When girl starts to lose interest do you cut her off or speak with her about it?

[Absy]

When a girl begins to lose interest in you, do you choose to cut her off abruptly, gradually withdraw, or have a conversation with her about it? Perhaps ask her directly if she's losing interest or if there's someone else, expressing that if that's the case, you'd prefer to end things to avoid wasting each other's time. The thought of cutting someone off completely is tough; I've experienced being ghosted before, and it's painful. I don't want to inflict that on someone else. I believe that having an open conversation about my feelings and reasons for ending things would be beneficial for both of us. I want to communicate to her why I'm making this decision, not just to rekindle her interest, but also for my own closure. It would help me move on quicker instead of lingering with thoughts of what could have been if I had just reached out

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Absy said:

. I believe that having an open conversation about my feelings and reasons for ending things would be beneficial for both of us.

You're not in a relationship and you never met so you don't need a breakup speech. However since she's your sister's friend, be polite tell her you're not a match and then delete and block. There's no need to drag things out and waste both of your time. 

Is this the same girl?

 

[Kwothe28]

50 minutes ago, Absy said:

I believe that having an open conversation about my feelings and reasons for ending things would be beneficial for both of us.

Beneficial to you, not for her. You can have an open conversation with the person who wants to do that. With somebody who you ask "whats wrong" and she says "nothing"(though that is a default woman answer when you ask them that lol), you cant have an open conversation because its not productive. She chose to not meet you and just chose to detach herself by not answering to your messages in a timely manner. That means that she prefers to just not answer rather then to talk about it. "I am sorry, but this isnt working out for me and I am cutting contact" is enough of conversation there.

[MissCanuck]

Is this the girl who won't meet up with you? 

[Absy]

59 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is this the girl who won't meet up with you? 

Yes

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Absy said:

Yes

Then there really is no need to have a talk with her. 

Please keep in mind that you don't know her well, since messaging is not dating. You are basing your feelings off an idea of her, but not the real her. In other words, you have invested too much emotionally into someone you don't know on any significant level.

Since she won't meet with you, it's time to just let the conversation fizzle and move on. She isn't going to be that bothered since she's not interested enough anyway. 

[Absy]

52 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then there really is no need to have a talk with her. 

Please keep in mind that you don't know her well, since messaging is not dating. You are basing your feelings off an idea of her, but not the real her. In other words, you have invested too much emotionally into someone you don't know on any significant level.

Since she won't meet with you, it's time to just let the conversation fizzle and move on. She isn't going to be that bothered since she's not interested enough anyway. 

At this point, it's more about my own closure than anything else. I understand that she may not care anymore, but if I don't express my feelings, I won't be able to move forward easily. However, I'll take your advice into consideration if you truly believe that it's best to walk away without saying anything.As you pointed out, I've invested a lot emotionally, and it's clear that it's an issue I need to work on.

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Absy said:

As you pointed out, I've invested a lot emotionally, and it's clear that it's an issue I need to work on.

Start by not trying to seek "closure" from a person you have never even met. Closure will come form you accepting that this is a dead-end, not an awkward conversation about your feelings with a girl who doesn't care. 

You will be fine. Let this be an exercise in growth for you, and a lesson not to get wrapped up in a person you have never met in real life. 

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Start by not trying to seek "closure" from a person you have never even met. Closure will come form you accepting that this is a dead-end, not an awkward conversation about your feelings with a girl who doesn't care. 

You will be fine. Let this be an exercise in growth for you, and a lesson not to get wrapped up in a person you have never met in real life. 

I agree.  It also applies to making new friends or developing a friendship where the other person seems to lose interest - closure is - you fade out/move on and you do self-talk - you tell yourself that not everyone is going to want to meet you or take things any further.  Exception is when you know you offended someone you apologize.  Interrogating a near stranger in your situation is self-absorbed - you're not worried if she's ok you simply want this stranger to soothe you and validate your sense of self -not her role or issue.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Absy said:

 it's best to walk away without saying anything.I've invested a lot emotionally, and it's clear that it's an issue I need to work on.

