I don't know what to do with this guy! 😩

[Batya33]

I’m so tired of this. Can people stop defending him and putting on the blame on me? Can people stop assuming things about me, my values, what I want from people? It really irritates me. How am I being dishonest with myself? You don’t even know me.

 

I have said many times here already there’s a difference between ethical FWB and playing. The society as a whole needs to realise this kind of behaviour is not okay. This IS leading people on. Even he has admitted that 🙄 Stop defending. I have many friends who are into polyamory and “The Ethical S— ” and they can totally have booty call relationships without deceiving the other person. You can have FWB but still respect the other person and don’t send mixed signals 🙄

 

Of course I can be more selective about people I interact with, but almost every friend I know have been in my situation and have been played and I’m not gonna blame them saying it’s because they have ridiculously low standards. Many of them are happy people with good careers. After once or twice they are able to spot this kind of person. It’s not their fault.

 

 

I don’t want to repeat it again but it frustrates me a lot. I’m gonna ignore all replies which continue to ignore my point.

 

Your actions reflect that you're being dishonest with yourself. If you want someone who wants to date you then be honest about that and don't keep tolerating someone who flakes about dating you and then place the blame entirely on him for being a jerk. He acted in a jerky way by being unreliable. It doesn't matter if a person is happy and has a career -they can make bad decisions and have low standards in a romantic relationship too. I was that person and I made bad choices (not about casual sex or being in sex buddy situation but about other things for sure!).

 

You can have an FWB with someone you are good friends with -he flaked on you a lot- that is not a good friend. You can have a sex buddy and be ethical, moral, have fun, but you seem to want a relationship. That's where the dishonesty with yourself comes in.

[catfeeder]

I’m so tired of this. Can people stop defending him and putting on the blame on me?

 

It's not about blame, it's about learning. If you want to avoid positioning yourself badly going forward, then consider what YOU can do differently and change your own behaviors.

 

If you're not interested in figuring out what you can do to protect yourself going forward, then you can opt instead to consider yourself happlessly victimized. That's not against the law, it just won't buy you any confidence in your own choices going forward.

[DiamondDay]

Mmmm thanks for the explanation, I was worried I was going to start an internet argument.

 

I do think I’m too forgiving and give people benefit of doubt a lot and I’m prone to exploitation. Most of the time I can’t really read people well at all, especially men would do anything to get laid 😲 I have low self confidence and I grew up in a very abusive family. I was taught to submit, submit and submit. I don’t know better.

 

I guess I do want to protect myself from being exploited by people like him but I just don’t what cues or what should I do. For example, whenever I confront the guy I mentioned, he would come up with some reasons, then I would think “I shouldn’t be so judgemental towards other people. I should give people the benefit of doubt. I am being unreasonable and asking for too much. I should cooperate”. Even he treated me badly, my mind always tells me I should be more compassionate towards others and I am the one being unforgiving.

I feel like I should always see there’s something good in other people and they will change.

 

Maybe I should work on myself more but these ideas are so ingrained, and as I don’t know how to see if someone’s exploiting me, I don’t know where to start 😲 I feel like a piece of blank paper when it comes to this, literally. Maybe there are bad people out there who are wolves in sheeps clothing and I’m a naive lamb. I really don’t know where to start.

 

Maybe this guy can teach me how to have better standards for people? I’m not sure how though.

 

Edit* for instance I confront him what happened to the date he promised? He would say he’s very busy and he WILL arrange a date someday. So I would think, look you are being paranoid aren’t you? You are asking him for too much? He does want to watch a movie with you, how can you be so impatient?

[Batya33]

Mmmm thanks for the explanation, I was worried I was going to start an internet argument.

 

I do think I’m too forgiving and give people benefit of doubt a lot and I’m prone to exploitation. Most of the time I can’t really read people well at all, especially men would do anything to get laid 😲 I have low self confidence and I grew up in a very abusive family. I was taught to submit, submit and submit. I don’t know better.

 

I guess I do want to protect myself from being exploited by people like him but I just don’t what cues or what should I do. For example, whenever I confront the guy I mentioned, he would come up with some reasons, then I would think “I shouldn’t be so judgemental towards other people. I should give people the benefit of doubt. I am being unreasonable and asking for too much. I should cooperate”. Even he treated me badly, my mind always tells me I should be more compassionate towards others and I am the one being unforgiving.

