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Flipp

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  1. Exactly one year ago on this day I was at my lowest point post BU, and probably ever in my entire life. My boyfriend of 6yrs had dumped me 2months earlier, seemingly out of the blue, and I did not handle it very well! Then he finally told me the reason why he’d been so off after the breakup- he’d met another girl, 2weeks after I’d moved out... That’s exactly one year ago today and man o man did it hurt! I didn’t eat much I didn’t sleep well I had nightmares I had absolutely no faith that anything would get better My only hope was that he’d regret his actions and want me back. And I was absolutely certain that I would go back if he wanted me. Now I’m happy. I’m smiling, I’ve become stronger and more confident, and more capable of handling my own life. AND I met a new guy even! And the joker in all of this is that my ex actually DID regret the breakup, actually did want me back. But now I see what we never where and all my resentment and anger towards him is gone. So please people, power through! Keep your head up and follow YOUR path! No one can really tell you what is right or wrong for you, but listen to the advice and think about it before you act! I initiated NC with my ex, and I broke it. And I told him I still wanted him back, after months of NC. And THAT was what got me over him... That was what I needed to se who he was and all he will never be for me. All he never managed to be in my life. All the best! -Flipp
  2. I felt kinda like you, although I don’t have the traumatic past that you do. But I grew up in a religious society and didn’t have an intimate relationship with anyone before my now ex, and that made everything quite hard. And I felt exactly like you do. That I wouldn’t be attracted to anybody else, ever. I have always had a very specific look that I was attracted to, and my ex was all that. So I figured that if I didn’t want to be alone I’d just have to settle with someone. But I was 32 when I was dumped and I also felt out of time. AND I hated that f%$€big woman that he wanted instead of me. That got everything that I wanted. My thoughts about not being attracted to anyone was partly confirmed after a handful of dates. Nice enough guys, but I didn’t want them to come near me at all. Not even to give me a hug. I thought that I’d never get over my ex until I met someone new, but I’d never meet someone new until I was over my ex... So I’d just be stuck in a never ending loop. I was a 100% sure I’d ONLY want him back forever. And that lasted for 6 months actually. BUT... I did meet someone. I wasn’t looking, I didn’t have any sort of faith that I’d like him, I only met him because I felt I had to do something other than wall myself in, and BAM. And the best thing is that being with him, just the short few months that I’ve known him, has made me so much more confident. I’ve opened my eyes to things about myself and my past relationship that I never knew. And the thing is, I didn’t know it could be like this. And no matter if this one is the one or not, I’m so glad I met him! And just to top everything of, my ex actually did make a turnaround and desperately wants me back now. That was all I ever wanted for so long, but now I’m able to be smart and strong about it. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that things eventually feels better. Even though you don’t think so. And that we all have different timelines on the healing and moving on, and that the one thing you should never do, is feel bad for not feeling better!!! I always felt that the whole “you should work on yourself” talk was a bit cr*p actually thought... Of course you should always do that, but yeah... I was happy with every other part of my life, my work, my hobbies, my friends, my family... So when I got dumped I just lost a pice of the puzzle. Rearranging all the good pieces wouldn’t help my situation. But crying over the lost piece forever wouldn’t help me either. So I just thought that I’d try to not focus on that piece and try to be happy with all that was good. And think that this is just a period of my life, it won’t stay like this forever! AND - you’re not alone! Not in the heartache and not in the “singledome”, even though it feels like everyone else is happy and together and having babies and getting married and blah blah blah! I actually made a list of people I knew or knew of that was single 😂 It helped! All the best wishes!
