I don't know what to do with this guy! 😩

Hello enotalone forum,

 

I met this guy earlier this year. He's attractive and flirty. However, he's hot and cold and always sends me mixed signals. He told me many times he wanted to take me out to dinner and movies but he never did. He often just come over and cuddle and have sex with me. He was very affectionate whenever I saw him but he disappeared often in text messages. We weren't even dating but he called me many pet names and acted very physically intimate with me. I confronted him and he said he's just not ready for a relationship and he wanted to focus on his job. I didn't know him that well so I took the benefit of doubt.

 

Last month, he suddenly told me he was going on a date. I felt really betrayed as I invested lots of time and energy in him and he always says "I will take you out later, I'm just busy", suddenly he's not busy and ready for a relationship anymore?

 

I talked to him on the phone to clear things up and he said he just didn't want a relationship with me as we are not compatible, he wanted sex and companionship(I guess he wanted FWB?), and he seemed very keen to remain friends.

He doesn't seem to know his actions are unethical and always act like he's the "Mr Nice Guy", saying he respects women and he's not a player...He said he didn't want to hurt me, that's why he remained distant to me, he didn't want us to get attached to each other blah blah blah. He should have told me he wanted FWB and he wants to date other women from the beginning instead of leading me on?

 

Funnily, I have heard from a mutual friend that he's not doing well with his new date and she is not happy with his flakiness either. He seems like a confused man and quite bad in dating. He's hot and cold to everyone I suppose, not only me.

 

I blocked his number after him not responding to my text for few days when I told him I wasn't doing very well. I was tired of reaching out to him and over extending myself to him even after our reconciliation. I was tired of this push and pull thing(he comes back whenever I ignore him). He wanted to stay friends but he didn't put much effort in it. He still called me the pet name he gave me, he's so confusing. I was tired of the mixed signals. I didn't want to have no dignity & self respect.

 

I am in No Contact for only 2 weeks. It felt like 2 months, it is so difficult. The grieving is painful, so painful sometimes I want to re-establish contact to ease the pain.

 

So the questions are, how long should I do the no contact? How many months? Is it possible to be his friends again afterwards(I don't hate him, I like hanging out with him)? What's the best method for most dignity and self-respect? How can I put my feet down and let him learn a better way to treat women(he's not Mr Nice Guy as he thinks)?

 

I am still hurt and grieving a bit, and I still have feelings for him. For me I don't really feel bitter about this, I just think he's being immature in dating and maybe we could be friends again?

I’m sorry you are disappointed. I don’t think he is unethical. I think you are being dishonest with yourself. You settled for scraps. After the first or second time he flaked about taking you on a date you should have walked away if you wanted someone who wanted to date you. He didn’t. He showed you by his actions that he was happy to hang out and hook up. You showed him by your actions that you were ok with that.

I don’t think you need to be no contact or to tell yourself there is some kind of label for it. You two want different things. So stop being in touch with him and when you are ready make yourself available to meet people who want what you want or who can introduce you to people who do. Let him live his life and try not to indulge on checkigncyp on him or gossiping about him. I know it’s disapponting and I hope you can move past this soon.

I am still hurt and grieving a bit, and I still have feelings for him. For me I don't really feel bitter about this, I just think he's being immature in dating and maybe we could be friends again?

 

I used to feel this way in my relationships with women, feeling like I was overcommitting to them and wondering why my energy wasn't be reciprocated. The reality is that people tend to categorize the people they date. If you don't feel like you are a priority in this person's life then chances are you will never be.

 

Ultimately you have to learn to value yourself and be more selective with the people you attach yourself to. I am not sure if you familiar with game theory, but the types of behaviors that happen between people who date, enter in business practices, compete in sports are all very similar.

 

It is a for tat system, where it benefits both parties to cooperate but there are advantages for betraying people or taking advantage of them. When you put yourself in a situation that allows you to be vulnerable to someone taking advantage, chances are they will eventually take advantage.

 

Early on you asked the person dating you why they couldn't take you out on dates. This was a situation where you could have walked away when they said they were busy. But instead you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and stay regardless of the situation, I don't think I need to say more.

"I confronted him and he said he's just not ready for a relationship and he wanted to focus on his job."

 

He didn't lead you on.

I would cut off all contact with him permanently. He’s not good for you.

 

The only reason you want to think of eventually reconnecting with him is because you hope that he will want to be with you romantically and in a relationship.

 

Let him go, and the hope of him changing. He isn’t worth it and you’re wasting your time and energy thinking about him.

 

The longer you stay away from him and maintain no contact, the better you will feel. Going back to him and/or reconnecting will only create more heartache for you.

