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Thread: In a messy situation with friend

  1. #1
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    In a messy situation with friend

    We decided 2 months ago to rent an apartment together. She JUST quit her job and us already moved in. I had no idea she was having problems at this job and I thought that she was happy. Because of her quitting, I have been having EXTREME cold feet. Like I am so torn between decisions. A major reason why I decided to move in with her, aside from wanting a larger place, was because this job was keeping her very stable and in line. We have been somewhat of a toxic influence on each other over the past 2 years we have known each other. Mostly by enabling each other to drink/party too much. Lately, over the last year, things have been very different as I have adapted a better lifestyle and she was working.

    Now that I am about to move, she quits her job and I am fearing that things are going to go downhill and I am going to fall back into bad habits. I told her my concerns and that I do not want to go through with it. She is very upset, and she should be. But I am willing to help her find someone new to take over my portion of the rent.

    I am in a super messy situation and I do not know if I am making the wrong choice or not as I may be messing myself over my going back on a commitment. I feel really guilty because I am hurting her and it's a bad thing to do. I am looking out for myself too much. Based on her behavior in the past and how things were when she wasn't working, it does NOT seem like a good idea to be living with her. She DOES have savings but every job she has isn't stable and she never sticks with it, this past job being the longest job she has stuck with at 8 months. I am very torn and any advice is appreciated. I know getting into this decision in the first place was extremely foolish of me and I never should have let it get this far, or I should have weighed all possibilities. I just cannot trust that she won't fall back into bad habits by having no stability and I DO NOT want that to affect my progress I have made on myself.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    How is she going to pay her share if she's not working?

  3. #3
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    Why did she quit? Does she have her sights set on a new job?

    You probably made the right choice. One fight now about changing your mind on living with someone unemployed has a better shot at saving the friendship then monthly fights about rent for the next however long.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Friends grow apart sometimes. Sometimes we even come back together later in life after the dust has settled. I think you jumped the gun too fast in your excitement for a larger place. I wouldn't move in with her at this point. Regardless of how she pays for the rent, I think the jolt that she quit spontaneously should be reason enough to keep your distance as housemates. This isn't as messy as you might think. Let go of that remorse and be a bit more practical when it comes to basic requirements like your housing/shelter. This is not an area to be testing the waters or to be having doubts.

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  6. #5
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    It's much easier to not move in, than it would be to move out. Think about that for a minute.

    Why don't you put the blame all on yourself? Kind of like a soft breakup (not that you're breaking up), do the "It's not you, it's me".

    Tell her you'd like to stay where you are for now, as you need to be solo for now. Or wherever you are now, just tell her that you've realized it's much better for you than it would be to move for now.

    Also impress upon her that you want to maintain the friendship, and that you feel that by not moving in, you'll have the best chance. Many a friendship has been forever ruined by roommate situations.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Look out for your survival and well-being first. She's a bad influence on you. You're trying to get healthy and lead a clean lifestyle which is commendable. She doesn't have a stable income so when she runs out of money, YOU will be responsible for paying the rent for both of you.

    You need to continue making progress with yourself instead of reverting back to your drinking / partying days. Surround yourself with healthy people who will be positive influences. Your friends are your future.

    Tell the truth, be honest and upfront with your friend. Do what is right for you.

  8. #7
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    She has savings from having sold her property a year ago but that won't last forever if she has no other income

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Why you moved in with someone who you've had a toxic dynamic with and who you knew full well has a history of unstable work is beyond me. Regardless, all she owes you is her half of the rent, not to have a job. If she wants to exhaust her savings or beg family, that's on her. While you're right to be concerned for yourself, until it comes that she can't pay, it's unfortunately not your business.

    If the lease allows you to present another prospective tenant to replace your name on the lease, then you're likewise not obligated to your friend to stay. In that situation, if you really wanted to, you could bypass her and keep it between you and your landlord. It would be a matter of decency to include her as much as possible in finding the replacement, though. At the end of the day, she made this decision with the understanding she'd be living with you, and insofar as she is paying as agreed, you'd be the one reneging and slapping her with a stranger. Still, in your shoes, this is the route I'd likely be going, assuming you're entitled to it. You're right to be worried and I don't blame you for not wanting to play that game of chicken. I'd give her as much reasonable say as I could on who replaces you, but still look out for yourself.

  10. #9
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    The other problem is that I am tied into a lease (she quit her job RIGHT after I signed the lease). But it can be easily fixed by finding someone new to take it over. I feel so guilty as I have made her really upset. I know I shouldn't feel this guilty for looking out for myself and my best interests.

    She is very upset with me as she is already moved in and I feel extremely guilty for doing this to her, and for even getting myself into this situation in the first place

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Also don't bank too hard on the landlord approving another tenant in your stead. It's going to be a huge red flag after only two months. Generally speaking, they're not the biggest fans of people playing hot potato with their property.

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