When girl starts to lose interest do you cut her off or speak with her about it?

[Absy]

Thank you all for your replies. So, I called her three days ago and had one last talk with her about how I noticed things have changed between us. She kept insisting that everything is fine. At the end, I told her that it's best if we cut contact because I definitely know there's something wrong, but she doesn't want to admit whatever it is. I asked her if there's anything she would like to say, and she said there's nothing, which made me truly believe that she's no longer interested in me.

Now, three to four days later, I feel really sad, and everything reminds me of her. I'm even questioning if I made the right decision by cutting contact. I found out today from my sister that about two weeks ago, around the same time she started acting cold with me, she met another guy. It made me more sad and angry, not the fact that she's with someone now, but the fact that she wasn't honest with me and told me the truth even after asking her so many times about it. 

I keep thinking maybe somewhere along the line I did something wrong or maybe I played my cards wrong with her, especially since at the beginning she showed a lot of interest in me.

[boltnrun]

Just because someone becomes interested in someone else doesn't mean you did anything "wrong". There have been guys interested in me who were perfectly nice, even attractive, but for whatever reason I felt drawn to someone else.

The right young woman will choose you, just as you will choose her. And it won't be someone who exclusively communicates with you online.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Absy said:

 I found out today from my sister that about two weeks ago, around the same time she started acting cold with me, she met another guy. It made me more sad and angry, 

You made the right decision cutting it off. It would have been nice if your sister gave you the heads-up and told you she's interested in someone else.

Why would your sister fix you up with her then let you flounder like a fool pining for someone she knows is interested in someone else rather than you. Do yourself a favor and avoid meddling match makers in the future. 

[Batya33]

I think you did the right thing.  I think it  took courage and thoughtfulness on your part to have that conversation.  I'm sorry you're feeling sad and I hope you feel better.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP. 

It's understandable that it stings, but you made the right choice to walk away from this. She wasn't on the same page as you anymore and it was going to be a waste of your time to stay in touch with her. 

 

[Andrina]

On 4/4/2024 at 1:00 PM, Absy said:

I keep thinking maybe somewhere along the line I did something wrong or maybe I played my cards wrong with her, especially since at the beginning she showed a lot of interest in me.

The only thing you did wrong is expect that a long distance, cyber-only thing would result in something real was unrealistic. People who've begun locally and had to temporarily be apart because of school or a career find LDRs difficult. But when two people have never even physically met and attempt an LDR, the risk of failure is extremely high.

Once you get closure from no more communication with her, try to stick to local dating and make sure you meet within two weeks of both showing interest. That way you can vette dating prospects far quicker than a long distance situation.

Whether it be a dating prospect or a job, many people are disappointed if they don't get what they want at the time. But when you're hired for an even better job or meet someone you eventually can't envision living without, you will understand that the path you took in life was for the better. Take care.

[ShySoul]

On 4/4/2024 at 10:00 AM, Absy said:

Now, three to four days later, I feel really sad, and everything reminds me of her. I'm even questioning if I made the right decision by cutting contact... It made me more sad and angry, not the fact that she's with someone now, but the fact that she wasn't honest with me and told me the truth even after asking her so many times about it. 

I keep thinking maybe somewhere along the line I did something wrong or maybe I played my cards wrong with her, especially since at the beginning she showed a lot of interest in me.

Those are all the natural feelings I would imagine most people would be going through. It's tough when things don't work out. Everything does remind you of the person. You question every little decison and actions, wondering what happened or if you did the right thing. You blame yourself for things that weren't wrong or you had no control over. And the lies are always the most painful part.

Her feelings are her own and her actions were her decision. Nothing you could have said or done would have guaranteed this to work out. You could have done everything perfect, been the ideal gentleman in every way, and she still could have made the same choices. So don't beat yourself up over it. You tried your best and it didn't work out. Take the time you need to grieve/heal. Know you will survive the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with things ending. And know there is something better out there, Keep the faith.

[Absy]

I just feel like crap, and I feel angry, mostly at myself for feeling this way, for getting so attached to someone in a very short period, someone I haven't even met in person, just over the phone. Someone who chose to be with someone else, someone who probably doesn't even care how I'm feeling now. I know I'll get over this with time, but I feel stuck at the moment. I just don't want to take too long feeling like this.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Absy said:

. Someone who chose to be with someone else, someone who probably doesn't even care how I'm feeling now. I know I'll get over this with time, but I feel stuck at the moment. I just don't want to take too long feeling like this.

Try not to beat yourself up over it. She sort of strung you along with the help of your sister. If anything you dodged a bullet. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Absy said:

I just feel like crap, and I feel angry, mostly at myself for feeling this way, for getting so attached to someone in a very short period, someone I haven't even met in person, just over the phone...