 

Remind yourself that you deserve better.

He told me many times he wanted to take me out to dinner and movies but he never did.

 

This tells you all you need to know. I'd quit investing in him.

Forget about him! A lot of people (men and women) do this to get an ego boost. Its feels good to be wanted by someone who they can dismiss at any time. Stop contacting him and ignore him if he does. He will never respect you nor will you ever have commitment from him.

He only used you for sex. Why would you think you were dating if all of your dates are in the bedroom?

 

You go no contact forever. he is not your friend, and does not care about or respect you. But, you have shown zero respect for yourself.

 

Do not ever allow someone to treat you like this. You go out on proper dates, meet friends and family. No more dates in your bedroom. Get some self respect!

If you wanted to date him, you should have never had sex with him. Now he thinks you're good enough for sex but not for dating.

Next time around, teach a man to respect you and allow him to romance you and take you out on proper dates before you get into bed with him.

If you don't want a "netflix and chill" situation with this player get rid of him and date guys who want what you want. Don't try to or wait and hope to fix and change guys. What you see is what you get. Also how you act is what you get. If you agree to booty call situations, that is how it will go.

 

He often just come over and cuddle and have sex with me. He was very affectionate whenever I saw him...

 

 

I agree with what others have posted, but to add.

 

It sounds like you may have misinterpreted his "cuddles" and affection while he was at yours (to have sex) as meaning he had some sort of romantic interest in you and wanted to date you.

 

Easy mistake to make as generally speaking women bond during sex, but that's not always the case with men.

 

Men are wired differently; they typically don't bond (the way women do) over just sex, it takes something much more, something unique and special to each man over and above just sex.

 

Please learn this, and if you are the type to become emotionally attached during sex, then don't have sex until you know feelings are mutual and he wants what you want which he will demonstrate by taking you out on proper dates, and not pushing for immediate sex and insisting on "Netflix and chill."

I agree with what others have posted, but to add.

 

It sounds like you may have misinterpreted his "cuddles" and affection while he was at yours (to have sex) as meaning he had some sort of romantic interest in you and wanted to date you.

 

Easy mistake to make as generally speaking women bond during sex, but that's not always the case with men.

 

Men are wired differently; they typically don't bond (the way women do) over just sex, it takes something much more, something unique and special to each man over and above just sex.

 

Please learn this, and if you are the type to become emotionally attached during sex, then don't have sex until you know feelings are mutual and he wants what you want which he will demonstrate by taking you out on proper dates, and not pushing for immediate sex and insisting on "Netflix and chill."

 

I don't agree with this. I think individuals have individual preferences, values, standards and emotions when it comes to sex and getting attached through sex and those who believe they are "wired" in some way or have instinctive responses also can choose how to react to those feelings and desires depending on the individual situation.

 

I think if one person wants to know what the other person's intentions are as far as the meaning attached to having sex outside of an exclusive, committed relationship there should be a conversation and it's best to have that before sex if the person thinks he or she might get attached through sex. And if two single adults have sex and are not in an exclusive committed relationship and choose not to talk about intentions to me the assumption should be that it doesn't mean either person wants to go on dates or have a relationship -it's casual sex meaning outside of some understanding about what it means as far as exclusivity, commitment, love, other emotions. I don't mean casual as far as emotionless -one or both might have serious emotions about the other and those might grow because of sex. I mean casual as far as the arrangement/relationship.

 

I agree that the OP needs to know herself and be honest with herself about what sex means to her.

Hello enotalone forum,

 

...I talked to him on the phone to clear things up and he said he just didn't want a relationship with me as we are not compatible, he wanted sex and companionship(I guess he wanted FWB?), and he seemed very keen to remain friends.

He doesn't seem to know his actions are unethical and always act like he's the "Mr Nice Guy", saying he respects women and he's not a player...He said he didn't want to hurt me, that's why he remained distant to me, he didn't want us to get attached to each other blah blah blah. He should have told me he wanted FWB and he wants to date other women from the beginning instead of leading me on?

As a guy I can tell you what he is saying is simple rationalization.

He was leading you on, he knew what you wanted and kept putting you off. He knew you wanted more than good enough for now. A FWB relationship is only honest if it is made clear that what it is before the benefits or right after the benefits.

Of course he still wants to keep having sex...of course he wants you to be there for him...he just doesn't want to be there for you (or anyone it seems but himself).

 

 

He wanted to stay friends but he didn't put much effort in it. He still called me the pet name he gave me, he's so confusing.

Pet names are just words and talk is cheap. It's not confusing if you consider that he is calling you pet names just to get you in the sack.

