Husband acted inappropriately towards my best friend... What do I do?

Hi everyone, I've got a bit of a complicated situation that I need some advice about. Long story short, I had been dating my now husband since 2014, we moved in together in 2015, got engaged in Feb 2016 and married in Oct 2017 (3 months ago). We went on our honeymoon a month ago and just returned 2 weeks ago. I thought this was the start of a long happy marriage, but last week I found out something that shook my world to the ground.

My best friend (who was a bridesmaid at my wedding) moved into our spare room in July 2017 as she had broken up with her ex and needed a place to stay. I was happy to have her there, as my husband was away for work 3 days a week at the time, and I never thought there was anything to worry about between the two of them.

Turns out my husband had been behaving inappropriately to her on several occasions in our house, both before and after our wedding. It started when he walked in on her in the bathroom in the middle of the night when he had no clothes on (he says it was an accident, our bathroom door has no lock and he sleeps naked, so I believe this was a genuine mistake). But apparently he walked in on her 4 or 5 times after this, which I can't believe to be just accidents all those times.

The last time it happened (this one was 2 days before we left for our honeymoon), he stayed in the bathroom and ended up putting his hands on her waist and her face, saying something like "you're not my girlfriend or my wife..." which she said she thought meant he wanted to sleep with her, but he maintains he doesn't know why he put his hands on her but that he didn't want to sleep with her at all. She says she tried to push him off but he wouldn't let go until she ran out of the room.

A few other incidents that he admitted to was one time they were both on our sofa, she said something about not knowing her bra size, and he said he thought he could guess by feeling them, and she let him touch her breasts. He also admitted to sending her pervy messages - nothing sexual or explicit, just inappropriate ones, but he deleted them so I don't know what they said.

She was the one who admitted all of this to me last week (it was the first time I had seen her since we got back from the honeymoon). She says she wishes she had told me at the start, but didn't know how to. She swears she has no feelings for him, and that she thought he would stop after a while.

His explanation is that his sense of humour is quite vulgar, and what started out as a joke (the first accidental walk in) became a bit of an obsession for him, and the line got really blurred in his mind because she wasn't explicitly saying no to his actions. He understands that what he did can be considered infidelity and that it has broken our trust to a point that I don't know if I can trust him.

So after all that, my head is a bit of a mess and I don't quite know what to do. Do I leave him after 3 months of marriage? Do I stay and try to forgive him and rebuild the trust? If I stay, am i choosing my husband over my best friend? Please share any answers you have for me, because I'm pretty lost right now.

Well, first thing is calm down. Your husband is being rude and is sexually harassing your best friend, but he hasn't done anything that would warrant you leaving him ... yet. I think your best friend has to move out and you have to keep temptation out of his reach in the future. Your friend should have said something right at the start so that your husband would have been told to cut it out. By not saying something, a guy thinks that the victim likes the attention and he escalates the harassment. It actually wasn't fair to you that your best friend went along with it.

In any event, I would watch him in the future since he thinks he's Don Juan or something. But I don't think he's been rude enough for a divorce, but certain couples counseling might be in the cards to work on this issue. That's my opinion. You're entitled to yours.

She's far from being your friend, and he's not worth being put on a leash. Unless you're prepared to spend the future walking on eggshells. I'd quit while I'm ahead.

Get rid of your friend. Tell her she has to leave and find her own place by the end of the month.

SHE let him put his hands on her breasts. Who does that? She's whack and your husband is taking advantage of her whackness. Shame on them both for their behaviour.

SHE didn't tell you about the incident in the bathroom where he had his hands on her waist and uses the excuse she didn't know how to tell you? Say what?

Tell your husband that if anything like that happens again, if he even utters one inappropriate sentence to another woman you will leave him (and mean it).

I think it was a very big mistake to allow your friend to live with you when you are a newly married couple. (even if you have lived together prior).

Has your husband been a huge flirt in the past or was it just with your friend?

A few other incidents that he admitted to was one time they were both on our sofa, she said something about not knowing her bra size, and he said he thought he could guess by feeling them, and she let him touch her breasts.

She is not your friend. And based on this statement, I am going to guess she was an equal participant in the other incidents. What woman talks about her bra size to another woman's husband?? Honestly?? And she LET HIM TOUCH HER? I think its absolute poison to invite anyone into your home to live with you while you are engaged or newlyweds (except for children of one half of the couple, etc.) I would kick her out and break the friendship and then i would go to counseling with my husband,

SHE didn't tell you about the incident in the bathroom where he had his hands on her waist and uses the excuse she didn't know how to tell you? Say what

If this were me and this really happened, and if i were the friend, i would move immediately. I would sleep on another friends sofa if i had to before formally moving out and then i would have coffee with my friend and tell her why i left abruptly.

Honestly, I would leave him if I were you.

Right after you said your vows, he made a move on your best friend?

Can you imagine what life would be years down the road? If he could do that to your best friend, what makes you think he wouldn't do it again with someone else?

Major red flags! As for your friend, you can drop her too.

Wow, all.

It all seems to clear cut to you. I think I have good ethics and try to be loving and supportive of my friends and there have been times in my life where I have struggled with the same question. Do I tell my friend about their partner harassing me? And her living in the house makes in more complicated. This dude was invading her space naked... repeatedly. That's creepy as hell. I'm a little shocked everyone is pro-creep-husband and anti-friend because she struggled with what to do in a complicated situation.

