Am I asking too much?

My bf lost his job about a month ago. I have stepped up to help cover most of his expenses. Even if it put me in a tight spot financially, because that's what I feel you do in these hard times.

Well earlier this week he said that he wanted to have a weekend to focus on some things but never went into detail. Which I found odd, it turns out he posted on one of his accounts and he was in another state hanging with friends. I had not heard from him much because I thought he was trying to get some side jobs lined up or some of his art up for sale etc. I just let him do his thing but my friend mentioned that he checked into a restaurant in another state and multiple times and photos (I don't have social media myself).

He never told me this, I was told he would be home regrouping/work. It was upsetting because I thought we were on frugal path until he got a job again. I own a home and have my own stuff too, so I just didn't understand.

So back to the story, he didn't reach out out all weekend and today I just got a text saying "did we figure out the money for this bill." No hello, no how are you, checking in... just essentially the status of $200. I was very upset at this point. Like did you spend what money you did have on drinking etc. as posted. He doesn't know that I know about him going out of town without sharing. But my main thing was..if you need time away I have never stopped him - everyone needs their space etc why lie? Also can I get a hello? Not just asked for more money (I gave him 230 last week) I am starting to feel taken for granted.

Anyway I responded with "hello, I believe I can after my bills and side note it's nice to open with a greeting when you haven't spoken to someone in a while." Granted I realize that is a bit snippy but I was hurt. He then proceeded to tell me that because he didn't ask the way that I wanted should not be an issue and next time he won't ask me for help and loss faith in me.

I replied that it's just a nice thing to do, respectful etc. Needless to say I ended up being the bad guy (common result) for saying this.

But I have covered a lot of his expenses prior to the job loss. Am I wrong for expecting manners from my significant other, especially when he wants a couple hundred dollars? Nevermind him lying about going out of town to which he kept trying to say he was home stressed and working.

Help. Any advice is helpful. Sorry for the long rant. Ugh. We have been together roughly two years. Thank you.

How old is he? Why has it been a month and he has time for weekend getaways and lies to you about it? You never start allowing yourself to be someone's cash cow/meal ticket while they are off partying/lying. This should be a deal breaker.

Stop being a martyr and end this asap. Don't be this desperate.

This is a horrible philosophy unless you are married and living as a family unit:

My bf lost his job about a month ago. I have stepped up to help cover most of his expenses. Even if it put me in a tight spot financially, because that's what I feel you do in these hard times. ...lying about going out of town to which he kept trying to say he was home stressed and working.

I also get the sense that you are being taken advantage of.

He goes away for a weekend and doesn't tell you and then the first thing that he says to you is "did we figure out the money for this bill."

I just get the sense that he is using you, and you have become an easy way to get some extra money.

I think that squabbling over getting a 'hello' before he asked for the cash is overlooking the point. It seems as though this is not a partnership with equal input into the financial foundations of both your lives, but more like you are a bank and he speaks to you to withdraw cash.

Two years is some time in a relationship, but I still think it is important to keep your finances separate.

You can do so much better!

Stop supporting this deadweight. He's totally using you.

You are missing the big picture. He is out of work, yet out with friends in another city spending YOUR money!!! Unbelievable.

I do not understand why you are supporting him? You are not his mother. Do not give him any more money.

You are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. It does not sound like he values or respects you. You are demonstrating doormat behavior: giving him money, concerned with no hello, not the fact that he is being careless with money, not telling you about his weekend away with YOUR money..

I just read that you have been supporting him all along. He is using you. Have more respect for yourself and find someone you do not have to care for like a child. He is a loser!!!

You treat him like a child, he treats you like mommy ATM.

The idea of helping each other out in tough times is all good and well when you are married. This is a case where you are not on a strict budget together, only you are on a strict budget because you are covering your bills and his. You have your bills to pay and he has his. Whether he pays them or not, is up to him and on him. There is no financial "we" when you are dating. On top of that, why should he rush to get a job when you are there to pay and pay?