@AbsyI completely understand feeling like crap; your feelings are 100% valid no matter what they were/are based on - in part fantasy, in part idealization, in part the "unknown," in part your communications and connection.

What I don't really understand though is why you're angry at yourself - you're human!  You felt a connection!

I'm not invalidating your feeling angry at yourself but try to give your own self a break here.

Try and be kinder to yourself - forgive yourself!  Again you're human with feelings and emotions.

Be thankful you're actually able to FEEL!  Some people aren't so fortunate, they are so shut down (depression, avoidance or whatever), they're unable to feel much of anything.  

I went through a depression many years ago and I was literally numb to ALL emotions, I wasn't able to feel a damn thing about anyone or anything.

Trust me that is far worse than what you're feeling now - heartbreak, pain and the loss of someone special in your life and the dream.

Fwiw, I recently experienced what you are now, not on the same level but the feelings were real, for me.

It's the loss of the dream of that person mostly, the possibility of what might have been. 

We never met in person either and I think it might be difficult for those who have never experienced that to understand it.

Anyway, I don't think you did anything 'wrong' or that you need therapy. 

You fell for a REAL live human being, NOT a robot.  

If she were a robot, then I'd worry!!  Lol

Like in the movie "Her" with Joaquin Phoenix, ever see it? 

Check it out if you haven't, you'll feel better about yourself and your own sitch I promise you!  💛

 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Absy said:

I just feel like crap, and I feel angry, mostly at myself for feeling this way, for getting so attached to someone in a very short period, someone I haven't even met in person, just over the phone. Someone who chose to be with someone else, someone who probably doesn't even care how I'm feeling now. I know I'll get over this with time, but I feel stuck at the moment. I just don't want to take too long feeling like this.

Think of this time in your life as conditioning yourself with experiences. It's how we all learn, by living.

It's very rare to take up with someone nice and early and have everything run smoothly and lead to marriage and a baby carriage. This means you'll need to learn how to weather falling out of relationships along the way. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and self kindness is crucial. Find ways to reward yourself for your efforts, and understand that the RIGHT person will view you through the RIGHT lens. That's not most people, so buckle up and learn how to depersonalize bad matches as nothing more insulting than trying to match two pieces of a puzzle that don't fit together.

Relax, let your right person recognize you, and let everyone else drop away early.

Head high.

[ShySoul]

Absy, don't feel too bad. Its easy to be swept away and get lost in a feeling. It can happen to anyone and happens all the time. No reason to be angry with yourself. As someone who has wasted far to much time berating myself for times were I didn't even do anything wrong, let me say that its pointless. What happened, happened. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and go through the process of recovering, however long it takes. But know that you weren't wrong to feel as you did. And you will recover in time.

And I agree with rainbows, be thankful you can feel so deeply. That is a gift. Yes, it means the hurt will be intense. But think how amazing it will be when the right one comes along. You'll experience the highest of highs eventually. That is better then not feeling at all.

[Absy]

It's been almost a month now, and I'm feeling better than before, but sometimes I still feel sad. I honestly don't know why it's taking this long to get over her and move on.

I sometimes feel the urge to text her and get some things off my chest, even though I know she might not care. But I believe saying it will help me move on faster.

[Batya33]

Say it by writing or typing it out then sending it to yourself. Your hard time isn't about her as a person but about you.  I hope  you feel better and more peaceful.

[catfeeder]

While the exercise of writing might help to clarify things in your mind and get them off your chest, I would not send such a message. Think about your intentions. Do you want to try to influence your ex in any way? If so, it's an attempt to manipulate her, and she'll see through it. If not, there's no reason to send it, because no matter how you slice it, the overall message behind your message would be, "I'm still so hung up on you that I can't manage self control, so instead of writing privately to myself, I'm sending this to try to influence you, no matter how unattractive it makes me appear."

Don't do it. Understand that nobody can tell another when their grief 'should' subside, but I can tell you that healing isn't something that magically happens 'to' us. It requires our participation. Think of how you are spending your time, and if it hasn't been invested in tending to those friends and family in your life who you may have neglected in favor of this relationship, please consider reaching out to set up time with each of them. Make commitments you will not break. Whether you help a neighbor garden or clean out a garage, or you just treat someone to a drink or a meal and listen to them, it will move you out of your own way, and it will help you to 'normalize' and feel valued again. It leads to confidence as it gets you back out into the world.

