I need help! My cheating almost ex-husband is back!

[AWomanScorned]

This is my first time using this forum.

A friend of mine comes here and said that you all are great at administring helpful advice to troubled people.

 

Right now I am terribly troubled.

 

I'm in a situation that has me emotionally distraught.

 

I met my husband when I was a 19-year-old sophomore in college.

At the time he was a 22-year-old senior on the verge of graduating.

 

We started a courtship which resulted in me leaving college my Junior year to marry him.

 

I was so madly in love with him that I would have gone naked to Siberia if he had asked me too. So, like a damn fool, I said yes.

 

He graduated with an engineering degree. He made more than enough to take care of us both. But I am an independent minded woman. So I continued my education, while working part-time, as administrative assistant.

 

My husband encouraged me in all that I did.

 

He treated me like a queen and I adored him!

We went on trips to the Caribbean twice a year. He brought me flowers and candy for no other reason than just to say I love you. For two years there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't feel passionate about him.

 

 

But three years later, at the ripe old age of 23, the floor dropped right out from under me. My life collapsed.

 

I came home from work oneday and he was nowhere to be found.

 

At first I thought someone had broken into the house; his clothes, suits, and several personal items that I had given him were gone!!!

 

So I called his firm and asked had they seen him.

 

The secretary told me that he left at the sametime he always did.

 

My mind started racing. I kept worrying. So I called the police. They told me if he didn't show up in 48 hours to file a missing person's report.

 

Afterwards I immediately start checking our joint savings account and low and behold over half of the money is gone! By this time I really thought someone had kidnapped him. So I went to the bank branch that we frequent and the manager told me that he took out some money for a vacation with ME!!!

I told her that she was wrong. We didn't have any vacation planned.

 

So I called the job back up and asked them the samething. The two of them said that we were supposed to be on vacation!

 

So the next day I payed a private investigator to find out somethings.

 

Well, after two days, I found out that he had been having an affair with a female co-worker for a little over a year!

 

I felt like someone stabbed me with a butcher knife multiple time.

 

I felt the air leave my body.

 

I went home and started screaming! I stayed in bed for days.

 

And days turned into weeks before I finally had to get up and go back to work or else lose my job.

 

I found out that he had taken this tramp to live with him in Barbados.

 

I didn't know anything! I didn't even have an inkling!

 

He just packed up everything and left!!!

 

I went through so many changes in the next five years.

 

I had to sell the house because I could no longer afford it, and I moved in with my mother who kept me from committing suicide.

 

I was in such a horrible state that I wouldn't even consider a divorce.

 

I naively thought he would come back to me.

 

I loved him so much that I was willing to give him another chance after what he did!

I began counseling for the next year and a half and, slowly, I was able to get some of my sanity and self esteem back.

 

And this year I have finally started the precedings to divorce him so that I can move on and start a new life.

 

For five years I haven't heard or seen him.

 

Then, one night, I get a phone call from a hospital in this state.

 

My soon to be ex, and his other woman, were both in a terrible car accident. The crash killed her instantly while he escaped with several broken bones and a serious concussion.

 

If felt like I was zapped right back into the whole fiasco. As I type this I still can't believe. As much as I wanted to hate him I am still having mixed emotions.

 

I went to the hospital to see him and he was in a lucid state. All I could feel was rage. I love him but I wanted to kill him at the sametime.

 

He said a few things to me, that I barely remember, but I didn't say anything back. I only remained a few minutes before I ran back out and went home.

 

Now the doctors are calling me because, technically, we are still married and they need for him to stay with someone while he recuperates. He needs rest and physical therapy to get well. He has no family in this area, and all of his relatives are either dead or extremely old.

 

That leaves me.

 

I need advice because I don't know what to do. I hate this man for everything he did to me and I just want him out of my life. But I am still in love with him, and in some sick twisted way I would take him back.

 

I thought I had gotten over him but I haven't.

He ruined so much of my life with his lies!