  3. How old were you when you broke up? The last breakup, and reason for being on this page - 32yrs old. How long did your relationship last? 6 1/2 yrs Were you the dumper or dumpee? Dumpee... And I fought the breakup with everything I had... Why did you breakup? He went “cold” and told me he didn’t know if he loved me like that anymore. Or if he ever had... How long did it take to move on? Well, it’s soon to be one year since the breakup. And in truth I haven’t moved completely on I think. But I have moved on from the desperate longing and the sadness. I’ve become stronger and acknowledged how things are, and I’m at peace with that. I miss his family and home farm, and that’s what’s hard to let go really... My situation got more complicated as my ex actually do want me back now. But he’s gotten himself involved with a girl with a few problems of her own and can’t seem to untangle himself from all that, so it doesn’t really matter at this point. The fact that I’m able to keep my cool and know what I want and need and put that first kinda says a lot about the process of healing! I NEVER thought I’d get here, and up until January this year I was 100% convinced that the only thing I’d ever want was getting him back! How long did it take to find someone new? I tried the internet dating after about 4 months. I met a few alright guys, but never felt a real connection. It was nice to spend time with someone, but the thought of even hugging them made me think “he’s not x”... Then I met newguy. In February, so about 6 months post breakup. I don’t know if it was the timing or just him and me having an amazing connection, but it just fit. I don’t know if I can say that he’s better than my ex, but after meeting him, I realize that some of the things that I just went along with not having with my ex, is actually things that are important to me. Things that makes my life better, and makes me feel better about myself, gives me more confidence. So I guess I’ve learned that about myself. I do still think that relationships are just different, and have different pros and cons.. I’d probably be happy with choosing my ex if we were able to communicate in a better way. I know he’s grown and changed a lot. But I will be as happy with newguy probably, only in a different way. It’s frustrating and nice at the same time. And no matter what I do or how I feel, I cannot KNOW how things will end up. That thought is the one I’m struggling the most with.. it’s scary, but it’s like that for everyone! So my thought is - it IS true, there will come a day you’ll fell better. And the path there is just yours. I never felt any help by thinking I was a “strong and independent person” or the “you need to be enough in yourself first”... Because I DO want a significant other, a family, and until I get there I will feel a bit “on the way somewhere”.. But it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the trip. So I just filled my time with hobbies and animals and became the master of redirecting thoughts. And talked with my super friends and family.
  4. I often think about past romances and boyfriends, but mostly just because they're part of a past that shaped me, and they are part of memories and happenings. I don't yearn for them in any way... The boyfriend I had before my last, long relationship, is a guy I briefly think about now and then. I still like the qualities I fell for with him, but our life styles didn't match, and still doesn't so that's that. I wish him all the best. I dumped him and never regretted it, but if I met him down the line and he suddenly wasn't super religious anymore, that might change things, I don't know... My last boyfriend dumped me, July 2018. He is now extremely eager to reconcile and says he regretted the break up pretty fast, but that he didn't want to hurt me more by telling me this. Stupid, I know. I would have LOVED having him back... But now our situations are somewhat different, so I don't know what will happen. I guess it's normal to think about past lovers and relationships. And sometimes it is possible to get together again after some time apart. It's down to what was the reason for the break up, I think. But if you're secretly wondering of you might have a shot with a person who dumped you, my immediate thought is that the dumpers regret it pretty fast IF they regret dumping you.
  5. I'm only 10 months into the healing process of my BU and, as Carus* can testify to, I REALLY struggeled with the whole "meeting him"-thing. Now, my situation is quite different from yours, but still, I know the feeling, and it's a horrible one. It kind of feels like you're an animal that needs to constantly be on guard for danger. I would litterally flinch at the sight of a aimilar car, and as my ex drove a black Mercedes, I've developed a keen ability to spot Mercedes cars everywhere. *Sigh*. Still do that, even though I've managed to get past most of my axciety... My advice would be to follow up on what Carus is saying, and, if you can manage it - is there any way you can meet him/them in s situation that you feel powerful in? E.g I chose to turn up at my ex's gym at a time I knew he'd be there, and where I knew all the other people would react happily to seeing me. So I turned up, without him knowing I would, got a lot of "we miss you! Gym is not the same without you! Are you coming back?!" while he was watching, and then I just said hi, gave him a short greeting hug, and then left. I was shaking the whole way back to my car, but it actually shifted something in me. It was the first time I had seen him in 7 months. Thet became a huge accomplishment for me, and I learned that I was strong and in control. That might be a bit different to your thing, because it is his feelings for newgirl that you're reacting to, but still. AND - have you read The subtle art of not giving a fu*k? You should!! Magic fu*k-giving fairy dust for the win! I'm just saying!