OP you know these people better then we do. Do you think your friend was being inappropriate with your husband? Or do you think your husband was being inappropriate with your friend? How are you feeling about them? Has your husband acted like a creep in other situations, with other people? Do you trust what your friend is saying? Do you know her to be someone who would act inappropriately with a friend's partner?

Wow, all.

 

It all seems to clear cut to you. I think I have good ethics and try to be loving and supportive of my friends and there have been times in my life where I have struggled with the same question. Do I tell my friend about their partner harassing me? And her living in the house makes in more complicated. This dude was invading her space naked... repeatedly. That's creepy as hell. I'm a little shocked everyone is pro-creep-husband and anti-friend because she struggled with what to do in a complicated situation.

When you put it all together, they were both being inappropriate with one another.

A few other incidents that he admitted to was one time they were both on our sofa, she said something about not knowing her bra size, and he said he thought he could guess by feeling them, and she let him touch her breasts.

Saying that he doesn't know why he acted the way he did?

Sexually harassing your best friend?

Deal breakers imo. A divorce may seem difficult but imagine this happening after children came into play. Imo, that would be even worse.

As for your "best friend". Discussing her bra size with your husband and letting him touch her breasts? If that is true, and not a lie from your husband in an effort to discredit her, then she is indeed a crappy friend.

I'm having a problem understanding why she had a problem telling you this before the wedding but came clean after the wedding. If she is truly a friend why would she let you marry this dude without telling you what he or they were doing?

They are both wrong. She has to go and go soon.

His humor being vulgar has nothing to do with his hands on her breast, face and waist which she allowed.

You've been married 3 months. Only you know what you are feeling and you know him. Is the relationship damaged beyond repair? If no, then don't end your marriage. If yes, then it's time to to go. Do You honestly think you will be able to trust him? If he is doing this in the home what is he doing those 3 days he is away from home? It takes too much energy to follow him around and check behind him plus its not worth the effort or mental draining.

If you want to keep her as your friend do so, just make sure she is out of your house and not around your husband. Even if she didn't know how to tell you I think she should have removed herself from the situation. It bothers me that she didn't do that.

In the end make sure you do what's best for you.

This dude was invading her space naked... repeatedly. That's creepy as hell. I'm a little shocked everyone is pro-creep-husband

Right, it's not hard or expensive to put a hook-and-eye lock on the bathroom door after the first "mistake". Instead, he intentionally did it again, and again...

"His explanation is that his sense of humour is quite vulgar, and what started out as a joke (the first accidental walk in) became a bit of an obsession for him, and the line got really blurred in his mind"

It's not about choosing one over the other, your husband or your friend, it's about choosing YOU, what is best for you. Trust yourself to choose what is right for you. It doesn't matter if it is 3 months or 3 days or 3 years.

Get rid of both of them!

And why the hell did he not put on shorts, when there is another person in the house? And don't people knock in your home?

They are both awful!

I can see putting a friend up for an interim month while she finds her own place, but keeping her there so long either means you were all getting something unhealthy out of this arrangement, or you're not being honest about this story.

I'd consult with a lawyer to learn what my options are, and I'd make my best decisions based on that information.

Sorry to hear this. Your friend is a snake. Clearly she's trying to break up your marriage. Is she jealous that she just got dumped and you just got married?

Nonetheless, your husband acted very inappropriately. It's up to you if you want to work through this. In either case, get this snake "friend" out of your life.

she said something about not knowing her bra size, and he said he thought he could guess by feeling them, and she let him touch her breasts. She was the one who admitted all of this to me last week.She swears she has no feelings for him, and that she thought he would stop after a while.

Sorry to hear this. Your friend is a snake. Clearly she's trying to break up your marriage. Is she jealous that she just got dumped and you just got married?

Who's the instigator, though? He's the one walking NAKED into the bathroom on her, repeatedly, and touching her body, refusing to install a lock on the door in his home. He's the one offering to feel her breasts to check on size. Yeah, she's going through a break up and is showing poor boundaries, BUT she's the one that brought it to the OP's attention. She's the one most likely to lose the roof over her head by doing so. He's as snakey as anyone in this. Clearly he has no respect for his girlfriend or his marriage, or the friend.

:nightmare:

OP, you've only posted once on eNA. I hope you are doing ok. Update us if you are feeling up to it.

Uh, if considers that part of his "sense of humor," that is a big, BIG personality flaw. One that is not likely to go away.

I'm not gonna say get a divorce, but maybe it would be for the best. I'd at least seek couples counselling.

She has moved out already, she left the house immediately after he touched her the last time and never came back, and has left all her stuff here as she hasn't wanted to be in the house since. She is quite young and naive, which is why I am wiling to give her the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to cut her out of my life but at the same time I feel betrayed that she didn't tell me after the first incident. She's coming round on Saturday (husband will not be in the house) and I'll be having a long talk with her to get her full perspective on everything.

My husband has set up counselling for himself to figure out what his issues are here, because it's not something I can fix until I understand it. I've decided to give him a chance to fix things and I'm willing to get couples counselling to try and repair the trust. I feel like I might regret it, but I feel like I'll hate myself if I don't give things a second chance. I do believe that people can change, so I hope I'm right. If anything like this ever happens again though, I'll be straight out the door.

Thank you all for your advice and perspectives, it has really helped me figure out how to get through this.

If this guy is brazen enough to do it in your own home, he will do it again. God only knows how many other times he has cheated on you.

You really need a lock on the bathroom door. You should get that installed immediately.