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Flipp

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  1. Exactly one year ago on this day I was at my lowest point post BU, and probably ever in my entire life. My boyfriend of 6yrs had dumped me 2months earlier, seemingly out of the blue, and I did not handle it very well! Then he finally told me the reason why he’d been so off after the breakup- he’d met another girl, 2weeks after I’d moved out... That’s exactly one year ago today and man o man did it hurt! I didn’t eat much I didn’t sleep well I had nightmares I had absolutely no faith that anything would get better My only hope was that he’d regret his actions and want me back. And I was absolutely certain that I would go back if he wanted me. Now I’m happy. I’m smiling, I’ve become stronger and more confident, and more capable of handling my own life. AND I met a new guy even! And the joker in all of this is that my ex actually DID regret the breakup, actually did want me back. But now I see what we never where and all my resentment and anger towards him is gone. So please people, power through! Keep your head up and follow YOUR path! No one can really tell you what is right or wrong for you, but listen to the advice and think about it before you act! I initiated NC with my ex, and I broke it. And I told him I still wanted him back, after months of NC. And THAT was what got me over him... That was what I needed to se who he was and all he will never be for me. All he never managed to be in my life. All the best! -Flipp
  2. I felt kinda like you, although I don’t have the traumatic past that you do. But I grew up in a religious society and didn’t have an intimate relationship with anyone before my now ex, and that made everything quite hard. And I felt exactly like you do. That I wouldn’t be attracted to anybody else, ever. I have always had a very specific look that I was attracted to, and my ex was all that. So I figured that if I didn’t want to be alone I’d just have to settle with someone. But I was 32 when I was dumped and I also felt out of time. AND I hated that f%$€big woman that he wanted instead of me. That got everything that I wanted. My thoughts about not being attracted to anyone was partly confirmed after a handful of dates. Nice enough guys, but I didn’t want them to come near me at all. Not even to give me a hug. I thought that I’d never get over my ex until I met someone new, but I’d never meet someone new until I was over my ex... So I’d just be stuck in a never ending loop. I was a 100% sure I’d ONLY want him back forever. And that lasted for 6 months actually. BUT... I did meet someone. I wasn’t looking, I didn’t have any sort of faith that I’d like him, I only met him because I felt I had to do something other than wall myself in, and BAM. And the best thing is that being with him, just the short few months that I’ve known him, has made me so much more confident. I’ve opened my eyes to things about myself and my past relationship that I never knew. And the thing is, I didn’t know it could be like this. And no matter if this one is the one or not, I’m so glad I met him! And just to top everything of, my ex actually did make a turnaround and desperately wants me back now. That was all I ever wanted for so long, but now I’m able to be smart and strong about it. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that things eventually feels better. Even though you don’t think so. And that we all have different timelines on the healing and moving on, and that the one thing you should never do, is feel bad for not feeling better!!! I always felt that the whole “you should work on yourself” talk was a bit cr*p actually thought... Of course you should always do that, but yeah... I was happy with every other part of my life, my work, my hobbies, my friends, my family... So when I got dumped I just lost a pice of the puzzle. Rearranging all the good pieces wouldn’t help my situation. But crying over the lost piece forever wouldn’t help me either. So I just thought that I’d try to not focus on that piece and try to be happy with all that was good. And think that this is just a period of my life, it won’t stay like this forever! AND - you’re not alone! Not in the heartache and not in the “singledome”, even though it feels like everyone else is happy and together and having babies and getting married and blah blah blah! I actually made a list of people I knew or knew of that was single 😂 It helped! All the best wishes!
