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Thread: I've Taken A Serious Gut Punch

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    What do you mean by this, exactly?
    I was never mean or disrespectful towards her, but I was very negative and a big downer about things we were doing sometimes. For example, if we were at a park, I would comment negatively about things or make snide remarks. If we were at a pricey restaurant, my mood would drop because I would think of the money being spent with no job, and I wouldn't say much while we were there.

  2. #12
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    Sadly i don't think you ever really had a chance once you agreed to move there WITHOUT a job. You were getting left behind from the beginning, unintentionally. There was no way you'd be able to afford/keep up with a doctors lifestyle whilst unemployed. It was just a matter of time.

    It's clear to me though that she's gone. I think the "we want different things" line is BS but the outcome is the same.

    I'd take this chance to get yourself booked in for some therapy. I believe you need it from the things you said. As another post said now is the time to take control of YOUR life. You essentially gave your life up to follow her 1000's of miles. That must be mentally damaging.

    You are young enough and wise enough to bounce back from this setback though. I just don't think this was your time for this relationship.

    Get healthy, get social again and you will soon move on.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Loki1110
    I was never mean or disrespectful towards her, but I was very negative and a big downer about things we were doing sometimes. For example, if we were at a park, I would comment negatively about things or make snide remarks. If we were at a pricey restaurant, my mood would drop because I would think of the money being spent with no job, and I wouldn't say much while we were there.
    That kind of behavior will kill even the strongest of relationships and it all boils down to your own personal insecurities and lashing out at your SO about them. It would be a good idea for you to own that and learn from that and grow from this going forward. It cost you a lot and it really had little to do with moving, her, no job, etc. You had the option to be patient with your job search, you had the option to stay positive and enjoy the moments you had with her and make them shine. Instead you sabotaged it all because of your own inner self. Nobody was looking down at you - you were doing it all to yourself. I hope you take some serious time to learn from this and come out a better, stronger person out of this experience.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    That kind of behavior will kill even the strongest of relationships and it all boils down to your own personal insecurities and lashing out at your SO about them. It would be a good idea for you to own that and learn from that and grow from this going forward. It cost you a lot and it really had little to do with moving, her, no job, etc. You had the option to be patient with your job search, you had the option to stay positive and enjoy the moments you had with her and make them shine. Instead you sabotaged it all because of your own inner self. Nobody was looking down at you - you were doing it all to yourself. I hope you take some serious time to learn from this and come out a better, stronger person out of this experience.
    Honestly, all the insight in this thread is wonderful, and I'm very appreciative, but I think this is exactly the right thing. You've articulated what I think a part of me has been afraid of facing.

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by Loki1110
    Honestly, all the insight in this thread is wonderful, and I'm very appreciative, but I think this is exactly the right thing. You've articulated what I think a part of me has been afraid of facing.

    Yeah listen to a lot of the people on here. They've given me amazing insight into my situs. Nothing better than impartial advice from strangers to help you see things from an outside perspective. Esp. when they are all telling you the same thing. I went through a break up recently and 2 weeks ago I was gutted and a bumbling mess. A weeks on and honestly listening to the advice I was kindly given, I feel insanely different. Life is short. We all come in and go out on our own and we all responsible for ourselves. We all mess up from time to time. But no one is going to help you in real life other than yourself and you have to be willing and able to accept constructive criticism.

    Best of luck. In a few weeks/months, you will be in an entirely situation in your life, for the best. :)

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the pain, buddy.

    I think it's inevitable, in any relationship, that we pin a lot of big hopes on another person, on what us plus them can equal. That's part of the beautiful gamble, and I hope this lick of heartache doesn't turn you away from the casino for good.

    Thing is—and I hope this becomes something you lean into, and grow from—what we have to be careful about is not pinning our identity on another person. It is simply a level of pressure no human being can take, because they're engaged in the forever work of figuring out their own identity, and no relationship can sustain, because it requires two developing identities to fuel a tandem unit harmoniously.

    Succinctly put, it sounds like what happened here is: while she had some big hopes pinned to you and an identity pinned to medicine, you had both hopes and identity pinned to her, and the latter snuffed out the possibility of the former from being fully realized.

    None of that is to shame you, or to give you another whip to lash yourself with, but quite the opposite. It's a lesson, a hard one: a moment where life has tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to carve yourself out with a bit more clarity and intention, so you're not over-dependent on another to be the thing that lights up your inner rooms.

    All relationships are learning experiences, with the goal, in my opinion, being one in which individual lessons can be learned and grown from alongside someone, not simply in the wake of them. To achieve that goal, the basic machinery of your identity should be humming along pretty decently, so the relationship isn't having to operate outside its natural capacity. That doesn't mean you have to be "fully formed"—a state I'd say is unattainable, and thank god for that, as the best thing about being alive is that we're forever growing into ourselves—but fully engaged in the solo mission of forming yourself so you don't hand the keys to your ship to another.

    It's easy to say you pressed pause on the self-formation button with the move, or that you hoped the big move would be some kind of fast track to a new you. Probably there was some of that. But I'd encourage you to look deeper, to see if maybe, even in those early, sparkly days, the pause button was pressed—if even then you saw in her a kind of portal to a new you and handed her the keys, and if maybe those sullen, irritable moments in parks and restaurants were you voicing frustration at that portal not coming through.

