel watching a chess game. I think both of you have different ideas of what your dates should be. A+ for variety though. Take it easy and don't get too upset just yet.

[Batya33]

I found dating to be a part time job at times. It was stressful, required a thick skin, etc. Only one thing made it worth it -I wanted to be a married mom -or at least have the opportunity to be a mom in the only situation that was acceptable to me (if I had a biological child) - in a stable marital home. I wanted that very very badly. I had a good life as a single person and I was always 100% honest with myself that it wasn't enough for me.

 

Had I not wanted marriage and parenthood no way would I have been out there proactively husband hunting. Yes, husband hunting -for the right match, a good match, for the whole package including love and passion - but yes, husband hunting. Had I just wanted someone to date or hook up with or be my boyfriend for a time - no way would all that time and stress and tears have been worth it. But because I wanted that so badly what I had to do too was never ever let myself be jaded or cynical for more than a very short time after a very bad date. Nothing is more unattractive to men and they can smell that negativity from miles away. I wouldn't be married now if I'd let myself go there. That's my strong suggestion to you -and to evaluate why exactly you are putting yourself out there.