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Everything posted by wtm78

  1. Thanks for all the responses! Kindly keep to this thread. This question is independent from other that is post
  2. Is it normal when I see or hear someone starting to get emotional, their pitch in their voice goes higher and higher, pace of words gets faster and faster, the voice gets screechyer and scheechyer, whinier and whinier. I get this churn in my stomach, my blood pressure will rise and starts to get annoyed. Is this normal?
  3. Hi, hmm. I don't know where to start. My wife, she is a wonderful person. She love me and I love her. But somehow that is not enough. You see, at rest, at our natural state. Somehow we oppose each other. Every thought, every decision, every word we say. We have difficulty getting by with each other each day even at daily things, even for deciding to have a meal together. We are unhappy. For a long time. Somehow everything changed straight after wedding. It hurts to see her sad to see her cry when we fight. I wish she can find someone who will love her the way she wants and deserve. The marriage is tough, she didn't quit. But I did. I am pushing her away. I don't know why I do that. I don't know if it's because I'm hurting or I don't think I deserve her. I was mean when we fight really mean. I know if I'm mean enough maybe she will leave. So I chase her away because I wish she find someone that can give her what she deserves, what I can't. We had fun when we were together. But we can't function as a unit. I sincerely wish her the best.
  4. Do you have any people you work with who always drop the ball? Even after you explained the details of the project and how he/she is supposed to be involve. Set a timeline. But they never come back to you, they never do the work and they just conveniently forgets about it. Then imagine your spouse is like that. You tell him/her the same thing/task everyday. They don't do it. You split the work load and you did your part but he/she don't follow up, don't follow through on hers. How can you set boundaries for a spouse like that. What consequences can you give?
  5. Like I said Because she threatens to sucide,
  6. hi Writinggal , i am sorry, i dont really understand the suggestion... i just want to have a meal with my wife at least once a day... which the only possible timing is waking up together for breakfast.. this is because our timing just dont fit.. which i have explained earlier too... :)
  7. thanks for all your replies... you know how is it like to live with someone who rather go into 'war' with you than to admit that 'hey like i did that'.. after we got married, i have never heard her say 'ya, i did that'.. never.. but instead she explains why she did was right.. i cant comprehend why being right is so much more impt... even point that out, she explains to me that it so not wrong... after that, she will cry and throws a fit... not talk for a few days... and decided that she will cook soup and pretend that nothing has happened... if i dont drink the soup for whatever reason like i am still full, she will throw another fit... i told my counselor that i felt like i am being 'controlled' by her fits.. and i told counselor that i cant let her behave badly like that all the time and not have consequences. i cant let somethings like that slide... if i keep letting that slide i am actually conditioning or encouraging her to control me with temper fits... the counselor agreed with me and asked me to tell her 'i am not going to deal with your emotional outburst, you deal with your emotions then later we can talk' whenever she goes into fits.. and i did... but we never could revisit and talk about what happen... if we did... she will go into another fit... its like a no-end loop... and one day, counselor said that maybe when i decided to leave and she would 'wake up' but also sometimes people dont 'wakeup'... that is when i realize that even professional counselling thinks there is no hope... you know why is it impt for me that she admits the things she do? because it keeps happening over and over.. and maybe just maybe if she could admit that, 'hey, i did that and it hurts you. i am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt you and i never would want to hurt you'.. just maybe if she could do that, i can believe that she actually cared and know how and why she did what she did and how it affected me... for now, i dont know what it is, maybe her pride, her ego, her fragile self image, or whatever it is.. she will never admit that i am actually hurting and she was a part of it... she will just explain that she is not wrong.. or she is just innocent... my counselor said that maybe she is the youngest in the family, always been the jewel.. she has a need to be the 'angel' and if that perception is challenged she as a whole will collapse as a being... either i have to accept that, or i have to leave.. i tried to accept that for a few months.. but as long as i bring up something that she did that affects me... we are back in this cycle... now i am just not sure if i can do this forever...
