He wants to take it slow physically

Hi, am new on here so thanks for reading my post.

I am a woman dating a man who wants to take it slow physically. We had about 12 dates so far, we text every day, he introduced me to his immigrant mom who made us dinner. We are both around 40 years old, both never married, no kids.

Recently I stayed at his place overnight, slept in his bed and was surprised when he fell asleep after 5 minutes and a brief kiss. Pajamas stayed completely on. I was disappointed he fell asleep so fast so I woke him up after a couple snores to ask if he thinks we are more friends than lovers. He said friends for now but he hopes it will turn into more. Said he wants to take it slow physically because he really likes me. Then he fell asleep again, snored more while I agonized for hours, wondering if I should break this off or not. This has never happened to me. Most men are eager for physical contact. So am I!

Is he gay? Is there any hope? I really like this guy (despite the snoring).

Thanks for your thoughts.

I would take it as a compliment that he truly likes you and wants to get to know you better and establish a relationship before adding sex in.

Lisa

Thanks Lisa for your response. I think you are likely right, it is probably a compliment and a good sign that he does not want to rush into anything. Neither do I, but I am used to a little more physicality than this. Regardless it does seem he is worth being patient for to see how things evolve. Thanks again for responding to my post.

Give him my number.

Girl, you need to recognize a good one when you have one!

Ha! Thanks Holly. You are probably right. No you can't have his number.

No he's not gay. He probably just respects you greatly and wants something long term.

I wouldn't worry much. Does he try anything at all? It doesn't have to be downright sexual. Hold you while in the bed? I don't see anything wrong with it if it was the first night. Not all men just go 4 it. As long as he's showing affection don't sweat it it will happen soon enough. Good luck

What a scumbag.

I don't like it. 40yo, 12 dates, being on the same bed and...a brief kiss and then sleep? It sounds more like an old married couple than a new relationship.

Intimacy isn't just about sex. Has he even kissed you 'properly'? Does he hug you? Hold your hand? Stroke your face, your hair, anything?

I know that, logically, some men out there will want to take things THAT slow but I haven't met anyone yet. The few I've met who behaved like that, had specific issues (from impotence to, yes, being gay and just wanting a woman to go out in public with/introduce to their family).

I'm not saying this is the case...I'm saying that I would also be sceptical if I were you.

I don't like it. 40yo, 12 dates, being on the same bed and...a brief kiss and then sleep? It sounds more like an old married couple than a new relationship.

Intimacy isn't just about sex. Has he even kissed you 'properly'? Does he hug you? Hold your hand? Stroke your face, your hair, anything?

I know that, logically, some men out there will want to take things THAT slow but I haven't met anyone yet. The few I've met who behaved like that, had specific issues (from impotence to, yes, being gay and just wanting a woman to go out in public with/introduce to their family).

I'm not saying this is the case...I'm saying that I would also be sceptical if I were you.

I agree. Something isn't right. If the two of them agree to sleep in the same bed for the first time (after 12 dates), it's not about falling asleep. Op, the idea of him being chivalrous is nonsense. If he didn't want to be physical, then he shouldn't have been sleeping with you.

There's a difference between "taking it slow", and not regarding "sex" as being an important part in being together. You need to have a talk with him, and find out where he stands on the subject (if the two of you are compatible in that area). It is no different than evaluating someone in the other areas of compatibility (finances, personality, children, religion,...).

Agree with miss marple. If it was 12 dates outside and not yet taking it to the bedroom, sleeping or otherwise, then I would agree he's likely just taking it slow. That would be my definition of taking things slow. To have already met the parents, and sleeping in the same bed, but just have a brief kiss and roll over to sleep is not normal to me in a new relationship and I wouldn't say that's taking it slow. I would agree with some of MM's guesses. Another one would be my own experience where someone I'd been dating for 5-6 months at the time and had already had sex with was behaving like this, we had mismatched sex drive and affection levels. He didn't think sex and affection was important in a relationship.

Also, saying you are friends for now but have you meet his mother and sleep in the same bed, isn't that mixed messages?

So... Yes I would definitely have a conversation if I was you.

Wow, a guy wants to take it slow and the first question is whether he is gay. Maybe, he just doesn't want to seem like all the other blokes around and wants you to see he values as a person rather than a sex object. Maybe he is self-concious. Talk to him about it, I'm sure he'd love to get physical if he knew you wanted to...

Is it possible he wants a relationship and you want a lover?

I agree wholly with Ms Marple and Soul.

Keknek. Something is not right. And what were you doing sleeping in the same bed as this man? What kind of message does that send.

Great to take it slow physically, but in general, and certainly in my experience what man doesn't try a few kisses, hugs, light-hearted stuff.

Do not get caught in a marriage or relationship where you are there as a front for appearances sakes....

I dated a man who waited a year. The views of others about this were damning. They needn't have been.

In my case, he would hold me in his lap, stroke my legs, kiss me deeply, and nothing further. Stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning but never sleep over or share a bed, until he was ready.

Regrettably, we were incompatible, as I came to see him as intimacy avoidant, and I came to see his views of sexuality as incompatible with mine. The year build up did not necessarily predict these outcomes, but was consistent with them.

