He wants to take it slow physically

[Matt3939]

U should have pulled my classic move. Just get naked. They might say what are you doing??? Just say I sleep in the nude. It's never not worked. It might not lead to sex but at least you can say something happened.

[Sportster2005]

Hi, am new on here so thanks for reading my post.

I am a woman dating a man who wants to take it slow physically. We had about 12 dates so far, we text every day, he introduced me to his immigrant mom who made us dinner. We are both around 40 years old, both never married, no kids.

Recently I stayed at his place overnight, slept in his bed and was surprised when he fell asleep after 5 minutes and a brief kiss. Pajamas stayed completely on. I was disappointed he fell asleep so fast so I woke him up after a couple snores to ask if he thinks we are more friends than lovers. He said friends for now but he hopes it will turn into more. Said he wants to take it slow physically because he really likes me. Then he fell asleep again, snored more while I agonized for hours, wondering if I should break this off or not. This has never happened to me. Most men are eager for physical contact. So am I!

Is he gay? Is there any hope? I really like this guy (despite the snoring).

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I find is behavior odd and peculiar. Sorry, a man should be wanting to rip your clothes off and mount you like a lion if he's even remotely interested. Trying to seduce your girlfriend and being a gentleman are not mutually exclusive.

 

I don't get it.

 

"Friends for now" ??? Ugh? Adult friends don't do sleepovers.

 

Find a man that wants to have sex with you. This isn't wanting to take it slow. It's bizarre.

[katrina1980]

 

.....a man should be wanting to rip your clothes off and mount you like a lion if he's even remotely interested.

 

LOL @ Sportster, straight shooter!

 

And 100% true (in my experience).

[Ms Darcy]

I think there is something to be said about cultural context and the person's own beliefs. What would concern me most is that you two are so different. He's more conservative and you are more liberal and independent. I think it would be worth having a conversation to understand where the two of you are.

[Keknek]

Wow this is so helpful, thanks you guys!

Before this I was expecting sex to be a non-issue since it has always been the easy and enjoyable part of new relationships and, let's face it, a major reason for dating in the first place.

This guy is very smart, kind, works in my industry so can understand me that way, is mature and responsible and loyal to his family, definitely has a lot of great qualities. I enjoy spending time with him generally. He is a good listener which I really appreciate.

However the seemingly asexual, unaffectionate stuff is real, too, and though I was flattered to meet his mom I do notice he is unusually attached to her (they visit frequently and she cooks ethnic food for him weekly, a cultural thing I think). He has some trouble seeing how involving his parent so early sort of puts pressure on; meanwhile my parents are far away, and I am not so close with mine.

So we may be mismatched on multiple levels. On the other hand, lots of this stuff could be workable.

Sexual attraction is non negotiable for me however. Luckily it is not actually difficult to determine if it is there or not.

Thanks to your help I am ready to exert a bit of pressure of my own here. Time to figure this out! Will broach this subject directly, probably not brave enough for the unilateral "just get naked" strategy (though if that didn't get the message across, nothing would) but you have encouraged me to stick up for myself in this critical area.

Who knows, he may rise to the occasion. (!)

[IAmFCA]

U should have pulled my classic move. Just get naked. They might say what are you doing??? Just say I sleep in the nude. It's never not worked. It might not lead to sex but at least you can say something happened.

 

Omg I do this. Naively. Because, it's just, true. Loll it never occurred to me that it is a MaOVE. Laughing.

 

 

The degree to which a certain fellow and I have miscommunicated might be gargantuan. Too funny.

[SoulTaker]

Omg I do this. Naively. Because, it's just, true. Loll it never occurred to me that it is a MaOVE. Laughing.

 

 

The degree to which a certain fellow and I have miscommunicated might be gargantuan. Too funny.

 

And, you don't know the effect it has on a man??? You must not do any cuddling in bed...

[westwardho18]

I wouldn't break it off talk it out with him tell him how you feel maybe he is shy about his body or is worried he might not satisfy you, opening up to him will build trust and open communication between you both anyway good luck with it

[Keknek]

Thanks everyone for your responses to my original post! Wanted to provide an update as things have since changed for the better.

After much further deliberation including reviewing your posts I did meet with him earlier this week, intending to probably break things off or at least suggestvwe see other people. To my surprise I felt a stronger mutual attraction and against my original intentions we planned for him to stay overnight yesterday.

Last night we had a long talk. I reminded him of the conversation I outlined in my original post, when he said we are just friends. It seems that night I must have woken him from a deep sleep since he was surprised and actually has no recollection of that conversation. He agrees friends do not sleep in each other's bed like that. He apologized for being inattentive that night. After talking some more, he confessed that he has been quite nervous and feeling insecure about the physical intimacy.

Long story short, things in that department are fine now, more "normal" and better aligned with the relationship overall. We are both more comfortable now.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and helping me out!

[Ms Darcy]

I didn't think there was a problem. Actually "cruzer" has a thread on the other side of this. It's very hard when the expectations around men and sex are so high, but there are men who are genuinely interested in a relationship and want to take things slowly (even while doing sleepovers).

 

That's why sometimes the best advice is to just to talk to that other person about it.

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks everyone for your responses to my original post! Wanted to provide an update as things have since changed for the better.

After much further deliberation including reviewing your posts I did meet with him earlier this week, intending to probably break things off or at least suggestvwe see other people. To my surprise I felt a stronger mutual attraction and against my original intentions we planned for him to stay overnight yesterday.

Last night we had a long talk. I reminded him of the conversation I outlined in my original post, when he said we are just friends. It seems that night I must have woken him from a deep sleep since he was surprised and actually has no recollection of that conversation. He agrees friends do not sleep in each other's bed like that. He apologized for being inattentive that night. After talking some more, he confessed that he has been quite nervous and feeling insecure about the physical intimacy.

Long story short, things in that department are fine now, more "normal" and better aligned with the relationship overall. We are both more comfortable now.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and helping me out!

Well, that's good for you then. Congrats.

 

For me, I wouldn't be comfortable with a man that needed goading to get physical with me. Taking it slow is one thing. Being indifferent is quite another. I will risk being called negative by saying be wary of him reverting to just wanting to cuddle. He seems to lack libido but only time will tell I suppose.

 

Have you ever heard of "The bait and switch?"

 

I do wish you are compatible and the improvement continues... Just giving you a heads up.

[Keknek]

Thanks for the heads up. No, I do not think you are being overly negative, just realistic since it is possible there is still a mismatch. Only time will tell.

[IAmFCA]

And, you don't know the effect it has on a man??? You must not do any cuddling in bed...

 

So want to talk smack right now!

[IAmFCA]

Thanks for the heads up. No, I do not think you are being overly negative, just realistic since it is possible there is still a mismatch. Only time will tell.

 

Only time will tell is a good reason to go slow. I have every speed in my repertoire, and when I go faster, I dump him faster - often because I feel unsatisfied with an imbalance that develops. So I try to go slow. But it communicates odd things about me, so it doesn't feel right either. None of it feels right. If i had my druthers, I'd have not so vanilla sex, almost every day. The not so vanilla and the daily habit are not what one associates with taking it slow, and that can lead me to a mismatch. otoh, go fast and I'm out of alignment and maybe not so serious a candidate for a LTR. There's no right answer, except one that helps keep me stable. To heck with whatever someone else assumes about me.

 

Flip my mini-rant on its head, and you have a good argument for getting this conversation out in the open. Good job that you did.

 

Good luck with it from here !