Helpless why is she blaming me for her tiredness

Some say that your spouse can make heaven or hell in your life.

I love my wife. I do. She is also a good person. Well mannered. Good temper. Patient. She is smart and capable.

Despite all these positive traits, we seems to struggle everyday. From simple everyday conversations, it can go downhill. Or making big decisions like the place we stay in. It seems to be so difficult to agree with each other.

The other night, I was asking her to see my message in the group. I held out my phone as she walked pass 'hey look at this it is funny' I said. 'I'm not free, I'm tired' she replied.

So I asked her why the hostility. And she said she was tired and flustered because of me. So I asked why is it because of me? She said I asked her to cut the papaya. I asked again 'didn't I said earlier that it is ok no need to cut the papaya I am going to sleep.' She said that she assumed I was angry and said that as a form of anger. So I explained that I am a straight forward guy. If I want something I say I want something. I'm not passive aggressive. Then she retracted her words and said that I asked her to cut. So I asked her to recall the context that she was insisting to cut the papaya when I already told her repeatedly no need. And I only said its up to her if she insists. Then she said she cut it because she loves me. But my question is why is this 'love' sounded more like a blame for her fatigue? She showed me love by cutting the papaya yet sabotage the relationship by blaming me for her tiredness.

When I confronted her with this, she continues to say it is because of me she is tired. This is passive aggression, I told her, and it is toxic.

This happened on Tuesday. And on Sunday, after hosting our family for lunch and dinner. I wanted to get close. She also pushed me away and said she is tired. She also say she has slaved the whole day and is tired. Seems like the new marriage has begun to take things for granted. I don't understand why my wife doesn't respect me. I helped to clean up. I'm helpless.

How much do you help? Are you doing 50%? If she cooks, do you clean?

So many marital conflicts center around cutting papaya.

Maybe she is registering a legitimate complaint as to your expectations. Maybe she's just being petulant. Maybe she's stressed and overwhelmed in general and is taking it out on you.

I'd tell her that you are sorry she's been feeling tired and ask if there's something you can do to help--even if it's just listening. If she is willing to open up and talk it shows that she is willing to work with you to solve the problem. If you just get more complaining and pushing you away then I would stay positive and upbeat but don't engage any further until she is ready to be constructive.

Maybe you are not giving her enough attention? Women argue over little things like the papaya incident but it's usually another way to tell that they want attention.

Maybe you are not giving her enough attention? Women argue over little things like the papaya incident but it's usually another way to tell that they want attention.

It could also mean that he is not pulling his weight around the home.

So many marital conflicts center around cutting papaya.

 

Maybe she is registering a legitimate complaint as to your expectations. Maybe she's just being petulant. Maybe she's stressed and overwhelmed in general and is taking it out on you.

 

I'd tell her that you are sorry she's been feeling tired and ask if there's something you can do to help--even if it's just listening. If she is willing to open up and talk it shows that she is willing to work with you to solve the problem. If you just get more complaining and pushing you away then I would stay positive and upbeat but don't engage any further until she is ready to be constructive.

She said she is sorry for rejecting me. She did so because she was tired and she was tired because she was doing things for us.

So I asked why made something supposingly loving into something grudging? Isn't that defeated the sole intent?

Anyway I keep nagging her to sleep every night. She didn't listen. Now it's my fault that she is tired. She can't make me responsible for her feelings. And I can't seem to find a way to tell her in the way that she can understand. Any ideas?

Maybe you are not giving her enough attention? Women argue over little things like the papaya incident but it's usually another way to tell that they want attention.

I think you are right!

It's not even about the papaya lol. It's about you as a person. You need to stop the arguments over the facts/perspectives, suck it up and just do something to make her happy and help her out. Don't ask her what needs to be done - get in there and contribute something. Do something!

Happy wife, happy life. Let her win the arguments when she expresses that she's reached her limit for the day, and rather than argue, do what you can to pick up the slack for her

She said she is sorry for rejecting me. She did so because she was tired and she was tired because she was doing things for us.

 

So I asked why made something supposingly loving into something grudging? Isn't that defeated the sole intent?

 

Anyway I keep nagging her to sleep every night. She didn't listen. Now it's my fault that she is tired. She can't make me responsible for her feelings. And I can't seem to find a way to tell her in the way that she can understand. Any ideas?

