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wtm78

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wtm78 last won the day on May 23 2008

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About wtm78

  • Birthday September 4

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  1. Thanks for all the responses! Kindly keep to this thread. This question is independent from other that is post
  2. Is it normal when I see or hear someone starting to get emotional, their pitch in their voice goes higher and higher, pace of words gets faster and faster, the voice gets screechyer and scheechyer, whinier and whinier. I get this churn in my stomach, my blood pressure will rise and starts to get annoyed. Is this normal?
  3. Hi, hmm. I don't know where to start. My wife, she is a wonderful person. She love me and I love her. But somehow that is not enough. You see, at rest, at our natural state. Somehow we oppose each other. Every thought, every decision, every word we say. We have difficulty getting by with each other each day even at daily things, even for deciding to have a meal together. We are unhappy. For a long time. Somehow everything changed straight after wedding. It hurts to see her sad to see her cry when we fight. I wish she can find someone who will love her the way she wants and deserve. The marriage is tough, she didn't quit. But I did. I am pushing her away. I don't know why I do that. I don't know if it's because I'm hurting or I don't think I deserve her. I was mean when we fight really mean. I know if I'm mean enough maybe she will leave. So I chase her away because I wish she find someone that can give her what she deserves, what I can't. We had fun when we were together. But we can't function as a unit. I sincerely wish her the best.
  4. Do you have any people you work with who always drop the ball? Even after you explained the details of the project and how he/she is supposed to be involve. Set a timeline. But they never come back to you, they never do the work and they just conveniently forgets about it. Then imagine your spouse is like that. You tell him/her the same thing/task everyday. They don't do it. You split the work load and you did your part but he/she don't follow up, don't follow through on hers. How can you set boundaries for a spouse like that. What consequences can you give?
  5. Like I said Because she threatens to sucide,
  6. hi Writinggal , i am sorry, i dont really understand the suggestion... i just want to have a meal with my wife at least once a day... which the only possible timing is waking up together for breakfast.. this is because our timing just dont fit.. which i have explained earlier too... :)
  7. thanks for all your replies... you know how is it like to live with someone who rather go into 'war' with you than to admit that 'hey like i did that'.. after we got married, i have never heard her say 'ya, i did that'.. never.. but instead she explains why she did was right.. i cant comprehend why being right is so much more impt... even point that out, she explains to me that it so not wrong... after that, she will cry and throws a fit... not talk for a few days... and decided that she will cook soup and pretend that nothing has happened... if i dont drink the soup for whatever reason like i am still full, she will throw another fit... i told my counselor that i felt like i am being 'controlled' by her fits.. and i told counselor that i cant let her behave badly like that all the time and not have consequences. i cant let somethings like that slide... if i keep letting that slide i am actually conditioning or encouraging her to control me with temper fits... the counselor agreed with me and asked me to tell her 'i am not going to deal with your emotional outburst, you deal with your emotions then later we can talk' whenever she goes into fits.. and i did... but we never could revisit and talk about what happen... if we did... she will go into another fit... its like a no-end loop... and one day, counselor said that maybe when i decided to leave and she would 'wake up' but also sometimes people dont 'wakeup'... that is when i realize that even professional counselling thinks there is no hope... you know why is it impt for me that she admits the things she do? because it keeps happening over and over.. and maybe just maybe if she could admit that, 'hey, i did that and it hurts you. i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt you and i never would want to hurt you'.. just maybe if she could do that, i can believe that she actually cared and know how and why she did what she did and how it affected me... for now, i dont know what it is, maybe her pride, her ego, her fragile self image, or whatever it is.. she will never admit that i am actually hurting and she was a part of it... she will just explain that she is not wrong.. or she is just innocent... my counselor said that maybe she is the youngest in the family, always been the jewel.. she has a need to be the 'angel' and if that perception is challenged she as a whole will collapse as a being... either i have to accept that, or i have to leave.. i tried to accept that for a few months.. but as long as i bring up something that she did that affects me... we are back in this cycle... now i am just not sure if i can do this forever...
