Wife Slept with Another Man...BUT....

I'm at such a loss of what to do with my marriage! I have been married for 3.5 years to a woman that I dated for 5 years before marriage. We had broken up after 5 years and within a week she found a new guy on Tinder. I knew she was dating, but had no idea how involved she had become with the new guy. After 5 weeks apart, I asked her if we could meet and talk about our relationship. I told her that I wanted to marry her and blend our families (second marriage for both of us). We eventually get engaged and married -- BUT -- here is the real story of what she was doing that I didn't learn until 2 YEARS after we were married. Back at my initial proposal time, she told me she wanted one week of no communication to think about my proposal. I asked that since we were at a critical juncture in our lives, that she not see the other guy during that week - which she readily agreed and assured me she would not. In reality (learned 2 years later), she slept with that other guy that same day (!), the next day and the next day - totaling 7 sex sessions and 3 overnights together during that week of no communication with me when she was "thinking" about my marriage proposal. She and I met a week later and she told me she "was curious about someone new" and declined to reunite with me. But, 3 hours later, she called me and said she was making a mistake - and wanted to get back together. We shared dinner that night and she went home with our new relationship agreed. BUT, the next morning she called me to her apartment and told me that "every bone in her body" said no - and that she was "not actively in love with me."

She broke off our short-lived reunion. She wrote my mom a goodbye letter and basically told me she was done with me. After a few tumultuous days, we started texting each other. About 10 days later, I wrote her magnificent love letter telling her how much I loved her and why - and saying that I wanted to marry her and start our family together. That very same night (again!) (as before, I learned this information 2 years later), she had her other lover take her and her kid out for dinner and then she made love to her other man all night long, and the next day and the next day. She was so smitten with the new guy, that she planned a weekend get-away trip with him for the coming weekend. BUT, that same day that they last "made love", he abruptly dumped her by phone -- saying that he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and that he was picking the ex-girlfriend over my now-wife. She was devastated and cried her eyes out....and reached to me. It turns out the other guy said he didn't want to "lead her on" anymore and she said she told him that she wished he had told her this 2 weeks earlier - which is exactly when she broke off our overnight reunion!! Which means clearly that she picked him over me - but if he hadn't been around, then she would have picked me. She LIED and told me that she dumped the other guy and was interested in exploring reuniting with me. Literally 3 days after she last had sex with the other guy (and I had NO CLUE) - we had sex and started a committed relationship and having sex daily. Within 10 days we were looking at engagement rings and within 4 weeks we were engaged and married within 3 months.

All of this transpired with the days and weeks after she picked the other guy over me, got dumped by him, lied to me that she was the one that broke it off - and then she rebounded to me and we got engaged! It makes me sick to my stomach to learn these true facts and timing. HAD I KNOWN any of this at the time when we got engaged, I would not have asked her to marry me and would have run for the hills - never to see her again. BUT I didn't learn any of this until AFTER I had married her. What to do? I can't get over the FACTS that she picked another guy over me, had sex with both of us in the same week - that she used me to feel better about herself after getting dumped by the other guy. I cannot reconcile that I am married to this type of person. She admits to all of this now (after I discovered the truth) - and she says that she "love me now" - even though I was her second choice at that time. WHAT TO DO??? Thanks for any suggestions.

How did you "discover" all of these truths? What led to you finding out all of this?

Has your marriage been a good one? Were you happy and feeling loved prior to knowing the truth? Did you trust and love her prior to the truth?

Well, I think you know what to do since you said you'd have never married her if you'd known all of this. This is extremely messed up. Not only she betrayed your trust, but she didn't seem to have told you honestly she was having doubts about your relationship and on top of it, she made it sound like you were her second choice. Besides, it seems as though she'd have never told you if you didn't dig out and she doesn't sound very interested in trying to make amends. I don't want to make it worse than it is, but what else could she be lying about? Honesty and communication are the basis of healthy and stable relationship.

I certainly wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. And you've found she's not the person you thought you loved and wanted to marry, so I think you know the answer. This isn't really the type of issue that can be worked out in a relationship, in my opinion.

