First date kiss- dealbreaker??

[MikeB12]

Hello all, just looking for some friendly advice/feedback and just to vent on a recent/ongoing situation.

I connected with a girl on a dating app about 2.5 weeks ago. Had some good conversation on there. We were supposed to get together the Saturday before last but she had some work commitment come up and had to reschedule. She felt really bad and passed along her number on the app. I told her no problem at all and we continued to regularly text. 
 

We finally met up Sunday (3 days ago). I am not exaggerating when I say it may have been the best first date I've had post-divorce (I've been divorced for about 6.5 years, she has been for about 4.5 years). Just really fluid conversation, lots of laughs and just kind of talked about our past and what we were looking for etc. Just a great day overall. 
 

As we got to our cars before we split off for the evening, we hugged and shared a few kisses, which I didn't think much of. It just felt right considering the great date we had. I texted her about an hour later when I got home. She thanked me for a lovely day. We didn't talk much Monday as I had a busy day and she had the day off. I did notice that evening that she had a new profile on a different dating app, which I thought the timing of that seemed kind of odd, one day after a great date. 
 

I texted her good morning yesterday (Tuesday). She said good morning back but that was about it. She texted me yesterday evening (I was asleep) saying that the kiss caught her off guard and that she usually doesn't kiss on the first date and it threw her off. I responded this morning apologizing, but said that I did have a great time and would love to hang out again (still awaiting reply).

So the weird thing first off is I typically don't kiss on first dates the majority of the time either. But this was not like me making an awkward move to pull her in and kiss her or anything like that. We both were part of it. Yes, maybe I initiated it but we kissed 4-5 times and she did not pull away or anything so I didn't think much of it. 
 

Barring a positive response from her, I'm pretty bummed out now because I feel like this may be a dealbreaker. Is it unreasonable for me to be kind of irritated that I feel like I have to apologize for really doing nothing wrong? While I respect that she doesn't typically kiss on the first date, she went along with it and also it was never discussed during the date and just kind of happened. 
 

And I'm only saying this part for context, but I drove an hour to see her (accommodating her work schedule), paid for everything and bought her flowers AND the date itself was amazing (minus, apparently, the kiss lol). So I am just playing the waiting game now. Hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. I don't know. I feel like all things considered this would be a raw deal if she doesn't give me a second chance and again I didn't really do anything "wrong". Thoughts?

Thanks!

Mike

[LootieTootie]

Well, how did the kiss happened? Did you both lean in to each other, or did you lean in only?

Also you said you kissed a few times. How were these kisses? On the cheek on the lips but pecks? Or like tongue action? I say this but most people would not like a kiss with a stranger's tongue in their mouth on the first date, unless the goal is a one night stand.

[MikeB12]

@LootieTootie we both leaned in. On the lips, not "pecks" but not like a make out session or anything. Just 4-5 solid kisses. But she was part of it of course but I feel like I'm taking the "blame" for kissing her when it goes two ways 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

. She texted me yesterday evening (I was asleep) saying that the kiss caught her off guard and that she usually doesn't kiss on the first date and it threw her off. I responded this morning apologizing, but said that I did have a great time and would love to hang out again (still awaiting reply).

Sorry this happened.  It seems like the date went very well, but unfortunately people are fickle and one and done dates are common.

You did the right thing apologizing, not because kissing was wrong but because she claims it was an issue.  All you can do is see if she replies. 

[MikeB12]

@Wiseman2 thank you! It's been difficult because it was a really awesome date (I know she would agree) and we tentatively had made plans during the date to see each other again now I feel like it may be ruined over a kiss. So we'll see but yes just awaiting a reply for now 

[LootieTootie]

5 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

@LootieTootie we both leaned in. On the lips, not "pecks" but not like a make out session or anything. Just 4-5 solid kisses. But she was part of it of course but I feel like I'm taking the "blame" for kissing her when it goes two ways 

Got it. If you both leaned a few times, then I think you're ok, because it was mutual. I don't think she was blaming you. I think maybe she was having doubts since there were no contact the following day and then Monday rolls, she decided to say something about the kisses but it was late and you were asleep. She is probably in her head a lot. I think she'll respond to you about seeing each other again. Fingers crossed.