I am so angry and confused right now. After I thought I had gotten my life back together it seems to be shattering again. I have been through every emotion, and now I am going through them again.

I want to know how could he do what he did to me. I want closure. I can't take this.

 

Please, I need help. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes!

 

~Persephone~

[avman]

Oh wow. That is quite some story.

 

Well I certainly would advise you not to take him back. After all, he left you without a word and made no effort to try to contact you all this time. You've already filed for divorce, so you are not under any obligation to care for him or give him a home while he recuperates. Simply tell the hospital that you are in the middle of a divorce and living with you is simply not an option. They will have procedures to follow when a patient has no family and nowhere to go.

 

I understand you still have love for him. It's ok to recognize that. You did marry him after all and there were plenty of good times. But you also need to recognize that the relationship is over. You need to finish the divorce and move on. Love yourself enough to move on.

 

You also might want to schedule a few more sessions with a counselor to talk about this whole situation. This is a lot of stress and you are going to need all the support you can get.

[Süsser Tod]

After 5 years I can't see any reason why a divorce could take more than a couple of months to be final. Go visit him, greet him, get him to sign the papers and kiss your past goodbye.

 

Karma got him, real bad. But that is not of your bussines.

[Blue Skittles]

I feel bad for what you are going through. It truly is a tragic situation. Personally, if it were me, I would leave him there at the hospital. You don't need to suffer through taking care of him. Why should you? After all the love you gave him he turned around adn went off with another woman, and even if he is in a critical situation you don't need to be the one to pick him back up. I know your emotions are high but honestly, if you stay with him and help him through this you will end up mixed up again, and do u really want to go through more pain all over again. I would sign up for counselling again to try to work through your emotions but I think you need to take care of yourself - yourself is #1 and do what is best for YOUR future and for YOUR life.

[yeawutever]

He sure got pay back in the most horrible possible way and the woman he thought he was gonna spend the rest of his life during all those years is dead. It is normal that you still somewhat missed him, but after 5 years off disappearing without any word and proceeding on the affair, not even contacting you again, I don't see why would there be any need to get back with him. Like others have suggested, you're doing the right thing in filing for divorce, you don't have to take care of him, leave that to those in charge of the hospital.

 

When he recuperates, just make sure you have the divorce paper ready for him to sign and give him the last good bye kiss saying "I'll miss you and hope you get better, bye".

[AWomanScorned]

Thank you all.

 

Your advice is appreciated.

 

The biggest issue I'm having is wanting to know why he did it. That question has haunted me for the last five years.

 

I want to rage, scream, and tell him how he messed me up!

 

Healing was so much simpler when I thought he was never coming back. Now here he is again.

 

I'll be rescheduling a visit to my therapist while I sort through this. I am very confused right now.

[DN]

What do you want to happen?

 

If you could wave a magic wand and get what you want - what would that be. (But you can't change anything that has already happened)

[yeawutever]

At this point screaming at him and questioning him for doing what you did won't help you at all, esp. since that's been 5 year ago long forgotten when he never came back again and since the divorce is getting filed, he's gonna be your ex husband, thus it would be useless bashing on him, that's only when people wanna work it out, in your case you don't.

 

If you really feel angry, just tell him "I hope you don't end up hurting another girl in the future and know what it means to be in love", good luck with your next girl.

[Blue Skittles]

the reason he did it is because he did not have any RESPECT for you... if he had an OUNCE of respect he would have let u in on what was going on and why he was taking off out of nowhere.

[AWomanScorned]

It is so difficult being inside the situation. But seeing it from the collective perspectives of outsiders is very beneficial.

 

I know that I don't need this man back in my life. As much as it hurts I am not going to make the same mistake twice.

 

I still have to get him to sign the divorce papers, whether he will or not is anyone's guess.

 

I just have to stop remembering the man I married and focus on the jerk that left me with nothing.

[Slacker]

Five years ago he turned a blind eye to your suffering, i'd call this a perfect chance for you to do the same. I don't advocate hating him, in fact, if you forgive him it will help you keep peace. Let what he did to you go, for your own sake, then let him go -forever.

