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On the fence after 3rd date


jex24

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Hey guys, I could use some advice on my current situation.

 

I've started seeing this guy. We had date #3 tonight. I was kind of iffy about him after the first date, but I had a good enough time to go out on a second. The second date was better- good, but nothing amazing though- and I started feeling better about him. I was even looking forward to seeing him again. But after the third date, I am just not feeling it at ALL. I pretty much did a complete 180 from where I was at after date 2.

 

He's a really really nice guy. He treats me really well and seems like a genuine, respectful, and mature guy- which is exactly what I need. On paper he is absolutely perfect and exactly my type. But in person, it's just not. I'm not really sure whether or not I'm physically attracted to him (I know that sounds weird). He talks a lot, to the point where it's slightly overkill. He just tries way too hard, and it's so apparent and awkward. I honestly feel like if I introduced him to my family/friends they would question what the hell I was doing.

 

To be fair, I wasn't feeling well at all on our date tonight. So I'm not sure if that amplified everything x100 because I had a pretty good time on the second date and this one was was just so so bad.

 

Some backstory/why this is sort of a dilemma: I have a habit of cutting people off early on. I've always been a believer in "when you know, you know". I rarely ever go on second dates, and I've never made it past a 3rd date since my last relationship. I've been called "too picky" and "too quick to discount someone". But I have dated a pretty fair amount, and still been single for over 3 years now. Sometimes I question if I maybe missed out on someone because I ended things too soon. I don't regret any of the choices I've made, but I do know that chemistry isn't always instant and sometimes develops over time (even though I've only personally experienced the instant kind). This guy does have some great qualities, and who knows if some of the awkwardness can just be chalked up to nerves. I know he really likes me a lot. I don't know if this is one of this situations that just needs a little time. And I do know I tend to put a wall up when I'm not 100% into it from the start. I don't know if I'm just putting up my wall or if I really am just not feeling it.

 

Should I give him another chance or am I grasping at straws here because of how it sounds on paper? I don't want to waste anyone's time, his or mine. After 3 dates if I'm not into him, if it safe to say I probably won't be?

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I would see him one more time and if you don't have the desire to kiss him I would stop at that date - that seems long enough and not that long that you would mislead him. It sounds like you have preconceived notions about instant chemistry/insta-relationship but on the other hand you don't regret your choices so if it means you forego opportunities where you would feel that chemistry later on and if it means ultimately you stay single forever or nearly so, then you're fine with that because you're sticking to your personal standards. Nothing wrong with that at all. But yes, let him go after one more date so he can find someone who would be proud -beaming- to introduce him to friends. He sounds like he is probably insecure and seeking approval too much - which is a turn off I agree.

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Hey guys, I could use some advice on my current situation.

 

I've started seeing this guy. We had date #3 tonight. I was kind of iffy about him after the first date, but I had a good enough time to go out on a second. The second date was better- good, but nothing amazing though- and I started feeling better about him. I was even looking forward to seeing him again. But after the third date, I am just not feeling it at ALL. I pretty much did a complete 180 from where I was at after date 2.

 

He's a really really nice guy. He treats me really well and seems like a genuine, respectful, and mature guy- which is exactly what I need. On paper he is absolutely perfect and exactly my type. But in person, it's just not. I'm not really sure whether or not I'm physically attracted to him (I know that sounds weird). He talks a lot, to the point where it's slightly overkill. He just tries way too hard, and it's so apparent and awkward. I honestly feel like if I introduced him to my family/friends they would question what the hell I was doing.

 

To be fair, I wasn't feeling well at all on our date tonight. So I'm not sure if that amplified everything x100 because I had a pretty good time on the second date and this one was was just so so bad.