  8. i have been going for marriage counselling for almost 1 year. at least 6 times the counselor suggested that i consider a divorce.. i have stopped going because i know that counselling at this stage will not going to any fruitful... there is always going to be difference in a relationship... i think not every problem needs to be solved. but they definately need to be well-discussed! the problem that i have previously raise are just problem that need to be discussed. but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode... my wife is the friendliest person in the world, she is kind and nice and easy going with everyone... i dont know why we just cant get along, it is like we are repelling each other... from the moment i wake up in the morning, every single and little decision we make just continue to oppose each other. (it was not like that during dating.. ) from what i want to eat to what i want to wear and how i want to wear them.. she wants to tell me that i am wrong.. sometimes i also wonder if she is listening when i am talking.. i can be telling her i have a headache and she ask me how is my tummy 20mins later.. when we have a conversation she will also at times space out like her soul got transported into another dimension... very often she will tell me she will do something, and in the end did not keep to her promises.. she doesnt even remember saying that she will do them.. that is the strange part.. i asked her if her tailor alter men's shirt, she said she will ask her tailor, and she doesnt even remember having this conversation with me.. or when she actually does something at home.. she doesnt complete the task. say if she wash the dishes and dry them at the rack, they could be on the rack for months.. last year the dishes where all over the kitchen countertop for 2 months until i cant stand it and keep the in the cabinet. why are all these concerns for me?? because i want to have children with her.. and all these do not give me faith to have kids with her... yes, i have been trashed in this forum in my previous post.. feel free to continue trashing... i am very tired... working on a relationship that shows no results.. dont get me wrong she is doing her best to make this relationship work too.. but we are focused on different issues.. its like we are trading in our own currency that are meaningless to the other party... maybe we are just too different.. i love her, i cherish her.. but nothing seems to working and i have no way to communicate to her in a way that she understands.. or if i can be sure that she is listening.. it is just too hard.. and i am wondering if i should get a divorce like the counselor suggested..
  9. grief is a process and anger is part of the process... it will get better...
  10. I'm losing my sanity slowly. Every conversation with wife turns into a fight no matter how innocently a question is. A question like when are you going to tell me that xxx thing you have? Turns into a full blown fight. To me, it was a genuine question. To her, it's an attack. I don't know how is everything that comes out of my mouth an attack. Slowly I start to question my sanity. Also everything I say become a full blown fight. I am damn tired. I am losing any hope and can no longer the shore. I am griefed
  11. I'm also beginning to realise that her actions are passive aggressive. She say what she doesn't mean. She promised things 'if that is what you want' only to fail to keep her promise. She seems to fail to do those certain things that I tell her it's important for me very often. (For those who still post asking me why I'm mad with the lights. To put it directly, it's not about the lights. Something deeper that I could not put my finger to it earlier.) When I raise an issue (small solvable issue) it can escalate out of portion. When in arguement. She seems to be waiting for me to make a mistake then will turn the attention to my mistake and start attacking and harping on it instead of what we were discussing. She keep changing topic when we are resolving issues. She is defensive all the time like a porcupine. She always the victim. She is always the sweet angel. She never apologizes. Even when she say 'sorry' you know it's insincere because it will end of with a 'but you...'. She doesn't seem to take responsibility of any actions. She will give an alternate account of reality. It's really tiring. I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to go counseling and she tell others that I am the one who doesn't want to go counseling. She say she wants to make things work. But her actions don't match. What do I do?
  12. I think you are spot on. There are many deeply rooted issues. What you say about what she thinks eventually come true is what I often tells her. If she keeps thinking that I have I'll intentions of her she will keep finding it. She keeps fearing I will leave her now she is pushing me further and further away.
  13. I haven't been able to sleep well. I have constant heahaches. I have fast heartbeat. I'm frustrated with my life stages. 1 year married but it's no honeymoon like most newly wed. We have hard time adjusting to each other. I want to solve our differences. My wife is conflict avoidant. We have not been addressing any of our issues. I'm frustrated. I'm sure she is too. I'm having nightmares and wake up screaming. In fact I was sitting at the table in public and as my mind wonders off. I started letting out a frustrated outcry unknowingly. I guessed it's muscle memory. I'm anxious all the time. I can't concentrate. I lost interest in everything. I can't stop my mind from replying all the what if. I stopped going home. Because it felt like a very cold and lonely place. I want to be where people are. I want a more stable life. I don't want to deal with any more drama.