 

 

So the questions are, how long should I do the no contact? How many months? Is it possible to be his friends again afterwards(I don't hate him, I like hanging out with him)? What's the best method for most dignity and self-respect? How can I put my feet down and let him learn a better way to treat women(he's not Mr Nice Guy as he thinks)?

My view is you may need to move on, write him off. Of course he is fun, guys who are not fun and who are bad in bed never get away with this. The best method for dignity and self respect is to move on, and tell your tale to your friends. If I was your male friend I'd cut this guy out of my circle as a douche bag. He is not Mr. Nice Guy. He's the opposite, he uses his charm and politeness to take advantage of people.

 

I am still hurt and grieving a bit, and I still have feelings for him. For me I don't really feel bitter about this, I just think he's being immature in dating and maybe we could be friends again?

Your feelings are those of a truly good and nice person. If you do go the friend route, I would say wait a long time, like 6 months to a year and then only after you have someone new and solid in your life. Guarantee you he will try to seduce you, and make all sorts of promises, maybe even take you on a date, to get you back in bed, all the while he will be pursuing other women.

@Algos, ^^great post, great advice. :)

Of all the replies, I feel like @Algos is the most relevant and accurate to me. A very good response, you are very accurate and read it well.

 

I disagree with many peoples opinion here and I agree with Algos’ most. I feel like some people are making incorrect assumptions about me.

 

Yeah he always acts like he’s the charming Mr Nice Guy in front of me and our mutual friends and he says respects women and he even said it’s a shame we can’t be friends anymore. He tells people he’s not a player etc. It seems self righteous and self serving almost. I don’t really know...I don’t know him that well. He’s very elusive.

 

Yeah I guess I miss the fun and charm, as you said if a guys bad in bed and not charming can’t get away from this. I guess it’s impossible to be his friend 🙄 it’s nice to hang out and I don’t have problems with FWB but I think this person would just take advantage of me because he’s dishonest and self serving...even sex would be just boosting his ego 🙄 if only he uses his good looks and charm properly...

 

Where are the charming and fun guys who are not players? Where’s a good place to meet them?

 

PS. I think the whole men and women are wired differently thing is bull crap, men get attached during sex too and many women don’t get attached. Both men and women can be players

Forget about him! A lot of people (men and women) do this to get an ego boost. Its feels good to be wanted by someone who they can dismiss at any time. Stop contacting him and ignore him if he does. He will never respect you nor will you ever have commitment from him.

 

This is so true too.

 

I just want to restate there’s a difference between ethical FWB and leading people on to get an ego boost 🙄

I don’t believe he lead OP on. In my opinion he was clear as day - not interested. I’m sorry OP - in the future, actions speak louder than words.

 

I think the whole men and women are wired differently thing is bull crap, men get attached during sex too and many women don’t get attached. Both men and women can be players

 

I am sorry you took offense to my comment; I agree, absolutely there are men who will bond over sex and women who won't, and both can be players.

 

I was speaking in the general, using words like "generally speaking" and "typically'" meaning *not always*, there are always exceptions. You are free to disagree.

 

Let's take your situation (for example), you appear to be quite attached, on the other hand, he is not.

 

I'm sorry this didn't work out, best of luck.

If you are looking for "charm and fun" then you'll find all the players because that's all they have to invest to get access to sex with you.. If you want fwb you'll find that easily also. If you willingly enter a fwb arrangement, no one is "taking advantage" of you.

 

The good guys are out there but if all you are looking for is "looks, charm, fun and fwb", then that's all you'll get. Players. It's not about "where are the nice guys?", it's about your low and superficial standards.

I don’t have problems with FWB but I think this person would just take advantage of me .Where are the charming and fun guys who are not players? Where’s a good place to meet them?

If you are looking for "charm and fun" then you'll find all the players because that's all they have to invest to get access to sex with you.. If you want fwb you'll find that easily also. If you willingly enter a fwb arrangement, no one is "taking advantage" of you.

 

The good guys are out there but if all you are looking for is "looks, charm, fun and fwb", then that's all you'll get. Players. It's not about "where are the nice guys?", it's about your low and superficial standards.

 

I wouldn’t lump players in with people who are friends and decide to have sex or single adults who decide to have a sexual arrangement. Players are people who deceive other people and not just sex related. He was flaky but she stuck around even though he kept flaking. Flaking isn’t deceitful it’s just unreliable and annoying. I agree she needs standards that she sticks to and more self honesty.

Of all the replies, I feel like @Algos is the most relevant and accurate to me. A very good response, you are very accurate and read it well.