  6. I think Annia had had a nice list to follow. I first came on this site after my breakup in July 2018. 6 year long relationship, BU seemingly out of the blue. Was totally devestated and really didn't think I'd ever get out of thet big, black hole I was in. Got even darker after I found out he found a new girl after 2 weeks... Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you is that I really didn't believe that It would ever feel any better, but it does now. I even managed to talk to my ex and meet him and walk from that experience with my head held high, and feeling confident and with hopes for a brighter future. So, just hang in there. There was a person here that compared the healing period to standing at the beach, and being hit by waves. The first ones you might fall when they hit you, then you might struggle to stay on your feet, but after a while, you learn how to managed the waves and the current and everything, and it sort of gets easier and easier. But the first period is rough. All you really need to do is survive. One more day, one more week, and then it will get better! I found that these things helped - Talking to people in similar situations (like being on here, but just know that some people might be a bit harsh and up-front about their opinions!) - Spending most of my free time on my hobbies. Like, every day. Come home from work, not think, just make dinner, then get out of the house to do something I enjoy. Almost on autopilot. - Separating activities from situation: E.g: I could enjoy a nice walk in the woods with my dog, and feel happy and okey in that moment, but my situation was still cr*p. And that's okey. - No contact with ex. No social media, no pictures or memories or anything, just avoid ex all together. I even learned some neat, little mental tricks to use whenever I thought about him, which was alot! It helped some times, but not all the time - Eat and sleep! This effects your brains ability to cope with emotion, and you really don't need anything to get worse right, so find a way to eat and sleep! I struggled with the eating part, lost 15 kgs, and felt progressively worse. I friend of mine adviced me to make myself a normal meal, like I would have before, and eat it, no matter how much time you spend. If it takes you 2 hours to get breakfast down, just use 2 hours. And eat 4 meals a day. Every day! When I managed that, I started to feel a little bit better. - Read. I spent a lot of time reading, because that would occupie my thoughts in a better way than just watching TV or a movie. So just survive!
  7. Ah, I see. How fun! Yeah, Norwegians aren't the most open and communicative people at any rate. I think there are a lot of people on Tinder and other apps that aren't really that serious, but aren't necessarily the opposite either. It's just an easy way to meet people, and you might be lonely, or might need some attention etc, and when somebody then askes the serious questions it gets scary. So I say ask the serious questions - the ones that get freaked are the onces you don't want... But I mean, just in my immediate circle of friends I know 5 Tinder-couples that are running smoothly, in addition to my own, so I guess it can happen! Good luck!
  8. I've only used Tinder. I've heard quite a lot of different things about Tinder, but I think in Norway it hasn't been around for so long, and the "dating app/OLD scene" isn't the same as say in Britain or the US. It probably has something to do with the number of people on it. We're just not that many people up here in the cold north. My experiences from that app though is: The people that right away asks about inimate things are probably not that serious. Any comments about my body would make me stop talking to them... ("You look nice" is not that kind of comment in my book, but you know, complementing body parts etc...) I always ask about dating goals before meeting up. If that scares someone off, then so be it. I don't want to pretend I'm in it just for fun if I'm not... That doesn't mean that I'll propose marriage after two dates... Any sane person would want to get to know a potential partner over a period of time... I talk for a little while, getting the feel of people, and then ask to meet up quite fast I never give up my phone number untill after the first date, and only if I want to I have added one guy to Snapchat, but that was just stupid, don't do that... For me, it's a red flag if someone wants to see additional pictures to the ones on the profile... I met the guy I'm currently dating on Tinder, and we kind off clicked from the first message. I gave him my number after the first date, then we had a second and a third date and then we talked about being exclusive or not, which we both wanted. Then we both deleted Tinder and things are going smoothly. Never thought that about a dating app, but I know a lot of people that've met their current, or long term, partner on Tinder, so why not. This guy was clearly into me from the start, but never once made a sleesy comment about my body, or asked for pictures etc etc. He just asked me out, and saved all the other stuff for an appropriate time. Feel free to give me complements about my body when we're making out you know, but that is not something you do before you actually know someone, and that is a frequent thing on dating apps. So I feel like the dating app scene is okey, as long as you set your own boundaries, and don't break them for a little attention.