  14. Imagine you want to hold on to a piece of soap. The tighter you grip the easier it slip. At the same time if you don't hold it, you would also drop it. Life is as such. Do what you can. You cant control the outcome.
  15. Catfeeder, I think you are right. I do feel like she is like a 13yo rebellious teenager in my interaction with her. Yes - I do feel like her dad. She had been leaving her trash lying around, her used cups also. Plates and dishes all over the kitchen. When she comes home she leaves her bag and shopping items all around. The thing is. We have talked about this before marriage. I wanted a smaller apartment because I know this is going to happen. And a smaller apartment I am able to cope with picking up better. She wanted a bigger space and she promised that she will do her part. Her part is everything in the kitchen, her own stuff are her responsibilities. I offered to spilt the house chores but she insisted she will do everything. - so I agreed and got a bigger place. but after we got a bigger place, she didn't fulfil her part of the agreement. And house chores I have outsource it to a part time cleaner. All I needed from her is for her to be responsible for her own mess. Also I built a cupboard to house her bags and told her to keep within her storage space. - now it got overflowed to everywhere else. And of course if I leave things to her to do at her pace. It doesn't get done. For example, I asked her to go for counseling since jul 2017. She only recently attended because I gave her an ultimatum. All I want to see from her is to take up her own responsibilities. Clean up her own mess. Own up her own mistakes instead of blaming the universe sabotaging her... - for this case, what she is saying is the lights turned on by itself. That happened 1 year ago too. My dad, Stoke patient who can't walk well. Turn on the light to the toilet. I ask her to help check all the lights and switch them off while we send my parents home. I came home 3 days later the lights are still on. I asked why. Her answer is 'i didn't turn on the lights'. - really?! Does it matter? Because I specifically asked her to check and switch it off. What happened to the checking? If I have to do everything myself and have noone watch my back. It is a very very sad marriage. - that are implications to these. Can I trust her in anything big? I can't even trust her to switch off the lights or to take responsibilities of her own actions. Can I trust her with a baby? Seriously?! From the responses, most likely the responses were quick to judge slow to understand. Some don't even bother reading. Of course it's more powerful feeling to tell people they are wrong. It takes more time to understand.
  16. The deeper issue is our values. If you're faithful with the little things then you will faithful with bigger things. It's about attitude, values and what you going to bring up your child with. (No we don't have children now. Because we are quarrel non stop. And I don't know how to bring up a child with her. Before marriage she live with her grandmother, 97. Her 97 yo grandma had to pick up after her everyday she leaves the house. Now she lives with me, old habits die hard. She comes home and don't lay a finger on anything. Leaves things around the house, rubbish on the table. Her behaviour is just consistent. The last time I asked her to switch off the electricity she left the iron on while we go on a 2weeks holiday. Was it about the electricity? Certainly not. It's about fire hazards. It's about getting her in the habit. But by pointing out the obvious that the lights not off. Instead of taking the responsibility of her actions and make amendments, she turn the problem to me and started attacking me on other issues. This is clearly a roadblock to a trusting relationship. Sure enough, I know what picking my fights is. For this case and every other case, I wasn't even picking a fight. I merely point out the obvious and she turn it around and it's me who is the problem. In a marriage, there ought to be communication. It means that you need to listen and you need to tell the truth. But for her, she only wants to listen to all the praises you sing to her. But doesn't want to hear what is not working out for me. I'm grief for the longest time. I'm not heard. For those who thinks I'm wrong and she is right. So be it. Our options defers. Maybe you are even experiencing something similar in your marriage. You need to know that I am not him. So have some respect. This is my thread. You don't have to get personal.