 

Some backstory/why this is sort of a dilemma: I have a habit of cutting people off early on. I've always been a believer in "when you know, you know". I rarely ever go on second dates, and I've never made it past a 3rd date since my last relationship. I've been called "too picky" and "too quick to discount someone". But I have dated a pretty fair amount, and still been single for over 3 years now. Sometimes I question if I maybe missed out on someone because I ended things too soon. I don't regret any of the choices I've made, but I do know that chemistry isn't always instant and sometimes develops over time (even though I've only personally experienced the instant kind). This guy does have some great qualities, and who knows if some of the awkwardness can just be chalked up to nerves. I know he really likes me a lot. I don't know if this is one of this situations that just needs a little time. And I do know I tend to put a wall up when I'm not 100% into it from the start. I don't know if I'm just putting up my wall or if I really am just not feeling it.

 

Should I give him another chance or am I grasping at straws here because of how it sounds on paper? I don't want to waste anyone's time, his or mine. After 3 dates if I'm not into him, if it safe to say I probably won't be?

I agree with batya.I would give it one more date. Try to stay open and not throw up walls and pay attention to his actions and mannerisms. If you are closed down during a date you will never be open to connect with him at any level.

 

He is probably nervous and thats why he is talking so much. Give him a break on that as nerves do make us act different. Lol

 

Who cares what your friends or family think at this point. All that matters is if you are happy.

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I agree with batya.I would give it one more date. Try to stay open and not throw up walls and pay attention to his actions and mannerisms. If you are closed down during a date you will never be open to connect with him at any level.

 

He is probably nervous and thats why he is talking so much. Give him a break on that as nerves do make us act different. Lol

 

Who cares what your friends or family think at this point. All that matters is if you are happy.

 

For what it's worth I think that is very smart advice about how to stay open - Janut - just in case the OP doesn't understand -do you mean don't focus on the mannerisms or she should?

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Hi, I was in a similar dilemma a while ago. I went out on a first date which was good but not great, and I hesitantly agreed to a second date. The second date again was good, but not great, I was only somewhat attracted to him, and I hesitantly agreed to a third date. Something in me was telling me to try 'once more'. Third date I started to like him sooo much. I don't know what it was, it was just a bit more comfortable, and I feel like I started to see who he was behind the nervousness, since he was shy the first couple of dates (aww). Fourth date I went back to being uncertain, but still wanted to see what would happen on the next date. On that fourth date we had a long talk, I forgot about the fact that we were on a 'date' and just relaxed. I'm so happy and comfortable with him now!!

It's been almost five months together and it's been great. He's pretty perfect, and completely kind and sweet. I adore the man.

When I think of how I almost turned him down a few times, I feel so lucky that I didn't.

The first few dates people are not always 'themselves', because of nervousness. Don't think that how a person acts the first few weeks is necessarily how they will be all of the time. It takes time to get to know a person. You just need to decide whether you are willing to put in a bit more time.

I'm not saying it will end up roses. But I think you'd be giving up on this guy a bit soon. Sounds like a good guy. Go on another couple of dates, hopefully it will be a bit more relaxed (less nerves!) and then you'll get to know what it feels like to just 'be' with him. Good luck!!

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I can mildly understand going out for a second date if you were on the fence after the first, but now three dates without a spark and you're debating a fourth? For me, that's bordering leading-on territory (and I know that's not your intention). Personally, I couldn't do it in good conscience knowing the woman I'd been on the dates with might totally be digging me.

 

Also just to note, a lot of unhappy relationships and even marriages start with forcing matters where there is no chemistry simply because someone's a good match on paper. Then, before you know it, a series of "maybe I just need to give him another chance after another" turns into "well I've already invested this much time, so I may as well..." I'd caution you against heading down that road, especially given that you're admitting to feeling some pressure to ease your standards and settle.

 

But if you feel you gotta, then I can't stop you. I'd just request you go dutch so that you're not potentially wasting both the guy's time and money.

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He's a really really nice guy. He treats me really well and seems like a genuine, respectful, and mature guy- which is exactly what I need. On paper he is absolutely perfect and exactly my type. But in person, it's just not. I'm not really sure whether or not I'm physically attracted to him (I know that sounds weird). He talks a lot, to the point where it's slightly overkill. He just tries way too hard, and it's so apparent and awkward. I honestly feel like if I introduced him to my family/friends they would question what the hell I was doing.

