First date kiss- dealbreaker??

[MikeB12]

Thanks for the feedback all! Haven't had a chance to respond to each post yet but I appreciate all feedback, good and bad.

Just an update. I got a text from her late last night (I was sleeping). The text read:

 

"Good evening. Unfortunately I can't seem to get past it. Best of luck in love"

 

("It" being the kiss)

I have not responded at this point and may not at all. While I appreciate that she did give me some closure (I guess), I still feel it's a raw deal and I don't know why she is taking zero accountability for the kiss 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

Thanks for the feedback all! Haven't had a chance to respond to each post yet but I appreciate all feedback, good and bad.

Just an update. I got a text from her late last night (I was sleeping). The text read:

 

"Good evening. Unfortunately I can't seem to get past it. Best of luck in love"

 

("It" being the kiss)

I have not responded at this point and may not at all. While I appreciate that she did give me some closure (I guess), I still feel it's a raw deal and I don't know why she is taking zero accountability for the kiss 

I wouldn't play that game with yourself.  This isn't about accountability. This is a person you met once who kissed you goodnight.  Then for whatever reason regretted it - likely she just wasn't feeling it and she doesn't want you to take it personally.  Let it go.  Very typical for first meets.  She doesn't owe you an explanation and she has told  you she doesn't wish to see you again which is polite to do -not "ghosting"

 

[yogacat]

Eh. Forget her.

I would just take what she initially said at face value and leave it at that.

It could be anything but I think you need to stop with the what-ifs and trying to paint her as some irresponsible person who is purposely trying to screw you over. It wasn't that deep.

Just preferences and timing fell flat here this go-round. 

[tattoobunnie]

18 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

the kiss caught her off guard and that she usually doesn't kiss on the first date and it threw her off.

It's reads to me, "I think your hot, but maybe we are moving too fast.  I hope you aren't trying on only get in my pants"

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

It's reads to me, "I think your hot, but maybe we are moving too fast.  I hope you aren't trying on only get in my pants"

If this^^ is the case, she's got issues.  Period. 

It was a kiss, it wasn't like Mike attempted to grope her.  He made no sexual advances other than a simple good night kiss which is what two people do when attracted to each other. 

IF she were attracted, she would have scheduled the second date but asked that they take it slow NOT dump him.  

Jmo as always. 

I'm sorry Mike. 😞

[boltnrun]

She just wasn't the right one for you. Someone who's more suited for you wouldn't have minded.

At least you won't waste anymore time on this woman. There are plenty more out there. 

[tattoobunnie]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If this^^ is the case, she's got issues.  Period. 

It was a kiss, it wasn't like Mike attempted to grope her.  He made no sexual advances other than a simple good night kiss which is what two people do when attracted to each other. 

IF she were attracted, she would have scheduled the second date but asked that they take it slow NOT dump him.  

Jmo as always. 

I'm sorry Mike. 😞

It's only been a day.  I'm old.  So, I'm used to actually taking the time to get to know someone instead of the fast and furious constant contact in the beginning.

[Coily]

I have to agree this was a case of two people who went to two very different dates. Other than overdoing it with the flowers on a first date, I think you did everything you could have to impress her. There was just something that didn't spark for her, kiss or no kiss.

In retrospect the kiss probably saved you from investing/wasting more time with her. You don't owe her a response, other than "thanks bye."

Also since you have been out of the dating game for a while, the silliness and abruptness is something you'll have to re-learn. Best of luck finding a woman who clicks with you!

[yogacat]

The only times I can think of when I kissed someone and not felt like continuing afterwards was when I kissed someone because I wanted to get back at somebody else or make them jealous. I was still attracted to him, I would never kiss someone I wasn't attracted to...

Albeit, in that case, the kiss was more of a calculated move to achieve a certain outcome, and as soon as the kiss happened, the motivation and purpose behind it disappeared. That was when I was younger and less experienced in relationships and emotions, and looking back, I realize how silly and immature it was.

Otherwise, if I kiss someone, I usually continue because I'm genuinely interested in them and want to explore the connection and chemistry between us. If I don't feel that way, I don't kiss them in the first place.

Kisses are an intimate and personal act for me, and I don't do it just for the sake of it.

The only time I recall when I kissed someone and felt icky afterwards because they were a bad kisser or something was when I was in high school, lol.

I wouldn't worry about. In the end it is just a kiss, if she doesn't want to go on a second date with you because of this, then you guys weren't meant for each other. She probably wasn't really that interested and this was just an excuse to pull back. Sorry, and better luck next time, I think.

[MikeB12]

Thanks again all, much appreciated!

I did read one post suggesting maybe trying to reconnect with her over coffee or something. Not to "explain myself" because I truly didn't do anything wrong. But maybe just as a low key type thing to try and reconnect? I suppose at this point it's probably worth a shot. My goal was not to have anything physical happen heading into the date and all that did was a few kisses. 

