Living Together Before Marriage - Your opinions please!

[ImThatGirl]

This is something that's been on my mind for awhile.

 

I've been through different phases of my opinion on this.

 

What is your opinion of people living together before marriage?

 

I've lived with people and even had my children without being married. I used to think it was a good idea so you could see if you are "really" compatable with someone.

 

Over the years, I've realized that people don't have a problem with playing house but just because they live with you doesn't mean they are really interested in living with you forever and getting married.

 

Since I've had my children, living together first is not an option. My children need routine and structure and I will not subject them to guys in and out of our lives and home.

Living together before marriage to try it out seems rediculous to me. I've been known to tell people up front that living together without marriage is not an option. Most of those guys disagreed with me and ran for the hills. That was okay with me - that meant they weren't truly interested in my mind.

 

To me, I think that if two people are truly in love, they would not want or need a "trial" of living together. If two people are truly in love and serious about marriage and committment, then getting married before living together shouldn't be a problem...... ?

 

Please share your opinions! Do you agree with living together first? What is the reason for living together first?

[Beec]

I think marriage is about committment and love as is described in my signature. It's not about trials with compatibility.

 

If you are not committed to a marriage, it does not matter how long you've been together.

 

If you don't love, if you don't do what is in your partner's best interests, then you don't have much of a marriage.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I agree with a lot of what you wrote. I think that if people are ready for marriage, and feel that their choice in partners is correct, cohabitation is not a necessity.

 

For others though, it might just be to answer the question "What is they [grammar bad on purpose] like when I'm around all the time?" Like you said, a trial. Perhaps its a sort of pragmatism; to know that while love is fantastic, it alone will not solve all the problems in a relationship. Seeing that person on a daily basis might give more supporting information to the idea that a person is marriage material.

 

I think that you can know this information about a person without living together, but the act itself isn't bad.

 

I think cohabitation can slow down the process of marriage for people. If you've got a majority of the benefits of marriage (this can be argued) why get married?

 

I lived with my ex because she was out of state, and it was how we could be closer together. Eventually we got married, then divorced, but I don't think cohabitation played a role in that.

 

For me now, I wouldn't only live with a gf if I knew marriage was in the picture, perhaps only after I proposed.

[Batya33]

As a woman I would not live with someone unless we were engaged with a wedding date within 6 months or less (preferably less!). I lived with someone once for 10 days which went very well logistically but we postponed then cancelled the wedding (nothing to do with what happened in those 10 days). My decision then was because the wedding was in the next 2 months and with rents so high in our city it made no sense to delay further. I agree that you learn a lot about a person from living together (even spending weeknights or weekends sleeping over) but I also believe that the marital commitment should mean that you will work through those issues.

 

 

I am opposed to people living together where there are children living in the home. I believe that gives a bad role model for children where the parents are not married to each other and because it's easier to break up without needing a divorce there is a greater risk of instability for the kids, who typically get attached to the new person.

 

Just my humble opinions!

[rocio]

There are things you can't know about a person before you live together. Division of household chores, annoying habits, ways of dealing with finances, etc. And it would be great if love were enough to conquer all of the little, day-to-day stuff. But in reality, I think it's incompatibility in these things that end up driving couples apart.

[BornToResist]

It's funny you brought this up because I've been thinking about it alot.

 

I always thought it was a better idea to live together first. Always. I lived with my bf and his daughter and had no problems with it whatsoever. I encouraged my friends to do it before tying the knot and everything.

 

But...now I'm going to be a mom. I doubt I will EVER live with anyone again until I'm married. It just doesn't seem like a good idea anymore.

 

There are perks, definetely, and I'm glad I got to cohabitate before just jumping in and getting married because I learned a lot of what I need out of a potential partner. But I realize now that I can do that from the comfort of my own home and I will never subject a child to living with someone.

 

My ex's daughter did not understand this concept and would constantly tell me that since we "lived together, it was like we were familiy, so are we family?" Seriously, how do you answer that? And it was terrible moving out...she dealt with the obvious stress that was there (even though we refused to fight in front of her) and then she still can't comprehend that I'm gone, or why.

 

Anyways that's kinda besides the point. I think that while it has it's perks, it's just not for me anymore. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I didn't have a bun in the oven though.

[Batya33]

There are things you can't know about a person before you live together. Division of household chores, annoying habits, ways of dealing with finances, etc. And it would be great if love were enough to conquer all of the little, day-to-day stuff. But in reality, I think it's incompatibility in these things that end up driving couples apart.

 

My parents have been married 51 years and did not live together, same with my sister who was married for 20 years, and for my high school friend who will be married 20 years in June. In all cases there were kinks to work out on all those issues and they did. Love does not conquer all but a sense of commitment can. Consider that the rate of divorce is higher for those couples who live together first, which somewhat calls into question your theory.

[luvursmile]

I'm kinda old fashioned so I dont like the idea of living together. I have no problem with people that do it. I'm a hopeless romantic, I believe in marriage & happily ever after and all that stuff.