Thanks DiamondDay

 

 

....Where are the charming and fun guys who are not players? Where’s a good place to meet them?

Well places where players abound is bars, clubs, basically pick-up scenes. These days you can easily get an idea of the "tactics" and venues they consider good for pick-ups as they have all sorts of sites.

 

My general idea to find charming fun people is through mutual interest and activities, meet-up groups (but not ones known to be pick-up meet ups...think more a geeky or some other interest that a player would think would have a low chance of finding women easy to impress), and if through your social circle as they are not strangers but known people.

"Where are the charming and fun guys who are not players? Where’s a good place to meet them? "

 

Some suggestions: volunteer at backstage community theater, volunteer where you interact with people who also can introduce you to people, salsa or swing dancing lessons, singles events, a hiking group. One friend married her dance instructor, another met her husband while playing tennis, I met my husband at work, another met her husband on Valentine's Day in her building's laundromat.

 

I am not sure what you specifically mean by charming and fun. I think my husband is both because he is well-liked for good reasons and he loves to travel so we've been to all sorts of interesting places. That is fun, to me. He also has a good sense of humor. He is not what most would call "hot" in that sort of trendy/conventional sense (neither am I) and he is on the shy/reserved/introverted side so while he developed an edge as he grew in confidence he wasn't one of the guys most women swooned over. He also is shorter than average -does that matter to you? Totally fine if it does but I raise that because I think it's important to make a list of non-negotiables and see if you can keep it relatively short in length.

 

Also are you charming and fun? In what environments -if all -I bet some more than others. What makes you fun to be around especially with a new person? Just some things to think about.

I don’t believe he lead OP on. In my opinion he was clear as day - not interested. I’m sorry OP - in the future, actions speak louder than words.

 

If you are looking for "charm and fun" then you'll find all the players because that's all they have to invest to get access to sex with you.. If you want fwb you'll find that easily also. If you willingly enter a fwb arrangement, no one is "taking advantage" of you.

 

The good guys are out there but if all you are looking for is "looks, charm, fun and fwb", then that's all you'll get. Players. It's not about "where are the nice guys?", it's about your low and superficial standards.

 

I’m so tired of this. Can people stop defending him and putting on the blame on me? Can people stop assuming things about me, my values, what I want from people? It really irritates me. How am I being dishonest with myself? You don’t even know me.

 

I have said many times here already there’s a difference between ethical FWB and playing. The society as a whole needs to realise this kind of behaviour is not okay. This IS leading people on. Even he has admitted that 🙄 Stop defending. I have many friends who are into polyamory and “The Ethical S— ” and they can totally have booty call relationships without deceiving the other person. You can have FWB but still respect the other person and don’t send mixed signals 🙄

 

Of course I can be more selective about people I interact with, but almost every friend I know have been in my situation and have been played and I’m not gonna blame them saying it’s because they have ridiculously low standards. Many of them are happy people with good careers. After once or twice they are able to spot this kind of person. It’s not their fault.

 

 

I don’t want to repeat it again but it frustrates me a lot. I’m gonna ignore all replies which continue to ignore my point.

Let's just put it down to this, he never treated you properly.

 

After the first time of him flaking and pretending to be decent but only to drop you or hesitate on an actual romance/dates, you should have blocked and ended it.

It's why people are blaming you, not him.

 

Men like him should only get away with it once, if it keeps on, that's on you.

I’m so tired of this. Can people stop defending him and putting on the blame on me? Can people stop assuming things about me, my values, what I want from people? It really irritates me. How am I being dishonest with myself? You don’t even know me.

 

I have said many times here already there’s a difference between ethical FWB and playing. The society as a whole needs to realise this kind of behaviour is not okay. This IS leading people on. Even he has admitted that [emoji849] Stop defending. I have many friends who are into polyamory and “The Ethical S— ” and they can totally have booty call relationships without deceiving the other person. You can have FWB but still respect the other person and don’t send mixed signals [emoji849]

 

Of course I can be more selective about people I interact with, but almost every friend I know have been in my situation and have been played and I’m not gonna blame them saying it’s because they have ridiculously low standards. Many of them are happy people with good careers. After once or twice they are able to spot this kind of person. It’s not their fault.

 

 

I don’t want to repeat it again but it frustrates me a lot. I’m gonna ignore all replies which continue to ignore my point.

 

I didn’t blame you.

 

I presented an observation you can learn from.

 

I’m not defending him - he knew where you stood and still slept with you.

 

But that’s *half* your fault, because you also knew where he stood.

 

You’re both at fault. But he was a jerk, and you were naive. Just learn from it.