[yogacat]

I wouldn't suggest communicating with her in that way. The fact that she is keeping her distance and giving you the brush off is a clear indication that she is not interested in reconnecting. Trying to reach out to her and explain yourself is ridiculous because like you said, you didn't do anything wrong.

[boltnrun]

She has basically told you "no, thanks". The "why" isn't really important.

I do wonder why you want to continue to pursue her. Is it because she's told you she doesn't want to continue to date you? You can't possibly believe this is a one of a kind connection after ONE date. 

And I doubt you want to be "friends". I think you just don't want an "L" on your record, so to speak. 

[Sindy_0311]

5 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

"Good evening. Unfortunately I can't seem to get past it. Best of luck in love"

Now she made it clear she doesn’t want to give it another try. She wished you well and now you have to move on. I previously said that you could try take things with a slower approach, but that was before she send you this text. 
I also agree with the fact that good connection isn’t always a two sided thing. You can feel something special, assume the person you are dating is feeling it to when in reality it’s often not the case. The only thing you can rely on while dating is the other persons willingness to see you again for a 2nd 3rd date… good luck to you! 🍀 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

Thanks again all, much appreciated!

I did read one post suggesting maybe trying to reconnect with her over coffee or something. Not to "explain myself" because I truly didn't do anything wrong. But maybe just as a low key type thing to try and reconnect? I suppose at this point it's probably worth a shot. My goal was not to have anything physical happen heading into the date and all that did was a few kisses. 

Oh gosh no -there's nothing to reconnect.  Unless you want to help her fine tune her dating profiles....

[Wonderstruck]

1 hour ago, MikeB12 said:

I did read one post suggesting maybe trying to reconnect with her over coffee or something. Not to "explain myself" because I truly didn't do anything wrong. But maybe just as a low key type thing to try and reconnect? I suppose at this point it's probably worth a shot. 

Wow, you're NOT getting it.

This girl is NOT interested in you. It's a WRAP.

Don't become that creepy guy who can't take a hint.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Wow, you're NOT getting it.

This girl is NOT interested in you. It's a WRAP.

Don't become that creepy guy who can't take a hint.

I had to deal with that in July 2005 and -same-ish thing - he came on really strong with the gestures and I'd made the mistake of talking too much by phone before meeting and between the first and second date.  He even brought my my favorite ice cream cake on the second date -we met in my lobby - and I realized I'd have to put it in the freezer as we were going to a museum - which I did -but -ok -then I'd have to invite him over to have some??

I didn't want to -not that early on.  The first date was fine - -but by the second he was full on like clingy, intense.  Yes I invited him up after and yes he'd traveled over an hour to see me - (it made no sense for me to travel to him -I lived in a really fun city) - so I waited for the darn cake to defrost and tried to get him out of there ASAP and was too flustered to say no to his face to a third date.  But -when he got home he called me and I said very directly "look I realized I don't see this going anywhere -I know it's early on but I'm not feeling it and I don't want you traveling to see me when I'm not feeling it."  He thanked me profusely. For my honesty.

Then the next morning the emails started coming in.  I'd lead him on by talking to him on the phone, lead him on by inviting him to my apartment for cake (seriously?? and no I don't think we kissed at all or anything -I sat apart from him on my sofa)/  6 emails over and over angry.  Then "I'm sorry -can we keep in touch as friends?"  Um no.  An hour later a call from my future husband -my ex SO! - "hey looks like I can meet for that dinner we talked about -I know it's last minute but are you free?"  Why did I say yes? Because I was like -he's the only person who won't ask me about my dating life or know about it and he's a normal male specimen so -yes sure it will be a pleasant distraction to catch up for the second time in over 7 years.

Little did I know.  No flowers -it was a friendly catch up dinner -but we had a blast and he shared his dessert with me.  He was a mess -all sweaty from going to the wrong restaurant first.  I didn't care.  When you click the outer stuff doesn't matter and he was awesome at romancing and courting - not why I fell for him. again  At all.

OP I dated for 24 years on and off - including over 5 years using online sites as one way.  I wanted marriage and family. And dating requires a really thick skin and requires walking away without that misplaced resentment of how you romanced a near stranger and how  dare she change her mind or decline another date.  That just causes early wrinkles and acid reflux IMO. And a jaded attitude that won't look good either.  

[Wiseman2]

On 4/10/2024 at 5:54 PM, MikeB12 said:

. I did notice that evening that she had a new profile on a different dating app, which I thought the timing of that seemed kind of odd, one day after a great date. 

Perhaps she's still out there doing a lot of one and done dates and used the kiss thing as an exit ramp because it did seem mutual at the time. 

