First date kiss- dealbreaker??

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

…I did read one post suggesting maybe trying to reconnect with her over coffee or something. Not to "explain myself" because I truly didn't do anything wrong. But maybe just as a low key type thing to try and reconnect? I suppose at this point it's probably worth a shot. My goal was not to have anything physical happen heading into the date and all that did was a few kisses. 

No. She’s done, and it doesn’t matter why. The down side of pushing a first meet into a long date, starting with flowers and ending with a kiss, is that it’s over-saturation. You both might enjoy it at the time, but the after taste is that it can rub a person raw.

The goal of a first meet is for two people to check one another out, then part and reflect in private on whether this is full date material. And it’s usually not. Most people are not a romantic match. That’s just natural odds. It doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ with either person, and they can both have enjoyed the other on a human level. But simpatico is rare. That’s why not every friend you make is your best friend. Either you click on that special something, or you don’t.

The right person for you will see you through the right lens, and they will ‘get’ you, exactly as you are. You can’t force that kind of fit, so don’t try. Just enjoy meeting new people until you stumble across that kind of match, and it will be mutual—or it’s not your match.

[Lily Aldridge]

Just move on and forget that girl. 

[Lambert]

23 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

Thanks for the feedback all! Haven't had a chance to respond to each post yet but I appreciate all feedback, good and bad.

Just an update. I got a text from her late last night (I was sleeping). The text read:

 

"Good evening. Unfortunately I can't seem to get past it. Best of luck in love"

 

("It" being the kiss)

I have not responded at this point and may not at all. While I appreciate that she did give me some closure (I guess), I still feel it's a raw deal and I don't know why she is taking zero accountability for the kiss 

It's a raw deal in that, it feels bad to be rejected for any reason.

17 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

Thanks again all, much appreciated!

I did read one post suggesting maybe trying to reconnect with her over coffee or something. Not to "explain myself" because I truly didn't do anything wrong. But maybe just as a low key type thing to try and reconnect? I suppose at this point it's probably worth a shot. My goal was not to have anything physical happen heading into the date and all that did was a few kisses. 

I would respect her feelings and not contact her again. 

One date. One kiss. It didn't work for her. 

it's not that uncommon. you've probably had a similar experience from her side of the experience. And it really sucks to let someone down. To have them keep trying only proves the point.  It's more clear on their end of things and it more than likely has everything to do with them and nothing with you. 

I've been on both sides.   You'll meet someone else. Hang in there, don't chase dead weight.  You deserve a healthy and happy situation where both people reciprocate the feelings and excitement to see more of each other. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

No. She’s done, and it doesn’t matter why. The down side of pushing a first meet into a long date, starting with flowers and ending with a kiss, is that it’s over-saturation. You both might enjoy it at the time, but the after taste is that it can rub a person raw.

The goal of a first meet is for two people to check one another out, then part and reflect in private on whether this is full date material. And it’s usually not. Most people are not a romantic match. That’s just natural odds. It doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ with either person, and they can both have enjoyed the other on a human level. But simpatico is rare. That’s why not every friend you make is your best friend. Either you click on that special something, or you don’t.

The right person for you will see you through the right lens, and they will ‘get’ you, exactly as you are. You can’t force that kind of fit, so don’t try. Just enjoy meeting new people until you stumble across that kind of match, and it will be mutual—or it’s not your match.

I agree. I rarely kissed on a first meet.

[TeeDee]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. I rarely kissed on a first meet.

Rarely is not never.   It's also not that traumatic.  

First date v. first meet are also different.  If the vibe was that off & she wasn't open a kiss there were non verbal ways to communicate that.  She let herself be kissed, kissed back & kept it up. 

[mylolita]

Hey Mike! 
 

Just wizzed over your thread! Not sure if you’re still around! 
 

People rarely say what they mean and do what they mean. It’s a weird human conundrum that’ll make your head spin.

 

I wouldn’t take it too personally and try and look into the whys, even though I understand your frustration with the mixed signals. Mixed signals seem to be very common, even in friendships and family relationships, let alone something as fragile and emotionally fraught as first dates! 
 

There is a Bjork song called ‘Human Nature’ that came to mind regarding this!!

——

If you ever get close to a human 
And human behaviour 
Be ready, be ready to get confused 
And me and my hereafter

There's definitely, definitely, definitely no logic 
To human behaviour 
But yet so, yet so irresistible 
And me and my fear cannot

And there is no map, uncertain

They're terribly, terribly, terribly moody 
Of human behaviour 
Then all of a sudden turn happy 
And they and my here after

But, oh, to get involved in the exchange 
Of human emotions 
Is ever so, ever so satisfying 
And they and my hero

And there is no map uncertain

Human behaviour, human behaviour 
Human behaviour, human behaviour

And there is no map 
And a compass wouldn't help at all 
Uncertain!