  8. i have been going for marriage counselling for almost 1 year. at least 6 times the counselor suggested that i consider a divorce.. i have stopped going because i know that counselling at this stage will not going to any fruitful... there is always going to be difference in a relationship... i think not every problem needs to be solved. but they definately need to be well-discussed! the problem that i have previously raise are just problem that need to be discussed. but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode... my wife is the friendliest person in the world, she is kind and nice and easy going with everyone... i dont know why we just cant get along, it is like we are repelling each other... from the moment i wake up in the morning, every single and little decision we make just continue to oppose each other. (it was not like that during dating.. ) from what i want to eat to what i want to wear and how i want to wear them.. she wants to tell me that i am wrong.. sometimes i also wonder if she is listening when i am talking.. i can be telling her i have a headache and she ask me how is my tummy 20mins later.. when we have a conversation she will also at times space out like her soul got transported into another dimension... very often she will tell me she will do something, and in the end did not keep to her promises.. she doesnt even remember saying that she will do them.. that is the strange part.. i asked her if her tailor alter men's shirt, she said she will ask her tailor, and she doesnt even remember having this conversation with me.. or when she actually does something at home.. she doesnt complete the task. say if she wash the dishes and dry them at the rack, they could be on the rack for months.. last year the dishes where all over the kitchen countertop for 2 months until i cant stand it and keep the in the cabinet. why are all these concerns for me?? because i want to have children with her.. and all these do not give me faith to have kids with her... yes, i have been trashed in this forum in my previous post.. feel free to continue trashing... i am very tired... working on a relationship that shows no results.. dont get me wrong she is doing her best to make this relationship work too.. but we are focused on different issues.. its like we are trading in our own currency that are meaningless to the other party... maybe we are just too different.. i love her, i cherish her.. but nothing seems to working and i have no way to communicate to her in a way that she understands.. or if i can be sure that she is listening.. it is just too hard.. and i am wondering if i should get a divorce like the counselor suggested..
  9. grief is a process and anger is part of the process... it will get better...
  10. I'm losing my sanity slowly. Every conversation with wife turns into a fight no matter how innocently a question is. A question like when are you going to tell me that xxx thing you have? Turns into a full blown fight. To me, it was a genuine question. To her, it's an attack. I don't know how is everything that comes out of my mouth an attack. Slowly I start to question my sanity. Also everything I say become a full blown fight. I am damn tired. I am losing any hope and can no longer the shore. I am griefed
  11. I'm also beginning to realise that her actions are passive aggressive. She say what she doesn't mean. She promised things 'if that is what you want' only to fail to keep her promise. She seems to fail to do those certain things that I tell her it's important for me very often. (For those who still post asking me why I'm mad with the lights. To put it directly, it's not about the lights. Something deeper that I could not put my finger to it earlier.) When I raise an issue (small solvable issue) it can escalate out of portion. When in arguement. She seems to be waiting for me to make a mistake then will turn the attention to my mistake and start attacking and harping on it instead of what we were discussing. She keep changing topic when we are resolving issues. She is defensive all the time like a porcupine. She always the victim. She is always the sweet angel. She never apologizes. Even when she say 'sorry' you know it's insincere because it will end of with a 'but you...'. She doesn't seem to take responsibility of any actions. She will give an alternate account of reality. It's really tiring. I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to go counseling and she tell others that I am the one who doesn't want to go counseling. She say she wants to make things work. But her actions don't match. What do I do?
  12. I think you are spot on. There are many deeply rooted issues. What you say about what she thinks eventually come true is what I often tells her. If she keeps thinking that I have I'll intentions of her she will keep finding it. She keeps fearing I will leave her now she is pushing me further and further away.
  13. I haven't been able to sleep well. I have constant heahaches. I have fast heartbeat. I'm frustrated with my life stages. 1 year married but it's no honeymoon like most newly wed. We have hard time adjusting to each other. I want to solve our differences. My wife is conflict avoidant. We have not been addressing any of our issues. I'm frustrated. I'm sure she is too. I'm having nightmares and wake up screaming. In fact I was sitting at the table in public and as my mind wonders off. I started letting out a frustrated outcry unknowingly. I guessed it's muscle memory. I'm anxious all the time. I can't concentrate. I lost interest in everything. I can't stop my mind from replying all the what if. I stopped going home. Because it felt like a very cold and lonely place. I want to be where people are. I want a more stable life. I don't want to deal with any more drama.
  14. Imagine you want to hold on to a piece of soap. The tighter you grip the easier it slip. At the same time if you don't hold it, you would also drop it. Life is as such. Do what you can. You cant control the outcome.
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