Stop arguing about whether or not he said hello before demanding money and address the real issues at hand - he is using you, taking you for granted, goes off to party and lies to you about it. Other people actually have to tell you what he is doing because you yourself won't look. How embarrassing. OP, you better open your eyes and start paying attention and I think you have some hard decisions to make. In the end, people treat you how you allow.

I have stepped up to help cover most of his expenses. Even if it put me in a tight spot financially, because that's what I feel you do in these hard times. .

I know your intentions were good and altruistic, but this was a horrible idea.

The reason that married people do this is because legally there IS no difference between your bills and my bills. Legally you are one entity and all the bills are your bills.

When you are only partners (no matter how committed), supporting them should take the form of listening to their troubles, helping them brainstorm creative solutions, and sure, giving (not lending) them some money as a gift in amounts that you are comfortable never seeing again and have no expectations about. From a cold, pure financial standpoint, it does not make sense to share in someone’s liabilities but not share in their assets.

It does not sound like this money from you was a gift. It had major strings attached. As a result of the gift, you expect him to act in certain ways (how you would act).

Most unemployed people don’t spend 24/7 looking for a job. They do visit friends. They do sometimes go to a restaurant. Maybe as a married couple he would have consulted you about these things as a financial unit...but you are not married. So... does the acceptance of help “marry” him to you? Did he know that? This kind of puts you in a “parent” position (rather than a partner position equally sharing in ALL assets and liabilities) where you get to decide what he can and can’t do with his money and time.

I just wanted to say all of the above to illustrate how a kind and thoughtful gesture can unintentionally become an unkind and controlling gesture.

... but at the end of the day, yes, I think you should break up with him. Why do your friends have to tell you about his weekend away? Why are you not on his social media? Why wouldn’t he tell you he was going away? And yeah, I think he’s using you. I’m sure he knows how you feel about him and it’s unethical of him to take as much as he’s taking if he doesn’t feel as committed as you.

You are being taken advantage of and being used by this guy who ought to be out looking for work, not partying it up on your money with his pals.

Perhaps the title of this this should be "is he asking too much and am I doing too much?"

Perhaps the title of this this should be "is he asking too much and am I doing too much?"

That's a definite yes!

He then proceeded to tell me that because he didn't ask the way that I wanted should not be an issue and next time he won't ask me for help and loss faith in me.

What a spoilt, entitled, manipulative little boy! It's as if he's doing you a favour by scrounging off you, lying to you and spending your money with his mates!

Whatever you do, don't give him any more money or pay his expenses - and you'll probably find he gets a job soon enough when he realises that "mummy" isn't there to be used and drained dry.

The whole notion of 'expectations' is an interesting one, though. In 12-Step Programs there is a saying 'Expectations are premeditated resentments', meaning (amongst other things) that we will get resentful when the outcome of a particularly scenario falls below our expectations, including when the expectations are not based at all on reality. So, from what you've told us about this guy is that he'll take money from you, lie to you and use you to finance his fun time away with no word of appreciation. That's what you can reasonably expect from him - and anything better than that IS too much to ask for from him.

You also mention that you end up being the bad guy when you insist on common courtesy. In healthy relationships, respect and caring happen quite naturally and you don't need to force the issue. However, that's not going to happen with him.

If you're not ready to end the relationship, at least be ready to end your caretaking behaviours on his behalf, and start looking after yourself instead. Unless you're happy about giving him substantial sums of money for which you receive no appreciation or acknowledgement, then you need to stop.

You will find out very, very quickly whether he has any meaningful commitment to you and the relationship....

OP, what are you going to do?

OP, what are you going to do?

@Hollyj that is a very good question. First I want to thank you for your insight, it can be hard to see everything when you are "in it" so to speak. I also want to thank @wiseman2 @Chai @Honeycomb8 @DancingFool @RedDress @melancholy123 @nutbrownhare as well

As of now I have not given him the money and I do not plan to. After our conversation yesterday night, I am truly just...I am not even sure how to describe how I feel.