  9. I love your story, or rather, the message of it - deal with this the way that benefits you! 10 months after my BU I feel that that is the most important thing here. Coming on this page helped me a lot too, but I got a bunch of rather stern and harsh advice here and there, and in your weakest state, that can be hard too! I had to sort through the advice, and do what was best for me and my situation. E.g. I broke NC, and that was the thing that truly got me over the last bump in the road. I'm not saying I’m home free, but it got me from "frequently crying in the bathroom and resenting my friends success," to a more positive outlook on life. Things wasn't quite like my worst imagination had tortured me with for 6 months on end. I was contemplating writing my own update, but I don’t know It was nice reading yours, and I liked reading these threads when I was fresh out of the BU and feeling like utter cr*p.
  10. Yes it will ease. And panic attacks are actually quite common when going through something rough like a break up. I've never had any problems with anxiety before my break up, but had a few panic attacks in my darkes period. Also developed a sort of "alarm reaction" to seeing cars that looked like his etc etc. It gradually faded, but even 8 months later I was still more aware and anxious when I was at places he could show up. Now, 9 months in, I feel pretty confident that if I see him in the streets or something, that I will be the one who can raise my head and breathe. I would advice you to get some distance between you. Time will help you think more clearly and understand and sort through your emotions. It doesn't mean that you'll never talk to her or see her again, but it gives you a breather. And things also need to sink in. It's a he** of a ride, and a tsunami of pain really, it was for me anyways, but it will get better. You only have to survive untill it does! And each of our paths are different. Follow your heart, but put yourself first. I broke NC after 7 months. People told me not to, but honestly, that was what i needed, and that made things better afterwards. But if I had done it sooner, I wouldn't have been ready, and it wouldn't have been as benificial to me... I honestly thought I would never ever give up the hope of getting my ex back, even though he dumped me, even though he found himself a new girl super fast... We broke up the last week of July 2018, and I think my latest thread on this forum was written in late January, where I still wanted him back. Now the table has turned a 180 degrees, and he is miserable and wants me back, but I am able to see more clearly what I want and need... I never ever thought I'd feel that, or say that out loud. And I don't know what the future holds, him or someone else, but I'm feeling so much better now. And you will too!
  11. I think, again, that it'll come down to pure choice. You'll always "feel" something in this or that direction. Fancy someone hot at work, have reallye good conversations with people you meet, missing your ex etc etc. It'll never stop, we keep feeling this and that thorughout our lifes. Sometimes there are good enough reasons for that, somtimes not. My advice would be to really sit down and ask yourself what your current relationship is worth to you. And act based on that. Who's to say that if you got together with your ex, that you wouldn't miss your current gf? BUT, if these feelings keep eating you up inside, you have to do something because it's not fair to your current gf, or to you. The big question, though, might be what do you need to do get closure? It seems like your ex has moved on. Is it the fact that your ex is indifferent to your apology? Is it the fact that the ex is indifferen - the chase you know, the thing you didn't get? Is it a need to show her that you actually have changed? It could be a million litle things, and only you know the answers. Good luck figuring things out!