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

I have not responded at this point and may not at all. While I appreciate that she did give me some closure (I guess), I still feel it's a raw deal and I don't know why she is taking zero accountability for the kiss 

This isn't about accountability. It's about two people and what they want out of the date/potential relationship. I think too many go into things with expectations or a checklist. They think that the other person should be doing certain things or have certain responsibilites. It can begin to feel transactional. Instead, just take it as it comes and see what happens. The reality is that people can respond in any number of ways and each person will be a new experience. Some will be pleasant, some will be terrible, and some will just be confusing. If things don't work out, it doesn't do any good to dwell on it or try allocate accountability or blame. Just accept that the two of you wanted different things. There is no way to know exactly what she was thinking and anything anyone else comes up with is speculation. If she is set on not pursuing something, respect her wishes an know someone else will be more suited to you.

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If this^^ is the case, she's got issues.  Period. 

It was a kiss, it wasn't like Mike attempted to grope her.  He made no sexual advances other than a simple good night kiss which is what two people do when attracted to each other. 

IF she were attracted, she would have scheduled the second date but asked that they take it slow NOT dump him.  

Not saying it's the case in this situation, but a woman (or man for that matter) could have a valid reason for running even off of something seemingly small like a good night kiss. If something traumatic happened to them, the smallest thing could set them off. They'd have issues, but it would be an understandable issue that would make the person more sympathetic.  

Yes, logically the better decision would be to tell someone to take it slow. But humans can be very illogical. I dealt with a woman who would keep running from me whenever we got close. Soon after finally kissing, she tells me it won't work and it's over. Having known her really well, I knew it was her fears and insecurities that caused her reaction. Without knowing the girl in question here, kind of impossible to tell if her actions were justified for her.

Just my two cents. We're all entitled to our own opinion.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Without knowing the girl in question here, kind of impossible to tell if her actions were justified for her.

Does it matter?  She dumped him.

The End.

Mike, all you can do is respect her decision and move on from the experience.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Without knowing the girl in question here, kind of impossible to tell if her actions were justified for her.

Who cares? Its not on him to guess if something in her life has traumatized her or not. He tried for a kiss and she returned it. He did nothing wrong.

Also, I am sorry, but if you think this is about the kiss you are as naive as OP is. She just doesnt like him and used that as an excuse. As did your woman to you. And that is OK too.

[Batya33]

I agree. I suggest these expectations from a date or first meet before you are a couple- with an understanding - each date is the last unless there is another time/place date planned - I was not negative -to me this was plain as jane reality.  I had one and done great dates, I had first meets that were - good not great- gave it another chance and was so glad I did.  I had first meets that ended up lasting hours -so much to talk about, clicking - walked me home - spark but not over the top stuff going on - and -crickets -no next date was asked for.  

Once we'd gone out a number of times, were sort of presuming we'd spend more time together then of course I had more expectations -but otherwise -enjoy the first meet, date, first few dates -enjoy the heck out of them if you can -and understand that for whatever reason under the sun it could be one and done and that is -OK! Please just move along and resist the temptation to analyze, to label her in some mental health issue way or issues way for your twingy ego.  Build the thick skin -realistic expectations are how that helped me so I pass along the suggestion.

[kim42]

Maybe she's an overthinker and because she doesn't usually kiss on a first date, she didn't feel comfortable after the date.

It could also be that the kiss was just an excuse not to go on a second date. 

Maybe try to keep first dates more simple next time so you don't feel disappointed when there's no second date.

Sadly this happens a lot, that one person thinks it was a great date while the other one has a different impression.

[kim42]

18 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

It's reads to me, "I think your hot, but maybe we are moving too fast.  I hope you aren't trying on only get in my pants"

This was actually my first impression about this situation.

[TeeDee]

You didn't do anything wrong.  I'm always weirded out by people who don't kiss on the 1st date.  My husband is one of those & I thought our first date was a disaster because he didn't kiss me. 

You said there were multiple kisses -- plural.  So even if the 1st kiss caught her off guard, she didn't turn her head, step back or slap you.  She kept kissing you which implies consent. 

The idea that a grown woman can't get past a kiss she enjoyed says A LOT.  You are probably dodging a bullet because she may have many sexual hang ups & basically be a cold fish.  

I'm sorry this didn't work out.  

Had I got to you earlier my advice was acknowledge that you heard her & her concerns.  Say something sweet along the lines of you thought it was mutual because it was an expression of how much joy you were experiencing that just bubbled over & had be expressed but assure her that the next kiss would have to be initiated by her because you do respect her.   You could try that in response to her text but I suspect this boils down to her not being ready for whatever reason.  

I'd let her go.  

Next date with anybody you may have to adopt the ask first position where you literally lean in & say "is it OK if I kiss you?" so you get verbal consent.  It's horribly unromantic but it prevents confusion.