My good friend had mentioned that he seems to fight dirty and it is really coming to light because he does. There have been many times that he will just say "I am done talking" and shut things down when I try to speak my concerns. Of course there are two sides to every story and I do not think that I am an angel by any means, I am human and make mistakes too. So I have no doubt that we both could have handled this differently. With that being said, I do not think that asking for basic respect is too much. But I hold that to everyone or try my best to because I do try to treat people with respect and kindness no matter what. I also try my best to live by the be careful what you say because once it is out, you cannot take it back. As you can probably assume, I am very patient and sadly to a fault here.

I have never asked or expected the money back so the loan thing does not apply. I know expectations can bite you in the butt at times but is really wanting basic decency a lot to ask? He tried to say that he did not use niceties because he" woke up in a panic" about this bill. When in his initial text he said it was because the other renter of the space asked for an update. He then proceeded that "I never even took into account that he had not slept but 3 hours the entire weekend." Of course that was not said before either. I just asked him to be kinder to me, someone who has been there and to never say that he has "lost faith in me" when I have never given him a reason to think so because I obviously let this go on longer than I should have. I will now own up to that but as you can see, he does fight dirty and never apologizes, even when he is first to yell, curse and give me the silent treatment. It is hard to see manipulation right away but sadly I think I have to admit it now.

Once I stood my ground and said that being kind should not have to be asked for, as @nutbrownhare mentioned it should be natural. I asked that he think about some of the things he said because they were cold or hurtful he followed up with "no. I am demonized and will not have it. You need to think about what you have said and how you said things too and not think of the worst case scenario. I think we need to have a talk soon." The worst case scenario part still confuses me, I don't understand it, perhaps its his guilt.

He has to have the final say typically so, I just left the night with that. It is upsetting and I am hurt and its sad that I feel that I have to ask for kindness. I just thought that was normal, perhaps I am wrong.

I have social media by personal preference. My friend that I said mentioned the trip to me is a mutual friend and she saw it and mentioned that it looked like he was having a good time...... it just turned out that I did not know about it. It just unfolded, she thought I knew...because logically, why wouldn't I? He also in his late 20s.

Anyway, I know this has been a jumbled mess. I am all over the place and still trying to process all of this. As of now, I think we are taking a minute before anything else. I know it may seem that I do not have a lot of self worth and from reading some if this, maybe that is true but I do have enough respect for myself to at least be treated with decency. I still don't think that is too much to ask. I guess I was manipulated for too long? If that is even the right word? I am not even sure.

Thank you all again, I am trying to stay strong and while it seems like an easy fix - it is not easy because damn feelings haha. But in the end, there will have to be some serious decisions as mentioned but I will say, my pocket is closed until we figure out the rest.

I do not ****have social media by choice sorry!

I do not ****have social media by choice sorry!

I don't either.

"But I have covered a lot of his expenses prior to the job loss. "

This will stop, too?

@Hollyj that is a very good question. First I want to thank you for your insight, it can be hard to see everything when you are "in it" so to speak. I also want to thank @wiseman2 @Chai @Honeycomb8 @DancingFool @RedDress @melancholy123 @nutbrownhare as well

 

As of now I have not given him the money and I do not plan to. After our conversation yesterday night, I am truly just...I am not even sure how to describe how I feel.

 

My good friend had mentioned that he seems to fight dirty and it is really coming to light because he does. There have been many times that he will just say "I am done talking" and shut things down when I try to speak my concerns. Of course there are two sides to every story and I do not think that I am an angel by any means, I am human and make mistakes too. So I have no doubt that we both could have handled this differently. With that being said, I do not think that asking for basic respect is too much. But I hold that to everyone or try my best to because I do try to treat people with respect and kindness no matter what. I also try my best to live by the be careful what you say because once it is out, you cannot take it back. As you can probably assume, I am very patient and sadly to a fault here.