  12. First of all, my ex was not and is not a dbag. He’s never treated me poorly until The breakup, not during the breakup either. He’s a confused, sad, depressed man who needs to take control of his life, and sort of fell into a pair of arms in his despair. I’m not saying he’s not stupid and immature and needs to get his act together, I’m just saying that there’s a difference between that and being an abusive d**k. And psychological sickness is also sickness. Secondly, no, I’m not fond of big changes. And I don’t believe that from a pool of good people, some are better than others. There will always be quite a few things about a person that you’ll have to deal with if you’re going to be in a relationship. And you must choose the person despite that, over and over. That doesn’t mean the relationship is bad. It might mean that some aspects of the relationship would be easier if the person was more like you, but better? No. I understand that I’ll have to find someone other than my ex in due time, because more likely than not, his inner demons are the ones he need to focus on. And that takes time. Religion in its pure goodness might not make people stay in bad relationships, but my church would always rate staying together higher than anything else. I know that still has it’s impact on me, even though I’m not religious anymore. And it may prevent me from letting go, absolutely.
  13. It’s interesting that so many people share their opinions here :) Is it a cultural perspective in this? For me there certainly is a religious-cultural factor. I’ve chosen my guy, if I can stand by him through this crazy time, this would be the “sickness” (as in “and in health”)... Even though we weren’t married. Maybe all these thoughts are just a byproduct of not being able to let go, but why does some reconnections work then? I know of people that found back together, where the breakups were far more crazy than mine, and are living happily together now. I also know people that found new ones and are happy that their exes left them, because that led to a better life. So for me I cannot understand why one is better and more “right” than the other. In the end, to make a relationship work, you have to put in some effort.
  14. It’s an interesting read this :) In my case there’s a few factors that I’ve never discussed with anyone on this forum that makes me se my ex as an option still, if it came to that. But my general opinion is that my own intentions in my ex-relationship was real, and still are. He never chose us like I did, but if he suddenly changed that because of all this sh*t, it’s not “a general bad idea” to problem solve something that actually was quite good. I still oppose to the whole notion of just moving on to “something better”, when most of the time, people tend to make stupid mistakes anyways. I’m not saying that you should take it all, and yes, a lot of people doesn’t diserve a second chance, but some might, I think.
  15. Yeah, but what about all the beutiful things you DID paint? I feel more apprehensive about trusting someone new than trusting someone again that I actually DO know.
  16. Didn't really think that I'd use this thread to discuss MY spesific situation, I'm just curious as to how people think, because I'm evidently wired differently :) Mine broke up because he fell for a coworker, although, he broke things off with me before anything happened with her (it just happened very quicklu after the breakup).
  17. I have mostly frequented the “Healing after a Breakup or Divorce” – section of this forum, but I’ve spoken to quite a few people about the “getting the ex back” – thing, and I’m curious about this. Now, I understand the need to make the dumper the a**h*le, I truly needed people to tell me this after my breakup. But I’m kind of surprised that quite a lot of people tend to think it’s self-explanatory that you never ever ever get back with an ex! I have had friends say: - You can never trust him again! - Going back to an ex that dumped you (especially if they found someone else) is an insult to all the great guys out there that wouldn’t do that to you - I know it’s a confusing time, but one thing is certain – you’ll never be with him again! I’m a bit taken aback by this. My friends has said this in the belief that these thoughts are comforting to me, but I just think that yeah, I might not ever be with him again, but right now, I’d gladly take a chance to fix things. And it’s not super clear to me that that automatically would be a worse choice than betting everything on someone new. For me, it’s actually quite the opposite… If my ex came back now, I’d know that he did it because he really wanted me back, not to manipulate me, or that it’d be easier to break it off again in the future. The very worst thing about all of this, for him, is that he hurt me. If he chose to come back, he’d have to face all the people that supported me through this, he’d never do this again. But that’s him, and this is completely hypothetical. My ex might never do anything about his open regrets, but I’m curious as to how other people here sees this. Would you take an ex back? Why? Why is betting on a new person better? You don’t know if they’d chose to hurt you in the future either.