  17. The underlying issue is no one listens
  18. After marriage everyday I end up quarrelling with my wife. Mostly is because she doesn't like to hear anything that doesn't benefit her. Today we end up huge fight again. For something that to me is damn ridiculous. Before we leave home I was outside she is inside. I ask her to help switch off all the electricity. She said she already did. I said can you do a check. She said no she already switch off everything. We came home and I saw light. So I said 'you said u switch off everything, the light is not off'. She argued with me that she switched off everything. But the light is on. Then she start talking about how I didn't off the light the other day. (It's not staying on topic). I said look, the lights not off, you said you did but you didnt. I reminded you but since u said you off everything I trusted you.' She started to raise her voice going off topic staying how I'm attacking her. (Which is ridiculous). End up having a big fight completely out of portion. It's bloody tiring. Everyday I am dealing with a fight that is out of portion. At this stage it really doesn't matter who is right or wrong. We are dysfunctional. We miserable with each other. Nothing is working. We are just stuck in a gridlock power struggle. I'm not interested. I want to walk away from all the drama. How? What should I do?
  19. He doesn't need you to fix him/ push him/ set him on the right course. He doesn't need you to tell him what he needs to do. Neither does he need to hear that he needs to be better than his current state. He is stuck because he is disheartened and disappointed in himself. He needs his wife to remind him why she love him, why he is special, what his strengths are. He needs a cheerleader, he needs to find himself by himself and noone can help him with that. But you can cheer him on, be there for him. Lift him up when he fall. He needs to figure out what success means to him. Not what it mean to someone else. He can only do that in his own 'struggle'. He is now like a caterpilla in its cocoon trying to emerge as a beautiful butterfly. If you try to help cut open the cocoon at this stage and let it out. The butterfly would not survive long as it has not built enough muscle to flaps its wings. Everything has a timing, has its course. His time will come. Be there for him as you vowed at the aisle. for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish...
  20. Actually, my counselor said to me that she thinks I have tried everything I could. There is nothing else I could do. The only way to improve the situation is for her to sit down with me at the counselling session. Which my wife is not picking up my counselor's call. So I guess you are right. I am venting here at enotalone. Because I feel damn freaking alone.
  21. Breakfast is the only meal we can have together. This means for the last 2 years we have not had a meal together. To have a meal together I have to sacrifice and go work late.
  22. How to talk nicely? I have been telling her every morning for the last 2 years that I start work at 8 and need to leave the house by 7am But still Every morning she set her alarm at 7 and wait up at 730 For last 2 years, I have been telling her EVERY DAY I need to leave the house by 7. She doesn't listen Last night I said I want to wait up early to have breakfast together. Today she still set alarm at 7 While rushing to get out of the house and as I was packing my bag She came over put a lunch box on my stuff that I'm packing and walk off (Seriously?! Actually she is a person who don't learn. No matter how u tell her She does what she wants the way she wants it. My counselor told me she suspect that also) So as she stacked on top of my stuff I ask her why she did that and didn't she see that I am packing She got piss off and storm out Seriously?! Who the one that don't see their own problem? Yet the whole world is saying I have to keep giving in to her? Just because I am the guy? I have no rights in this marriage. No rights to be angry. No rights to have any feelings. No rights to voice out. Because if I voice out, it's world war 3. The WOMAN EMOTIONS IS ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT?! To be frank, for someone who is not open to listening, no amount of talking nicely will not work. Before our marriage, we went for some marriage seminar course to learn about handling conflicts, disagreements and communication skills. But she doesn't apply. It is like playing soccer but she is immune to the rules and used her hands, or playing basketball ball where she hold the ball and run to the other side of the court.
  23. Because when she hear what she doesn't like to hear is all hell break lose!
  24. It seems to me that as long as I am a guy in the marriage/long term relationship, the guy is always wrong. When my wife do something that pissed me off. If I don't tell her off, she will think there is nothing wrong and will continue to do the things that irritate me again. If I tell her off. She gets pissed and gives me hell. And still don't register that there is something she did that pissed me off in the first place. In any way, I lose in the long run. Of course, this is when I pick my battles. But any battles with a woman who doesn't pick hers, I have already lost the war.
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