You have to be ready for it though. Marriage IS NOT an easy thing!

[BellaDonna]

What is your opinion of people living together before marriage?

 

I did so, but only after engagement. I think it all depends on your goals, etc. I think sometimes, if you live together first with no plans for marriage (and marriage is indeed desired by one of the partners) it could lead to some potential conflicts. It's easy to get comfy and cozy with just living together.

 

It really depends on what the couple finds works best for them. I think the couple needs to be clear on A.) what their goals are for the future B.) if moving in is being seen as a STEP toward something more: such as marriage or lifetime commitment or C.) If moving in will be the last step.

 

BellaDonna

[arwen]

I do want to live together with my bf-- not for a trial but waiting to have enough money to get married. We already stay over at each other's places for longer times (month, a few weeks) and went on vacation together. All is a bliss. I think if I am not ready to get married, I also am not ready to live together. So, I'd live together if there is the intent to get married- but I wouldn't start a family without being married. At the moment, I am happy with what I do now- we are forced to be apart by the jobs in different sides of the country and the future of our careers will ultimately be the main factor of when we get married or start living together.

 

Arwen

[ImThatGirl]

My parents have been married 51 years and did not live together, same with my sister who was married for 20 years, and for my high school friend who will be married 20 years in June. In all cases there were kinks to work out on all those issues and they did. Love does not conquer all but a sense of commitment can. Consider that the rate of divorce is higher for those couples who live together first, which somewhat calls into question your theory.[/QUOTE]

 

Batya, do you have a resource with the statistic that divorce rate is higher for those that live together first? (Not questioning it but would like to have access to it!)

[rocio]

Love does not conquer all but a sense of commitment can.

 

Not necessarily. That's an idealistic and unrealistic approach. In some cases, it can. In other cases, it is simply not enough. I have known several couple who did not live together before marriage and are now divorced.

 

Consider that the rate of divorce is higher for those couples who live together first, which somewhat calls into question your theory.

 

I question those statistics. It is easy to pull statistics out of space, but they don't necessarily take into account other factors which influence the relationship between living together and divorce.

[DN]

link removed

 

Extract

• Just over 50% of first cohabiting couples ever get married.
  
• In the United States and in the UK, couples who live together are at a greater risk for divorce than non-cohabiting couples.
  
• Couples who lived together before marriage tend to divorce early in their marriage. If their marriage last seven years, then their risk for divorce is the same as couples who didn't cohabit before marriage.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you are being idealistic about love, because love does not keep a partner in your life. Commitment keeps a person in your life, if a couple is committed to staying together then they will but love is a different idea completely. People can stay together for different reasons and none of those reasons can do with love. When people say that such and such have been married 20-60 years, I first think that these two people are committed to stay together not that they have a "perfect" relationship or even a loving relationship.

As far as your situation goes since you have kids you should not move in with a guy or have him move in until you know that you want to marry this guy and that he wants to marry you. As for myself I would have to live with someone before marriage and I am not talking about living with them just to kill time but to actually figure out if I can live with them and If I could deal with them day in and day out.

[rms8]

Everyone has a lot of good points. I feel like there's no need to live together until you both know (and have discussed) that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. I'm young but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend so we plan on moving in together once we graduate. I don't think I'll be ready to get married at that point but I know I want to marry him. I don't think there is anything wrong with this.

I totally understand your argument in reference to couples who aren't really sure if they want to marry their SO and are going to live together as a test of sorts. I don't really understand doing that but I definitely don't think there is something morally wrong with living together out of wedlock. That seems really old-fashioned (but if that's you, then you have every right to live your own life that way). But you are definitely right about living together and having it not work out having a big effect on your life, much more so than a regular breakup.

[DN]

My sister and her husband lived together for three years before marrying. They celebrated their 20th anniversary last year. My wife and I lived together for a few months after our engagement and before we married. Married 32 years (today).

 

But that is just two couples and the link I posted above seems to show that statistically there is a greater chance of divorce.

 

It is also interesting that apparently people who have arranged marriages and barely know their partner before the wedding also have a much lower divorce rate but that is perhaps explained by religion and culture.

[shikashika]

I agree with you, I'm that girl..

 

I think i'm pretty open minded when to comes to most things in a relationship... it has nothing to do with sex for me.. ( i think I'm pretty open minded about that part... ha ha)

 

I also agree with the fact that its all about playing house... its like saying' I don't quite know if I like you.. lets play for a bit..

 

it also tells me that if someone just wants to test the waters and then back out if they have that option, then they really aren't too sure anyway.

 

it also tells me a lot the person's idea of commitment and sticking with things when the going gets tough.. It is saying "I want the option of backing out'

 

There are things that are going to happen in ANY marriage that will make the person want to leave. I think, the kind of person that wants to test things out first doesn't want to have to stick with plans or learn to compromise or learn to deal with the other differences.

 

In any marriage, no matter how much love and compatiblity and the abity to work things out there is.... there are going to be times when its very tough...

 

In the marriages that last, people know they have to work with those 'annoying things'.. thats what marriage is about, in my opinion, learnging HOW to work with those differences.. not deciding if you're going to leave or not.