It's not best to ghost. It's rude. She's only being nice because you're her friends brother. Texting is not a huge emotion investment. 

Please be polite to your sisters friend and simply tell her you're not a match.

Ghosting and emotion dumping in the form of a breakup lecture are both too extreme.  Especially since you already "confronted" her to act more interested in you.Yes work on that. 

[Sindy_0311]

7 hours ago, Absy said:

I've experienced being ghosted before, and it's painful.

Is she reaching out to you? Or are you the one always initiating? I Suggest you stop texting her, and if she does reach out simply tell her that you rather keep it at that, as you aren’t looking for a text buddy. But if someday she’s open to meet in person and that you are still available, it would be with pleasure.
You wish her well and THIS is the closure you need. asking whether she is loosing interest is way too needy and desperate… she’s not your girlfriend, not even your friend. She doesn’t owe you nothing. And frankly you aren’t loosing anything outside of a few words on a screen form time to times.

for the note: I cannot understand how people loose their mind over these virtual/texting “relationships”. Have you ever seen Catfish the tv show on MTV? I find it scary how they value the people they are texting/calling more than people present in their lives. They are often very naive and so out of reality. I suggest you watch an episode someday. 
I wish you good luck and happy Easter!! 

 

[Absy]

30 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Is she reaching out to you? Or are you the one always initiating? 

 

She used to reach out and initiate conversations as well. I would estimate that I initiate about 60% of the time. However, now she doesn't initiate; she only responds, and sometimes it's late, unlike how she used to be.Everything started about two weeks ago when I confronted her about being distant. She claims there's really nothing wrong.

[boltnrun]

Why would you "confront" someone you've never met?

She is the one who refuses to meet you in person.  I'm not sure why you think she would be upset if you two stopped communicating.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Absy said:

now she doesn't initiate

So stop initiating, and let this fizzle out... 

1 minute ago, Absy said:

She claims there's really nothing wrong.

Why would there be anything wrong? You are not her boyfriend, neither are you her friend, you were just "talking". She changed her focus and she has the complete right to do so without owing you an explanation. 

Maybe time for you to do the same. have you considered talking to other girls on a dating app or IRL? 

Just a little tip (JMHO of cours) : When you start interacting with a girl, being it in real life or texting, please see it for what it is: talking. There are no feelings of love involved, you don't know each other, you don't know whether you are compatible yet, etc... After the "talking stage", meaning after you both had a few dates, have been hanging out casually and decide to make the relationship official and be committed, then you can start open up about your feelings and discuss this "distance thing", have more open communication. Prior to this "official stage", she doesn't have to answer to you about anything. 

[catfeeder]

As I suggested on your other thread, you can offer her one last invitation to meet soon, and if she says she's not ready, you can tell her that you respect that, but you're interested in spending your time with someone who wants to meet in person. If she ever decides that she would like to do that, she can reach out to let you know. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you wish her the best.

This explains why you're walking away even while leaving your door open to the possibility that she may change her mind in the future. Going forward, I would not continue messaging anyone who isn't willing to meet in person. It's fantasy-building, and it's for people who only want to live in their own head--or for people who are invested in someone else and are being disloyal to that person by messing around online.

[Sindy_0311]

14 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

As I suggested on your other thread, you can offer her one last invitation to meet soon,

OP, didn't you already invite her and she declined? 

Edit : From the last thread:

"asked her if something is wrong or if there's something bothering her, but she said no. So, I suggested that maybe we should meet since we've been texting and talking on the phone for months, but she said she's not ready yet."

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

There are no feelings of love involved, you don't know each other, you don't know whether you are compatible yet, etc... After the "talking stage", meaning after you both had a few dates, have been hanging out casually and decide to make the relationship official and be committed, then you can start open up about your feelings and discuss this "distance thing", have more open communication. Prior to this "official stage", she doesn't have to answer to you about anything. 

I don't agree because especially for the OP suggesting there is some sort of "talking stage" will just trigger more unrealistic expectations. I think this is a made up stage.  Especially with a complete stranger.  Two people who meet in person and go on a date went on a date -that's not any sort of "stage" either.  People should feel free to talk or not talk and not be in some sort of stage.  If a person wants to meet another person for a date - or a first meet to see if they should date then ask. 