Look, for all you know there may be some medical reason why she is so tired. It's not extremely likely but it's nowhere near being outside the realm of possibility. At any rate she's telling you the problem--she's tired. You seem way more concerned with making her see that it isn't your fault than you are with actually being helpful. And no, telling her to go to bed isn't being helpful.

I already said what I think you should do. Acknowlege what she is saying and ask her what you can do to help. Don't get defensive, don't tell her that she should have a more giving attitude, don't tell her what to do. Just listen. If you do all that and she still just wants to complain (talking about the problem isn't complaining) and won't help you help her, well, then that's on her. But give her a fair chance. She may very well have an entirely legitimate beef here.

 

Happy wife, happy life.

Well said glitterfingers, well said!

This happened on Tuesday. And on Sunday, after hosting our family for lunch and dinner. I wanted to get close. She also pushed me away and said she is tired. She also say she has slaved the whole day and is tired. Seems like the new marriage has begun to take things for granted. I don't understand why my wife doesn't respect me. I helped to clean up. I'm helpless.

did she cook lunch and dinner for a full family ? In the same day .....good god man , they would get a cuppa and pkt of custard creams offered in my house ...Did you sit on your @rse while she did all this ? If yes then no wonder she is tried .

I have to say that I hate the expression "Happy wife, happy life" because it is gynocentric and suggests that husbands should take a servile role. That said, OP definitely should listen to his wife.

I have to say that I hate the expression "Happy wife, happy life" because it is gynocentric and suggests that husbands should take a servile role. That said, OP definitely should listen to his wife.

So do I ...it makes us sound pathetic ...!!!

i have a friend who solved his frustration with his non working (in the sense of 3rd party employment) spouse. They have weekly housekeeping help but he wanted the house vacuumed daily.

Finally, he realized, "This is my thing. I need to do this myself." So he gets up at 430 and vacuums the downstairs every morning. Everyone is happy again.

This man owns a demanding business, is the head of a non profit in the middle of a large construction project on a different continent, is supporting the family in multiple ways, and drives his kids to school, etc.

I have such respect for him. He gets it done.

The blame/tired/defensive posturing could be from cell-phone-widow right up to an affair.

Without more marital facts, it would be hard to tell.

" Finally, he realized, "This is my thing. I need to do this myself." So he gets up at 430 and vacuums the downstairs every morning. Everyone is happy again.

This man owns a demanding business, is the head of a non profit in the middle of a large construction project on a different continent, is supporting the family in multiple ways, and drives his kids to school, etc.

I have such respect for him. He gets it done."

Wow that's so adorable. And what she does besides spending all the money and time he made for her?

OP, in my opinion I think that you should stop fighting the windmill. Why dont you just accept that she is tired for whatever reason and stop trying to fight with her over it? I mean,by starting a fight you just push her into a corner and she finds reasons. Just let her be and do your best to help her next time if you see she's struggling.

I think that you are (unintentionally) contributing to this dynamic.

First there was the papaya. This one was a misunderstanding. It happens.

Then, you asked her to look at some thing on your phone. When she said "no" and that she was tired, I'm not sure why it didn't stop there. People are allowed to be tired (there is also such a thing as emotionally tired). They are allowed to be grumpy. Sometimes you just have to leave them with their emotions.

Instead, you turned it into another argument. You both argued about the papaya again.

Then, you didn't like her explanation or that you felt she was blaming it on you, so you argued about that too.

Then, on Sunday, she didn't want sex. Ok. I'm not sure why this is such a big deal.

I think you just have to let her have her emotions and feelings sometimes. I'm not sure why, when she reacts in a way that you don't want or expect, it has to be an argument?

I do feel that if you let some of these go rather than arguing about it, it will get better. Either she will start to be annoyed less, or since you won't engage and start the arguments, it will force her to use her words and tell you what's wrong.

Unless what you are asking or needing in that moment is really critical (looking at a picture, for example, is not critical) - I just don't think you should engage in these arguments.

So do I ...it makes us sound pathetic ...!!!

Pippy my dear, because a relationship seems gynocentric it doesn't mean it is in reality.

I may be way off base, but I think she's trying to show you love with acts of service. She's exhausting herself trying to do it all, and is depleted already when you are seeking attention. Both of you could make adjustments, so she isn't tired all the time and so she has energy left for fun stuff and intimacy.