These are good questions ^

Unfortunately if you want your marriage to continue you'll have to do your best to put the past behind you...

If you've been married now for 3 years, then who did she ultimately choose to spend her life with?

Carus*

Well, I think you know what to do since you said you'd have never married her if you'd known all of this. This is extremely messed up. Not only she betrayed your trust, but she didn't seem to have told you honestly she was having doubts about your relationship and on top of it, she made it sound like you were her second choice. Besides, it seems as though she'd have never told you if you didn't dig out and she doesn't sound very interested in trying to make amends. I don't want to make it worse than it is, but what else could she be lying about? Honesty and communication are the basis of healthy and stable relationship.

 

I certainly wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. And you've found she's not the person you thought you loved and wanted to marry, so I think you know the answer. This isn't really the type of issue that can be worked out in a relationship, in my opinion.

Unless we all marry our first love/boyfriend/girlfriend aren't we ALL marrying our "second choice?"

I wonder how many people actually are going to bed with two (or more) people they are fond of and sexually attracted to before they choose (or as in this case... forced to choose?)

Well, I would basically sum up my advice by saying ... so what? You broke up. She had an affair with another man. The guy dumped her. She had an offer from you on the table and she accepted it. The relationship clock started running at that point.

It's ridiculous to think that you can break up with someone and extract a promise from them that they're not going to sleep with someone else during the time they're broken up. (You're not the first one to try to do this.) You knew she had found someone else. And she got her comeuppance by being dumped by her Tinder boyfriend.

Your ego is bruised only because you found out she preferred Tinder guy over you. But like ThatWasThen noted, don't we all wind up marrying our "second choices?"

Did you guys have an argument and she threw her affair in your face? Is that how you found out? And people exaggerate what they say during arguments. She might not have been having as much sex as you think.

In any event, are you going to be the better man in all of this and forget about any perceived injustice? She's with you now. She says she loves you. You have a nice blended family. Can you put your jealousy aside and get over this?

I had some kind of a similar experience in my past, and since then neither me nor her could get rid of thinking about that but mine was not a great relationship we were not married and did not have kids. I do not agree with "everyone is your second choice".

If you really think she is sincere and you can handle this, i think you would be okay. Being forgiving is not bad if you trust your partner after all.

Good luck

your marriage is built on the foundation of a lie. Sadly you will always be the one she married on the rebound.

your marriage is built on the foundation of a lie. Sadly you will always be the one she married on the rebound.

The thing is, she says and shows (at least we've not been told differently) that she loves him and is glad she is with him. He loves her as well so what does it really matter at this point that he MAY have been a rebound?