  3. How old were you when you broke up? The last breakup, and reason for being on this page - 32yrs old. How long did your relationship last? 6 1/2 yrs Were you the dumper or dumpee? Dumpee... And I fought the breakup with everything I had... Why did you breakup? He went “cold” and told me he didn’t know if he loved me like that anymore. Or if he ever had... How long did it take to move on? Well, it’s soon to be one year since the breakup. And in truth I haven’t moved completely on I think. But I have moved on from the desperate longing and the sadness. I’ve become stronger and acknowledged how things are, and I’m at peace with that. I miss his family and home farm, and that’s what’s hard to let go really... My situation got more complicated as my ex actually do want me back now. But he’s gotten himself involved with a girl with a few problems of her own and can’t seem to untangle himself from all that, so it doesn’t really matter at this point. The fact that I’m able to keep my cool and know what I want and need and put that first kinda says a lot about the process of healing! I NEVER thought I’d get here, and up until January this year I was 100% convinced that the only thing I’d ever want was getting him back! How long did it take to find someone new? I tried the internet dating after about 4 months. I met a few alright guys, but never felt a real connection. It was nice to spend time with someone, but the thought of even hugging them made me think “he’s not x”... Then I met newguy. In February, so about 6 months post breakup. I don’t know if it was the timing or just him and me having an amazing connection, but it just fit. I don’t know if I can say that he’s better than my ex, but after meeting him, I realize that some of the things that I just went along with not having with my ex, is actually things that are important to me. Things that makes my life better, and makes me feel better about myself, gives me more confidence. So I guess I’ve learned that about myself. I do still think that relationships are just different, and have different pros and cons.. I’d probably be happy with choosing my ex if we were able to communicate in a better way. I know he’s grown and changed a lot. But I will be as happy with newguy probably, only in a different way. It’s frustrating and nice at the same time. And no matter what I do or how I feel, I cannot KNOW how things will end up. That thought is the one I’m struggling the most with.. it’s scary, but it’s like that for everyone! So my thought is - it IS true, there will come a day you’ll fell better. And the path there is just yours. I never felt any help by thinking I was a “strong and independent person” or the “you need to be enough in yourself first”... Because I DO want a significant other, a family, and until I get there I will feel a bit “on the way somewhere”.. But it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the trip. So I just filled my time with hobbies and animals and became the master of redirecting thoughts. And talked with my super friends and family.
  4. I often think about past romances and boyfriends, but mostly just because they're part of a past that shaped me, and they are part of memories and happenings. I don't yearn for them in any way... The boyfriend I had before my last, long relationship, is a guy I briefly think about now and then. I still like the qualities I fell for with him, but our life styles didn't match, and still doesn't so that's that. I wish him all the best. I dumped him and never regretted it, but if I met him down the line and he suddenly wasn't super religious anymore, that might change things, I don't know... My last boyfriend dumped me, July 2018. He is now extremely eager to reconcile and says he regretted the break up pretty fast, but that he didn't want to hurt me more by telling me this. Stupid, I know. I would have LOVED having him back... But now our situations are somewhat different, so I don't know what will happen. I guess it's normal to think about past lovers and relationships. And sometimes it is possible to get together again after some time apart. It's down to what was the reason for the break up, I think. But if you're secretly wondering of you might have a shot with a person who dumped you, my immediate thought is that the dumpers regret it pretty fast IF they regret dumping you.
  5. I'm only 10 months into the healing process of my BU and, as Carus* can testify to, I REALLY struggeled with the whole "meeting him"-thing. Now, my situation is quite different from yours, but still, I know the feeling, and it's a horrible one. It kind of feels like you're an animal that needs to constantly be on guard for danger. I would litterally flinch at the sight of a aimilar car, and as my ex drove a black Mercedes, I've developed a keen ability to spot Mercedes cars everywhere. *Sigh*. Still do that, even though I've managed to get past most of my axciety... My advice would be to follow up on what Carus is saying, and, if you can manage it - is there any way you can meet him/them in s situation that you feel powerful in? E.g I chose to turn up at my ex's gym at a time I knew he'd be there, and where I knew all the other people would react happily to seeing me. So I turned up, without him knowing I would, got a lot of "we miss you! Gym is not the same without you! Are you coming back?!" while he was watching, and then I just said hi, gave him a short greeting hug, and then left. I was shaking the whole way back to my car, but it actually shifted something in me. It was the first time I had seen him in 7 months. Thet became a huge accomplishment for me, and I learned that I was strong and in control. That might be a bit different to your thing, because it is his feelings for newgirl that you're reacting to, but still. AND - have you read The subtle art of not giving a fu*k? You should!! Magic fu*k-giving fairy dust for the win! I'm just saying!