  18. I'm not a hardcore believer/fan of strict NC, but as a tool to help yourself, it's a good thing. I thought in the same ways you did for about 4 weeks after the BU. I had regular contact via sms and Snapchat with my ex, and we had long chating sessions at least one or two times every week for those 4 weeks. Then he told me he'd met someone, and THEN I went full NC. I did it to 1) give him a clear cut picture of what he'd chosen (he wanted to stay in touch as "friends", because he "cared about me"), and NC was a way of saying nope, this is how it'll be when you choose the way you do. 2) give me an oportunity to heal. For me the hardest part was to be reminded of things we did, memories, life together, how effing handsome he is etc... So I just deleted everything, backed up all the pictures to some little harddisc, and deleted them from everywhere, unfriended him on facebook etc. I din't need to block him, because for me it was just torture to even see his name, so I was never even tempted to go to his facebook page or something to see what he was up to. 3) survive... 8 months on, I actually did break NC to contact him about something, and it did nothing revolutionary to my life, other than making me feel more in power of this situation. I've actually made some progress about things, he has not... It's knowledge that shouldn't define my emotional state of mind, but it's a sort of relief. Even if he never does anything to get me back or break off with newgirl, - because it means that I ment something to him. That losing me actually impacted him. And thats comforting, regardles of the ultimate outcome. So my point is, NC is not the solution to everything forever. But right now it sounds lik it'll do YOU good. He doesn't deserve you being there when he needs a little attention, he's shown that. NC might help you to get in controll and move on. But I think it's all about the attitude. The one thing I truly knew with all my heart, was that every time I spoke to him or saw him, and he didn't say or do the things I needed him to (proclame his love, regret his actions etc etc), it was so excruciatingly painful for me. And I couldn't stand that pain. It was worse than missing him. And knwoing that kept me from contacting him in the hardest, few weeks, kept me from stalking newgirl , even when SHE texted she after stalking ME and wanting me to remove things about my ex or about me and him... So my ultimate advice is to find something like this to hold on to when it's at it's worst, and find a diversion. I went to the stables, or called a friend that talked me out of it. And then it gets easier. It's hard though, it just is.
  19. Thanx. I don't know if I'm in a better place. Or, rather, I know that I'm not as bad off as I was, but I really, really feel that 'm more stuck in the mud than most people. I think I mentally know what to do, I do them, and I know what's real an not ... I KNOW how it should be, but my body/heart (or whatever) is just like "nope". So, I just keep telling my self the right things. Eventually it might stick? We broke up one of the last days of July, so it's been 8 months now. Well, the mind is a real assh*ole some times, what can you do? I was once tought that the mind reacts to things in a similar way no matter if it's real or not. So the pain of thinking that he's comitting to her in a way he didn't commit to you, is equally painful as if it was true. But you don't know, do you? I spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how he would do this or that with HER before I was able to block it off more. I dreamt about him every night for weeks - always the same thing - they beeing mean or condecending towards me. Him telling me I should have known I wasn't good enough etc etc. But I recently found out that he's extremely unhappy in this relatinship, and that everything just went south for him after all this. For the time being he's being a real coward staying with newgirl because she works were he does and he just cannot handle having more people upset with him I think. I don't know what will happen, but my point is, most of my crushed thoughts have been wrong, or not real in so many ways all along, and even so, they've caused me so extremely much pain and suffering. So if we CAN seperate the things we KNOW, and the things we SUSPECT, and try to react accordingly, we might be able to save ourselves some pain... It's not easy though, but if I couldv'e downward spiraled a few lesser times than I did, it would have been great! Hmm, I've heard about that, but don't know that much about it. I grew up religious, so I might have just written it of like "things that happen in the spirit world". But It makes sense! The past few months I had this extremely wierd feeling that my ex would contact me, and then poof, there he was... We're talking a bit nowadays, but i*m trying to be realistic about it all. The control of energy and emotions is so hard. SO hard... I wish you all the best.
