Do you mind your partner watching porn? Please help!

Hey guys, I’m in a pickle here and this might be long but I need help.

I was talking to my boyfriend one day and we were discussing someone we know who cheated on their girlfriend. We were saying what we considered cheating and I had mentioned that I don’t believe it’s cheating, but watching porn in a relationship, for me, is wrong. I mean you have the person you love and find attractive no matter what at your finger tips every day. They should be the only person on your mind, the only person who gets you excited and gets your heart racing. Anyways he agreed that yes, if I intentionally looked at another naked human being for the point of pleasure, especially if it’s “just because” then he’d consider me cheating.

A few months later I found out for the first time that he was watching it. Right next to me in bed when he thought I was asleep. Instead I was crying silently into my pillow thinking of how to take this up with my boyfriend who has major anger issues. I turn around and ask what he’s doing and he immediately turns his phone off and tell me nothing, then tries to kiss me and distract me. Didn’t work and I got it out of him. Told me he “wasn’t getting off to it, I was thinking of you, of us but in that position”. Suuure okay. He yelled and accused me of controlling his life, then said sorry and promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Second time was last night. Knocked on the bathroom door for my hair brush and what is he doing? Spewing excuses. Ask him to prove he wasn’t doing anything so he opens his phone, deleted the incognito tabs then goes to Facebook messenger as if I can’t see any of it happening. Tell me a co worker sent him this GIF and 2 links and he was “curious as to what they were” but he knew full well what they were or he wouldn’t have deliberately opened them in incognito, wouldn’t have evidence that he’s enjoying what he sees and he wouldn’t have lied about it. But here we are.

First time I told him that it truly triggered my eating disorder. I’ve had issues for years and I hate my body. He’s the only person who made me feel like I looked amazing and now he makes me feel gross. I’ve told him this so he 100% understood. At least I thought he did. We don’t have sex as often. I ask him all the time and he will say “yes tonight” then he tells me he’s too tired, when in reality he just did his own personal business in the bathroom mere minutes ago. And I told him if he did it again, I don’t know if I could handle that mental and emotional struggle especially since he’s there telling me all he needs is me, I’m enough, he doesn’t need porn, and turns around and watched it anyways. He’s lied about a few things before so I’m having issues believing him now that he loves me and that he would never cheat on me. He’s been cheated on but I mean, if he thinks he can easily lie about smoking multiple times, lied about talking to his ex, lied about his whereabouts when out with a druggy slurry co-worker, and now lied about porn, then he can lie to me about cheating on me. I don’t know what to do with myself, the relationship. Nothing.

You both have some work to do before being in a relationship. You can’t rely on him for self confidence and you said he has anger issues.

When you were a little girl did you dream of being in a relationship with a liar who has anger issues?

He will "change" only if he wants to. Apparently he doesn't want to. So, you have all the power in the world to leave him.

And "but I LOVE him!!!!" doesn't make the situation different or any better.

More men then not watch porn. Even if he was getting it with you 7 days a week, he would likely still watch and masturbate to it. It has nothing do do with you or not being attracted to you. He's been masturbating likely since he was 12 or younger and he just uses the visual to stimulate so don't take it personally.

That being said: You have so many negative vibes aimed at him that I'm surprised you haven't left him yet? What keeps you there? If its love then you're learning that it takes a lot more then a feeling to keep a relationship together and healthy.

Are you getting help for your self-esteem and body hatred? If you're not, I think it would benefit you greatly to find an unbiased professional to help you hone the mental tools you need to boost your confidence. It would also take the responsibility off of your partner (who ever that ends up being) to be the sole reason you feel good about yourself.

I think this is kind of silly. Cheating is cheating. Watching porn is not cheating. And maybe in a fairy tale universe "only the person you are with excites you" but this just isn't the reality. People in relationships can still find other people hot and even check other people out. That doesn't mean they are cheating. Thinking this will only invite a universe of pain and insecurity on you. Guys watch porn.

