Giving the ex another chance, or betting on someone new?

I have mostly frequented the “Healing after a Breakup or Divorce” – section of this forum, but I’ve spoken to quite a few people about the “getting the ex back” – thing, and I’m curious about this.

Now, I understand the need to make the dumper the a**h*le, I truly needed people to tell me this after my breakup. But I’m kind of surprised that quite a lot of people tend to think it’s self-explanatory that you never ever ever get back with an ex! I have had friends say:

- You can never trust him again!

- Going back to an ex that dumped you (especially if they found someone else) is an insult to all the great guys out there that wouldn’t do that to you

- I know it’s a confusing time, but one thing is certain – you’ll never be with him again!

I’m a bit taken aback by this. My friends has said this in the belief that these thoughts are comforting to me, but I just think that yeah, I might not ever be with him again, but right now, I’d gladly take a chance to fix things. And it’s not super clear to me that that automatically would be a worse choice than betting everything on someone new. For me, it’s actually quite the opposite… If my ex came back now, I’d know that he did it because he really wanted me back, not to manipulate me, or that it’d be easier to break it off again in the future. The very worst thing about all of this, for him, is that he hurt me. If he chose to come back, he’d have to face all the people that supported me through this, he’d never do this again. But that’s him, and this is completely hypothetical. My ex might never do anything about his open regrets, but I’m curious as to how other people here sees this.

Would you take an ex back? Why?

Why is betting on a new person better? You don’t know if they’d chose to hurt you in the future either.

Why did he dump you?

I think that the following example can communicate my point.

To take an ex back is like trying to paint on an already painted canvas. It would be better if you took a new canvas instead.

People can forgive what have happened and what someone else has done, but they (we) can not forget. That’s why the canvas (relationship) is already painted or more correctly, tainted.

So we take a new canvas and use what we have learned from our previous attempt to paint.

You don’t know if they’d choose to hurt you in the future either. No you don’t, but also you don’t know if your ex will hurt you again, because many times hurt isn’t done by choice. Anyway, this last thing has no value for me. Life, for me, is a huge uncertainty.

Why did he dump you?

Didn't really think that I'd use this thread to discuss MY spesific situation, I'm just curious as to how people think, because I'm evidently wired differently :) Mine broke up because he fell for a coworker, although, he broke things off with me before anything happened with her (it just happened very quicklu after the breakup).

I have mostly frequented the “Healing after a Breakup or Divorce” – section of this forum, but I’ve spoken to quite a few people about the “getting the ex back” – thing, and I’m curious about this.

 

Now, I understand the need to make the dumper the a**h*le, I truly needed people to tell me this after my breakup. But I’m kind of surprised that quite a lot of people tend to think it’s self-explanatory that you never ever ever get back with an ex! I have had friends say:

 

- You can never trust him again!

- Going back to an ex that dumped you (especially if they found someone else) is an insult to all the great guys out there that wouldn’t do that to you

- I know it’s a confusing time, but one thing is certain – you’ll never be with him again!

 

I’m a bit taken aback by this. My friends has said this in the belief that these thoughts are comforting to me, but I just think that yeah, I might not ever be with him again, but right now, I’d gladly take a chance to fix things. And it’s not super clear to me that that automatically would be a worse choice than betting everything on someone new. For me, it’s actually quite the opposite… If my ex came back now, I’d know that he did it because he really wanted me back, not to manipulate me, or that it’d be easier to break it off again in the future. The very worst thing about all of this, for him, is that he hurt me. If he chose to come back, he’d have to face all the people that supported me through this, he’d never do this again. But that’s him, and this is completely hypothetical. My ex might never do anything about his open regrets, but I’m curious as to how other people here sees this.

 

Would you take an ex back? Why?

Why is betting on a new person better? You don’t know if they’d chose to hurt you in the future either.

I'm here because I'm interested to see the responses. I'd take my back even though she cheated on me and dumped me. She completely crushed me as a person and everything I enjoyed in life. But no matter what I say or do, I know I'd take her back. Maybe that will change as time passes as some people have said.

I think that the following example can communicate my point.

 

To take an ex back is like trying to paint on an already painted canvas. It would be better if you took a new canvas instead.

People can forgive what have happened and what someone else has done, but they (we) can not forget. That’s why the canvas (relationship) is already painted or more correctly, tainted.