 

The kiss of death. The phrase that no man wants to hear, outside of the ones that feel that they can win her over with their charming personality (which is why he is trying so hard). I guess there's no harm in going out on a 4th date, but it might be best to have a decision after that.

 

Because you mentioned it, I wonder how much a role "physical attractiveness" plays in your decision making. For some people, it matters a lot, while with others, not so much.

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I usually go on 3 dates if I'm unsure. If I'm still unsure after 3 dates, I'll cut them off. But I'll admit I've gone on as many as 6 dates with someone I was unsure about attraction wise but leaning towards a yes in other aspects. For me, attractions can and do grow (or dwindle) when I get to know someone better and become attracted (or repulsed lol) by their personality.

 

I think you're being smart to go on more than one date when meeting people and should keep doing that. A lot of things change during the first 3 dates, just like you've seen, and I can't speak for others but attraction and chemistry rarely happens for me on the first date. It has happened before but the guys were totally wrong for me, so I think of it as only one of the considerations on a first and second date rather than the main consideration.

 

As for this guy, I think you could potentially go on one last date if you like. 3 dates vs 4 dates, is it really that big a difference in terms of "leading someone on"? I personally don't think so. She's genuine about getting to know him, so I wouldn't even consider it leading him on, but it will be a waste of both of your time to keep dating I think if you're still on the fence after date 4.

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He talks a lot, to the point where it's slightly overkill. He just tries way too hard, and it's so apparent and awkward. I honestly feel like if I introduced him to my family/friends they would question what the hell I was doing.

 

After this, I wouldn't bother with a date number 4!!!!!!

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I might go on the fourth date but to be fair, it would be to just reassure myself that this man is not for me and to let him know at the end of the date that I would like to remain friends but that it' s not going to happen.

As someone else said..don't force yourself and feel you have to settle because on paper it looks good. He might turn out to be a good friend but just doesn't match with you in the romantic sense, and there's nothing wrong with that.

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You are right.......... usually, when you know, you know. If you don't want to kiss him on date one - I mean we are not talking about marriage or babies here, just a kiss.... you probably never will want to. And most people who know what they are doing, like you seem to, have many first dates, fewer 2nd dates, and even fewer 3rds. When things are going right, it usually heats up around date 3 and you are heading into a relationship. Again, when you know, you know. Likewise, when you don't know - that means it's probably going nowhere.

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You are right.......... usually, when you know, you know. If you don't want to kiss him on date one - I mean we are not talking about marriage or babies here, just a kiss.... you probably never will want to. And most people who know what they are doing, like you seem to, have many first dates, fewer 2nd dates, and even fewer 3rds. When things are going right, it usually heats up around date 3 and you are heading into a relationship. Again, when you know, you know. Likewise, when you don't know - that means it's probably going nowhere.

 

I agree 100%. If you have to talk yourself into a date, it absolutely isn't worth it (especially as date 4 approaches).

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Considering dating is finding an emotional romantic partner. Date 1 is short just to see if I'm attracted and we can hold a conversation. If it goes to date 2 more relaxed. Date 3 I know if I want the person and hopefully it's a lot more comfortable. I wouldn't go with what your friends think or if they look great on paper. Go with what you think your the one that has to be with the person. Good luck

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For me, if I hit the 3rd date and haven't wondered what it'll be like with him naked, then it's not worth pursuing. What's the point?

 

You know he's not what you're looking for, you just don't want to cut off someone you know is genuinely a good person.

 

haha me too ...I put the vote in to go on another date only based on her saying she doesn't give people a chance ..but having read all of this , I must admit I personally would also know by now for sure if it was yes or no .

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Thank you all for taking the time to respond- I really appreciate it. You guys are great!

 

I've given it some thought and I think I'll go out on one last date to affirm the way I am feeling. Mainly because of how abrupt my feelings changed from date 2-3. If I still feel the same as I did on date 3, I will end it. If I'm back to how I felt after date 2, I guess I will reassess. But I think most of you are right, if I haven't truly felt it by now, it's probably not going to happen

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