Interacting before whether typing or talking on the phone is simply just like if  you met someone randomly out and had a conversation.  Not some sort of defined "stage." Never understood the relevance of describing this sort of interaction as "we're talking."  That's a  stage like  when businesspeople meet to talk about a possible merger -there's a negotiation stage where there are "talks".    That I get.  JMHO. Especially because the OP is describing this as if anyone had interest in anyone -she had interest in chatting online.  Now she doesn't.  She never had real interest in meeting.

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't agree because especially for the OP suggesting there is some sort of "talking stage" will just trigger more unrealistic expectations. I think this is a made up stage.  Especially with a complete stranger.  Two people who meet in person and go on a date went on a date -that's not any sort of "stage" either.  People should feel free to talk or not talk and not be in some sort of stage.  If a person wants to meet another person for a date - or a first meet to see if they should date then ask. 

Interacting before whether typing or talking on the phone is simply just like if  you met someone randomly out and had a conversation.  Not some sort of defined "stage." Never understood the relevance of describing this sort of interaction as "we're talking."  That's a  stage like  when businesspeople meet to talk about a possible merger -there's a negotiation stage where there are "talks".    That I get.  JMHO. Especially because the OP is describing this as if anyone had interest in anyone -she had interest in chatting online.  Now she doesn't.  She never had real interest in meeting.

I agree. I referred to the “talking stage” as two people dating and seeing if there is some compatibility or potential for something serious. Obviously now they were just talking/texting each other, which is not the same as dating someone. Maybe my English wasn’t clear enough… 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I agree. I referred to the “talking stage” as two people dating and seeing if there is some compatibility or potential for something serious. Obviously now they were just talking/texting each other, which is not the same as dating someone. Maybe my English wasn’t clear enough… 

Oh I see.  I'm uncomfortable with the word talking because I'm married and have talked to many men over the years while married and while committed to my now husband and several on more personal/friendship terms.  To me what you describe is dating.

[smackie9]

Just stop talking to her / engaging in conversation. Lose interest in her. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@AbsyI am not going to negatively judge you for becoming somewhat attached to and caring for a woman you were communicating online with, it happens every single day.  It's easy to do, just because your communication is via the written word versus on the phone or in person, it does not make it any less valid, you are still opening up, sharing parts of yourselves with each other and connecting.

I realize I am pretty much on my own with this mindset, but just wanted to put it out there.

That said, in reading your previous thread you posted that after two months of online chat, you wanted to meet in person and she "wasn't ready."

That was YOUR cue to wish her well and walk away, that was your only mistake imo. 

If/when someone you're chatting online with indicates after two months or even one month or two weeks that they're "not ready" to meet in person that is a red flag and suggests that they may not be who they claim to be, in another RL or simply prefer having "texting buddies." 

Or something else.  Whatever it is, they are NOT interested in meeting you and that is ALL you need to know.

Re closure, imo I do think it would be the kind thing to do (for you and for her) to tell her you are no longer interested in pursuing your online interaction.  Had you only been talking a short time and it was only fun frivolous chat, I might feel differently.

But it sounds like it was somewhat of a significant interaction that last 2+ months? 

There is no need to say anything about her losing interest or becoming distant, simply tell her this isn't working for you any longer and wish her well.

Then block and delete if you have to and take steps to move on from it.

EDIT:  I wanted to add that I myself have ghosted men I have had significant online interactions with and had it done to me.  In both cases, I felt like crap for ghosting and I felt like crap when I was ghosted.  I STILL feel like crap in one particular case when I ghosted him.  

I will tell you why I did it, I did not know what to say and I was a coward, plain and simple.  We chatted for approximately three months and he lived in a different state which is why we hadn't met.

Yes it was online but so what, we had still developed a connection and when I was ghosted in a similar situation, it felt debasing and was hurtful.

 

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

The gracious thing to do would be to have a calm,  considerate discussion with her as you part ways.  There is a way to be classy. 