 

So we take a new canvas and use what we have learned from our previous attempt to paint.

 

You don’t know if they’d choose to hurt you in the future either. No you don’t, but also you don’t know if your ex will hurt you again, because many times hurt isn’t done by choice. Anyway, this last thing has no value for me. Life, for me, is a huge uncertainty.

Yeah, but what about all the beutiful things you DID paint?

I feel more apprehensive about trusting someone new than trusting someone again that I actually DO know.

Didn't really think that I'd use this thread to discuss MY spesific situation, I'm just curious as to how people think, because I'm evidently wired differently :) Mine broke up because he fell for a coworker, although, he broke things off with me before anything happened with her (it just happened very quicklu after the breakup).

Then yours is not one you want to get back together with lol. I can understand it being really hard if you really care about that person, but it's never really a good idea to get back with an ex. The same issues could always arise again.

I mistakenly took back my ex after she cheated, admitted to a "one-time" thing. I sucked it up, believing her crying and what seemed like remorse. I worried about our children, etc.

It turns out she was sill cheating and continued to do so for years. She exposed me to HPV an I now have a cancer from it-all because of her secret life.

I finally divorced he after many years when it was obvious to me she had played me for a fool.

The second biggest mistake of my life was in trying to suck it up and stay with her. The biggest mistake of my life was to marry her in the first place.

Personally, I have taken an ex back in the past, especially if the breakup was due to miscommunication or something relatively minor. If the relationship was a good one, for the most part- I wouldnt be against giving it another try. Time showed me that the same problems that divided you previously will simply resurface again, and another breakup will occur.

I have matured quite a bit though, and at this stage in my life, I absolutely would NEVER take an ex back. They are an "ex" for a reason.

When you take an ex back, (who probably didnt appreciate what they had in you until they lost you) you are giving them the green light to continue to:

1)take you for granted

2) disrespect you(or whatever said issue was)

3)waste your life by occupying your space so that someone who WILL genuinely love you cannot enter your life

4) use you for sex, companionship or convenience until something better comes along

You will miss your ex and that is normal. But if your ex was willing to let you go(regardless of who initiated the breakup)and take a chance on losing you forever, or to someone else, then more than likely, this just isnt the right person for you. Some ex lovers bring more headaches and drama into your life than what it's even worth.

I had an ex who I havent seen in almost a year- try to restart a sexual relationship with me recently. But I'm a different woman now, and gone are the days when he could toss me "crumbs" of affection, and I'd jump like some obedient lap dog up into his lap. I require more now. I need love and mental stimulation and will choose loneliness rather than settle or go backward.

I said all of that to say that I advise you to revisit the relationship if you must, if you cannot move forward unless you try one last time. In my experience, and others here on this forum as well, it's usually not worth going back to an ex. Life is about moving forward and progressing. Good luck to you.

Didn't really think that I'd use this thread to discuss MY spesific situation, I'm just curious as to how people think, because I'm evidently wired differently :) Mine broke up because he fell for a coworker, although, he broke things off with me before anything happened with her (it just happened very quicklu after the breakup).

In your scenerio... No, I would never take back someone that threw me away for someone else. People who do that have very poor romantic relationship boundaries and therefore do not have the tools in place to keep themselves 'safe' from the temptation of an attraction to another. For everyone out there, just because you (the general you) are in a relationship it doesn't mean we stop being attracted to another and if you don't have the good boundaries in place to be able to distance yourself from the 'feel goods' you get from that attraction then what he/she did to you, he/she will do again.

That is why, if he comes back if his new relationship fails, you'd do well to tell him to bugger off and leave you alone. Why would you lose your own value (self esteem) to be with someone who found you so disposable? Love yourself more than that.

I'd only get back to an ex under certain conditions:

- Amicable break up

- non abusive ex and the relationship was healthy

- no cheating involved in the break up

- has gone enough time to heal from the break up and think clearly

- the issues that caused the break up are either not there anymore or there's an actual plan to solve them together

- if he dumped me in the past he must show me by actions that this time he's all in.

- only one previous break up, I don't want on/off relationships

- didn't break up with me for someone else and I'm sure I'm not a rebound from another relationship they had

Under these conditions I'd consider getting back but it depends. It's not one size fits it all.