 

I have never asked or expected the money back so the loan thing does not apply. I know expectations can bite you in the butt at times but is really wanting basic decency a lot to ask? He tried to say that he did not use niceties because he" woke up in a panic" about this bill. When in his initial text he said it was because the other renter of the space asked for an update. He then proceeded that "I never even took into account that he had not slept but 3 hours the entire weekend." Of course that was not said before either. I just asked him to be kinder to me, someone who has been there and to never say that he has "lost faith in me" when I have never given him a reason to think so because I obviously let this go on longer than I should have. I will now own up to that but as you can see, he does fight dirty and never apologizes, even when he is first to yell, curse and give me the silent treatment. It is hard to see manipulation right away but sadly I think I have to admit it now.

 

Once I stood my ground and said that being kind should not have to be asked for, as @nutbrownhare mentioned it should be natural. I asked that he think about some of the things he said because they were cold or hurtful he followed up with "no. I am demonized and will not have it. You need to think about what you have said and how you said things too and not think of the worst case scenario. I think we need to have a talk soon." The worst case scenario part still confuses me, I don't understand it, perhaps its his guilt.

 

He has to have the final say typically so, I just left the night with that. It is upsetting and I am hurt and its sad that I feel that I have to ask for kindness. I just thought that was normal, perhaps I am wrong.

 

I have social media by personal preference. My friend that I said mentioned the trip to me is a mutual friend and she saw it and mentioned that it looked like he was having a good time...... it just turned out that I did not know about it. It just unfolded, she thought I knew...because logically, why wouldn't I? He also in his late 20s.

 

Anyway, I know this has been a jumbled mess. I am all over the place and still trying to process all of this. As of now, I think we are taking a minute before anything else. I know it may seem that I do not have a lot of self worth and from reading some if this, maybe that is true but I do have enough respect for myself to at least be treated with decency. I still don't think that is too much to ask. I guess I was manipulated for too long? If that is even the right word? I am not even sure.

 

Thank you all again, I am trying to stay strong and while it seems like an easy fix - it is not easy because damn feelings haha. But in the end, there will have to be some serious decisions as mentioned but I will say, my pocket is closed until we figure out the rest.

 

Re the bold. You are focusing on the tiny mouse in the corner while the elephant in the room is slowly suffocating you. Youre a sugar mama kitkat. And I think deep down you know it. The dynamic as someone else pointed out is very much that of a mother and child, and youre expecting 'basic respect' not because thats what a boyfriend does, you to dont have a typical relationship so why would the standard be typical, youre expecting him to act a certain way because well, you control the purse strings.

 

"how dare he not say good morning before he asks me to pay his bill?'

 

At the core of it, that is your question. Because for whatever reason everything else is normal to you.

 

Until youre ready to stop this cycle this is how he will treat you, this is how ungrateful children act when they want money from their parents.

 

For whatever reason this is the relationship youve chosen to be in, whether it be low self esteem, abandonment issues, or this guy is out of your league and youre buying his love. I dont know the whole story but, while this is your normal, this isnt normal, not by a long shot. You deserve a full relationship and you dont have one, you dont even have a relatioship, this is glorified bartering. Youre exchanging love for money and he isnt keeping his end of the deal.

But accepting shabby treatment, being his cash cow is not asking for respect.😱 Not everyone is butterflies and rainbows. People like your bf can and do use people who let them like doormats.👿 People take advantage of people all the time.

If you want to be a kind, good person...volunteer. But dressing up poor self esteem as altruism is a mistake you'll pay for in many ways including broken hearts, poor self respect, poor well being and poor finances.📉 Hiding behind philosophy is also not wisdom at all when you are blind to the truth.

I do not think that asking for basic respect is too much. But I hold that to everyone or try my best to because I do try to treat people with respect and kindness no matter what.

