Do you like me now?

I have been with the same man for a few years now. We live together with our two dog and normally have a good time together. The past week we randomly got on the subject of would the you from few years ago ( when we first got together) date me now. He tried not to be direct saying he wouldn't date himself now, but I pushed for my answer. He told me NO and I was really taken back. Now he said it's not all black and white but I know he said no off a physical appearance. There are moments where he tends to act better than me and I feel a slight putdown but nothing direct. When we got together i was about 140 and now I'm closer to 160. I'm confused and upset. I'm trying to remain positive and not HATE or feel worse about myself. I try to eat better and work on my weight. I just feel low and dont have a lot of people to vent to so here I am.Any advice or words of encouragement would be awesome.

well, not much to say. you asked a question and he didn't want to sound mean. I have no idea if your 20 lb weight gain has anything to do with it. maybe, maybe not. I know physical appearance isn't everything but for most men, weight gain is something that we don't really fancy. have a frank discussion with him and see what he says.

Lose the weight or stop asking goofy questions you don't want an honest answer to. I'm 5'8" as a guy, so I'm going to assume you're likely that at most yourself. While it's obviously not "My 600 Pound Life" territory, 20 pounds of fat isn't anything to scoff at. For most women and shorter guys, that's a solid push into an unhealthily overweight range. But regardless, a whole slew of perfectly happy married couples wouldn't have given a second look at their partner who, at this point, has gotten "relaxed" about their fitness and appearance. The whole idea is the bond they've subsequently developed supersedes what they'd have otherwise needed to be more superficially attracted to them to get that ball rolling.

If I gained 20 pounds, I wouldn't expect my wife to tell me she'd have gone on a date as her then and me now. She didn't know me. Why expect her to forfeit her weight preferences then? Obviously your guy should've just lied, but I'm not going to fault him for being honest when pressed for the answer.

Keep your head up. And again, stop fishing for emotionally compromising answers. While an additional ~15% body fat isn't good, it's certainly not the worst point to come back from. The important thing is that he's with you now as you are. He's happy with you. Or at least with no else incriminating to offer, I'm going to assume as much. Hopefully if you've chosen him as your partner, you respect his judgment and can acknowledge you're worth being happy with yourself just as well. Best of luck with your health.

If your partner feels stuck with you, yeah, that's a rotten feeling. You both live together so I'd venture to think you're feeling misgivings all around and it's pervasive in your relationship. How is he towards you overall and what's your dynamic like? Is there any romance? Loving acts? Kindness? Spontaneity? Fun? Sex?

Thanks for the honesty. It's nice to hear things from a different point of view and I try to be reasonable and understanding. My feeling were hurt and I know the truth about my body. Thanks again.

We have a really good relationship and he is good to me. I have work to do on myself and for myself. He seems to be attracted and is always interested in me and my body. I think that after being in a relationship after a few years I focused my energy on us and things in life changed and I now have a job where I am not active so that doesn't help.

Why do you think it's about physical appearance? Is this your interpretation? Why would you have a rhetorical conversation like this? It sounds strange and lmanipulative. How long have you lived together? Is this a convenience situation or are you intending on a future with him?

If something is bothering you about your appearance or health, see a doctor for a complete physical and advice on getting help with an activity,an eating plan,etc. Get new clothes, hair etc . Do not ask the "does this make me look fat?" question for your self esteem or reassurances.. That is a trap.

Take some courses and classes perhaps some that involve physical activity or nutrition. Join some groups and clubs. Get out of the house more. Make sure the two of you are not in a rut hanging out, getting lazy and complacent. How long have you lived together?

Also you may want to review other aspects of your life, living arrangements and relationship with a therapist. The part about "he seems to put you down" is something you need to address with a therapist.

I have been with the same man for a few years now. We live together.

 

There are moments where he tends to act better than me and I feel a slight putdown but nothing direct.

 

I pushed for my answer. He told me NO and I was really taken back. I know he said no off a physical appearance.

You need to tell him that his answer hurt your feelings. Then you need to talk. A few pounds shouldn't end the relationship. I'm about 30-35 pounds heavier then I was when DH & I met, but I was underweight at the time. He'd never make me feel badly about my size.

If the weight upsets you, do something about it.

If your guy continues to act like he's "stuck" with you, dump him & move on to somebody who appreciates you & is kinder.

We have a really good relationship and he is good to me. I have work to do on myself and for myself. He seems to be attracted and is always interested in me and my body. I think that after being in a relationship after a few years I focused my energy on us and things in life changed and I now have a job where I am not active so that doesn't help.

If that's the case, try and carry on with your goals. Have realistic goals and don't have unreachable expectations. We are all born with a certain body type. Getting upset over your natural curves or lanky structure isn't promoting healthy or positive self-image and it's not being realistic either. Learn to accept your natural attributes and focus on good health overall rather than looking a certain way.

Why did you even ask this question to begin with, OP?

He told me NO and I was really taken back. Now he said it's not all black and white but I know he said no off a physical appearance.

You know this or are assuming? I only bring this up because it is a sensitive issue for you and you can easily assume that's what he meant. But we aren't mind readers, are we. After all, you were looking for it. At this point I'd just leave it alone, but in the moment it would have interesting if you had asked him what he meant by that rather than just assuming.

Oooooh booooyyyyy...... Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers...... OP, I'm sorry but you seriously have major personal insecurity issues. 20 lbs....seriously? On most people that little doesn't really show up as anything, like you can gain that weight and never even gain a dress size. Plus, if you are early 20's you will literally gain some weight as your body physically matures. Like it's normal and doesn't make you fat or unattractive or whatever bs you are telling yourself. I would actually bet money that what he meant is that these kinds of extreme personal insecurities can be off putting to him.

Anyway, when you ask and you get an answer you don't like, DON'T assume, ask him to clarify what exactly he meant by and open your ears and just listen. You might not only learn something, but the open communication might actually make the two of you feel closer together if you are willing to just listen and understand. I'll repeat again, ask him to explain what he meant by that. You can't read his mind and neither can we, but I can guarantee you that when you assume, you make an azzz out of yourself every.single.time. Stop assuming, OP. Just stop.

He's being honest with you. If you feel it's a weight thing, then lose the weight, you don't sound like you're happy with it either.

It sounds pretty simple to me.

Is there any other issues between you two that caused him to answer the way he did?

Who on ghaad's earth could come out on top of such a question? Maybe Jane Fonda?

As you've probably noticed, you've set both you and your partner up to feel lousy--and for what? Did you believe that partner would say, "Oh, yes, even in my youth I was intuitive enough to sense what a deep and lasting bond we'd grow to find with one another!"

Why not give yourself a break? We can't fantasize our way out of aging, we can only do the honest work of daily physical resistance to it.

20 lbs....seriously? On most people that little doesn't really show up as anything, like you can gain that weight and never even gain a dress size

*9kg of fat, not fat and water that's different...

I agree with the rest but honestly, 20 lbs are 9kg, which is not horrible but still big weight increase*. 9kg transform your six-pack to dad bod (unless you are 1.95cm height and mesomorph). I guess in women would be even more noticeable.

 

*9kg of fat, not fat and water that's different...

If I gain 3-4 pounds it shows and affects how my clothes fit. Unless a person is very tall I couldn't imagine not noticing 20 pounds.

20 pounds is quite a lot... that's 1/5 of my total weight.

I think it would show.

Ask a stupid question you'd get an answer you would potentially not like.

If you don't like it, change.

They surveyed a huge sample of women who stated they preferred the dad bod 💃👙

9kg transform your six-pack to dad bod