I've never wanted to get back together with an ex. Why? Because generally speaking when I end a relationship, I have burnt it completely to the ground and have no desire to "fix" anything except myself and my own behaviors. I just want to let it go and move on.

That being said, I, like everyone else here, have been caught up in the fantasy of how things were... looking at the wonderful times we had, the good parts of the relationship, and feeling the loneliness and grief from being cut off from the person I love. When I have remotely entertained the idea of getting back with someone it's because I am living in this fantasy world... I can hang on to hope that things might change... and avoid feeling the fear of being alone and the pain of grief and loss.

I mistakenly took back my ex after she cheated, admitted to a "one-time" thing. I sucked it up, believing her crying and what seemed like remorse. I worried about our children, etc.

 

It turns out she was sill cheating and continued to do so for years. She exposed me to HPV an I now have a cancer from it-all because of her secret life.

 

I finally divorced he after many years when it was obvious to me she had played me for a fool.

 

The second biggest mistake of my life was in trying to suck it up and stay with her. The biggest mistake of my life was to marry her in the first place.

Are you receiving treatment? I'm so sad to read this. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

See, I've had some people saying I'm overreacting when I say that cheating in many cases equals abuse. A cheater will risk your health (mental and physical) without your knowledge. They'll put you in risk for diseases because you're not making an informed decision by believing in their sexual exclusivity, they'll put you at risk of fathering a child that is not yours or having your man's resources deviated to pay for child support for another woman's kid. The deceit, the humiliation, the pain. And yet people still laugh when I say that cheating is abuse and try to excuse it. And this comes from someone who's mother had an affair with another man while still married to my father. I love my mother with all my heart and I know she's a better person now and learned from it, but we've got to call a spade a spade.

I mistakenly took back my ex after she cheated, admitted to a "one-time" thing. I sucked it up, believing her crying and what seemed like remorse. I worried about our children, etc.

 

It turns out she was sill cheating and continued to do so for years. She exposed me to HPV an I now have a cancer from it-all because of her secret life.

 

I finally divorced he after many years when it was obvious to me she had played me for a fool.

 

The second biggest mistake of my life was in trying to suck it up and stay with her. The biggest mistake of my life was to marry her in the first place.

Are you receiving treatment? I'm so sad to read this. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

 

See, I've had some people saying I'm overreacting when I say that cheating in many cases equals abuse. A cheater will risk your health (mental and physical) without your knowledge. They'll put you in risk for diseases because you're not making an informed decision by believing in their sexual exclusivity, they'll put you at risk of fathering a child that is not yours or having your man's resources deviated to pay for child support for another woman's kid. The deceit, the humiliation, the pain. And yet people still laugh when I say that cheating is abuse and try to excuse it. And this comes from someone who's mother had an affair with another man while still married to my father. I love my mother with all my heart and I know she's a better person now and learned from it, but we've got to call a spade a spade.

Thank you for your comments. yes, i am getting treatments for an oral cancer. it involved radiation/chemo, then now expensive immunotherapy. All, of course, several year after the divorce. And now my teeth are failing from the radiation treatment, so I need another expensive treatment to make it possible to even yank out the teeth. it's hyperbaric treatment for a couple months.

I'm financially ruined by he poor behavior, and my life is shortened, and the ongoing health issues are daunting.

But i'm still officially on tap to pay her spousal support because where I live it doesn't matter the evil she visited upon me personally.

You are spot-on about the informed decisions not granted those of us who are betrayed by those selfishly risking our health to have some fun on the side.

Cheating is abusive, and in some cases such as mine? life-threatening--literally.

It’s an interesting read this :)

In my case there’s a few factors that I’ve never discussed with anyone on this forum that makes me se my ex as an option still, if it came to that.

But my general opinion is that my own intentions in my ex-relationship was real, and still are. He never chose us like I did, but if he suddenly changed that because of all this sh*t, it’s not “a general bad idea” to problem solve something that actually was quite good. I still oppose to the whole notion of just moving on to “something better”, when most of the time, people tend to make stupid mistakes anyways.

I’m not saying that you should take it all, and yes, a lot of people doesn’t diserve a second chance, but some might, I think.

It’s an interesting read this :)

 

In my case there’s a few factors that I’ve never discussed with anyone on this forum that makes me se my ex as an option still, if it came to that.