[theantibarbie23]

Karma has gotten him back pretty good. He is posion. His words will be meaningless because he is a filthy liar thereforeeee talking to him will bring you no real closure.

 

Tell his doctors you are not his family. He gave up the privilidge to have you in his life the moment he turned his back on you and left you to rot and die. This man is sadistic and evil. Stay away from him and don't look back.

[Aurian]

I know what it is like to love someone who treated you badly. But at times like this, you have to turn off your heart and your feelings and listen to your head.

 

You have no responsibility for this man.

 

You want nothing to do with this man, who not only left you, but didn't even have the decency to say he wanted to leave! That is selfish and egosistical to the extreme. He probably simply doesn't have empathy, period, to tell him that he should tell his wife he wants to leave.

 

The hospital should have proceedures in place should someone be in your EX-husband's situation as an above poster stated. You should not feel like you have to accept responsibility.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry for what you went through. BIG HUGS!!!!

 

I also agree with the other posters...Karma got him real bad. Of course I do not wish harm or hurt on people like that but still. He got his just desserts and got it all in spades. You did not have to do anything.

 

He is NOT your family anymore. He deserted you. In the worst way possible. I know you still care and feel love for him. Understandably so BUT you need to love yourself too. He turned his back on you and left you in the cold. He is no longer your responsibilty. You are only married because a piece a paper says so. Divorce him and cut him out of your life for good.

 

Again, I am so sorry for your ordeal. Keep talking to us and we are here for you when ever you need us.

 

(((hugs)))

[DN]

For two years there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't feel passionate about him.

 

But three years later, at the ripe old age of 23, the floor dropped right out from under me. My life collapsed.

 

Is there a year in here when things were not so good between you. If so, may I ask what happened?

[FoxLocke]

Sweetie,

 

I just want to give you a bit of advice. Whenever you start thinking about the times he wined you, dined you, took you on trips, and bought you flowers, just stop. Instead of remembering those times pontificate upon the five long years of hell that he left you in.

 

This man is no damn good. And I doubt that a tragic accident such as you described will give him a change of heart either. He left you high and dry without a life preserver. That is, as Dr. Phil might say, a drop dead deal breaker for any relationship. This man didn't have the common decency to tell you, HIS WIFE, that he was leaving! I mean this was diabolical to say the least. He cleaned out your bank account and left you on the same day!

 

I think he is a sociopath, and mark my words, he will try and lure you back in and manipulate you.

 

This is your big test. You have to turn your back on him and walk AWAY. He was not there for you and he probably never gave you a single thought during his "vacation" in Barbados.

 

As everyone has pointed out what he did to you came back to him in a major way. It is tragic that the mistress died and now he's injured, but it is no reason for you to go down this path again. If you take him in he'll manipulate you. And if he does you will have no one to blame but yourself. Back then you were young and naive. Now you KNOW what he is capable of. PLEASE, don't go back to him or open yourself up for another betrayal. There are other men out there, good men.

 

Find the strength in yourself to let go. Divorce him!

[mgirl]

Sweety,

 

You are still young and time to find somebody else, and fulfill those dreams of having children if you want.

 

Do you want to take back this man and risk him leave you for another yet again? What if he leaves you when you're 35, once you've given up so much of your time for him? What if he strings you along with the promise of children and then leaves you when you're in your 40s or 50s?

 

You may or may not ever find out "why" he did what he did. He may tell you, but how will you ever be sure he is telling the truth? How will you know he is not giving you a reason to get you back in his life, or because he wants to spare himself the responsibility of actually being truthful?

 

In my experience, the truth becomes evident with time. Once you are far enough removed from the situation, you can usually see it for what it is. If he wooed you the way he did, it sounds like he is an insincere gigalo.

 

I had a situation where i wanted closure, and now, 10 years later... i have it. It took a long time, but the further away from it i was, the clearer it became.