The bigger issue is your sex life. If he doesn't want to have sex with you then there's something you guys need to discuss. Take charge of the situation. I doubt he's going to just push you off of him. But if that's truly the case, you need to talk to him. But it sounds like you should probably get out of the relationship in my opinion.

But seriously. Let the porn thing go. I think that's petty. First, you shouldn't even ask if a guy watches porn. You're either going to get lied to or not like the answer. It's a lose/lose situation. It's normal and most guys do it. Being in a relationship doesn't mean relinquishing all privacy. People need it, and you need to respect it. But if him watching porn triggers your body image issues, then you need to work on that before being in a relationship. There are beautiful girls all over the map and your boyfriend will notice them. All guys will notice them. Doesn't mean they're going to do anything with him.

But you're using this "Lie" to leverage your argument about bigger insecurities you have. Don't do that. The porn thing was not a lie. You invaded his privacy by asking him that and he lied because it would cause an issue with you.

My ex was terrible for porn. He used to not only watch it next to me, but download pictures and save them to his phone so if ever we were going through pictures I'd see.. yet it was always 'oh I didn't know they were there'. And they were always with good bodies and massive breasts, (I have an ok body but barley any breast) so if really are at my self confidence, so much I started saving for a breast augmentation!

He lied about it, he lied about a lot of things.. and as many times as he said he'd change he never so that's why he's an ex now.. sometimes enough is enough. Once a liar always a liar in my eyes.. now I'm with someone who is honest, and so much more loving.. what I'm trying to say is don't stay in a relationship where you have to second guess someone's every word, it's not healthy, being a lone a while wouldn't be such a bad thing, or you could find someone who treats you so much better! I hope this helps.. good luck x

How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? It would be best to move out. You don't trust him, he lies and has anger issues. Don't date losers, expect them to heal your self esteem and change into amazing princes like a fairy tale. You need help with eating and image disorders, that you, not anyone else is responsible for treating. Get to a doctor for a checkup and get a referral for ongoing therapy.

He yelled and accused me of controlling his life

I told him that it truly triggered my eating disorder. I’ve had issues for years and I hate my body.

he thinks he can easily lie about smoking multiple times, lied about talking to his ex, lied about his whereabouts when out with a druggy slurry co-worker, and now lied about porn

Do you mind your partner watching porn?

No. I watch porn too. Women watch porn too; women masturbate too and if they don't they should. I don't watch porn because I'm drooling over their bodies or want to be with the pornstars, I don't think men watch it because of that either. Sure there are people who might do that, but I think the majority doesn't. But if you consider it cheating, you should either find someone who really agrees, but that will be hard, or better yet, work on it and get over it, it's not personal.

As you've already been told, the problems in your relationship are way beyond watching porn. The lies are the worse, only to be enhanced with the fact that you guys don't have sex.

Why are you with a liar?

There are a lot of problems to unpack here. Asking others if they're okay with their men watching porn is rather pointless since you are clearly not okay with it. For what it's worth - no, I don't care if my partner watches it. But I'm not you and can't tell you to be fine with it.

In my perspective, watching porn is rarely remotely connected to how men feel about their partners, in that sense that I believe that most men don't watch porn because they think their own woman isn't pretty or sexy enough. However, porn addiction is another issue altogether. If someone (man or woman) prefers porn to sex with their partners, there's obviously a problem. My guess is that's the real concern for you here, since you say he turns you down for sex. I can't say he's addicted to it based on what you wrote here, but I can understand you're worried about the lack of sexual intimacy between you two in general. That usually does indicate a deeper disconnect.

However, I have to wonder why you stay with someone you describe as such a habitual liar with serious anger issues. What's the attraction there? And what sort of anger problems are we talking?

Also, I think you need to take better care of your own emotional and physical health. He can't be held accountable for your eating disorder, though I understand why this is triggering for you. That is something you need to address, independently of his status in your life. Are you currently being treated? If you know he is a toxic influence on you and your health, you need to stay away from him, OP.