———

 

x

[mylolita]

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Not saying it's the case in this situation, but a woman (or man for that matter) could have a valid reason for running even off of something seemingly small like a good night kiss. If something traumatic happened to them, the smallest thing could set them off. They'd have issues, but it would be an understandable issue that would make the person more sympathetic.  

Yes, logically the better decision would be to tell someone to take it slow. But humans can be very illogical. I dealt with a woman who would keep running from me whenever we got close. Soon after finally kissing, she tells me it won't work and it's over. Having known her really well, I knew it was her fears and insecurities that caused her reaction. Without knowing the girl in question here, kind of impossible to tell if her actions were justified for her.

Just my two cents. We're all entitled to our own opinion.

Hey Shy!

 

I actually feel like I get where you’re coming from here!

 

There are billions of women on this planet - for this date, it could have been anything. It could be something quite nuanced. It could be real simple like, she regretted the kiss and didn’t feel a spark anyway and wanted out. 
 

Depending on how you look at it, I suppose Mike (OP?) can take this however personally he wants. Or realise it’s out of his control. I understand some personalities are more inclined to analyse, search for answers and meaning, crave “closure” to frustrating experiences, or just want solid reasons. 
 

I really agree - in the nature of human experience and emotions and communication - by God! It could be anything! 
 

People interpreted things differently as well. I think someone said was it Batya? About feeling awkward and like you needed to invite a date up? To me, inviting a man inside is basically subtly agreeing to sex within reason. I know that wouldn’t be everyone’s take, but I wouldn’t go back to a man’s house or have a man round mine after a date or two if I didn’t think the undercurrent was basically, let’s get it on 🥲

 

I think most men if invited in might presume something was on the cards. Maybe I’m wrong? I know some women will kiss on dates when they’re only half in it. I can see why another two dates down the line that might leave the man feeling “lead on”. 
 

By the way, I’m not giving the green light that women owe men kisses and sex in dates just because of cultural suggestions, but I’m saying, it is there, whether we agree with it or not.

 

Personally, if I’d been the woman on the date who had kissed the guy then changed her mind, I would have rang or text to apologise, said I got caught up in the moment, thanked him for the date but said I don’t think we click on a deeper level. I would have apologised, actually, and said I hope I didn’t lead you on. 
 

Threads like this make you realise the difference in opinion is huge and it’s like, each to their own on an individual basis for the most part! 
 

x

[mylolita]

Regrettably: 

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You didn't do anything wrong.  I'm always weirded out by people who don't kiss on the 1st date.  My husband is one of those & I thought our first date was a disaster because he didn't kiss me. 

You said there were multiple kisses -- plural.  So even if the 1st kiss caught her off guard, she didn't turn her head, step back or slap you.  She kept kissing you which implies consent. 

The idea that a grown woman can't get past a kiss she enjoyed says A LOT.  You are probably dodging a bullet because she may have many sexual hang ups & basically be a cold fish.  

I'm sorry this didn't work out.  

Had I got to you earlier my advice was acknowledge that you heard her & her concerns.  Say something sweet along the lines of you thought it was mutual because it was an expression of how much joy you were experiencing that just bubbled over & had be expressed but assure her that the next kiss would have to be initiated by her because you do respect her.   You could try that in response to her text but I suspect this boils down to her not being ready for whatever reason.  

I'd let her go.  

Next date with anybody you may have to adopt the ask first position where you literally lean in & say "is it OK if I kiss you?" so you get verbal consent.  It's horribly unromantic but it prevents confusion.  

 

I had someone do that once, not ask for a kiss but a hug. I thought it was sweet but I was surprised. I thought he was making sure not to move in and touch me without my permission and that was the last thing I expected.

The next time he did not ask if I was thinking we could kiss but it was pretty obvious I wanted it to happen. 

Like so many first dates, I think she just had some expectations or more certain hopes for it. I don't think it had anything to do with what you did.
 

[LotusBlack]

On 4/11/2024 at 10:39 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

Mike, you probably won't like what I am about to say, but my take on this (as a woman who has experienced the same thing on many first meets/dates) is that often times I can be having a really great time with a guy, talking freely and openly, lots of laughs, feeling really comfortable BUT not feeling any attraction to him at all. 

By attraction I mean that special somethin somethin that happens when two people click romantically.  

As such when he kissed me, I felt a bit repulsed because it was like kissing my brother or good male friend, which may explain her behavior now and even why she told you she never kisses on first dates and it felt awkward.

Had she felt a strong attraction to you (I don't mean just physically), that kiss would have been welcome and she would have loved it!  Again my opinion based on past experience.

I would let this one go.  It's disappointing no doubt and you might be asking yourself, how do I know when a woman is actually "feeling it"?