I feel like I should always see there’s something good in other people and they will change.

 

Maybe I should work on myself more but these ideas are so ingrained, and as I don’t know how to see if someone’s exploiting me, I don’t know where to start 😲 I feel like a piece of blank paper when it comes to this, literally. Maybe there are bad people out there who are wolves in sheeps clothing and I’m a naive lamb. I really don’t know where to start.

 

Maybe this guy can teach me how to have better standards for people? I’m not sure how though.

 

I think you have work to do on yourself and your standards as we all do. Where to start? I would find good books on the subject (Martha Beck and Dr. Phil come to mind) and do it in baby steps. He didn't exploit you -he was entitled to believe that you were ok with casual sex and since you tolerated his flakiness he was entitled to believe you were ok with that too. Yes, if you'd told him that you had some sort of disability and he took advantage of that then sure but he's not a mindreader - he can assume you're an adult who makes choices in accordance with her values. He didn't force you to do anything.

 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt is nice and doesn't mean you should be a doormat or a people pleaser at the expense of your own values and standards. It's not compassionate if you're not caring for yourself - that comes across as desperate/needy. Compassionate should be from a place of reasonable self-confidence, otherwise people are going to wonder if you're being "nice" because you're needy/want approval or because you truly want to.

 

You will ultimately have to figure out what your values and standards are with respect to how people treat you. And stick to them. It's worth it to get to that place.

[Honeycomb8]

He didn't take advantage of you as his actions clearly showed what he wanted and how he viewed you. As I've said before, you teach people how to treat you. Want a guy yo take you seriously? Demand more and have standards. If a guy flakes, bye. If a guy is inconsistent, bye. If you want sex, that's fine but don't go looking for romance when this guy is showing you blatantly as well as telling you he just doesn't want it.

[Honeycomb8]

Mmmm thanks for the explanation, I was worried I was going to start an internet argument.

 

I do think I’m too forgiving and give people benefit of doubt a lot and I’m prone to exploitation. Most of the time I can’t really read people well at all, especially men would do anything to get laid 😲 I have low self confidence and I grew up in a very abusive family. I was taught to submit, submit and submit. I don’t know better.

 

I guess I do want to protect myself from being exploited by people like him but I just don’t what cues or what should I do. For example, whenever I confront the guy I mentioned, he would come up with some reasons, then I would think “I shouldn’t be so judgemental towards other people. I should give people the benefit of doubt. I am being unreasonable and asking for too much. I should cooperate”. Even he treated me badly, my mind always tells me I should be more compassionate towards others and I am the one being unforgiving.

I feel like I should always see there’s something good in other people and they will change.

 

Maybe I should work on myself more but these ideas are so ingrained, and as I don’t know how to see if someone’s exploiting me, I don’t know where to start 😲 I feel like a piece of blank paper when it comes to this, literally. Maybe there are bad people out there who are wolves in sheeps clothing and I’m a naive lamb. I really don’t know where to start.

 

Maybe this guy can teach me how to have better standards for people? I’m not sure how though.

 

Edit* for instance I confront him what happened to the date he promised? He would say he’s very busy and he WILL arrange a date someday. So I would think, look you are being paranoid aren’t you? You are asking him for too much? He does want to watch a movie with you, how can you be so impatient?

 

I never give a person more than one chance. If someone cancels last minute or doesn't have a really good reason as to why they do what they wanna do, I next them. Most guys treat me well as a result.

[catfeeder]

Maybe there are bad people out there who are wolves in sheeps clothing and I’m a naive lamb. I really don’t know where to start.

 

Maybe this guy can teach me how to have better standards for people? I’m not sure how though.

 

Edit* for instance I confront him what happened to the date he promised? He would say he’s very busy and he WILL arrange a date someday. So I would think, look you are being paranoid aren’t you? You are asking him for too much? He does want to watch a movie with you, how can you be so impatient?

 

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't think highly enough of yourself to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

 

When in doubt, think of what you'd hope for your sister or your best friend to say or do for herself in such a situation.

 

Head high, we all need to live through some stuff in order to learn it. From there we also learn certain ways in which we will NOT position ourselves again.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to have excellent insight and that is good news. So you do realize that these ideas are a choice and not deeply ingrained because you are fully aware of the pros and cons of your thinking and actions. You are far from naive and quite articulately depict that you willingly jump into and stay in unsatisfying situations feeling like a martyr or heroine because of it.