You’re going to tell me I invaded his privacy when he sat inches from me in bed doing so, which not only creates noise (although quiet) it also creates movement and if YOU wouldnt turn around and ask your partner what they are doing, then good for you. But I on the otherhand had to wake up at 4am and hes doing this at midnight so of course im going to turn sround and demand he tell me what he was doing keeping me up late, when a few hours ago he rejected me for sex. So no, no privacy was invaded. As for the bathroom, well he left it unlcoked and we never knock. I just so happened to knock that day but even if I didn’t he set himself up for getting caught.

You’re going to tell me I invaded his privacy when he sat inches from me in bed doing so, which not only creates noise (although quiet) it also creates movement and if YOU wouldnt turn around and ask your partner what they are doing, then good for you. But I on the otherhand had to wake up at 4am and hes doing this at midnight so of course im going to turn sround and demand he tell me what he was doing keeping me up late, when a few hours ago he rejected me for sex. So no, no privacy was invaded. As for the bathroom, well he left it unlcoked and we never knock. I just so happened to knock that day but even if I didn’t he set himself up for getting caught.

You said you were too afraid of your boyfriend and how to bring up the porn because he has an anger problem.

If you can't communicate with your SO because of their anger issues then you have made a pretty piss poor choice of a partner.

Also, porn isn't causing him to masturbate next you, or deny you sex, or to lie. He is doing those things.

I watch porn. But I would never disrespect my SO by doing any of those things.

Totally forget about his porn habit, even then, why are you with this POS?

It's easier for you to focus on the porn than it is to seriously ask yourself why you stay with a habitual liar with anger issues...isn't it?

In my perspective, watching porn is rarely remotely connected to how men feel about their partners, in that sense that I believe that most men don't watch porn because they think their own woman isn't pretty or sexy enough.

I ask what others think of it because I want to see it from different points of view and your whole reply is what I was looking for. You were honest, have your opinion, have advice, and although you questioned why I am with him, you didn’t call me silly. You gave me a reply that actually helped. Thank you.

You’re going to tell me I invaded his privacy when he sat inches from me in bed doing so, which not only creates noise (although quiet) it also creates movement and if YOU wouldnt turn around and ask your partner what they are doing, then good for you. But I on the otherhand had to wake up at 4am and hes doing this at midnight so of course im going to turn sround and demand he tell me what he was doing keeping me up late, when a few hours ago he rejected me for sex. So no, no privacy was invaded. As for the bathroom, well he left it unlcoked and we never knock. I just so happened to knock that day but even if I didn’t he set himself up for getting caught.

I have a feeling that it isn't him with anger issues. It's you. If you were afraid of his anger issues, you're not going to be suspicious of him and poke at him to prove to you he wasn't doing what you think he was.

Do you mind your partner watching porn? Please help!

Not as long he doesn't do it around me. I find it as obnoxious as fake wrestling. To each his own.

You deserve someone who only has eyes for you. Porn is usually seen as normal in the sexual developmental period of adolescense which is 12 to 16 after that there is something wrong. Watching porn is not normal eventhough society seeks to normalize it. I think you need someone more mature that wants a real person instead of a made up fantasy recorded on a phone. Someone who gets happy and exited when they think of you. You don't need to be in a relationship where a guy makes you compete with a screen and his own hand. You are better than that, just think about what you deserve and need right now. And you shouldnt have to keep tabs on him like you were his mom. That shouldn't be a worry in a relationship. Ever.

No. This is invading his privacy " Ask him to prove he wasn’t doing anything so he opens his phone, deleted the incognito tabs then goes to Facebook messenger as if I can’t see any of it happening. He's in the bathroom, you don't need to ask him what he's doing. Let alone PROVE to you that he's not doing anything. That's ridiculous.

 

I have a feeling that it isn't him with anger issues. It's you. If you were afraid of his anger issues, you're not going to be suspicious of him and poke at him to prove to you he wasn't doing what you think he was.