  6. I think Annia had had a nice list to follow. I first came on this site after my breakup in July 2018. 6 year long relationship, BU seemingly out of the blue. Was totally devestated and really didn't think I'd ever get out of thet big, black hole I was in. Got even darker after I found out he found a new girl after 2 weeks... Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you is that I really didn't believe that It would ever feel any better, but it does now. I even managed to talk to my ex and meet him and walk from that experience with my head held high, and feeling confident and with hopes for a brighter future. So, just hang in there. There was a person here that compared the healing period to standing at the beach, and being hit by waves. The first ones you might fall when they hit you, then you might struggle to stay on your feet, but after a while, you learn how to managed the waves and the current and everything, and it sort of gets easier and easier. But the first period is rough. All you really need to do is survive. One more day, one more week, and then it will get better! I found that these things helped - Talking to people in similar situations (like being on here, but just know that some people might be a bit harsh and up-front about their opinions!) - Spending most of my free time on my hobbies. Like, every day. Come home from work, not think, just make dinner, then get out of the house to do something I enjoy. Almost on autopilot. - Separating activities from situation: E.g: I could enjoy a nice walk in the woods with my dog, and feel happy and okey in that moment, but my situation was still cr*p. And that's okey. - No contact with ex. No social media, no pictures or memories or anything, just avoid ex all together. I even learned some neat, little mental tricks to use whenever I thought about him, which was alot! It helped some times, but not all the time - Eat and sleep! This effects your brains ability to cope with emotion, and you really don't need anything to get worse right, so find a way to eat and sleep! I struggled with the eating part, lost 15 kgs, and felt progressively worse. I friend of mine adviced me to make myself a normal meal, like I would have before, and eat it, no matter how much time you spend. If it takes you 2 hours to get breakfast down, just use 2 hours. And eat 4 meals a day. Every day! When I managed that, I started to feel a little bit better. - Read. I spent a lot of time reading, because that would occupie my thoughts in a better way than just watching TV or a movie. So just survive!
  7. Ah, I see. How fun! Yeah, Norwegians aren't the most open and communicative people at any rate. I think there are a lot of people on Tinder and other apps that aren't really that serious, but aren't necessarily the opposite either. It's just an easy way to meet people, and you might be lonely, or might need some attention etc, and when somebody then askes the serious questions it gets scary. So I say ask the serious questions - the ones that get freaked are the onces you don't want... But I mean, just in my immediate circle of friends I know 5 Tinder-couples that are running smoothly, in addition to my own, so I guess it can happen! Good luck!
  8. I've only used Tinder. I've heard quite a lot of different things about Tinder, but I think in Norway it hasn't been around for so long, and the "dating app/OLD scene" isn't the same as say in Britain or the US. It probably has something to do with the number of people on it. We're just not that many people up here in the cold north. My experiences from that app though is: The people that right away asks about inimate things are probably not that serious. Any comments about my body would make me stop talking to them... ("You look nice" is not that kind of comment in my book, but you know, complementing body parts etc...) I always ask about dating goals before meeting up. If that scares someone off, then so be it. I don't want to pretend I'm in it just for fun if I'm not... That doesn't mean that I'll propose marriage after two dates... Any sane person would want to get to know a potential partner over a period of time... I talk for a little while, getting the feel of people, and then ask to meet up quite fast I never give up my phone number untill after the first date, and only if I want to I have added one guy to Snapchat, but that was just stupid, don't do that... For me, it's a red flag if someone wants to see additional pictures to the ones on the profile... I met the guy I'm currently dating on Tinder, and we kind off clicked from the first message. I gave him my number after the first date, then we had a second and a third date and then we talked about being exclusive or not, which we both wanted. Then we both deleted Tinder and things are going smoothly. Never thought that about a dating app, but I know a lot of people that've met their current, or long term, partner on Tinder, so why not. This guy was clearly into me from the start, but never once made a sleesy comment about my body, or asked for pictures etc etc. He just asked me out, and saved all the other stuff for an appropriate time. Feel free to give me complements about my body when we're making out you know, but that is not something you do before you actually know someone, and that is a frequent thing on dating apps. So I feel like the dating app scene is okey, as long as you set your own boundaries, and don't break them for a little attention.
  9. I love your story, or rather, the message of it - deal with this the way that benefits you! 10 months after my BU I feel that that is the most important thing here. Coming on this page helped me a lot too, but I got a bunch of rather stern and harsh advice here and there, and in your weakest state, that can be hard too! I had to sort through the advice, and do what was best for me and my situation. E.g. I broke NC, and that was the thing that truly got me over the last bump in the road. I'm not saying I’m home free, but it got me from "frequently crying in the bathroom and resenting my friends success," to a more positive outlook on life. Things wasn't quite like my worst imagination had tortured me with for 6 months on end. I was contemplating writing my own update, but I don’t know It was nice reading yours, and I liked reading these threads when I was fresh out of the BU and feeling like utter cr*p.
