Putting in Effort on a Date

[Wiseman2]

You seem impressed by him and as though you want to see where it goes. How long do you want to wait for him to step up or show interest? Try pulling back a bit...observe and see what he does. That would be a good gauge of interest.

this new guy took awhile to show his interest, right?

[catfeeder]

I'd stop tinkering with this guy and fly off of his radar. If he ever wanted to see me again, he'd need to step up and ask me out for a nice date. If he can't figure that out on his own, then he's not worth my time.

In my book, intelligence is an important quality, and I don't have room in my life for remedials.

[Wiseman2]

No one wants to walk down the aisle on a first date but if you project nebulous and indifferent, you get nebulous and indifferent in return. As to this guy, he's just coasting because you're doing all the work.

Do guys think it's disinterest if you act casual about the whole thing? I thought guys like "casual", at least at the beginning.

[boltnrun]

By chance do you bring him food? Beer? Gifts?

If so, he's got it so easy. Food, beer, sex all delivered to his doorstep. But as my ex told me, accepting all that stuff is easy. He'd never had it so easy. But it didn't make him love me.

[DaisyMayPorter]

By chance do you bring him food? Beer? Gifts?

If so, he's got it so easy. Food, beer, sex all delivered to his doorstep. But as my ex told me, accepting all that stuff is easy. He'd never had it so easy. But it didn't make him love me.

No, I don't give him any of that actually, and I definitely wouldn't deliver it to his doorstep! (But thanks for assuming...) We've kissed a bit but that's it. He buys his own food and beer, and has bought me food and wine when we've gone out as well.

He's taking me out tonight, so I'll see how I feel after that. Thanks!

[DaisyMayPorter]

No one wants to walk down the aisle on a first date but if you project nebulous and indifferent, you get nebulous and indifferent in return. As to this guy, he's just coasting because you're doing all the work.

Well, I wouldn't say I'm nebulous and indifferent. Casual can still mean you are excited about the person. I'm excited to see what he has planned for tonight, and we'll see how it goes after that.

[bluecastle]

I'm excited to see what he has planned for tonight, and we'll see how it goes after that.

Great. And just be honest about how it goes, meaning: not calculating his "effort" but seeing how you genuinely feel. If you feel good, great. If less than good—well, a more melancholy form for great. Means he is not for you, but that you remain open for that. Not that tonight has to be the make-or-break moment, but just some context of how to approach this so you stay nimble and open rather than skeptical and closed.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Great. And just be honest about how it goes, meaning: not calculating his "effort" but seeing how you genuinely feel. If you feel good, great. If less than good—well, a more melancholy form for great. Means he is not for you, but that you remain open for that. Not that tonight has to be the make-or-break moment, but just some context of how to approach this so you stay nimble and open rather than skeptical and closed.

Thank you for the advice! That makes sense, to just see how I feel and how he makes me feel. I tend to be negative sometimes with dating, I think because I was in such a bad relationship in my last one, that I automatically assume they'll all turn out that way. I must be more positive!

[bluecastle]

Thank you for the advice! That makes sense, to just see how I feel and how he makes me feel. I tend to be negative sometimes with dating, I think because I was in such a bad relationship in my last one, that I automatically assume they'll all turn out that way. I must be more positive!

I'm not talking positive and negative. I'm talking being honest.

Like this: You and I meet for sushi, and the sushi comes. We order the exact same thing. I float off to cloud 9, having the best raw fish of my life. You, meanwhile, are disgusted—or, if not disgusted, just think the sushi is meh. Not what you were expecting. The other place up the street is way better, to your tastes.

We are both right.

Yes, I am saying dating is like sushi. You try it, and you see how you like it (how you feel). What you can't do is turn one sushi restaurant into another, or get to cloud 9 by ordering another platter of meh sushi. It's impossible. The only reason you'd even think of doing that is if there was only one sushi restaurant in the world—when, like fish in the sea, there are many. (Yup, the sushi metaphor wasn't a total accident.)

[DaisyMayPorter]

I'm not talking positive and negative. I'm talking being honest.

Like this: You and I meet for sushi, and the sushi comes. We order the exact same thing. I float off to cloud 9, having the best raw fish of my life. You, meanwhile, are disgusted—or, if not disgusted, just think the sushi is meh. Not what you were expecting. The other place up the street is way better, to your tastes.

We are both right.

Yes, I am saying dating is like sushi. You try it, and you see how you like it (how you feel). What you can't do is turn one sushi restaurant into another, or get to cloud 9 by ordering another platter of meh sushi. It's impossible. The only reason you'd even think of doing that is if there was only one sushi restaurant in the world—when, like fish in the sea, there are many. (Yup, the sushi metaphor wasn't a total accident.)

I know, I understood exactly what you were saying, I was just mentioning that I tend to be negative because of my past experience. But I'm very excited to spend time with him again and am looking forward to it.