 

[MikeB12]

4 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Got it. If you both leaned a few times, then I think you're ok, because it was mutual. I don't think she was blaming you. I think maybe she was having doubts since there were no contact the following day and then Monday rolls, she decided to say something about the kisses but it was late and you were asleep. She is probably in her head a lot. I think she'll respond to you about seeing each other again. Fingers crossed.

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MikeB12 said:

saying that the kiss caught her off guard and that she usually doesn't kiss on the first date and it threw her off. I

That is so odd under the circumstances.   I mean you decided to be over the top for a first meet/date with the flowers etc - and it's nice  you offered to pay.  I think it's not a great sign she put up a new profile the next day but obviously after one meet many people don't want to put all their eggs in one basket.  Since you didn't force  yourself on her etc if it "throws her off" this much better to know now than later that she might really not be comfortable with dating.  I typically did not kiss on the first meet/first date but I have -and it didn't throw me off - I mean if it was a good kiss -cool -and if not - sure that might factor in but not because it was a first date.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

We finally met up Sunday (3 days ago). I am not exaggerating when I say it may have been the best first date I've had post-divorce (I've been divorced for about 6.5 years, she has been for about 4.5 years). Just really fluid conversation, lots of laughs and just kind of talked about our past and what we were looking for etc. Just a great day overall. 

Mike, you probably won't like what I am about to say, but my take on this (as a woman who has experienced the same thing on many first meets/dates) is that often times I can be having a really great time with a guy, talking freely and openly, lots of laughs, feeling really comfortable BUT not feeling any attraction to him at all. 

By attraction I mean that special somethin somethin that happens when two people click romantically.  

As such when he kissed me, I felt a bit repulsed because it was like kissing my brother or good male friend, which may explain her behavior now and even why she told you she never kisses on first dates and it felt awkward.

Had she felt a strong attraction to you (I don't mean just physically), that kiss would have been welcome and she would have loved it!  Again my opinion based on past experience.

I would let this one go.  It's disappointing no doubt and you might be asking yourself, how do I know when a woman is actually "feeling it"?

For me when I am feeling it, I actually feel a bit uncomfortable, there is a certain tension in the air when both people are highly attracted (have romantic chemistry),

I would NOT go by how much fun she seems to be having or how comfortable she appears to be.  That's not always a very reliable indication of romantic interest imo.

Sometimes it is but not always, there are other factors at play. 

I would also back off on buying flowers and other romantic gestures, in a woman's eyes that can be seen as "trying too hard," it can come off as contrived and overkill for a first meet.  And ultimately a turn off.

In short, the kiss did NOT ruin anything, she just wasn't "feeling it" is my best guess.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

@Wiseman2 thank you! It's been difficult because it was a really awesome date (I know she would agree) and we tentatively had made plans during the date to see each other again now I feel like it may be ruined over a kiss. So we'll see but yes just awaiting a reply for now 

She seems interested, but maybe she's applying the brakes a bit with the "I'm not that type of girl" line. Give it some time. 

[Wonderstruck]

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

I did notice that evening that she had a new profile on a different dating app, which I thought the timing of that seemed kind of odd, one day after a great date.

How did you "notice" this, especially so quickly after she put up the new profile?

Were you searching her name on different dating apps or something?

Also, it's really none of your business this early on if she has a new profile on another dating app.

She doesn't owe you anything.

 

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

Yes, maybe I initiated it but we kissed 4-5 times and she did not pull away or anything so I didn't think much of it. 

Maybe, since she already admitted that the kiss "caught her off-guard" and "threw her off", she just went along with it because she felt taken aback and pressured, in the moment.