  20. Hey :) First of all - big hug of support. Secondly, I’ll just say what helped me (my ex jumped into a relationship 1week after I moved out, after 6,5 years together): You are not alone! And you are not the one doing anything wrong! I just felt so immensely alone and broken and stupid, and it took me months to realize that my worth wasn’t really tied to his perception. His choice made him an idiot, not me. And people around you DO see that! I promise you. I’d advise you to find someone to talk to, that you can make some simple routines with, keep you to them, and that can listen to your tears. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, but it has to be someone that can take it. I set myself some simple goals for each day - eat regular, normal meals, get a good fix of sunlight and exercise each day, and just push him out of my thoughts. I was not ready to deal with anything regarding him, so I just deleted him from everywhere and used different kognitive tactics to not think about him for as much time of the day as I could. For me it was, and still is, the thought of the two of them that is the worst. I still push those thoughts away as much as I can. After a while you’ll get used to a new “normal”. For me, it became a sort of struggle to accept that my life was this now. And that I’d survive. And that people might surprise me. It’s just not easy... It’s a real struggle. Every day and every night for a while. And you’ll live. Like all of us do. And then life suddenly gives you a little bit of sunshine again. Try to appreciate the little things, they’re not fixing the heartache, but they’re good standing on their own... You CAN survive. Another hour, another day, another week. Du er ikke alene ❤️
  21. Wow. Well, same thing happened to me now too! Or, we're 7,8 months down the road now, and I sort of broke NC because I spoke to his mother, an then she prompted him (not because I said so) to email me. But he says he misses me and that everything sucks. He's struggeling big time, but doesn't know what to do. So, he's not DOING anything either. Just sending me sad, heartbroken emails about how he wished he could fix things and that no matter what he does he hurts someone. It's really hard to deal with, because part of me, okey, I admit, MOST of me, wants him back. But It still has to be his choice. I suggested he go to therapy (even inclosed a link to a therepy service in town) and told him to figure out what he wants. So you're by far stronger than I am! And - most likely there will be people her telling you to keep NC, that he's just "checking the waters" so to speak, knowing that you're available gives him room to stay with newgirl. I don't know if I see it like that, but hey that's me. I think he DID think of you, if not he wouldn't have sent the song. And - you know him better than any of us here. I know my ex kept the NC I initiatet because he didn't want to hurt me, and that he contacted me because he truly feels lost. I don't believe for one second that he's doing this to manipulate me in any way, and that it's a super painful process for him. That being said, I could choose to say "too little, too late" to protect myself, but I DO want him back, and if me being open to the notion gives him an incentive to actually come back, great. But I'm very careful that I don't let this rule my life now. I might be hoping, but I was doing that anyway. Would you want him back after everything?
  22. When I lost my previous dog, I talked to a breeder the next day (In Norway the adopt/shelter situation is in no way like it is in the US or Britian, just so you know. I'd probably adopt if there was available, suitable dogs, but most dogs up for adoption in Norway have severe issues and was given up because of that). The puppy I bought was born the day after we lost our old dog, so there was a 10 week gap between them. It was horrible, and things was so much better when the new, little one moved in. That pup is now 11 years old, and I'm thinking that the day she goes, I'll have to get another dog the next day or so. I'll always have dogs, so the responsibility is just life for me. It's not really about replacing the old dog, but filling a void with something other than tears and sadness. So for me grieving time is just counter productive. I'll love the old dog the same, but I'll have someone else to focus on. That being said, I'll probably die a little when this one goes.