For other people,  ghosting seems to be the norm.  Since you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of ghosting and how it can feel so cold and abrupt,  it would be kind to let go of her with dignity and integrity. 

If she doesn't want to discuss anything further and initially faded away from your life,  then by all means do likewise.  You do not owe her any type of explanation. 

If there's one thing I've learned about relationships,  it is that not everyone thinks nor acts like you.  A lot of people don't care how they treat others so you have to learn to adapt to however way they act even if it ends negatively.  In an ideal world,  everyone would be very considerate of one another and treat them with respect.  Unfortunately,  this is not how most of the world operates.  Many people simply exit the relationship with nary a word.  They just do instead of say or write anything to lessen the blow.  It's sad to say this is the way of the world and it doesn't matter who it is.  Once you grasp this concept,  it's a heck of a lot easier dealing with all sorts of people who simply do not care about you.  They just go about their  own way as should you. 

Never treat people extra special if they do not deserve it.  This way,  you won't get hurt anymore.  You roll with it so it is fair and equal for both of you.  Lately,  I've done this and it truly protects myself so I no longer feel like such a schmuck.  Make sure the joke is never on you by being too nice.  You'll only become sorely disappointed if you do.  Develop street smarts and you will be fine.  😉

 

[ShySoul]

On 3/30/2024 at 3:49 AM, Absy said:

At this point, it's more about my own closure than anything else. I understand that she may not care anymore, but if I don't express my feelings, I won't be able to move forward easily.

If you need closure in order to move on, then do what you must to seek closure. Don't make it a confrontation. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just be polite and honest. Tell her you've enjoyed talking with her and she means a lot to you, but that you feel its for the best to part ways. I always believe its best to leave the door open as you never know what can happen in the future, but that you should do what you feel is best to take care of yourself in the present.

I once went through a painful experience with a girl. We didn't speak for three months. Not speaking made it worse because I didn't have that closure. There was always the thought of could I have said or done something else. There was the need to get out what I was feeling. And there was the wonder of what she was thinking. It wasn't until we spoke and I got those answer that I realized I had moved on. Getting closure allowed me to close that chapter and opened me up to experience something new. So seek that closure.

 

[yogacat]

Agree with @rainbowsandroses.

In my younger years, I had a habit of "ghosting" guys after 1-2 dates. I wasn't mature enough to have difficult conversations about my feelings and intentions, so I would just stop responding to their calls and messages.

But now, with more life experience, I've learned the importance of open communication and being upfront with others, even if it's uncomfortable. Ghosting is not a respectful way to handle a situation and can be hurtful and confusing for the person on the receiving end.

Unless the person is unsafe or the relationship is toxic, it's better to communicate directly and respectfully.

I dated someone for three months after he asked to be introduced by a mutual friend. We chatted back and forth for a month but he never asked me out. So, I suggested we meet in person and we hit it off. After two months of dating, I realized that we had different values and goals in life and it wasn't going to work out.

Maybe you should try asking her why she doesn't feel comfortable yet, or if it's because of anxiety. In my opinion, a casual daytime activity like getting coffee or going to an art gallery could be a good compromise since you can easily leave if things become uncomfortable. Alternatively, you could suggest a video call on Zoom or Skype if she's more at ease with that. From my experience, if you can't find a way to make it work while dating, you won't be able to communicate well once you're in a relationship either.

If she accepts, then great! If she declines or makes excuses, it may be best to part ways amicably. Instead of waiting for her to make a move, it's important for you to take charge in this situation.

Of course, this is just a suggestion and the best course of action ultimately depends on your individual circumstances.

[TeeDee]

This woman seems to be fading away from you.  You may need to talk to her so you feel better but it's unlikely going change how she feels or behaves.  

You feel that she's pulling back.  When you raised the subject, she told you everything was fine.  Since it's not fine on your end because you want to meet & she doesn't, you have to think long & hard about what you are going to do if nothing changes.  

If you need to talk to her, have the conversation. I don't think it will get you the outcome you want.   Do not "confront" her or be mean about it.  Do tell her your expectations.  See if she will finally agree to meet but if she won't, after all this time I think you need to just give up because she's a time waster.