  10. Yes it will ease. And panic attacks are actually quite common when going through something rough like a break up. I've never had any problems with anxiety before my break up, but had a few panic attacks in my darkes period. Also developed a sort of "alarm reaction" to seeing cars that looked like his etc etc. It gradually faded, but even 8 months later I was still more aware and anxious when I was at places he could show up. Now, 9 months in, I feel pretty confident that if I see him in the streets or something, that I will be the one who can raise my head and breathe. I would advice you to get some distance between you. Time will help you think more clearly and understand and sort through your emotions. It doesn't mean that you'll never talk to her or see her again, but it gives you a breather. And things also need to sink in. It's a he** of a ride, and a tsunami of pain really, it was for me anyways, but it will get better. You only have to survive untill it does! And each of our paths are different. Follow your heart, but put yourself first. I broke NC after 7 months. People told me not to, but honestly, that was what i needed, and that made things better afterwards. But if I had done it sooner, I wouldn't have been ready, and it wouldn't have been as benificial to me... I honestly thought I would never ever give up the hope of getting my ex back, even though he dumped me, even though he found himself a new girl super fast... We broke up the last week of July 2018, and I think my latest thread on this forum was written in late January, where I still wanted him back. Now the table has turned a 180 degrees, and he is miserable and wants me back, but I am able to see more clearly what I want and need... I never ever thought I'd feel that, or say that out loud. And I don't know what the future holds, him or someone else, but I'm feeling so much better now. And you will too!
  11. I think, again, that it'll come down to pure choice. You'll always "feel" something in this or that direction. Fancy someone hot at work, have reallye good conversations with people you meet, missing your ex etc etc. It'll never stop, we keep feeling this and that thorughout our lifes. Sometimes there are good enough reasons for that, somtimes not. My advice would be to really sit down and ask yourself what your current relationship is worth to you. And act based on that. Who's to say that if you got together with your ex, that you wouldn't miss your current gf? BUT, if these feelings keep eating you up inside, you have to do something because it's not fair to your current gf, or to you. The big question, though, might be what do you need to do get closure? It seems like your ex has moved on. Is it the fact that your ex is indifferent to your apology? Is it the fact that the ex is indifferen - the chase you know, the thing you didn't get? Is it a need to show her that you actually have changed? It could be a million litle things, and only you know the answers. Good luck figuring things out!
  12. First of all, my ex was not and is not a dbag. He’s never treated me poorly until The breakup, not during the breakup either. He’s a confused, sad, depressed man who needs to take control of his life, and sort of fell into a pair of arms in his despair. I’m not saying he’s not stupid and immature and needs to get his act together, I’m just saying that there’s a difference between that and being an abusive d**k. And psychological sickness is also sickness. Secondly, no, I’m not fond of big changes. And I don’t believe that from a pool of good people, some are better than others. There will always be quite a few things about a person that you’ll have to deal with if you’re going to be in a relationship. And you must choose the person despite that, over and over. That doesn’t mean the relationship is bad. It might mean that some aspects of the relationship would be easier if the person was more like you, but better? No. I understand that I’ll have to find someone other than my ex in due time, because more likely than not, his inner demons are the ones he need to focus on. And that takes time. Religion in its pure goodness might not make people stay in bad relationships, but my church would always rate staying together higher than anything else. I know that still has it’s impact on me, even though I’m not religious anymore. And it may prevent me from letting go, absolutely.
  13. It’s interesting that so many people share their opinions here :) Is it a cultural perspective in this? For me there certainly is a religious-cultural factor. I’ve chosen my guy, if I can stand by him through this crazy time, this would be the “sickness” (as in “and in health”)... Even though we weren’t married. Maybe all these thoughts are just a byproduct of not being able to let go, but why does some reconnections work then? I know of people that found back together, where the breakups were far more crazy than mine, and are living happily together now. I also know people that found new ones and are happy that their exes left them, because that led to a better life. So for me I cannot understand why one is better and more “right” than the other. In the end, to make a relationship work, you have to put in some effort.
  14. It’s an interesting read this :) In my case there’s a few factors that I’ve never discussed with anyone on this forum that makes me se my ex as an option still, if it came to that. But my general opinion is that my own intentions in my ex-relationship was real, and still are. He never chose us like I did, but if he suddenly changed that because of all this sh*t, it’s not “a general bad idea” to problem solve something that actually was quite good. I still oppose to the whole notion of just moving on to “something better”, when most of the time, people tend to make stupid mistakes anyways. I’m not saying that you should take it all, and yes, a lot of people doesn’t diserve a second chance, but some might, I think.
  15. Yeah, but what about all the beutiful things you DID paint? I feel more apprehensive about trusting someone new than trusting someone again that I actually DO know.
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