 

But my general opinion is that my own intentions in my ex-relationship was real, and still are. He never chose us like I did, but if he suddenly changed that because of all this sh*t, it’s not “a general bad idea” to problem solve something that actually was quite good. I still oppose to the whole notion of just moving on to “something better”, when most of the time, people tend to make stupid mistakes anyways.

 

I’m not saying that you should take it all, and yes, a lot of people doesn’t diserve a second chance, but some might, I think.

The thing is, moving on is easier (logistically) and more probable thing than getting back with an ex. It's (IMO) pretty dangerous to let yourself pin for somebody that has clearly shown you that they dont want to be with you. This way you are closed for (most likely better) options out there and could spend eternity pinning on somebody that doesnt like you back, essentially wasting your life.

That being said, there are exes that I'd probably get back with, most of them I'm strangers with now and I think they'd have as much chance as any other stranger. I'd probably get back with my most recent ex, because I think that we would have made it if the circumstances were different (and I have been in her position). I wouldnt get back with an ex that I came here for though. I dont have any special feelings for her any more, I dont even hate her, it's just that she hurt me too much and I couldnt forgive her that.

He never chose us like I did, but if he suddenly changed that because of all this sh*t, it’s not “a general bad idea” to problem solve something that actually was quite good.

And how would he change suddenly? A miracle? Hit his head on a wall? How do you go from non priority to priority to someone in real life and not in hypothetic/utopic world?

As I said, under the conditions I've stated, I think that people can get back to exes and have a good relationship that time around. However, I've rarely seen people who either left you for someone else or never cared that much about you, waking up one day out of the blue wanting to be with you and properly investing in the relationship. The time that went by between the break up and the "get back together" and what has happened in between is also important to consider and determines the chances of a successful relationship the second time around.

I have taken ex's back in the past and what I have learned from it is -

Often times, like in this situation we don't necessarily want the person back, we want the validation. When someone leaves you behind for someone else your self esteem takes and incredible blow. You tie your self esteem to them wanting you. I've taken them back only to learn that they were never really that invested to begin with. After all they wouldn't have risked losing you originally, right? There is that fleeting moment that you get that validation. As if `I am ok afterall' But in the end they don't define you or your worth.

Another reason is you just want the bad feelings to go away. Break ups are painful. It doesn't matter what side you are on and sometimes you'll make a deal with the devil if you can somehow circumvent the pain. I've done it. Again, only to find myself right back in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Just my luck, I get to revisit the break up all over again.

Lastly, in my experience is we broke up for a reason. Those decisions were not done lightly. It's typically over some fatal flaw or gross incapability. We return to the same dynamic and the result is the same.

Even more lastly. I learned to value myself and consider my time equally valuable. I don't have the time or the desire to invest in something that has already been proven to me that there will be little or no return.

IMO opinion you are far better off holding out for someone new to come along. Someone who is crazy about you and wouldn't risk losing you or trade you in for someone else.

The lesson here is you set the bar higher, value yourself more and don't settle.

I think the "validation" comes in them asking you back. No need to take them back to get it. ;)

My marriage was healthy and productive. No cheating or real abuse. We just both didn't have the skills to navigate the deep and intense energy between us...and boy did we try.

Sadly I don't ever see her coming back because she just left, hit Tinder and rebounded her way out of the debris until she found her new partner who she's now with.

But hypothetically yes I'd give it another go as I've definitely changed as a person...Her, probably not too much so that would be a downfall.

But things could work if she were willing....

I've always suffered at the end of my relationships and as someone touched on earlier, I'd be risking heartbreak again whether it be with my exwife or somebody new. Choose your poison I guess.

Exes do reunite successfully but unfortunately it's a rare minority*

C*

Fear of change is normal. Wanting to cling to what's familiar is also normal. Especially when you are recently out of a break up. Detaching takes time. Creating new habits and a new life without that person in it, takes time. However, the more time passes, the more that desire fades away until it's gone completely and you realize at long last that your ex actually wasn't all that and wasn't all that good for you.

It's a bit like choosing to wear raggedy old sneakers because you are so used to them and they feel so comfortable and you fear that new ones might give you blisters so you don't switch. However, one day the old ones just fall apart and you no longer have a choice but to get new ones and guess what? You get struck with how much better new ones are and wonder why you didn't do it earlier, why you waited so long. Wanting to cling to what's known is very very typical, BUT it's not actually good for you. It's driven by fear of the unknown and fearful emotions are terrible decision makers.

