My girlfriends kids

Alright guys I have some questions and concerns.

The girl I've been dating for a while now finally introduced me to her kids. Her daughter is 10 and her son is 2.

Her daughter warmed up to me quickly, she's a blast and we have a lot of fun together. She's happy her mom and I are together.

Her son however.... he's 2, now I little to nothing about babies/toddlers. So far he's kind of a honestly. He doesn't like when his mom and I kiss, he comes whining and crying stealing attention, he doesn't even like when his mom is interacting with her daughter.. he'll whine and pout and get his way. Yes always screaming mommy mommy. Which is annoying. Yes really starting to tick me off. I just look at him and he looks at me like I'm stupid. I try to interact with him and play, get him toys ect.

From what i know of this father hers a total douche. His got some kind of manic disorder with previous drug and alcohol abuse. Treats there mom a fully. Doesn't pay child support yet demands to see his son when he wants too, like dude that's not how that works. He just recently found out about me too. I kinda wonder what he tells his son about me when he is with him...

Could it be I'm just freaking out? Is this how 2 year olds act? Need help y'all.

Yes I'm in love with their mom.. I wanna buy a house and take the kids with us and have a happy family, those kids need a real father figure in their lives. I wanna be that person. But I also don't want tension between her son and I. Because one day I will snap. I don't believe on violence or abuse.. me snapping would be me be yelling and whatnot NEVER ANYTHING VIOLENT.

I just want her son to like me/love me. Yes a cute kid... I'm just stuck.

HELP PEOPLE

Yup, very typical of this developmental age.

I just don't even know where to start so In gonna let others respond...

Most two year olds are attached to their mom.

I have a two year old nephew who is not only shy around me, but screams and cries when his mom leaves the room.

He also doesn't like when his four year sister is sitting on his mom's lap. He gets quite upset when her attention is taken away from him.

I don't know...this two year old's behaviour as referred to in your post sounds pretty normal, imo.

If you've never heard of " terrible two's " I would suggest looking it up . Two-year-olds are just starting to exert their independence and their own control of their life . And due to that they sometimes suffer from anxiety and separation anxiety . And don't forget his parents have broken up which causes a lot of problems for kids .

If you want to be a stepfather you better start learning something about young children . And if you think now is a disaster wait for the teenage years that's even more fun . Lol .I can tell you teenage girls are a real treat .

I would not suggest yelling at a toddler especially one that's not yours . If someone yelled at my toddler they'd be kicked out the door on the end of my shoe .

The kids' dad sounds exactly like my daughters' dad... I guess it's good to know there's another one out there just like him and I'm not crazy. Anyway, kids go through all kinds of stages. He'll get through it and start liking you. Just keep playing with him and interacting with him and you'll be in the family in no time at all.

Do you have much experience around kids? He sounds like a normal 2 year old.

...that’s a totally normal 2 year old.

He has no concept of what you and his mom “are”. Your just some guy. If dads not around he’s probably very attached to his mom, which is totally normal at that age.

Your girlfriend should get the courts involved. If he's not paying child support, the judge can cut his visitation rights.

Your girlfriend should get the courts involved. If he's not paying child support, the judge can cut his visitation rights.

Visitation and child support are separate issues. Usually visitation is only ended if there is child endangerment or abuse.

Even in the 70's my dad rarely paid his support and my mom still had to send us on our visits.

The way to get a little kid that age to like you is, you have to come to their level. Literally. Like, get on the floor and let him play. Kind of like, bad analogy, but like getting a shy dog to warm up to you. You just sit there calmly and help him play with whatever toys he likes. Look at what he gravitates towards. If it's a puzzle with big pieces and alphabet letters, or bright colors, let him pick up a piece and try to put it in place. Then, gently help him, and look at him with bright eyes and say, "You did it!!" as you help guide the piece into the right place.

Just let him be, with you literally by his side, and he will warm up to you. This might take some time, a few visits. You will find that when you are not sitting with him, he'll bring you that puzzle and ask you to do it with him. If/when he does this, again, sit on the floor with him, or if he has a little play table, sit at that with him, and play. Or if you go outside, and he wants to play a little ball, then sit a couple of feet from him, and gently roll him the ball.

Be enthusiastic and smiling, and high-five him. He will be eating out of your hand.

Right now, he's jealous that this new "big kid" is taking mommy's attention away. Normal, all normal.

Hmmm. No one else said it so I will. Whether he pays child support, his parenting skills, none of that is your business as a casual boyfriend. Not your business or concern, there is no reason to get you on board as an adversary before you're even a part of anything. Terrible way to 'start' a civil coparenting relationship. You're already at odds with the guy and you just met the kids, that's so beyond backwards. BTW until you see with your own eyes their dynamic you don't truly know what's going on behind closed doors so please don't jump in as captain save a single mom....

Second - respect these kids space, the woman you are dating is a mother first, period, so if her two year old wants you to back off on your FIRST meet, back off. Try again, slowly integrate yourself into their lives. And her kids are not 'stealing' time. Again she is a mother first.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off blunt that was the reason for my original post, just the amount of children who are thrown to the side, abused physically or sexually, the drama it's in the news daily, it's such a precarious thing introducing a new man or woman into a child's life and if the children aren't seen as the most important things, I don't know I just see red flags.

Hmmm. No one else said it so I will. Whether he pays child support, his parenting skills, none of that is your business as a casual boyfriend. Not your business or concern, there is no reason to get you on board as an adversary before you're even a part of anything. Terrible way to 'start' a civil coparenting relationship. You're already at odds with the guy and you just met the kids, that's so beyond backwards. BTW until you see with your own eyes their dynamic you don't truly know what's going on behind closed doors so please don't jump in as captain save a single mom....

 

Second - respect these kids space, the woman you are dating is a mother first, period, so if her two year old wants you to back off on your FIRST meet, back off. Try again, slowly integrate yourself into their lives. And her kids are not 'stealing' time. Again she is a mother first.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming off blunt that was the reason for my original post, just the amount of children who are thrown to the side, abused physically or sexually, the drama it's in the news daily, it's such a precarious thing introducing a new man or woman into a child's life and if the children aren't seen as the most important things, I don't know I just see red flags.

Absolutely. Very important. As a person who suffered horrendous child abuse at the hands of my paternal family anyone who is not interested in treating kids properly from the get go get out of my life fast.

Hmmm. No one else said it so I will. Whether he pays child support, his parenting skills, none of that is your business as a casual boyfriend. Not your business or concern, there is no reason to get you on board as an adversary before you're even a part of anything. Terrible way to 'start' a civil coparenting relationship. You're already at odds with the guy and you just met the kids, that's so beyond backwards. BTW until you see with your own eyes their dynamic you don't truly know what's going on behind closed doors so please don't jump in as captain save a single mom....

 

Second - respect these kids space, the woman you are dating is a mother first, period, so if her two year old wants you to back off on your FIRST meet, back off. Try again, slowly integrate yourself into their lives. And her kids are not 'stealing' time. Again she is a mother first.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming off blunt that was the reason for my original post, just the amount of children who are thrown to the side, abused physically or sexually, the drama it's in the news daily, it's such a precarious thing introducing a new man or woman into a child's life and if the children aren't seen as the most important things, I don't know I just see red flags.

On point.

Maybe not blunt enough.

Kids are people. Its appalling how we expect them to be receptive, friendly, give hugs, interrupt themselves to do something we ask... then wonder why it's so hard to teach them hands to yourself, follow their own good judgment, respect their bodies, stay focused on work...

we violate their boundaries, teach them to ignore their instincts, treat building blocks like its nothing but to them its enterprise yet we teach them to dismiss it... then wonder tsk tsk at the results. its so obvious to me.

He's just being a normal 2 year old. They're clingy at that age and cry at the drop of a hat. Just how it is - terrible 2s as one poster said here. I wouldn't worry. He will warm up soon enough. The kids I lived with my ex were shy at first but warmed up quickly. Don't take it personally. Just how kids at that age are.

OP

You want to help her son like you. Ok. We can do this. Its going to be hard.

Lesson 1

Just like with adults, but more so: Kids hate it when you want them to like you. They have champion b.s. detectors. Kids see you from the inside out. If you're angry, they know. Intuitively. They aren't processing it as data, but they have experienced you as anger, if you carry anger --- or as peacefulness, or gratefulness, whatever you've got --- inside you.