Our focus is everything. If you're ruminating, you're drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and you're making your own healing more difficult. If you can invest, instead, in pursuing some interests, hobbies, time giving of yourself to other people, you are making that climb forward one step at a time.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Absy said:

I sometimes feel the urge to text her and get some things off my chest

What is it you want to say to her? 

[Absy]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What is it you want to say to her? 

To express my feelings honestly and respectfully, while also seeking closure and understanding about what went wrong in our relationship. I want her to know that I cared about her deeply and that I'm willing to take responsibility for any mistakes I may have made. Ultimately, I'm hoping to find peace of mind and closure for myself, regardless of the outcome.

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Absy said:

To express my feelings honestly and respectfully, while also seeking closure and understanding about what went wrong in our relationship. I want her to know that I cared about her deeply and that I'm willing to take responsibility for any mistakes I may have made. Ultimately, I'm hoping to find peace of mind and closure for myself, regardless of the outcome.

You never met her, so you were never in a relationship. She was an online entity who repeatedly refused to meet you in person.

Has she asked to talk to you for "closure" and to explain why she refused to meet you?

Look, I get that you became very invested in this situation, but it had zero chance of ever being anything other than an online chat buddy. And that was her choice. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You never met her, so you were never in a relationship. She was an online entity who repeatedly refused to meet you in person.

Oh, geez. I forgot about this part. OP, you don't need 'closure' from something that was never opened.

The woman likely enjoyed being a pen pal until she got invested in her own real life. That's not a reflection on you.

[ShySoul]

On 4/4/2024 at 10:00 AM, Absy said:

So, I called her three days ago and had one last talk with her about how I noticed things have changed between us. She kept insisting that everything is fine. At the end, I told her that it's best if we cut contact because I definitely know there's something wrong, but she doesn't want to admit whatever it is. I asked her if there's anything she would like to say, and she said there's nothing, which made me truly believe that she's no longer interested in me.

Now, three to four days later, I feel really sad, and everything reminds me of her. I'm even questioning if I made the right decision by cutting contact. I found out today from my sister that about two weeks ago, around the same time she started acting cold with me, she met another guy

You did contact her. You did express your feelings honestly and respectfully. I'm guessing in that conversation you said you cared for her and wanted to work things out. She was the one who said everything was fine and proceeded to meet another guy. What more could you say to her that would change how you feel?

What you are experiencing is a relapse. That's natural. It's only been three weeks. As I said in a previous post, it took me three months before I was okay. I wanted to reach out so many times. I told her all along that I cared deeply and owned up to all my mistakes. But it wasn't going to make a difference how many times I told her if she didn't want to listen. I had to focus on myself, day by day. Eventually I got better. When I did speak to her, she contacted me. Hearing from her did give me the final closure I needed, but it had to happen when it was right. If I had kept going to her, I would have remained stuck in my feelings even longer.

Closure is just as much about you as it is them. The truth is that we never fully know what another person is thinking. Sometimes we won't get the answers we want from them, especially if they refuse to tell us. To continually try to get those answers creates an endless cycle of questioning and doubt. At a certain point you have to know that you tried and that anything else needs to be on the other person. You have to focus on being happy with yourself. 

I second the notion of writing something out just for you. A journal, a poem, a story, some form of art... anything that helps you to get those feelings out and relives the hurt and stress building inside you. But do it for you, don't involve her.

Trust me, things will get better. You are getting there, it just takes time.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Absy said:

To express my feelings honestly and respectfully, while also seeking closure and understanding about what went wrong in our relationship

You weren't in a relationship with her, Absy. 

And there is no telling if she will be honest with you or even reply to you. The reason I asked what you want to say to her was to encourage you to write it out here rather than messaging her about it. 

It won't help you move on. It will serve to keep you stuck when A) she replies with someone that upsets you, B) she doesn't reply at all, or C) you later kick yourself for seeking closure from someone you have never even met. 

You really need to let go of this idea. 

[Andrina]

It's certainly okay at first to wallow by listening to sad songs, watch movies that reflect how you're feeling, and to journal about the lady in question. But if this goes on more than a few months, and you're immersing yourself in everything "her" by looking at her photos, reading old messages, etc., you're keeping her very present in your life.

I'm not saying you're doing all of that, but if any of that rings true, it needs to stop.

I'm glad you feel some improvement, anyway. As I've often said, work on building a fulfilling life solo and then one day you will be ready to share that fun, fulfilling life with another lady. The type of man who has his own interesting life besides dating will attract decent women, versus a man who scares away women if she's the only bright light in his life.

 

[Absy]

On 4/25/2024 at 12:52 AM, Absy said:

relationship

 

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

 by looking at her photos, reading old messages, etc.,

 

I have deleted everything, photos, chats, messages. All