 

Oh, another thing, he was with the woman he left you for right up until he was injured. What does this tell you? Do you really think he would be able to have a healthy relationship straight away? "But it was always you"... he would probably tell you!

[annie24]

You know, the second he left, he effectively divorced you. He took his stuff, half the money, took off with another woman. THAT was the divorce. What you have now is just the paperwork.

 

When people take their marriage vows, and say, "in sickness and in health..." not only are they promising to stand by their partner, but they are saying that they want to be taken care of this person, should anything happen.

 

When he left you, he effectively nullified that vow to you, and instituted this new woman as his life partner, though sickness and in health.

 

He has been gone long out of your life. And had this accident never happened, he would still be on the island with this woman.

 

Anyways, he is not your husband.

 

Tell that to the hospitals, and tell them they have to find a new guardian.

 

REMEMBER, don't feel bad. Even though the circumstances are tragic, and DEFINATLEY, karma in action, he already made his choice about who would be his caretaker, and he didn't choose you. so you owe him nothing now.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

we are here for you. please continue with the divorce proceedings.

[annie24]

It is so difficult being inside the situation. But seeing it from the collective perspectives of outsiders is very beneficial.

 

I know that I don't need this man back in my life. As much as it hurts I am not going to make the same mistake twice.

 

I still have to get him to sign the divorce papers, whether he will or not is anyone's guess.

 

I just have to stop remembering the man I married and focus on the jerk that left me with nothing.

 

a divorce doesn't have to be mutual.

 

after all, he took off for an island with another woman 5 years ago. that's more than enough grounds for a divorce.

[yeawutever]

Right on Annie, he had already divorce a longt ime ago when he chose the other woman as his partner over her. Cheaters like that, certainly will end up lonely with no one to take care of them, that's what he's getting now.

[ChrissyV]

First of all, I'm very sorry you had to go through all that. No woman deserves to have a man do that to her.

Your mixed emotions are natural. I, too, have been in situations where someone totally used me, took advantage of me and disrespected me, yet I still felt connected to them. (That kind of stuff makes you question your own sanity sometimes, but try to nip it in the bud.)

This guy is a jerk. You need to get him out of your life and move on. Don't fall for any slick lies he may attempt to feed you.

Any nice normal sane man would not never have done that to you. So don't waste your brain cells on trying to figure out "why." Just dismiss him as a scummy loser. Jerks like him do whatever fits their fancy without regard for anyone else. You'll never understand why because you're not like him, so don't waste your time with why. Just focus on eliminating him from your life altogether.

[Cute Band Rat]

Damn..this sounds like a movie plot.

You're not obligated to this man in ANY way shape or form.

I hate to be mean..but he's not your problem.

He's a bastard who got EVERYTHING he deserves.

[DN]

By the way - you should check with your lawyer about any legal liability you may have because the divorce has not yet gone through.

[dopexile]

It's not your problem. He did you very dirty, you owe him no obligation. If he doesn't have any family there let him recouperate in a city with his family. You need to look out for your feelings, mental health, wellbeing... he's already displayed he doesn't care about your wellbeing, so why should you go out of your way to help him out... you shouldn't.

[Rabican]

Sorry about your pain... thats some story and I can only imagine how badly that whole situation must suck.

 

However, he did leave you high and dry for another woman. 5 years and not so much as a 'good bye' If it were me I would pull the plug on his life support given the chance. Dont take him back, dont talk to him, he obviously DOES NOT love you. There is no possible way to do that to someone you love.... simply cannot happen. You may love him, he doesnt love you.

 

I would tell the hospital that you are no longer married, that he left you for the girl in the accident, he can find someone else to care for him. theres plenty of hospitals, care homes, etc. someone can be paid to care for him... let them do it.

 

If and when he comes crawling back to you, hold your head high and tell him to take a hike, then file for divorce and sue him for everything he owns.

 

Or you could take him back, and dont be surprised when he leaves you for some other chick a few years down the road.