Hi there. He in fact does have anger issues. His mother tried gettng him help when he was a kid but nothing helped. He has been tol by professionals that he does and he has promised me multiple times that he would het help so dont go around accusing me of being the root of this issue.

And again, he left the door opened. We have rules in this house and we also have inderstandings. One of which (that I already mentioned but thats okay you must not know how to read well) is that if the door is left opened, its safe to assume the other isnt taking a dump or what have you. And he follows this too. If hes taking a dump he will lock the door. Any other time he doesnt. I didnt have to knock, but i did. And the door was opened so i opened it. If he wanted true, real privacy hed have locked the door or heck if he really wanted to hide if, wait for me to leave. Please get off my thread if youre not going to help at all, rather accuse me of being the peoblem. I am afraid of his anger issues. But he also tells me every day “be honest with me. If youre upset tell me. You can tell me anythng” blah blah blah. And stupid me believes “maybe this time he wont rrt angry because im doing what he says and being honest” but yet again he gets angry. Like the kind of angry he gets when his toast is burnt. Why ? BECAUSE HE HAD ANGER ISSUES. Bye now.

Edit: saw you mentioned i was also invading privacy when asking for his phone. I never touch his phone without permission. And when i do touch if, he unlocks it and clicks the app im looking for. On the other hand, he will touch my phone while im in the next room WITHOUT my permission. I do not break his privacy ever. But if i think hes doing something he promised me he wouldnt do, yeah im going to ask him to show me because this is our relationship and no one wants to lose someone over anything, let alone porn. So please, don't assume based on the fact i asked to see his phone. You dont know the behind the scenes.

He's an abuser and you already know that. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? It would be best to move out. You don't trust him, he lies and has anger issues. Don't date losers, expect them to heal your self esteem and change into amazing princes like a fairy tale. You need help with eating and image disorders, that you, not anyone else is responsible for treating. Get to a doctor for a checkup and get a referral for ongoing therapy.

He in fact does have anger issues. I am afraid of his anger issues. stupid me believes “maybe this time he wont rrt angry because im doing what he says and being honest” but yet again he gets angry. Like the kind of angry he gets when his toast is burnt. Why ? BECAUSE HE HAD ANGER ISSUES.

Hi there. He in fact does have anger issues. His mother tried gettng him help when he was a kid but nothing helped. He has been tol by professionals that he does and he has promised me multiple times that he would het help so dont go around accusing me of being the root of this issue.

 

And again, he left the door opened. We have rules in this house and we also have inderstandings. One of which (that I already mentioned but thats okay you must not know how to read well) is that if the door is left opened, its safe to assume the other isnt taking a dump or what have you. And he follows this too. If hes taking a dump he will lock the door. Any other time he doesnt. I didnt have to knock, but i did. And the door was opened so i opened it. If he wanted true, real privacy hed have locked the door or heck if he really wanted to hide if, wait for me to leave. Please get off my thread if youre not going to help at all, rather accuse me of being the peoblem. I am afraid of his anger issues. But he also tells me every day “be honest with me. If youre upset tell me. You can tell me anythng” blah blah blah. And stupid me believes “maybe this time he wont rrt angry because im doing what he says and being honest” but yet again he gets angry. Like the kind of angry he gets when his toast is burnt. Why ? BECAUSE HE HAD ANGER ISSUES. Bye now.

Who cares about porn when your afraid to talk...

He's an abuser and you already know that. How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? It would be best to move out. You don't trust him, he lies and has anger issues. Don't date losers, expect them to heal your self esteem and change into amazing princes like a fairy tale. You need help with eating and image disorders, that you, not anyone else is responsible for treating. Get to a doctor for a checkup and get a referral for ongoing therapy.

Hi there ! Ive been trying to get help. But places are expensive and accounts are in negatives. Even with a doctor referral its too much. Been trying to find chesp places. Because im trying to fix my issue.