Maybe she didn't have the courage, in the moment, to say "I don't typically kiss on the first date, and I'm not comfortable with this."

That's essentially what she ended up telling you on Tuesday evening, after she had some time to get her bearings and clear her head on how she really felt.

 

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

And I'm only saying this part for context, but I drove an hour to see her (accommodating her work schedule), paid for everything and bought her flowers AND the date itself was amazing (minus, apparently, the kiss lol).

You're NOT "only saying this part for context", you're 100% trying to insinuate that she "owes" you another date.

NO, SHE DOESN'T. She doesn't owe you ANYTHING.

You CHOSE to drive an hour to see her, you CHOSE to pay for everything, and you CHOSE to buy her flowers.

Doing all of those things doesn't mean that she is OBLIGATED to go on another date with you.

She is more than entitled to never see you again.

 

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

I feel like all things considered this would be a raw deal if she doesn't give me a second chance and again I didn't really do anything "wrong".

No, it wouldn't be a "raw deal", because AGAIN, she DOESN'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.

She doesn't owe you "a second chance".

[Morello]

I think the kisses themselves didn't seem to be a problem (assuming she did enjoy them), but overall, it seems you went a bit over the top and tried too hard (flowers, travelling, paying for everything). With the kisses at the end, maybe she felt you were pushing too hard to make it happen.

But the main point is that people can fickle for any reason really, even if they actually enjoyed the date. They can give you an excuse or a reasonable reason why they don't wanna continue. It really doesn't matter, as they don't really owe you anything.

As others said, you might wanna watch a bit of the "entitlement" that is coming off from your post. If you offer to pay, to travel, to give her flowers, it's your decision. She owes you nothing. Again, maybe she got some weird vibes from you that you were going for the kiss because you felt it was the natural thing to do, given all your effort.

A lot of the time, it's not what it is, but how it comes across. especially with people you don't know. Often, less is more. But I know all of this now that I'm already off the market; took me ages to figure it out.

How old are you? 

[ShySoul]

My first reaction is that she felt it was too much, too soon. If she doesn't like to kiss on a first date, then doing so could have made her nervous. In the moment things were going well and it felt right. But then she gets home and starts thinking it over. She wonders why she did it when she usually isn't like that. She questions if she is really ready for something more serious as this seems to be already headed in that direction. So she pulls back.

Also realize that part of dating apps is to constantly be bombarded with new people and new "opportunities." For some people that allows them to be choosey and drop things at a moments notice, even if things were going well. Afterall, there is always someone else out there that could be even better. You could do everything perfectly, the other person could be feeling it, and then, though no fault of your own, nothing.

I'm not sensing entitlement here. I see confusion and fustration giving way to a little anger. When you put in the effort and everything seems to have been wonderful, to suddenly lose it all with no warning can be a maddening experience. Part of you is trying to figure out why. Part of you wonders if you did something wrong. And part of you is fustrated at the other person for wrecking what was, at least in your mind, a good thing. 

The important thing is to not let it discourage you. If you are going to be dating in this way, there will be far more misses then hits. There will be people who leave you fusrated in an infinity of ways. There will be people who like the things you do (paying for her, bringing flowers) and people who won't. It's all part of the experience. But for each time you get knocked off the horse, you pick youself up and ride again. And you keep doing it your way. If you want to do things like travel to see her or bring her flowers, do it. Do it not because you expect anything back, but because it's something nice you want to do. Plenty of women would find that romantic.

[yogacat]

It's tough to know, and certainly, it seems a harmless "misfire" giving the amazing date you guys had. From what you've said, your disposition of "go with it" sounds sensible.

It wasn't one accidental kiss, where she's like, oops what happened. It seemed more like you were given the green light 4 to 5 times for an off-guard lady.

That tells me that she was entertained and open to it.

In other words, let her fish on it a bit. Trust yourself when you say you know you weren't trying to take advantage of her, I believe that.