  23. Hey Snowyday. You are not alone. Your story is extremely similar to mine! I was also in a 6.5 year long relationship, 6 years age difference (only I am the oldest here), BU straight out of the blue after a period of him being distant. The "it's nothing wrong with you"-part, and the "I need to be alone" speech. Then there suddenly was a coworker in the picture after about 1 week after the break up. So yeah, I feel ya'! First of all - you're not abnormal or anything for feeling the way you do. Secondly - its f*ing hard to get through this ! For me, it's been a survival struggle. Just taking one day at a time, one thing, one day, one week... You know. I don't know about you, but for me it was like my whole future dissapeared, and even though I KNOW there's probably quite a few good things out there for me to experience, I'm just not interested. It feels like a "Plan B", something you have to execute because the thing you wanted didn't work. And it's like "okeyish". I felt like I needed to accept that life would be okeyish, and everything above that would be a good surprise. I'm not into the whole "there are bigger and better rhings out there for you". I didn't believe it when I was happy in a relationship, and I don't believe it now. So that's where I'm at, 7 months in... Sorry to say. This sh*t takes time... But it won't feel horrible all the time, it comes an goes in waves, and then each wave is easier to stomach each time, passes quicklier. I also felt like you - like everything I knew about him and rebound relationships and everything just logically would implode at a point. I initiatet NC the second he told me about newgirl, and I've keept to that. Until now. I think the whole NC-regime needs to be evaluated, and what it does for different people depends on the person. BUT NC worked for me as a way of telling him his choice led to him loosing me (he was always very clear about wanting to "stay friends"). it also worked for me as a way of getting distance. He wasn't in my life anymore, but I still loved him, and wouldn't be able to see him without wanting the relationship-affection so... And I never googlet newgilr, didn't snoop on his facebook etc, blocked him everywhere, because doing the snooping-thing only makes you feel worse... BUT After a while I noticed that i had alot of unsaid things, and a lot of kindling hope that just wouldn't go out. So after people telling me he wasn't doing to good I did contact him. And he confirmed that he's actually feeling quite lost. He's in pain, he regerets things, he misses me etc. And even though it might not be anything more than that knowlegde to gain from breaking NC, it still feels good. It didn't make me hope more, because he just confirmed all the things I was thinking anyway, and it didn't make me hurt more either, because the situastion is as it is. But i couldn't have done it earlier in the process, because then his heasitation to act would have killed me. So you hav to decide what is good for you. I'm advicing NC, and more often than not, breaking it makes you feel worse, so it's a good tool to get back on your feet. But then you have to decide on the whole NC versus closure - thing. Some people are better off closing the door, and just keep walking. Some people need to open it once in a while. Some people run for the hills, and then they come back to the same door. And there's success stories about every one of those different paths. I think the important thing is to survive - and finda a way to survive the best you can. Don't let the "never again"- thoughts get to you, because you don't know the answers to them anyway. For me my hobbies worked, reading LOTS of books (then I could focus on something other than my own thoughts), talking to people in similar situations (like on this forum) and remembering that I wasn't alone. I wasn't a failure. Hang in there!
  24. My goodness. This sounds like my worst nightmares, literally! Go, go, go! Don’t think, don’t feel guilty. Don’t let yourself feel anything but anger towards this dump of a man! Call a friend or co-worker or anything and live there until you can go, even if it’s just for a few days. Then ignore him. Just think self preservation first right now, everything else can be thought through later. You don’t have to deal with the “never again”-emotions right now. Just survive! Even if he “gave you an ultimatum list” (which seems crazy btw), he is acting like an ass with this new girl. This is not normal behavior, not from him OR her! When you’re out of this situation, then you can get to the other stuff. It’s hard, but you’ll survive! When my ex broke it off with me I was out of there that day. Lived with friends and family until I was able to get another place to live, then rallied everyone to help me move. Took approximately 3weeks all in all. Then everything sucked for quite a while, still does, but it’s different kinds of waves with different kind of emotions. And - big hug from me! “You’re enough, you’re enough, you are enough!” -Kodaline
  25. I know what you mean! Lots of people have been telling me that too! “Just have a fling!, you don’t have to marry someone to sleep with them”. I kinda just put it down to my rather religious upbringing, but I guess it’s quite common.
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