Putting in Effort on a Date

[DaisyMayPorter]

The sniper perches atop the rock, takes aim. Direct hit.

 

To file away: I have an old friend, lovely woman, but she has an inner magnet for male projects. Made for some good stories, once upon a time. Alas, time never stops happening, and as it happens it keeps making us whoever we are.

 

Just shy of two years ago she meets a guy. Tall, strapping, but he's got that kind of limp melancholy that certain dudes wear like old sweaters. He'd sometimes—in the very early days—burp up little tidbits about his broken engagement and broken spirit. I suspect had you met him at age 14 or 26, before all that spirit lashing, you would have met a similar soul, but I digress...

 

By week 5 she was in your shoes, Daisy: laying him down on the therapist's couch in her mind, and going to work. What was he doing? He was next to her on the couch, sipping beer and watching golf, a combination she found repugnant. Oh, but she saw "more" in the couch-potato, and wanted to introduce him to what brought her joy: outings, trips, eccentric art performances. Sometimes she got the leash on tight enough and he'd join, but the couch/golf place was his comfort zone.

 

How do I know that? Because at week 5 that was her complaint: sofa, golf. To which I said: that is him and there is a beer/golf-loving woman who would be better. To which she said: maybe he is just depressed. Five weeks became two years and the conversation is identical. A little part of my heart breaks when I think about this friend, as it has been like watching a lightbulb burn out. She opted to move in with him—not in the city she loved, but all the way back to his hometown, a place I'm sure many people adore but a place that is essentially constructed around everything that depresses my friend about humanity.

 

She is firmly committed to it all—not to him, though, if I had to "judge," but to the very idea that existed in her head at day 34. Point being—and you're experienced enough to already know this—if you look at people in relationships you'll see a funny constant: for everything that might happen over time, from kids to homes to jobs gained and lost, their core dynamic is often not that different from what they built (and validated) during those earliest days.

 

Oh my gosh, what a sad story! I feel bad for her that she chose this life. I won't be sitting on a therapist's couch lol, and I'm so not into "projects" -- I was just asking advice because I don't want this type of "situation" (for lack of a better word) in my life and I wanted to make sure I wasn't the crazy one lol... even though I do appreciate everyone's opinions (esp yours, you have great stories Blue Castle). I love that one quote, I forget the exact saying, I think the ending was "I want a partner, not a project." Exactly. I don't want a guy I need to teach anything. Although, I do agree you need to teach people how to treat you by having standards and what you will and won't accept, but you shouldn't have to teach someone everything.

[DaisyMayPorter]

It's not going to get any better. No need for games to get him to chase you. He's not that into you, but this guy is a dud, so he's essentially a waste of a new dress.

 

Ha, thank you! I will wear the dress out with someone else! I'm not chasing him, nor playing games to get him to chase me. I've actually been pretty straight forward in asking him for stuff. He hasn't done it of late, so I'm calling it a day. Thank you for saying he's a dud and the waste of a new dress, I agree! :-)

[maew]

Agreed! Thank you for sharing your experience! He should know better. I hope you are dating someone better now. :-)

 

I don't blame him, at all... he was simply enjoying what was being presented to him, and why shouldn't he? If it were me I would do the same.

 

At the end of the day this was simply a matter of "girl was more into him than he as into her".

 

The guy I am dating now took awhile to show his interest... so I went about living my life... secretly we were both crushing on each other... how we met and started dating is a story for the grand kids if we ever have any, lets just say it's amusing to say the least... what I will say is that he made it clear that he was interested in me, attracted to me, and wanted to date me, and as we have gotten to know each other he has left no doubt as to how he feels about me and that he wants a future with me, and I with him.

 

And that, my friend is what we should be waiting for. Is he perfect? Far from it.... neither am I... but as we like to say, we are perfect for each other.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I don't blame him, at all... he was simply enjoying what was being presented to him, and why shouldn't he? If it were me I would do the same.

 

At the end of the day this was simply a matter of "girl was more into him than he as into her".

 

The guy I am dating now took awhile to show his interest... so I went about living my life... secretly we were both crushing on each other... how we met and started dating is a story for the grand kids if we ever have any, lets just say it's amusing to say the least... what I will say is that he made it clear that he was interested in me, attracted to me, and wanted to date me, and as we have gotten to know each other he has left no doubt as to how he feels about me and that he wants a future with me, and I with him.

 

And that, my friend is what we should be waiting for. Is he perfect? Far from it.... neither am I... but as we like to say, we are perfect for each other.

 

That’s great! Good for you! But see, you also said this new guy took awhile to show his interest, right?

[Honeycomb8]

This guy doesn't have interest though. The lack of effort suggests that.

[Wiseman2]

You seem impressed by him and as though you want to see where it goes. How long do you want to wait for him to step up or show interest? Try pulling back a bit...observe and see what he does. That would be a good gauge of interest.

this new guy took awhile to show his interest, right?