We have been dating 2 and a half years. Lived together the past 6-7 months. Known each other for a very very long time. He says he lies to protect me, because he knows the things he lies about will hurt me and he knows its wrong but when he does it, he feels terrible so not only is he making sure I dont break down, but hes also preventing any sort of hatred towards him for what he does. Which ive told him before, if you find youself craving a cigarette, tell me ill help. If you find youself losing interest in our sex life tell me (and i told him this before i knew about porn, because im more understanding than he thinks, it doesnt seem like it though since he hides everything) Like come on if he just told me “hey i still watch porn, is that cool” id have been a lot more flexible here. Sure i dont like him looking at others but maybe we could have tried watching it together. But instead he hides it and tells me he wasnt doing it.

If you are scared to talk to him how can you have a relationship?

 

Who cares about porn when your afraid to talk...

Because Im a very shy person and i hate people being mad at me. I gew up in a slightly abusive home so every move i made was calculated. With my boyfriend i felt the oposite. I felt like i could do and say anything and he wouldnt yell or hit me. And he doesnt hit me. But he does yell. And at first i didnt care. I lived with yelling for years. But what i do care about is how he seems more angry the past 3 months and will literally have my head for not putting the cutlery in the same spot it was 3 days ago. Hes only been like this recently even though the anger issues are a problem from the past. Hes nust been extra angry. And it could be his job. It could be our money problems. Either way he has no right taking it out on me. Anyways im still with him because yeah i love him but i also think if he tried to get help he could change. I just want him to be open with me. Theres no reason to hide things from me. It may seem like he had to hide stuff now, but to be fair he lied enough times for me not to be so understanding about things.

Because Im a very shy person and i hate people being mad at me. I gew up in a slightly abusive home so every move i made was calculated. With my boyfriend i felt the oposite. I felt like i could do and say anything and he wouldnt yell or hit me. And he doesnt hit me. But he does yell. And at first i didnt care. I lived with yelling for years. But what i do care about is how he seems more angry the past 3 months and will literally have my head for not putting the cutlery in the same spot it was 3 days ago. Hes only been like this recently even though the anger issues are a problem from the past. Hes nust been extra angry. And it could be his job. It could be our money problems. Either way he has no right taking it out on me. Anyways im still with him because yeah i love him but i also think if he tried to get help he could change. I just want him to be open with me. Theres no reason to hide things from me. It may seem like he had to hide stuff now, but to be fair he lied enough times for me not to be so understanding about things.

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this, I've been with a guy with anger issues. I couldn't handle it anymore. Although I didn't have a physical abusive family, there was a lot of yelling. It didn't last with that guy, thankfully. I went to a therapist to figure things out at the time (he was supposed to come to, but bailed...pff) and she told me that anger issues are more of a characteristic than a mental, curable illness or something. Meaning, it's hard to overcome I guess and more likely to stick around for life. You should go to one yourself , being in a harmful relationship like this is not and will not make you happy.

It's been about 4-5 years since I dated the anger guy and we were only together for 1,5 years, still I'm afraid of cuddling men while they're sleeping in fear they will get mad at me just like he did and start yelling with a look that stenched of "murder".

It's not the porn that's the main issue. Yes, it is an issue, but what matters most here is that he is lying and he has done it several times now.

Where there is no trust and no honesty, there is nothing.

He lies to you for power and control, not to "protect you", but you already know that. Porn is the least of your problems because lies are like cockroaches, whatever you see, there's 1000s more you don't see.

Mental abuse only escalates. It Never, Never gets better. He's enjoying the power and watching you squirm and hurt. It makes him happy and feeds his ego that he can do this and you stay with him.. Read up on abusive relationships, he has all the marking of this from your description. Do not stay with him because you feel broken and think you have to put up with anger, lies and abuse.

He says he lies to protect me, because he knows the things he lies about will hurt me and he knows its wrong but when he does it, he feels terrible so not only is he making sure I dont break down, but hes also preventing any sort of hatred towards him for what he does

People can change but on!y if THEY want to. Not because WE want them to.

He yells and you stay and even tell him you love him. Where's the motivation to "change"?