I'm at such a loss of what to do with my marriage! I have been married for 3.5 years to a woman that I dated for 5 years before marriage. We had broken up after 5 years and within a week she found a new guy on Tinder. I knew she was dating, but had no idea how involved she had become with the new guy. After 5 weeks apart, I asked her if we could meet and talk about our relationship. I told her that I wanted to marry her and blend our families (second marriage for both of us). We eventually get engaged and married -- BUT -- here is the real story of what she was doing that I didn't learn until 2 YEARS after we were married. Back at my initial proposal time, she told me she wanted one week of no communication to think about my proposal. I asked that since we were at a critical juncture in our lives, that she not see the other guy during that week - which she readily agreed and assured me she would not. In reality (learned 2 years later), she slept with that other guy that same day (!), the next day and the next day - totaling 7 sex sessions and 3 overnights together during that week of no communication with me when she was "thinking" about my marriage proposal. She and I met a week later and she told me she "was curious about someone new" and declined to reunite with me. But, 3 hours later, she called me and said she was making a mistake - and wanted to get back together. We shared dinner that night and she went home with our new relationship agreed. BUT, the next morning she called me to her apartment and told me that "every bone in her body" said no - and that she was "not actively in love with me." She broke off our short-lived reunion. She wrote my mom a goodbye letter and basically told me she was done with me. After a few tumultuous days, we started texting each other. About 10 days later, I wrote her magnificent love letter telling her how much I loved her and why - and saying that I wanted to marry her and start our family together. That very same night (again!) (as before, I learned this information 2 years later), she had her other lover take her and her kid out for dinner and then she made love to her other man all night long, and the next day and the next day. She was so smitten with the new guy, that she planned a weekend get-away trip with him for the coming weekend. BUT, that same day that they last "made love", he abruptly dumped her by phone -- saying that he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and that he was picking the ex-girlfriend over my now-wife. She was devastated and cried her eyes out....and reached to me. It turns out the other guy said he didn't want to "lead her on" anymore and she said she told him that she wished he had told her this 2 weeks earlier - which is exactly when she broke off our overnight reunion!! Which means clearly that she picked him over me - but if he hadn't been around, then she would have picked me. She LIED and told me that she dumped the other guy and was interested in exploring reuniting with me. Literally 3 days after she last had sex with the other guy (and I had NO CLUE) - we had sex and started a committed relationship and having sex daily. Within 10 days we were looking at engagement rings and within 4 weeks we were engaged and married within 3 months. All of this transpired with the days and weeks after she picked the other guy over me, got dumped by him, lied to me that she was the one that broke it off - and then she rebounded to me and we got engaged! It makes me sick to my stomach to learn these true facts and timing. HAD I KNOWN any of this at the time when we got engaged, I would not have asked her to marry me and would have run for the hills - never to see her again. BUT I didn't learn any of this until AFTER I had married her. What to do? I can't get over the FACTS that she picked another guy over me, had sex with both of us in the same week - that she used me to feel better about herself after getting dumped by the other guy. I cannot reconcile that I am married to this type of person. She admits to all of this now (after I discovered the truth) - and she says that she "love me now" - even though I was her second choice at that time. WHAT TO DO??? Thanks for any suggestions.

Most importantly, she is a big liar!

I'm at such a loss of what to do with my marriage! I have been married for 3.5 years to a woman that I dated for 5 years before marriage. We had broken up after 5 years and within a week she found a new guy on Tinder. I knew she was dating, but had no idea how involved she had become with the new guy. After 5 weeks apart, I asked her if we could meet and talk about our relationship. I told her that I wanted to marry her and blend our families (second marriage for both of us). We eventually get engaged and married -- BUT -- here is the real story of what she was doing that I didn't learn until 2 YEARS after we were married. Back at my initial proposal time, she told me she wanted one week of no communication to think about my proposal. I asked that since we were at a critical juncture in our lives, that she not see the other guy during that week - which she readily agreed and assured me she would not. In reality (learned 2 years later), she slept with that other guy that same day (!), the next day and the next day - totaling 7 sex sessions and 3 overnights together during that week of no communication with me when she was "thinking" about my marriage proposal. She and I met a week later and she told me she "was curious about someone new" and declined to reunite with me. But, 3 hours later, she called me and said she was making a mistake - and wanted to get back together. We shared dinner that night and she went home with our new relationship agreed. BUT, the next morning she called me to her apartment and told me that "every bone in her body" said no - and that she was "not actively in love with me." She broke off our short-lived reunion. She wrote my mom a goodbye letter and basically told me she was done with me. After a few tumultuous days, we started texting each other. About 10 days later, I wrote her magnificent love letter telling her how much I loved her and why - and saying that I wanted to marry her and start our family together. That very same night (again!) (as before, I learned this information 2 years later), she had her other lover take her and her kid out for dinner and then she made love to her other man all night long, and the next day and the next day. She was so smitten with the new guy, that she planned a weekend get-away trip with him for the coming weekend. BUT, that same day that they last "made love", he abruptly dumped her by phone -- saying that he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and that he was picking the ex-girlfriend over my now-wife. She was devastated and cried her eyes out....and reached to me. It turns out the other guy said he didn't want to "lead her on" anymore and she said she told him that she wished he had told her this 2 weeks earlier - which is exactly when she broke off our overnight reunion!! Which means clearly that she picked him over me - but if he hadn't been around, then she would have picked me. She LIED and told me that she dumped the other guy and was interested in exploring reuniting with me. Literally 3 days after she last had sex with the other guy (and I had NO CLUE) - we had sex and started a committed relationship and having sex daily. Within 10 days we were looking at engagement rings and within 4 weeks we were engaged and married within 3 months. All of this transpired with the days and weeks after she picked the other guy over me, got dumped by him, lied to me that she was the one that broke it off - and then she rebounded to me and we got engaged! It makes me sick to my stomach to learn these true facts and timing. HAD I KNOWN any of this at the time when we got engaged, I would not have asked her to marry me and would have run for the hills - never to see her again. BUT I didn't learn any of this until AFTER I had married her. What to do? I can't get over the FACTS that she picked another guy over me, had sex with both of us in the same week - that she used me to feel better about herself after getting dumped by the other guy. I cannot reconcile that I am married to this type of person. She admits to all of this now (after I discovered the truth) - and she says that she "love me now" - even though I was her second choice at that time. WHAT TO DO??? Thanks for any suggestions.