I advise you have a conversation with him, much as you did, if you need assurance. Also, discuss ethics, lifestyle, gender roles. His intentions seem marriage oriented. Explore what that might mean, because you both have imaginations of what marriage might be like. I am betting there are some significant differences. His approach to you suggests he follows his cultural and familial expectations.

How big is this bed? If you have a question reach over and touch him. Either he will be aroused or he will run out of the room screaming he needs to go to target for hair conditioner. Either way u will have your answer.

It isn't the size of the bed. I am unable to understand why the two of them are in a bed together at all. Friends? I can't even imagine sleeping in the same bed (at the stage the OP is describing) with a man "friend". The two would need to be made of cold marble. L:

I'd think two things if that happened to me.

1) Is he waiting for his herpes sores to heal

2) Is he a-sexual

Not necessarily in that order.

I would not have another date with a man that did not want me "carnally" when I was sleeping in the same bed with him. I haven't and I never will, sleep in the same bed with a man just for chits and giggles and end up having ambiguous thoughts about his lack of libido or reasons for hiding his junk.

If he wasn't ready to be sexually intimate then he should have kept you out of his bed. NEXT! ... Unlike "Notalady" I'd just tell him that I didn't feel a connection (or anything else for that matter) and I'd wish him well in his dating .. bubbye.

How big is this bed? If you have a question reach over and touch him. Either he will be aroused or he will run out of the room screaming he needs to go to target for hair conditioner. Either way u will have your answer.

You shouldn't have to encourage a man in that way if you've had 12 dates and he's invited you to his bed.

"You shouldn't have to encourage a man in that way if you've had 12 dates and he's invited you to his bed."

You're tellin' me TWT. LOL.

Thanks so much everybody for your thoughtful responses. It is extremely helpful to have your perspectives. What a great forum.

Overall I agree this is something to talk over with him. You have helped me identify a lot of focus areas for discussion: mixed messages about intimacy, possibly mismatched sex drive, different expectations about showing affection, family and cultural considerations (he is from a conservative local Asian family, I am liberal and more independent), social expectations etc. Lots of food for thought and I think he would be open to talking with me about those subjects. He is a good listener, says he wants to work on our relationship together.

Indeed maybe I am the one here who is more ambivalent or less invested in a long term relationship. Never really thought about it that way but perhaps it is true. This whole situation is definitely triggering some commitment ambivalence in me. I thought about suggesting we date other people, since we are both coming off a long dry spell, but it doesn't seem right either.

The fact he introduced me to his mother indeed suggests that he is quite serious and marriage minded. I guess I am too, though this is moving in a sort of strange direction. The thought I may be serving as a front for appearances is chilling. He seems sincere though and I think he values me as a person. I definitely value him as well and we seem to have a pretty good friendship so far.

At least there is basically NO danger that he sees me only as a sex object. That is the silver lining I guess.

It is possible that he is self-conscious or insecure. I guess I am more physically attractive and he does talk about wanting to lose weight etc.

He did give me a nice hug in the five minutes before he fell asleep. We hold hands sometimes. We had one slightly more intense kiss one time when saying goodbye, but then he walked away fast.

Maybe he is shy? Also I noticed when we met his mom they did not touch each other at all, so maybe it is a cultural thing. He is completely Americanized though otherwise, born and raised here.

I should probably not jump to the conclusion that he is gay, not really fair at this point but still an unsettling possibility.

The truth will emerge over time. At least now I feel more focused and confident approaching this topic with him. Thanks for validating my doubts about this ambiguous situation which is maybe OK but sort of alarming. Will talk it over with him and find out if we are compatible or not, in this area and others. If things are still really stalling physically after discussion and a few more dates (or sleepovers, seriously!? actually will skip those until this is more sorted out) then sadly will have to take it as evidence of a mismatch. Physical contact is important to me, can only compromise to a certain point.

Thanks again for your help and support.

He said he sees you as a friend .

It's up to you if this works for you, but for me personally, I find this odd. It does sound just like being with a friend.

Aaahh Keknek. Yes, do have a chat with him by all means.

As for nice hugs, I get lots of those almost every day from friends and others.

A man is a man is a man, I don't care where he comes from. Lol. You, an attractive lady, you didn't notice any (shall we say) physiological response during that hug in the bed?

How did you meet this guy?

Thanks guys.

You're right, this is quite odd.

Hermes definitely has a point. Am looking for more than nice hugs.

We met online (eharmony) a couple months ago.

Thanks guys.

You're right, this is quite odd.

Hermes definitely has a point. Am looking for more than nice hugs.

We met online (eharmony) a couple months ago.

After only 12 dates having to have THAT conversation with a man seems rather desperate to me, but... to each their own.

This man is either a-sexual, or he doesn't feel a connection to you to begin or he was just looking for an "activity partner."

Why are you wanting to discuss with him a subject that if he was any ordinary virile man, would be a non-issue.

Sure take things slow but to not even initiate any sort of making out or showing that you get his motor running isn't a man that is likely going to EVER match your desire.

There are more men to women on dating sites. Surely you can find one that is less extreme... just like I'd be telling you if he was as extreme as to be trying to get you into bed for some actual action after only date one.

What draws you to him? This stoic, staid, unaffectionate man who introduced you far too early to his mother (another red flag)?