Didn't really think that I'd use this thread to discuss MY spesific situation, I'm just curious as to how people think, because I'm evidently wired differently :) Mine broke up because he fell for a coworker, although, he broke things off with me before anything happened with her (it just happened very quicklu after the breakup).

How can we advise, if we don't know what happened. It is relevant.

I might have at one point(and I have). I'm open to changes and the potential for people to change or learn from their mistakes and also open to my own shortcomings and how to improve. I can't speak for anyone else but in my case, I was more open to bad habits changing in another person when I was younger. Experience has taught me that old habits die hard and it's difficult and unreasonable for me to keep expecting someone to change when they've clearly showed me otherwise.

I think it's better to see what's before you instead of dreaming/hoping on hypotheticals or what could have been.

I am not, in theory, at all against the notion that exes can reunite happily.

I have some friends who have reunited with exes, many years later in both cases, and both went on to get married, have kids, and generally awesome and inspiring relationships. What I'd say both couples have in common is that there was next to zero litigating of the past. They'd let go, processed, healed on their own, moved on, moved forward. They spent years—years—not thinking of the other in any white-knuckle, emotionally volatile way. Then they reconnected and kept moving forward, together. They are not together, today, in a state of looping atonement for past mistakes. They are not salves to guilt or pain one or the other inflicted in a past life. They are together because they dig each other, evolved as individuals, and are now compatible as couples.

That is a very rare note to strike with an ex, since the record is already scratched.

What jumps out at me in your posts, OP, is that your thoughts of reconciliation are connected to a continuing mental litigation of the relationship and a simmering fear of the uncertainty of what lays ahead. You see maybe where you could do some things differently, what he would definitely need to do differently, and you're moving those pieces around in your mind to build a sunny story of what if. Totally normal, human, and common in the wake of a breakup. It's both part of the processing and—important point—part of avoiding fully letting go. So long as you keep turning the gears in your mind there is a sense that what is lost is still there—a sense that, if you spin them fast enough, you may be able to recreate it again.

Thing is? That very churn is what makes reconciliation a challenge with an ex, even if the opportunity comes, because it's the very churn that gets in the way of organic and authentic romantic connection of any sort. Up and down a forum like this you see people jumping into relationships too quickly from breakups, flinging the pain from the past on new partners, hoping new partners will "succeed" where others have "failed," using dating and romance to soften past hurt. Never works. Same churn, you see? Too pressurized.

Getting back with someone who has already hurt you, who you have already proven to be incompatible with—well, it can be the same dynamic, magnified. Even when you think you've healed, that the churn has slowed, deep waters are stirred and wounds are opened in reconnecting. Gets in the way of just connecting. Take a post like Carus's, which echos a bit of yours: he's quasi-open to reconciliation, but there's an edge of antagonism to it: if she were willing. Just like if your bf could change. There is hurt there. Asking the person to hurt you to heal you is asking a lot.

Which brings us to the benefits of a new person vs. a former person. Instead of scrutiny you have curiosity, instead of wounds and "problem solving" you have warmth, instead of a dirty blackboard you have a blank page on which you can write a story together, rather than two people with competing narratives of the past trying to weave them into a new one in the present. Sure, there is always an iffy period of faith, or beginning to trust someone or something that is unknown, which is scary. But there is real beauty to be found in taking those steps together in a less pressurized space.

I have some experience with getting back with exes, plenty of experience in fantasizing and ruminating about it in the weeks, months, and, in one case, years after a breakup, to say nothing of engrained romanticism for anything that bucks convention. So I hear you, and fell you. For me, aside from pain management, turning the possibility over in my mind is often connected to the inevitable well-spring of epiphanies that strike in a lovelorn state. You see it all so clearly! If only x had happened instead of y! If only she was a little more this, and you were little more that!

And so on.

It's like an avalanche of life lessons pouring through you, and it makes sense that you want to apply them to and with the person. It's a great story, that, and believe me I love a great story and have found not shortage of comfort in concocting them in my head. But what experience has taught me is that those lessons tend to be better applied to someone new, someone you didn't break up with or who didn't breakup with you, and that you're only really ready to apply them once you've fully let go of the past and embraced the present. When that moment happens, odds are you're not really thinking about your ex anymore, at least not the same way.