Why on earth are all of these intricate details of your wife’s past even being discussed in the first place?

Nothing good ever comes from discussing something like this.

Thank you to the many people that took the time to read my post and provide their perspective - I appreciate all of them! To fill in some of the posed questions. I found out through my own investigating and confronting her. I knew her very well after 5 years of dating and I could tell things were a bit "off" with her story and timeline of when she purportedly broke up with the Tinder guy. Also, during our engagement period and the first few months of our marriage, while I was lavishing her in genuine love, she was somewhat rejecting my love and was distant from me for the first time in our relationship. I started to piece it together, and during marriage counseling, the lies started to come out and unravel. She tried to protect herself by only admitting the truth on a piece-by-piece basis - which caused more mistrust and damage.

It took over 2 years for the full story to come out and for her to admit that she did pick Tinder guy over me and my marriage proposal. And then she did finally admit that she didn't really want me initially after Tinder guy dumped her - she just "needed" me to boost her shattered ego -- I had broken up with her 2 months earlier, then Tinder guy abruptly dumped her - and she needed me (any available man) to adore her and make her feel good again. She has said in the past year that she "always loved me" (even while having sex with Tinder guy and rejecting me) but that she wasn't really thinking marriage with me initially - she "jumped on my marriage train". She actually also told me during our first several months of marriage, as I was asking/investigating why she was cool to me - that she would "love me more later in marriage". That stung a lot.

To top off this whole Tinder-guy story - at the same time she was sleeping with Tinder guy, she was also having oral sex with an ex-boyfriend from a decade earlier and sleeping naked with him as "best friends" - but she claims other than 1-2 times of oral sex on him, they didn't have any other sex. This was a clear violation of her fledgling relationship with Tinder guy as well. So, during our engagement and marriage, she wanted to continue her "friendship" with old boyfriend and I had no problem with it - not knowing that they had been recently sexual and clearly had more than a normal friendship. She lied to me about "old boyfriend" saying that they communicated about two times per month - when in reality it was 2-3 times per day! Once discovered, she vowed (during marriage counseling) to end her friendship with old boyfriend for the betterment of our marriage - then she resumed confidential contact with him - and got caught by me - so she again vowed to cut him off - and got caught communicating yet again with him - and now she claims she has abided by the no-communication rule with him for past 9 months.

AND, she also got caught looking up Tinder guy and her prior 2 boyfriends before me on social media (Facebook, Instagram) because she said she was "curious." But "now she loves me" - "now she chooses me." I've told my marriage proposal and offer of my love was not an open invitation to be accepted by her once she was done sleeping with another man that she picked over me - but of course this is all in hindsight - as we were already married. I would NEVER have married her had I known ANY of this prior to marrying her. But I have this ridiculous romantic notion of us coming through all of this and succeeding - but it is not working.

Someone asked if the marriage had been good before my discoveries, and the answer is: not really. We've never been the same as we had been when dating for 5 years - after our last break up and then reunion/marriage - it is has never been as good. Seems we lost the magic.