    Yeah, life does suck right now—at least from one angle. I'm sorry for that. Feel that angle as you need to. But do know there is another angle to this moment that is all positive: a moment to start carving yourself out, so you can be that person alongside someone rather than through them. Personally, when I look back on some of the moments in my life I'm most proud of they are directly connected to moments like the one you're in right now—those times where life shows you the floorboards to your own house are wobbly, so you get out the saw and the nail gun and go to town.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for the pain, buddy.

    I think it's inevitable, in any relationship, that we pin a lot of big hopes on another person, on what us plus them can equal. That's part of the beautiful gamble, and I hope this lick of heartache doesn't turn you away from the casino for good.

    Thing is—and I hope this becomes something you lean into, and grow from—what we have to be careful about is not pinning our identity on another person. It is simply a level of pressure no human being can take, because they're engaged in the forever work of figuring out their own identity, and no relationship can sustain, because it requires two developing identities to fuel a tandem unit harmoniously.

    Succinctly put, it sounds like what happened here is: while she had some big hopes pinned to you and an identity pinned to medicine, you had both hopes and identity pinned to her, and the latter snuffed out the possibility of the former from being fully realized.

    None of that is to shame you, or to give you another whip to lash yourself with, but quite the opposite. It's a lesson, a hard one: a moment where life has tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to carve yourself out with a bit more clarity and intention, so you're not over-dependent on another to be the thing that lights up your inner rooms.

    All relationships are learning experiences, with the goal, in my opinion, being one in which individual lessons can be learned and grown from alongside someone, not simply in the wake of them. To achieve that goal, the basic machinery of your identity should be humming along pretty decently, so the relationship isn't having to operate outside its natural capacity. That doesn't mean you have to be "fully formed"—a state I'd say is unattainable, and thank god for that, as the best thing about being alive is that we're forever growing into ourselves—but fully engaged in the solo mission of forming yourself so you don't hand the keys to your ship to another.

    It's easy to say you pressed pause on the self-formation button with the move, or that you hoped the big move would be some kind of fast track to a new you. Probably there was some of that. But I'd encourage you to look deeper, to see if maybe, even in those early, sparkly days, the pause button was pressed—if even then you saw in her a kind of portal to a new you and handed her the keys, and if maybe those sullen, irritable moments in parks and restaurants were you voicing frustration at that portal not coming through.

    Yeah, life does suck right now—at least from one angle. I'm sorry for that. Feel that angle as you need to. But do know there is another angle to this moment that is all positive: a moment to start carving yourself out, so you can be that person alongside someone rather than through them. Personally, when I look back on some of the moments in my life I'm most proud of they are directly connected to moments like the one you're in right now—those times where life shows you the floorboards to your own house are wobbly, so you get out the saw and the nail gun and go to town.
    This was such an insightful, beautifully written post that I feel almost guilty for simply reading it without being able to offer something back in exchange for it. I can't even begin to tell you how much the concepts you've articulated here have struck some kind of a chord with me. All I can say is that I'm truly grateful for you sharing this with me, and please know you've helped a stranger.

  9. #18

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    Bluecastle writes the best posts I have ever seen on a forum in my 44 years. So eloquent, considered and insanely wise.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Awww, thank you—and thank you too, Murphy.

    Toss the guilt in the trash, friend. We're just talking life and love—you, me, everyone—not engaging in a transaction. If anything resonates, great. If it doesn't, equally great.

    I get the sense that something fierce is churning in you right now, that some pores are opening up, wanting to ask some big questions. Yeah, they feel like raw nerves right now, because they are, but let the air hit them. I'm a true believer that when the bell tolls—yup, I'm talking about the minute you stop existing—it's these moments that will be cherished, if harnessed.

    I also get the sense that a part of you wouldn't mind tucking into the corner of a dive bar, and ordering something like 1000 shots of whiskey while cursing her name as the dudes playing darts tell you to get over yourself. Understandable. Been there, sometimes literally.

    But I say wink at that dude—acknowledge him, as he resides in us all—but don't spend too much time in the bar. You've got a blank page before you, and a story to write. Start with a word, make it a sentence. Soon the pages will be filling quick.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Awww, thank you—and thank you too, Murphy.

    Toss the guilt in the trash, friend. We're just talking life and love—you, me, everyone—not engaging in a transaction. If anything resonates, great. If it doesn't, equally great.

    I get the sense that something fierce is churning in you right now, that some pores are opening up, wanting to ask some big questions. Yeah, they feel like raw nerves right now, because they are, but let the air hit them. I'm a true believer that when the bell tolls—yup, I'm talking about the minute you stop existing—it's these moments that will be cherished, if harnessed.

    I also get the sense that a part of you wouldn't mind tucking into the corner of a dive bar, and ordering something like 1000 shots of whiskey while cursing her name as the dudes playing darts tell you to get over yourself. Understandable. Been there, sometimes literally.

    But I say wink at that dude—acknowledge him, as he resides in us all—but don't spend too much time in the bar. You've got a blank page before you, and a story to write. Start with a word, make it a sentence. Soon the pages will be filling quick.
    You are absolutely right. Through all of this, it's like I now have these keys that have been loaned out to me that open up these "inner rooms." Whereas before, I would throw the keys away and get trapped in this cycle of guilt -> self-hatred -> depression, now I want to use these keys, and explore these rooms. I want to do the work.

    I also want to do the shots, but I know that only leads back to the cycle.

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