For me when I am feeling it, I actually feel a bit uncomfortable, there is a certain tension in the air when both people are highly attracted (have romantic chemistry),

I would NOT go by how much fun she seems to be having or how comfortable she appears to be.  That's not always a very reliable indication of romantic interest imo.

Sometimes it is but not always, there are other factors at play. 

I would also back off on buying flowers and other romantic gestures, in a woman's eyes that can be seen as "trying too hard," it can come off as contrived and overkill for a first meet.  And ultimately a turn off.

In short, the kiss did NOT ruin anything, she just wasn't "feeling it" is my best guess.

 

 

 

 

I second all this. I went on a first meet several days ago. It was a lovely meeting but I felt zero romantic chemistry. At the beginning and end he hugged me without asking and I went along with it as it wasn’t worth causing a scene or embarrassing him but I did not feel comfortable at all. He even called me out on the goodbye hug because I was very loose with it and I had to explain that I’m not a huggy person - which is true, especially with someone I don’t really know. 

In your case, OP, maybe she went along with the kisses and actively participated in them in the moment because she felt put in a position when you initiated. I’d have likely done the same even though I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable. 

When my meet-up ended, my match said he’d love to see me again because he had a great time. I got home and thought about it for the rest of the day. I went back and forth between going on a first date and giving it a chance or ending it at the first meet. Ultimately, I sent him a message saying I had a nice time and he was a lovely person but that I felt we had more of a friend vibe. I thanked him for his time and consideration and wished him all the best. He never acknowledged it, but that’s fine.

I recognised that if I felt this uncertain about going on a first date, then there was no hope for the relationship anyway. I think her lack of response is the answer you have. Also, try to remember that although you might have had a great first date, that doesn’t mean the other person automatically did too. I had a lovely time but knew from the second I saw him walking towards me that it wasn’t going to be the right match for me. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Rarely is not never.   It's also not that traumatic.  

First date v. first meet are also different.  If the vibe was that off & she wasn't open a kiss there were non verbal ways to communicate that.  She let herself be kissed, kissed back & kept it up. 

I don’t think she was traumatized. She said it was too much. My take is it was an excuse instead of telling him she wasn’t attracted - perhaps she didn’t pull away at the moment but I think on reflection she wasn’t into him that way and he’d traveled far so she preferred not to lead him on particularly with his flowers etc. I’ve been in situations where the man took my hand or put his arm around me and I didn’t pull away due to awkwardness. 
to me first meets were not dates. I kissed more often on first dates than first meets especially if I already knew the person in person. 
edited to add I read this before reading Lotusblack’s story. I see she’s felt similarly 

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, mylolita said:

Depending on how you look at it, I suppose Mike (OP?) can take this however personally he wants. Or realise it’s out of his control. I understand some personalities are more inclined to analyse, search for answers and meaning, crave “closure” to frustrating experiences, or just want solid reasons. 

Hey Lolita!

As someone prone to analyse and who really prefers closure, I totally get wanting a solid reason. Unfortunately that's not something we always get to control. If the other side is unwilling or unable to provide a clear answer, only thing you can do is say you're peace and try to move on. It can be a fustrating world. Guess I've just learned to keep expectations low, hoping for the best, but prepared for the worse.

See what you're saying about someone feeling like they are being let on. Really does depend on the person though. I don't think I would be expecting too much. Then again, I probably move like a snail compared to most people, so it would probably be her wishing I would hurry up.

Like the way you would have handled it from her perspective. Honest and fair. 

9 hours ago, mylolita said:

People rarely say what they mean and do what they mean. It’s a weird human conundrum that’ll make your head spin.

Hmm. I'd say a person's natural tendency would be to say/do what they mean. But people learn certain behaviors that they think will other protect them (or someone else) or is something they are supposed to be doing. Of course that's all up to the individual as well. Some are brutally honest. Some never give a straight answer. And people are all points in between.

Kind of makes you wonder how anyone ever connects given all the variances in how people think. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Kind of makes you wonder how anyone ever connects given all the variances in how people think. 

I think if the goal in connecting is a long term relationship it's hard to find.  But for the OP even harder if  you dwell on one and done first meets/first dates and permit yourself to get all in your head and negative/cynical.  I dated a lot.  I wouldn't be married now if I'd permitted myself to "go there."  Took effort not to and great support from friends- and my mom!!- but I was mostly successful.

I think it works best when both people already are serious minded and open and ready and single.  When both have become the right person to find the right person.  Then if two people naturally click the in your head/overthinking/choosing fear over connection won't win over the natural flow of clicking.  For sure many happy couples weren't serious minded at all or looking to date even and just -met - but I'm talking about increasing the chances of a healthy long term relationship which I sense is what the OP is looking for.