 

if there any doubts, (which obviously people have as they want to test it out first, or are 'not ready', not quite ready to commit) then I think people should NOT live together first

[shikashika]

My sister and her husband lived together for three years before marrying. They celebrated their 20th anniversary last year. My wife and I lived together for a few months after our engagement and before we married. Married 32 years (today).

 

But that is just two couples and the link I posted above seems to show that statistically there is a greater chance of divorce.

 

It is also interesting that apparently people who have arranged marriages and barely know their partner before the wedding also have a much lower divorce rate but that is perhaps explained by religion and culture.

 

you know what?

 

Sometimes I think arranged marriages are the way to go.. because you HAVE to learn how to work on things

[BellaDonna]

I'm not at all against living together before marriage, but I tend to think that some people move in far too quickly and for all the wrong reasons.

 

I've seen many a friend move in on a whim and end up in a homeless crisis months or years later. When there is a break-up in these situations, not only is your heart broken ,but you're face with the added stress of moving, trying to find a place to live fast, and just major upheaval in general.

 

I think people need to be very cautious about who they choose to move in with. I think it's a decision almost as major as marriage.

 

 

BellaDonna

[chigal28]

Hmmm, this is a really tough question, and I wish I knew the answer.

 

I had been dating a guy for two years when we graduated college, and we decided to live together, which we did for two years, then broke up. My mom thinks if he and I hadn't lived together, we might have ended up getting married...who knows? I DO know that living with him opened my eyes to aspects of his personality that would have surfaced eventually, but maybe not until it was too late (ie. until we were married, which would actually have been a huge mistake). I didn't have that deep-down knowledge when we moved in together that THIS IS IT, this is the man I want to marry...I guess I was hoping that would grow over time, but it didn't. I'm SO glad I didn't marry him--living together, we discovered very important, deep-seated compatabilities and approaches to life that might not have been apparent until too late, as I said.

 

Now....I've been with my current boyfriend for a year (was close friends with him for years first), and we moved in together a couple months ago. To me, the difference in this case is that I KNOW this is the man I want to spend my life with, and living together is the next step in the "process," if you will. I know he wants to marry me, and right now it's a financial consideration, more than anything.

 

But I do wonder--is having me there, already, every day, going to make him lose his incentive to save up for a ring? If another year goes by and we're not engaged, I'll really begin to think it's because we lived together...that by offering him the comfortable, cozy home life he wants without a ring, I'm giving him no reason to scrimp and save to buy one. I don't know. I'm interested in all the thoughts posted on this thread.

[ImThatGirl]

Day Walker - I agree - Commitment is the key.

 

Shika - You put all my thoughts into words.

 

Thank you all for all your points! I'm not considering living with anyone before marriage. I refuse! I just wanted to see if anyone else felt the same way.

 

What I've gathered is that often people that want to try it on for fit (live together first,) seem to be the people that feel marriage can be tried on as well. Marriage is about working through all the minute issues - about having a common goal and commitment. Marriage is supposed to be forever. I honestly don't believe in divorce. (Unless there is severe abuse that cannot be resolved.)

 

At this point in my life, I feel capable of working through any issue I'd have within a relationship. That's the way it has to be or marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

Shika - I know many people would say we are crazy but I have often thought arranged marriage is the way to go as well. Honestly though, I think if divorce wasn't as acceptable in society today, people would make wiser decisions on who they marry and would work through the problems.

[flower99]

In a psychology class they taught that the divorce rate is much higher with couples who live together before marriage.

For the reason - you practice marriage without the commitment.

[Batya33]

link removed

 

Extract

• Just over 50% of first cohabiting couples ever get married.
  
• In the United States and in the UK, couples who live together are at a greater risk for divorce than non-cohabiting couples.
  
• Couples who lived together before marriage tend to divorce early in their marriage. If their marriage last seven years, then their risk for divorce is the same as couples who didn't cohabit before marriage.

 

 

Thanks. I found the following - I am familiar with Whitehead but did not read through the entire article:

 

link removed

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for the links!!!! You are all awesome!

[Batya33]

Not necessarily. That's an idealistic and unrealistic approach. In some cases, it can. In other cases, it is simply not enough. I have known several couple who did not live together before marriage and are now divorced.

 

 

 

I question those statistics. It is easy to pull statistics out of space, but they don't necessarily take into account other factors which influence the relationship between living together and divorce.

 

Thanks for critiquing my approach as "idealistic and unrealistic." I'd pass that along to my grandparents too, who were married 62 years but they are no longer with us. I am glad I have personal experiences and statistics on my side although I for one don't need to tell someone else she is wrong in her thinking.

 

As for arranged marriages (in response to Imthatgirl's thoughtful post) I agree that if the community or religious practices follow that approach they can work out just as well as a marriage based on romantic love. The trick, I think, is that the people involved need to have been brought up in that type of community and have expecations about marriage that are more consistent with marrying a near-stranger than marrying for romantic love.