She got caught up in the moment and is just backtracking a bit.

On a sidenote, no. It's not unreasonable for you to feel irritated. 

Try not to be too frustrated by it.

You could warm coals with great effort emitting enormous amounts of heat. I think you can give your fire a little bit of time spent on itself right now. 

Apologizing is a nice gesture, but don't feel like you need to apologize for something that felt right in the moment. Just let her know that you respect her feelings and boundaries and leave it at that. The ball is in her court now and you can only wait and see how she responds.

Anything beyond that is up to her and her feelings.

[catfeeder]

On reflection, she might felt uneasy about her own behavior, none of us can know. You’ll learn over the course of time whether she pulls back from you or invites more contact.

[MrMan1983]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Mike, you probably won't like what I am about to say, but my take on this (as a woman who has experienced the same thing on many first meets/dates) is that often times I can be having a really great time with a guy, talking freely and openly, lots of laughs, feeling really comfortable BUT not feeling any attraction to him at all. 

By attraction I mean that special somethin somethin that happens when two people click romantically.  

As such when he kissed me, I felt a bit repulsed because it was like kissing my brother or good male friend, which may explain her behavior now and even why she told you she never kisses on first dates and it felt awkward.

Had she felt a strong attraction to you (I don't mean just physically), that kiss would have been welcome and she would have loved it!  Again my opinion based on past experience.

I would let this one go.  It's disappointing no doubt and you might be asking yourself, how do I know when a woman is actually "feeling it"?

For me when I am feeling it, I actually feel a bit uncomfortable, there is a certain tension in the air when both people are highly attracted (have romantic chemistry),

I would NOT go by how much fun she seems to be having or how comfortable she appears to be.  That's not always a very reliable indication of romantic interest imo.

Sometimes it is but not always, there are other factors at play. 

I would also back off on buying flowers and other romantic gestures, in a woman's eyes that can be seen as "trying too hard," it can come off as contrived and overkill for a first meet.  And ultimately a turn off.

In short, the kiss did NOT ruin anything, she just wasn't "feeling it" is my best guess.

 

 

 

 

Pretty much in a nutshell, a lot of people have a lot of one and done dates with some of them being seemingly pleasant nights yet don't lead to a second.

People on here will know I've had similar situations where I thought a date went amazing even where the women has initiated a passionate kiss goodbye to then be told they did not feel enough of a spark after. So unfortunately it's pretty common, just try not to take it too personally. Understand that it's disheartening though when you feel like you've had a great date.

Agree with Yogacat probably didn't need to apologise but good to make it clear you respect her boundaries and if she warms up with contact again best you can do is suggest another date idea and if it's a negative response move on. 

[Sindy_0311]

I usually kiss guys I like on the second or third date. The reason to this is simple: if I kiss a guy on the first date, the second one will automatically start with kissing and physical contact when in fact I’m not ready for it. I rather talk more than spend time hugging and behaving like a new couple which makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe she wasn’t aware of it, and thinking now of the second date, she is afraid you both will be closer from the jump. What you could do, (if really the issue is the kiss) is tell her that you would enjoy meeting her again and would respect her pace for physical contact and leave the kisses on hold for now… suggest a second meet to know each other better through conversation. If she declines, then probably the issue wasn’t the kiss and you caught her at her own game… 

[Batya33]

I would stop with the flowers and lavishing attention for a first meet - even if you feel like it -consider the stranger's feelings - it might seem romantic but you have no idea -since she is a stranger - if it will be overwhelming/too much-not your need to be "romantic" or "nice".  I remember baking cookies around the holidays and going on a second date and he asked jokingly why not a dozen -I said something like oh because I'm not easy (joking too).  Less is more. 

I liked the comment that "off guard" meant -not attracted -definitely could be the case, has happened to me and happens of course when meeting a stranger -a stranger for romantic purposes -on a first date.