Because they are all relevant to our marriage - I had asked her to marry me - she said she was not going to see the Tinder Guy for a week as she thought about my proposal offer - and she slept with him 7 times during that week - then picked him over me - then he dumped her - then she lied to me and said she dumped him because she knew I was the love of her life - and she used me and my offer of marriage. She admitted that she was not "genuine in her love for me" until months after our engagement....

A marriage isn't built on the foundation that existed when the marriage began it is built brick by brick, day by day. So if things were really good between you, until you found out about the past, I would think that you should be able to focus on what your relationship is now, and what it can be in the future - continuing to build whatever you had been building towards. However, it sounds like rather than a foundation being built, her lies were dismantled piece by piece, day by day, fragmenting whatever tenuous connection you had. Your decision to propose in order to save a relationship that had failed was probably not the best. However, her decision to use you and accept that proposal in order to feel good about herself doesn't speak well to her character either. She may think she genuinely loves you now, but I don't think I would be able to trust that love to remain were I in your position.

All I can say is be honest with her about how you are feeling, and continue to go to counseling until you can make a decision on what to do.

Because they are all relevant to our marriage - I had asked her to marry me - she said she was not going to see the Tinder Guy for a week as she thought about my proposal offer - and she slept with him 7 times during that week - then picked him over me - then he dumped her - then she lied to me and said she dumped him because she knew I was the love of her life - and she used me and my offer of marriage. She admitted that she was not "genuine in her love for me" until months after our engagement....

I think you made the mistake of trying to get this proposal locked in. If someone has to think about if they want to marry you for a week, and then suggests you not contact her for the whole week, something is definitely up. Distance. The distance thing is making me think that she's just not that into you. Maybe you come across as needy to her, but this marriage doesn't sound worth it to me. You won't be able to trust her, and she definitely isn't being open with you. So I'd just move on if it were me. That sounds like hell.

She also contacted her ex after vowing. In my opinion that is even worse than tinder guy incident because now you are married and she vowed. I do not think she is sincerely in to you. As you said, your marriage also has not been very well. I think you should be brave at that point. It is never too late.

I think there is a lot of grey area here...In my opinion, while you were actually broken up, your wife (as painful as it may be) was free to do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted. She was single and therefore could act promiscuous and sleep with different men as she so wanted. I'm sorry but I think also when she was single she was not obliged to keep you updated what she was doing with other men, e.g. Tinder guy. I agree that she shouldn't have promised not to see Tinder guy for one week if she didn't intend on keeping her promise. Lying is bad in any case. But also you were placing ultimatums on her and she was technically single at that time, so I guess she just didn't like you telling her what to do.

I think life is not always as clear cut as "first choice, second choice", etc. We all make all kinds of choices but it's what comes of those choices later that's the important part. Also not every time the second choice is a "bad" choice.

E.g. one time my Dad had a job interview and he never heard anything afterwards. Three months later, the employer called him and offered the job. So obviously it hadn't worked out with another employee, so they offered it to my Dad as a second choice. But after that the employer was happy with my Dad and my father really enjoyed the job too.

Same thing with online dating, if someone we liked dumps us, we can continue dating our "second choice". But just because they were second doesn't mean a relationship can't blossom with them too.

I think the really big issue here is more your wife's lying. I mean of course she wasn't going to tell you that she picked you second, that's very insensitive and inconsiderate. What I think the biggest problem here is that she wasn't honest about her sexual relationship with that ex-boyfriend and then she continued her close friendship with him throughout your whole marriage. Even now that you've caught her out, she's still not willing to distance herself from him.

I would say that behaviour does point to dishonesty and lack of respect towards you. It's difficult to know though if your wife does love you but just has very poor boundaries and loves attention from men. I mean, you were together for five years to begin with. That's a pretty long time so she obviously did care for you a lot to stay with you so long. During your break-up, she could have found more guys from Tinder, but she did pick you. Hard to know though if she chose you because she knew you were loyal to her and she really needed male comfort and attention.

I reckon unfortunately there is a big chance that your wife isn't into you enough to not talk to other guys (e.g. ex-boyfriend). I think you need to give her an ultimatum and say that if she doesn't change her behaviour, you're out of there!