 

You seem to realize very precisely that you have poor boundaries and tend to become a doormat, then feel "preyed upon". And that is a consistent choice you make. You also realize that there are all sorts of people and that some are better than others and you are capable of identifying them quite well, but choose to take a more victim stance for some reason.

I do think I’m too forgiving and give people benefit of doubt a lot and I’m prone to exploitation.

I feel like I should always see there’s something good in other people and they will change. Maybe there are bad people out there who are wolves in sheeps clothing and I’m a naive lamb.

[catfeeder]

There's a tiny aspect of comfort in viewing ourselves as helpless, but it's short lived and does nothing to build resilience and a healthy outlook for the future. So consider whether you'll want to view yourself as operating at the mercy of other people's lousy judgment, or whether you'll adopt the kind of resilience that can learn from mistakes and grow more confident after making them instead of defeated.

 

Our path is carved by whether we view our choices as things that happen 'to' us or whether we adopt mature discretion and responsibility for how we position ourselves at any given time. One rule of thumb I find helpful is to set my 'trust meter' with new people to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. Then I observe and allow people to show me over time whether they will EARN more trust or behave in ways that signal that I should withdraw my trust and walk away.

 

Refusal to trust blindly is not judgmental, it's practical. Trust needs to be earned rather than freely given. Whenever someone's behavior is incongruent with their words, it's disappointing, but it also tells you what you need to know.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[SherrySher]

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

 

That's a saying that has been around for a long time and applies to everyone. If someone treats you badly one time, that should be enough. Don't keep returning hoping they will change, only to be dismissed again.

 

He knew what he was doing, he wanted sex and he then wanted to give excuses as to why he couldn't give anymore. You need to see clearer on people like him. It's not about you being kind, it's about you being smart.

 

Don't allow users to keep using.

[DiamondDay]

This is all quite enlightening. Even some ideas make me uncomfortable, but I guess you guys are better for my well being than that guy ever will be?!

 

It seems like we can actually take charge with our lives without being sucked into any men’s agenda(sex especially) if we have better self respect and boundaries. That’s a shocking and powerful idea, I always felt powerless and do whatever intuitive at the moment or what believe in what the guy tells me.

 

This kind of reminds me of the 50 shades movie(I haven’t watched so I might be wrong about the plot, please don’t get offended if you are fans). The guy treats the girl like crap but the girl gets infatuated for his money and looks. He shows her that he’s a jerk but she sticks around hoping he will change and develops some kind of Stockholm syndrome. She lets him get away because she’s ok with his behaviour and wants him to change. She should have left than tolerating for so long.

 

Edit* Take home message: what you see is what you get from people. Don’t believe in words, look at their actions. Tolerating won’t make you a better person or make them change because they see your kindness, often it makes you vulnerable from future exploitative behaviours. Shocking, eh? Too many silly “he will change to Prince Charming if I stick around and show him how amazing I am” fairy tale stories being fed to us.

[Batya33]

"Too many silly “he will change to Prince Charming if I stick around and show him how amazing I am” fairy tale stories being fed to us."

 

I'm glad you've come to these insights but the quote above - I am baffled. First who cares what people attempt -attempt -to "feed" to us and I really don't feel that there are those messages to the extent you emphasize. 50 Shade (which I have not seen or read) is a movie. My suggestion -read Eat Pray Love -it's not perfect but it's inspiring. Read Wild by Cheryl Strayed and Katherine Graham's memoir. Just to name a few of many.

 

I don't think most men want to 'suck you in" to an "agenda" that you say is sex. I think your picker is off because you're not treating yourself with respect. I think it's essential that you genuinely like being around men, that you have male friends, that you don't indulge in painting men with this negative stereotypical brush . Every man I was seriously involved with had no nefarious agenda. When it came to sex they wanted to wait until I was comfortable and were fine doing so. They had the same values I did about waiting. And when they didn't that was ok and nothing wrong with different values other than we were not compatible for the long term.

 

You are not powerless of course. And it's a turn off to any normal person if you come across that way. And of course you shouldn't believe blindly what a stranger tells you -whether man or woman and whether it's in dating or in your professional life etc. No need to be cynical, just watch the feet -what he does, more than the lips -what he says. Trust to the extent that you respect yourself, your boundaries, your standards, your goals.

 

Again I am delighted you were flexible enough to listen to the opinions here.