[Kwothe28]

I have a theory that is pretty much proven in practice. If they like you, they would even ignore red flags and you telling them most obscene things ever. If they dont, it doesnt really matter that you tried and even managed to get to the kiss. Its still a “No” from them. You can literally pull a miracle and have the best date that ever happened to someone. And it would still be “No”. So, take it as “one and done” kind of thing. By her behavior she has a lot of other prospects. Its hard to stand out there. Also, avoid big gestures for first dates. As you can see, it isnt so gratifying when most of the dates today are “one and done” and leaves you probably disappointed. She wont have another date with you even though you hope she would. Sorry.

[smackie9]

omg you both are grown a$$ adults here. You both kissed because it felt right....it's just kissing, no big deal. I think you are getting the message wrong here. My POV is that it was surprising, but exciting, and she just didn't want to give you the impression she's easy, and was concerned that's what you were going for. You guys hit it off really well. Take it and run with it. It was a positive experience. You should of responded with "It felt right. I haven't hit it off this well with anyone since my divorce. I hope we can meet again and get to know one another better. I had such a great time with you." 

IMO apologizing made you look guilty. There was nothing to apologize for. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

we tentatively had made plans during the date to see each other again now I feel like it may be ruined over a kiss. So we'll see but yes just awaiting a reply for now 

@MikeB12why "tentative"?  What's the hold up?  Have you heard back from her?

My guess is no but hope I'm wrong..

There is a saying "interested people act interested." 

They don't recoil during a kiss claiming some BS that they don't kiss on first dates, I will never buy that excuse 

When you're attracted, how the hell can you NOT kiss?  I'm not even referring to a passionate make-out session it was one simple kiss goodnight for heaven's sake.

And it was awkward for her and she recoiled from it.  This is NOT two people clicking and feeling a romantic spark. 

Or her playing some 'hard to get' game or not wanting to appear "easy."

I stick with what I first posted, she didn't feel the romantic spark despite having a good time, I'm sorry.

It happens more times than not especially on line. 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

My late mom said this to me which I wholeheartedly agree with and has been true in my life:

"Two people can be on the same date, but be having two entirely different experiences."

It can be true even if it appears otherwise as in your case where it appeared she was having a good time. And maybe she was but that does not always equate to romantic spark.

Gotta learn to shake this * off especially when meeting on line.

 

[catfeeder]

52 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

My POV is that it was surprising, but exciting, and she just didn't want to give you the impression she's easy, and was concerned that's what you were going for.

I agree. OP, you're the one who understands the context of this better than any of us. But I agree with @Batya33 that the flowers are a bit overkill when meeting a total stranger. Keep it simple. Consider the first meet a 'meet' to check one another out. You're not trying to win a prize, or even win anyone over--you're two adult human beings sharing a coffee together to learn whether or not you're a potential match for a full date. If you romanticize that, it will seem staged and overdone.

Head high, and recognize that good matches are rare. They're supposed to be rare, like a needle in a haystack. If finding love were not rare, what would be so special about it? Trust that the right person for you will view you through the right lens, and so you don't need to put on pretenses.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

My POV is that it was surprising, but exciting, and she just didn't want to give you the impression she's easy, and was concerned that's what you were going for.

^^I dunno @smackie9, why would she update her dating profile the very next day?

Why delay scheduling a second date? 

I'm getting an entirely different sense from her reaction to the kiss and subsequent behavior but we shall see.

It's all speculation at this point. 

[boltnrun]

When I was a LOT younger I kissed some guys who I didn't really feel that attracted to. I even did it once in my late 30s, when I was really trying to like this one man but I just wasn't feeling it. We even went to his apartment and did a little more than just kiss and that was what cemented it for me. I just didn't feel attracted to him. We stopped dating and he went on with his life and so did I. There was nothing wrong with him, he and I just weren't right for one another. 

(I had actually totally forgotten about that guy. He's the only one I would classify as someone I was "dating" as in, he asked me out on dates.)