But accepting shabby treatment, being his cash cow is not asking for respect.😱 Not everyone is butterflies and rainbows. People like your bf can and do use people who let them like doormats.👿 People take advantage of people all the time.

 

If you want to be a kind, good person...volunteer. But dressing up poor self esteem as altruism is a mistake you'll pay for in many ways including broken hearts, poor self respect, poor well being and poor finances.📉 Hiding behind philosophy is also not wisdom at all when you are blind to the truth.

Wise words.

Do you know what they call a man who takes money from a woman. A bum! Stop paying his bills and kick his ass out!

🤑 A gigolo?...

Do you know what they call a man who takes money from a woman.

OP, your relationship is already over. He just hasn't broken up with you yet because he needs your money.

What boyfriend skips town (nay, skips state) for an entire weekend and lies about it to his girlfriend of 2 years? A guy who really doesn't give a crap about the relationship anymore. That's why he doesn't bother with basic respect when he demands a withdrawal from the Bank of KitKat- he is so long gone from this.

It's time to break up, OP. You have a dishonest, manipulative, freeloading weasel as a boyfriend. I guarantee when you close the bank, he won't come knocking anymore anyway.

Well earlier this week he said that he wanted to have a weekend to focus on some things but never went into detail. Which I found odd, it turns out he posted on one of his accounts and he was in another state hanging with friends. I had not heard from him much because I thought he was trying to get some side jobs lined up or some of his art up for sale etc.

Why are people saying he's lying? He told you he was using the weekend to do other things. He didn't to into detail. Why? Did you ask him for details? Did he assume you didn't want or need them? Did you expect him to read your mind? The both of you didn't communicate, you made assumptions. Did he?

Just a thought. Instead of relying on your friends with social media, and a bunch of Internet strangers(some very judgemental) to find out what happened, try sitting down with your partner and have an adult open conversation. Talk about what was expected. What actually happened and why.

He's out of work. He might be very ashamed and very embarrassed. He may have been networking with friends. He may have thought you knew that, and were O.K. with that. Yup, I'm speculating. The only real person who knows what is going on is your BF.

My gf texts me all the time without saying hello. That's just texting. I don't think she disrespects me, or is being rude. It's the nature of texting. It can come across as cold and impersonal. Then you accuse him of x, y and z.

Sit down and have a chat before throwing him out. So far you, your friends, and the Internet against him. Give him a fair shot to respond.

I hav more to offer. I drive a BMW and make a high hourly wage. I’m a racist but not as racist as Trump.

If you are driving a BMW, then you do not make an hourly wage.

Where are the clever trolls.

Why are people saying he's lying? He told you he was using the weekend to do other things. He didn't to into detail. Why? Did you ask him for details? Did he assume you didn't want or need them? Did you expect him to read your mind? The both of you didn't communicate, you made assumptions. Did he?

 

Just a thought. Instead of relying on your friends with social media, and a bunch of Internet strangers(some very judgemental) to find out what happened, try sitting down with your partner and have an adult open conversation. Talk about what was expected. What actually happened and why.

 

He's out of work. He might be very ashamed and very embarrassed. He may have been networking with friends. He may have thought you knew that, and were O.K. with that. Yup, I'm speculating. The only real person who knows what is going on is your BF.

 

My gf texts me all the time without saying hello. That's just texting. I don't think she disrespects me, or is being rude. It's the nature of texting. It can come across as cold and impersonal. Then you accuse him of x, y and z.

 

Sit down and have a chat before throwing him out. So far you, your friends, and the Internet against him. Give him a fair shot to respond.

Yeah, so ashamed that he was asking her for more money. She has been this dude's cash cow from the start.

He didn't tell her because he knew that she wouldn't be happy that he was spending her cash on partying. he doesn't need to go out of state with his friends for networking.

This is what he communicated " I was told he would be home regrouping/work." He was lying. He is a leech!