I think you guys are a bit tuned out to each other's needs and what makes the other happy. She worked all day preparing meals, and you were upset she wasn't available to relax and to have energy/ mood for intimacy. Both of you have good intentions but wires are crossed.

Neither of you is feeling fully recognized and appreciated for what you give to the other.

If you were to say, sweetie, I'll cut my own papaya, you look tired from making all those beautiful meals,thank you for that, go relax for a while. You might find you can start a new pattern growing of gratitude for each other.

I may be way off base, but I think she's trying to show you love with acts of service. She's exhausting herself trying to do it all, and is depleted already when you are seeking attention. Both of you could make adjustments, so she isn't tired all the time and so she has energy left for fun stuff and intimacy.

I think you guys are a bit tuned out to each other's needs and what makes the other happy. She worked all day preparing meals, and you were upset she wasn't available to relax and to have energy/ mood for intimacy. Both of you have good intentions but wires are crossed.

Neither of you is feeling fully recognized and appreciated for what you give to the other.

 

If you were to say, sweetie, I'll cut my own papaya, you look tired from making all those beautiful meals,thank you for that, go relax for a while. You might find you can start a new pattern growing of gratitude for each other.

Wow.. that make a lot sense now... seems spot on..

I had been trying to tell her that I appreciate all the things that she has done. But she should put herself first and learn to rest. Been telling her don't worry about me.. I can settle stuff myself.. but she kept taking things upon herself. Told her she is not the Messiah. But that is her nature. Always trying to heal the world...

I need her to learn to take care of herself first.. and have not been successful. What should I do?

Wow.. that make a lot sense now... seems spot on..

 

I had been trying to tell her that I appreciate all the things that she has done. But she should put herself first and learn to rest. Been telling her don't worry about me.. I can settle stuff myself.. but she kept taking things upon herself. Told her she is not the Messiah. But that is her nature. Always trying to heal the world...

 

I need her to learn to take care of herself first.. and have not been successful. What should I do?

Honestly, the way you isolate these instances, particularly with this problematic lone papaya, it sounds kinda like a Spectrum-level lack of interpersonal awareness.

But, I mean, that's just taking your account at face-level. I have no idea how equitable things really are, whether you come off as passive aggressive even if you don't intend to, if she's prone to being dramatic, whatever.

Piggybacking off Krankor's point of abhorring the whole placating a woman just for the sake of it, I don't tolerate arguments over fruit. I just don't. What I will do is say, "Hey, I'm not saying I didn't **** up somehow, but I can't and won't argue over papaya. However, if there's something underlying that can give me a much bigger picture of what you need from me, I'm all ears."

i have a friend who solved his frustration with his non working (in the sense of 3rd party employment) spouse. They have weekly housekeeping help but he wanted the house vacuumed daily.

 

Finally, he realized, "This is my thing. I need to do this myself." So he gets up at 430 and vacuums the downstairs every morning. Everyone is happy again.

 

This man owns a demanding business, is the head of a non profit in the middle of a large construction project on a different continent, is supporting the family in multiple ways, and drives his kids to school, etc.

 

I have such respect for him. He gets it done.

What does the lady do?

This article perfectly expresses what is going on: /

She loves you, but she is just f-en tired. Don't dismiss that when she's telling you this either!

Micro-managing your partner is exhausting and no one wants this job either! Instead of always waiting for her to tell you what needs to be done every freaking day, just think what she asked you to do last time, and just do it. Don't wait for her to ask you to wash the dishes, just go wash them. Women get tired seriously from men can't just initiate doing what needs to be done.

I see that you completely ignored the comments about contributing more around the house. Do more!!!

 

What does the lady do?

Well, that is what bugged him. Plenty, of course, in that they have kids, travel, engagements. The daily vacuum was not a priority for her, and it was for him. It was a stroke of genius on his part. The secret of marriage isn't 50-50. Its 100 - 100. Our 100s may not be equal, and likely will be spent differently than our partners would recommend. We have to accept each person's version of 100, trust they are doing what they can as best they can, and keep going. Else we lose the opportunity to live our own lives and to appreciate them the way they are when they have the opportunity to live theirs.

This made no sense to me until recently.