[catfeeder]

I'd stop tinkering with this guy and fly off of his radar. If he ever wanted to see me again, he'd need to step up and ask me out for a nice date. If he can't figure that out on his own, then he's not worth my time.

 

In my book, intelligence is an important quality, and I don't have room in my life for remedials.

[Wiseman2]

No one wants to walk down the aisle on a first date but if you project nebulous and indifferent, you get nebulous and indifferent in return. As to this guy, he's just coasting because you're doing all the work.

Do guys think it's disinterest if you act casual about the whole thing? I thought guys like "casual", at least at the beginning.

[boltnrun]

By chance do you bring him food? Beer? Gifts?

 

If so, he's got it so easy. Food, beer, sex all delivered to his doorstep. But as my ex told me, accepting all that stuff is easy. He'd never had it so easy. But it didn't make him love me.

[DaisyMayPorter]

By chance do you bring him food? Beer? Gifts?

 

If so, he's got it so easy. Food, beer, sex all delivered to his doorstep. But as my ex told me, accepting all that stuff is easy. He'd never had it so easy. But it didn't make him love me.

 

No, I don't give him any of that actually, and I definitely wouldn't deliver it to his doorstep! (But thanks for assuming...) We've kissed a bit but that's it. He buys his own food and beer, and has bought me food and wine when we've gone out as well.

 

He's taking me out tonight, so I'll see how I feel after that. Thanks!

[DaisyMayPorter]

No one wants to walk down the aisle on a first date but if you project nebulous and indifferent, you get nebulous and indifferent in return. As to this guy, he's just coasting because you're doing all the work.

 

Well, I wouldn't say I'm nebulous and indifferent. Casual can still mean you are excited about the person. I'm excited to see what he has planned for tonight, and we'll see how it goes after that.

[bluecastle]

I'm excited to see what he has planned for tonight, and we'll see how it goes after that.

 

Great. And just be honest about how it goes, meaning: not calculating his "effort" but seeing how you genuinely feel. If you feel good, great. If less than good—well, a more melancholy form for great. Means he is not for you, but that you remain open for that. Not that tonight has to be the make-or-break moment, but just some context of how to approach this so you stay nimble and open rather than skeptical and closed.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Great. And just be honest about how it goes, meaning: not calculating his "effort" but seeing how you genuinely feel. If you feel good, great. If less than good—well, a more melancholy form for great. Means he is not for you, but that you remain open for that. Not that tonight has to be the make-or-break moment, but just some context of how to approach this so you stay nimble and open rather than skeptical and closed.

 

Thank you for the advice! That makes sense, to just see how I feel and how he makes me feel. I tend to be negative sometimes with dating, I think because I was in such a bad relationship in my last one, that I automatically assume they'll all turn out that way. I must be more positive!

[bluecastle]

Thank you for the advice! That makes sense, to just see how I feel and how he makes me feel. I tend to be negative sometimes with dating, I think because I was in such a bad relationship in my last one, that I automatically assume they'll all turn out that way. I must be more positive!

 

I'm not talking positive and negative. I'm talking being honest.

 

Like this: You and I meet for sushi, and the sushi comes. We order the exact same thing. I float off to cloud 9, having the best raw fish of my life. You, meanwhile, are disgusted—or, if not disgusted, just think the sushi is meh. Not what you were expecting. The other place up the street is way better, to your tastes.

 

We are both right.

 

Yes, I am saying dating is like sushi. You try it, and you see how you like it (how you feel). What you can't do is turn one sushi restaurant into another, or get to cloud 9 by ordering another platter of meh sushi. It's impossible. The only reason you'd even think of doing that is if there was only one sushi restaurant in the world—when, like fish in the sea, there are many. (Yup, the sushi metaphor wasn't a total accident.)

[DaisyMayPorter]

I'm not talking positive and negative. I'm talking being honest.

 

Like this: You and I meet for sushi, and the sushi comes. We order the exact same thing. I float off to cloud 9, having the best raw fish of my life. You, meanwhile, are disgusted—or, if not disgusted, just think the sushi is meh. Not what you were expecting. The other place up the street is way better, to your tastes.

 

We are both right.

 

Yes, I am saying dating is like sushi. You try it, and you see how you like it (how you feel). What you can't do is turn one sushi restaurant into another, or get to cloud 9 by ordering another platter of meh sushi. It's impossible. The only reason you'd even think of doing that is if there was only one sushi restaurant in the world—when, like fish in the sea, there are many. (Yup, the sushi metaphor wasn't a total accident.)

 

I know, I understood exactly what you were saying, I was just mentioning that I tend to be negative because of my past experience. But I'm very excited to spend time with him again and am looking forward to it.

[Batya33]

You'll do much better if you own it "I choose to be negative because I choose to react to past experiences and choose to assume that the same thing is likely to happen again: