Considering breaking off the engagement

[Tom_Bombadil]

I've been engaged to my fiancee since x-mas eve. I was not able to buy her the engagement ring she wanted to due financial reasons. Nonetheless, the ring I bought for her is beatiful and by no means can be considered cheap. I dicussed this with her and she was alright with it.

 

Last night after getting home from work she calls me on my cell phone and asks me to stop by. When I arrive she pulls out a ring that was similar to the one I bought her, but with a thicker band and larger diamonds. She told me the ring was about 600 dollars more than the one she has, but I can get it for her at 100 dollars a month. I asked her if she was unhappy with the one she has and she admitted she was. I told her that It is the meaning behind the ring that matters, and not the ring itself. I also said that in a few years when we're already married I'll buy her another nicer one when we're financially stable. She got upset and said that many of the women she knows have rings with larger diamonds and that it should be because it's a symbol of our love. Angry and hurt, I left and went home.

 

This morning on the phone she tried to push it even further. I put my foot down and told her no because I simply can't afford it right now. She then said that she is going to take the ring back to the store and forget about it, and take her engagement ring off and put it in a box.

 

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Did I overreact by getting upset? I had always thought that the MAN was supposed to pick out the ring for his soon-to-be bride. Not the other way around....

[Zaphod]

I'd be out of there, personally. Plus it's only an engagement ring (temporary) not a wedding ring.

[EvaGina]

Selfish little moo...

 

"wha wha wha, I want a bigger ring becuase my friends one is bigger!!! Give it to me or Ill have a childish little temper tantrum" ?!!!?!!???

 

See, this kind of behaviour is why I generally dont like women.

 

What more can you do? You CANT afford it!! What a sly little cow, going out and getting it behind your back, trying to pressure you into it.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I distinctly remember your predicament with your girlfriend/fiancee a YEAR ago.

 

 

 

Nothing, my friend, nothing has changed in a year. I would sincerely re-think this whole engagement. I think she is more in love with the prospect of getting married and all the material things that go with it rather than loving YOU and what the word MARRIAGE means.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think you have the right to get upset. It is just a ring and the love behind it should matter more than the material item. It might be wise just to let things cool off for a day.

 

I would say this was a red flag though since you've made it clear that you don't have the money and she continued to push a useless upgrade.

 

Don't make this a MAN thing, that's not going to solve any thing just make the issue more complicated.

[Scout]

Hi, Tom...first and foremost, I want to commend you on having the plain common sense to put your foot down about not spending more on a ring than you can afford. That took backbone, and it was exactly what you should have done, in my opinion.

 

I am very, very sorry your fiance even introduced such a tacky problem. If Emily Post was alive and read your post, she would take that girl to task!

 

I take it your fiance thinks a big ring is more classy. Yet with her actions, she just revealed how truly classless she is. I'm sorry to say that, as I know you care about her. But reading about that honestly made me shudder.

 

Your fiance should also do some research on the diamond industry one day. It's one of the biggest rip-off scams ever. There is actually an oversupply of diamonds, yet the industry has created an illusion of these gems as rare. They aren't. Let's put it this way. If you bought a big diamond, then tried to resell it...you probably wouldn't even get half back what you originally paid.

 

In fact, it's the diamond industry who created the edict "Two months salary," in terms of what an engagement ring should cost, not any respected etiquette expert.

[Scout]

Hey there,

 

I distinctly remember your predicament with your girlfriend/fiancee a YEAR ago.

 

 

 

Nothing, my friend, nothing has changed in a year. I would sincerely re-think this whole engagement. I think she is more in love with the prospect of getting married and all the material things that go with it rather than loving YOU and what the word MARRIAGE means.

 

Ditto that. Consider this latest incident your last big warning sign from the heavens above, friend.

[Scout]

See, this kind of behaviour is why I generally dont like women.

 

Who is to say women like this aren't the minority, though? Look how many female posters on here are expressing outrage at his fiance's actions.

[kellbell]

Yikes. I will feel bad if these are two different women you are posting about.

[Batya33]

I hate to say to break up "because of" a ring but I think this speaks of far deeper problems.

[ebsmith1]

I'd say as someone else did that she is more in love with the idea of getting married, than being married. I think that this is a big problem and I'm not sure I'd want to marry this woman. I have been married once and engaged twice. My second ring was much larger and much nicer than my first, but I loved both rings and didn't care one bit about its size. I jokingly told my second fiance that my ring should be nicer than my first one, but I would have taken a ring from a soda bottle if he'd given it to me. He even offered to upgrade it later and I told him I was never taking it off. It's very selfish of her to demand a better ring and tell you that she was unhappy with the one you gave her to express your love. It sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do before she is ready to get married.

[EvaGina]

^^Yep, my engagment ring was about $130, it was silver and absolutely gorgeous, but very plain.

Who is to say women like this aren't the minority, though? Look how many female posters on here are expressing outrage at his fiance's actions.

 

I know, this is the kind of stereotypical gold-digging behaviour that I shoudlnt really take notice of. Its just disgracefull that it happens at all.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I know I see women with ridiculous big rocks and all I think about is the crap that will get stuck in the prongs, how long it would take me to clean the setting, and how all my rings end up oval shaped with missing stones in no time.

[Tom_Bombadil]

Yikes. I will feel bad if these are two different women you are posting about.

 

 

Nope. It's the same girl actually. Sometimes I think should have went with my gut instinct over a year ago and just let her go.

 

And Scout, forgive my ignorance, but who was Emily Post?

[Scout]

And Scout, forgive my ignorance, but who was Emily Post?

 

She was a famous etiquette expert.

[caro33]

I think that I would want to have my say about the ring I am to wear for the rest of my life. I had the primary role in picking mine, and we each paid half. So I don't necessarily agree with the man choosing the ring - it comes down to the couple.

 

But her behaviour here just does not seem justified. I'm with the others in saying she is not prioritising what's important (ie your relationship, your shared future) and she's throwing a tanty over something so apparently superficial.

 

I think that her approach is extremely mean-spirited. I would also strongly consider breaking off the engagement if I was you. You are being sent a powerful message from the gods here about this woman's priorities and her respect for you and what you have together.

 

Sorry mate. But there are far more reasonable and kind women out there for you I would think.

[kellbell]

Well,

 

There is still time to go with your gut instinct and leave with a CLEAN break. Divorce is SO costly, financially, emotionally, mentally. You will save so much NOW if you follow your gut. Don't mistakenly think things will go away or get better if you marry her. Things have not changed AT ALL since last year and I suspect you proposed to her due to her pressures and expectations. All reasons NOT to get married.

 

Breaking off this engagement will not just be about the ring. There have been issues since the beginning. I remember you posting about your fiancee pressuring you to propose. These issues have not gotten any better and now she is throwing a fit over a ring and whining like a 3 year old..."well all my other friends have bigger rings...." Wow, that must hurt. That shows you how she is into the wedding and not into what MARRIAGE means and does not appreciate it. Not the kind of person you want to marry.

[lizziebee]

Oh man, I cannot believe what I just read. You must be devasted. If my man gave me a cigar band I would wear it....Let me go further with this. To me there is nothing more romantic, thoughtful and loving than a man picking out the engagement ring without his intended's input. The idea that my ex husband, many many years ago picked out the ring by himself, stole into my jewelry box to bring one of my rings to his jeweler for size....We may be divorced but I will always think of him going to all that trouble(?) not the word I am seeking, but you know what I mean, I still get such a surge in my heart. The fact remains that this woman you proposed to is more interested in size than love...and believe me, just writing this to you is harsh and I do not mean to hurt you any more than you already are. Do you have any family near by? Anyone that can console you and not take sides...even though obviiusly I think you need some TLC desperately...I dunno, I cannot tell you or advise you to break it off....Its your heart, your head, your soul.

Let us know. Take care

[RayKay]

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Now, if you had gotten something you KNEW she would not like that is one thing. But considering you have discussed the ring beforehand, she knew your financial situation, and agreed it was fine.....this is tacky & classless behaviour.

 

The ring IS a symbol of your promise and your intentions; but that does not mean a smaller diamond means one is any less committed to it, or a bigger one that you are!

 

I have to be honest with you that I would absolutely trust what my boyfriend chose for me for a ring, I know he knows what I like, and I also know he needs to consider his budget as well.

 

I also DON'T go for big diamonds and flash, because it is very inconvenient for my lifestyle. If a "friend" ever even insinuated that the size/worth of it signified how much they loved me....I would look at them in amazement...because they don't get it! I am not saying someone whom likes diamonds is in the wrong of course, but that the selection of a ring is a personal thing, that involves many factors and not just one-upping her friends. This should be about you and her, and your life together...not her friends.

 

Now, if this is the same one that pressured the proposal, and now is pressuring about the ring itself, she is setting a pattern for how your entire life with her will be. When she wants her way...pressure. Is this really how you envision a healthy, happy marriage to be?

 

Sounds like she is more intent on keeping ahead of the Jones's rather than building a emotionally rich & happy life together.

[fnlyfrei]

My ring is very modest...but he chose the band...and the diamond is what he could afford. Before I got it he made me wear a ring of his...and told me that whenever I looked at it on my hand, to remember his love for me.

It shouldn't be a status symbol. It should represent that a person wants to spend the REST OF HIS LIFE with only YOU. When you are both dead and gone, do you think people are going to rave on about a stupid ring? No, if you have a relationship others only can dream of having...that is what people envy. Not a stupid ring...look at movie stars..Elizabeth Taylor had HUGE rocks on her finger...is she still married to ANY of them????? What difference did those baubles make?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

ummm, yeah, golddigger alert! also, a bit of an emotional blackmailer too, trying to make you feel guilty about the ring and refusing to wear it until you get her what she wants...

 

having said that, it is common for guys to buy a ring, but also common for couples to choose a ring together, or take back the original ring and swap it for something else if the woman had something else in mind... BUT, that doesn't mean she should expect you to buy her something more expensive if you can't afford it... if she had a problem with the STYLE and wanted to swap it straight accross for something else, that would be fine, but to demand something more expensive is tacky.

 

i've even known some women who go with their fiance to swap for another ring, and they end up with something LESS expensive, but to their own taste. so if she is hooked on you forking over cash to give her the status she desires with other people, then you will be repeating this year after year after year if you marry her, fighting over the cars you buy, the house, the furniture etc. etc.

 

so i say make one last offer to let her go swap that ring for something comparable, but WITHOUT you paying more because you can't afford it, and see if she is willing to do that. but if she is demanding something more expensive and blackmailing you over it, just tell her to keep the ring and trade it in on something she likes whenever she feels like it, but you are trading HER in for someone who loves you, not a golddigger. then run, don't look back...

[DN]

My advice is to break off the engagement but do whatever it takes to get the ring back even if that means being slightly devious.

[melrich]

It's pretty average behaviour by her. Would you say that behaviour is typical of her? Were you surprised by her response?

 

If it were me, I'd also be thinking about whether or not this person was the right person for me. It just displays such a lack of consideration.

[sandyv]

I think thats awful, when I've been in love, anything from someone I loved would have made me very happy, and I'd never need a rock. I think maybe you'd better take some time before taking vows with this kind of person, she will more than likely walk all over you if you allow her to do this to you now. Sorry, I know you must love her, but that kinda love is the killing kind..

 

Be careful...

 

Sandy

[i1dr]

If I ever buy another ring I will make sure it's off of a good cigar. That way I will cross of one aspect of someone that I know I could not tollerate - the love of impressions over love itself. I'm sorry to say - but I would never marry a woman that showed even a small thread of that kind of attitude. It only goes downhill quickly after marriage if there is not true love behind it. Not true love of big rocks.