But regarding the past, you can't change it.

To top off this whole Tinder-guy story - at the same time she was sleeping with Tinder guy, she was also having oral sex with an ex-boyfriend from a decade earlier and sleeping naked with him as "best friends" - but she claims other than 1-2 times of oral sex on him, they didn't have any other sex. This was a clear violation of her fledgling relationship with Tinder guy as well. So, during our engagement and marriage, she wanted to continue her "friendship" with old boyfriend and I had no problem with it - not knowing that they had been recently sexual and clearly had more than a normal friendship. She lied to me about "old boyfriend" saying that they communicated about two times per month - when in reality it was 2-3 times per day! Once discovered, she vowed (during marriage counseling) to end her friendship with old boyfriend for the betterment of our marriage - then she resumed confidential contact with him - and got caught by me - so she again vowed to cut him off - and got caught communicating yet again with him - and now she claims she has abided by the no-communication rule with him for past 9 months.

What did your marriage counselor suggest for the two of you to get you through her inappropriate, disrespectful and promiscuous behaviour? I'm curious.

I would be done with this. This woman is not trustworthy.

Sorry, that you had to deal with all of this. Awful.

Based on what you wrote, she is a serial liar. You cannot trust a liar and no trust = no relationship. Therefore, if you don't have any kids together, imo the best thing would be to divorce. You have known the whole truth for 1.5 years now, yet it sounds like you have remained stuck, nor breaking up nor forgiving and moving forward. You need to make a decision and stick to it. If you decide to forgive her, you loose the right to rehash the past. It sounds like 1.5 years of professional help has not helped resolve your issues. Therefore, divorce and moving on is probably the answer. Staying on playing detective for another couple of decades, like you have been doing so far, does not sound constructive nor much fun to me...

You KNEW there was someone else and you wanted to marry her anyway -- she told you she was interested/curious about someone new. Never marry someone who is not sure about you. The problem at this point lies with you -- do not marry anyone who has to "think about" your proposal for a week with no contact. the person you propose to - you should have a good idea they will say yes because you have both softballed the idea to eachother prior.

If your wife has been faithful since the day you married - then don't upend the kids lives for your ego of not being "first choice". If your marriage is good except this revelation -- i would not rip your family apart out of spite. Go to counseling. Figure out why she confessed this now and move forward. btw, you were not the rebound. HE was the rebound since you had been dating for 5 years and broke up for a short time.

You KNEW there was someone else and you wanted to marry her anyway -- she told you she was interested/curious about someone new. Never marry someone who is not sure about you. The problem at this point lies with you -- do not marry anyone who has to "think about" your proposal for a week with no contact. the person you propose to - you should have a good idea they will say yes because you have both softballed the idea to eachother prior.

 

If your wife has been faithful since the day you married - then don't upend the kids lives for your ego of not being "first choice". If your marriage is good except this revelation -- i would not rip your family apart out of spite. Go to counseling. Figure out why she confessed this now and move forward. btw, you were not the rebound. HE was the rebound since you had been dating for 5 years and broke up for a short time.

Did I miss where he said he had children?

Did I miss where he said he had children?

They have kids. Its a blended family -- they don't have bios together, but his proposal included "blending their families"

They have kids. Its a blended family -- they don't have bios together, but his proposal included "blending their families"

He also said this though:

Someone asked if the marriage had been good before my discoveries, and the answer is: not really. We've never been the same as we had been when dating for 5 years - after our last break up and then reunion/marriage - it is has never been as good. Seems we lost the magic.

I am so appreciative of the various opinions expressed here - and the time people take to help me with my situation. I have been "stuck" for 2 years now - despite great effort to forgive and move on, I have been unable. A big problem has been the continuous lying from her and the slow dribbling out of the truth - despite being in couples counseling for almost 3 years! Her admissions have been devastating to me - and immensely compounded by the emotional affair with old boyfriend. My primary problem in not moving forward productively with her is the severe doubt I have about her and her lying - and how easily she did it all and how continuously. I think I'm done with her. We do not have kids together - so little glue to keep a failing marriage together.