0 to 5 kids are attached to their parents. I mean, actually attached. They haven't yet processed that they are not attached, and then begin testing it out.

We tend to grow in stages that repeat in 5 year patterns. The more effective a parent is from 0 to 5, the easier it will be to manage 6 to 10, and again. Each time, the child/teen/ young adult is learning to trust, to attach emotionally, to use new physical, intellectual and or emotional skills, to be independent. Each step forward is scary, and usually is accompanied by a spring backwards to an even less mature behavior. We spring back to find security and finding it helps us learn that its okay to trust.

---

There is A LOT going on in that young boy's brain. He is just learning to connect actions with outcomes. How exciting! The nerve of you to anger at him as if he is your peer!

And this brings us to lesson 2.

It isn't about you. Ever. Even if it is, it isn't. The child needs to be first. Long discussion what this means. For example - you want him to like you.

Well, who gives a flying squirrel what you want? Its his house, his mom, his mood, and his gosh danged frustration. You've had decades of practice with your brain and body. He's had less than 36 months. He's got new words every day. New ways to use his hands. New ideas to express. New ways to use his facial muscles. Which word goes with which thing? Does mom say "Leave that alone" EVERY time I tough that? Why? Oh. That's why. Now I feel bad that its broken. I am ashamed. I want to help Ack I got yelled at for helping too. Wah what do I do?!

Every minute of his day is like this. He hasn't got time for you. But he will, if you sit with him and let him show you something he discovered. At HIS PACE. When HE wants to. If not, OK , maybe another time! you say with a happy voice. Let him invite you.

Lesson 3

You are his guest. Always.

stoppinghere. it's a lot to think about.

he comes whining and crying stealing attention,

He's not 'stealing' attention, and viewing it that way means you don't belong in this mix.

He's not 'stealing' attention, and viewing it that way means you don't belong in this mix.

Exactly, this is a tiny little child and this is his MOM. He is not stealing anything.

He's not 'stealing' attention, and viewing it that way means you don't belong in this mix.

catfeeder is right.

you're competing with this boy for attention.

his mother is his source of survival, security, life, validation, love, guidance. he knows when his turf is being threatened and he is doing the best he can to protect his place in the world.

you are a grown a man. let the 2 year old be the center of his mothers attention. for goodness sakes.

You're an arse...I'm sorry but you are. This is a baby and that's his mother. You have no right to be there, you do realize that, yeah? This baby on the other hand has every right and again..THAT IS HIS MOTHER.

This is how 2 year old's act. They are still learning how to deal with their own emotions and how to interact with people. They don't call it the terrible 2's for nothing.

You're gonna "snap"?? You better not snap around a little fellow like this and if you think you will, then you are no where near mature enough to be around children and should date women with no children.

I think you should not kiss his mother in front of him. Being "introduced" is one thing at this point - but you should not be romantically kissing her in front of the kids. back way off. The most important thing is stability for the children. That means no sleepovers when her kids are present and no romantic touching in front of them.

You're an arse...I'm sorry but you are. This is a baby and that's his mother. You have no right to be there, you do realize that, yeah? This baby on the other hand has every right and again..THAT IS HIS MOTHER.

This is how 2 year old's act. They are still learning how to deal with their own emotions and how to interact with people. They don't call it the terrible 2's for nothing.

 

You're gonna "snap"?? You better not snap around a little fellow like this and if you think you will, then you are no where near mature enough to be around children and should date women with no children.

how long has she been divorced? If her son is 2, it can't be long.

This little boy is being pushed and pulled by his dad who is trying to see him - and then there you are, snogging with mom. Its confusing as heck. For the sake of the little boy back off. If you meet her for a date, that's one thing, but hanging out at the house is something you need to dial back. The mental health of the 2 year old should be her main concern.

If you're going to "snap" at this very small child you absolutely should not get a house together.

If you're going to "snap" at this very small child you absolutely should not get a house together.

...or continue dating.

This poor child has been through enough, and you have no business to judge/snap at, or involve yourself in his issues. He's 2 years old, how old are you?