Meeting Men, Dating and Sexting... Ugh!

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do these men in real life know what you are looking for in terms of the future?

No we have not gotten that far yet.  So far I am casually dating (no sex) until I meet a man with whom I want to date "one at a time" which is how I have always dated.

 

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You've written many words -interesting of course but -a lot! -so forgive me if I assumed you'd met through an app

Yes I have written many words, I am responding to all the posts.  I have mentioned several times throughout the thread that these were men I met in real life.

But no worries, I forgive you!!😆

I think it's relevant because typically the caliber of men on the apps is quite different from men women meet in real life, but yet the men I have met in real life want to sext same as the men on line.

 

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, kim42 said:

My replies, as far as I remember:

1. I told him I'm looking for a relationship and not just sex, he didn't stop sexting me so I unmatched him.

2. I told him I don't send pictures to guys I never met in real life.

3. I told him that although I enjoyed our date, I didn't feel comfortable having a sexual conversation with him. 

4. I think I had to block this one, he just went too far with sexting, I think he might have been drunk.

These are excellent replies for handing the situation..

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No we have not gotten that far yet.  So far I am casually dating (no sex) until I meet a man with whom I want to date "one at a time" which is how I have always dated.

 

Yes I have written many words, I am responding to all the posts.  I have mentioned several times throughout the thread that these were men I met in real life.

But no worries, I forgive you!!😆

I think it's relevant because typically the caliber of men on the apps is quite different from men women meet in real life, but yet the men I have met in real life want to sext same as the men on line.

 

Oh I see - because I could screen on line often they were better matches for me.  Thanks for clarifying you mentioned it several times.  Many who responded here referenced real life and apps. To me no big difference especially if you meet a stranger in real life.  (Different if it's already someone you know !). I understand to you there is a difference -thanks for explaining!

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So far I am casually dating (no sex) until I meet a man with whom I want to date "one at a time" which is how I have always dated.

Yes - I multidated but only men who wanted marriage and family -if we met in real life I tried to determine that ASAP without being heavy handed.  Typically they shared that with me early on.  When I dated casually or wanted a fling -which was rare but happened like on vacation or the couple of temporary "breaks" I took during all those years of dating - then yes I met men who were not really the best match for the long term for one reason or another and if on vacation then for sure there was an assumption we would hook up pretty soon -on our brief time in the same location!  For all we know your recent experiences may simply be a coincidence!

[rainbowsandroses]

Guys I think my question (has sexting become the norm in today's dating culture) has been answered, thank you to everyone who has responded!

I think it may be a combination of that plus my carefree and perhaps more sexual vibe that I am not even consciously aware of, that is sending the covert message to these guys that I am okay with sexting (or might be) so they ask and/or take it upon themselves to send an explicit sext like last night's guy, whether as some sort of "test" (like another poster mentioned, sorry cannot remember who off the top) or whatever.

Not sure yet what I am going to do about last night's guy.  Since I have not responded, I keep hoping he will take the hint that it wasn't to my liking and send another apologizing or something.

Even though I realize I am being completely passive! and should be direct and tell him something along the lines of how @Sindy_0311responds.

NOT my best moment!

 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Guys I think my question (has sexting become the norm in today's dating culture) has been answered, thank you to everyone who have responded!

I think it may be a combination of that plus my carefree and perhaps more sexual vibe that I am not even consciously aware of, that is sending the covert message to these guys that I am okay with sexting (or might be) so they ask and/or take it upon themselves to send an explicit sext like last night's guy, whether as some sort of a test or whatever.

Not sure yet what I am going to do about last night's guy.  Since I have not responded, I keep hoping he will take the hint that it wasn't to my liking and send another apologizing or something.

Even though I realize I am being completely passive and should be direct and tell him something along the lines of what @Sindy_0311tells them.

NOT my best moment!

 

I would see him again only if you are ready to continue that sort of thing very soon -even if he apologizes he's shown you who he is and he thinks it's appropriate to speak to a woman he barely knows in that manner.  I also would assume he's interested in having sex sooner than later and if you are as well then that works of course.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

.Not sure yet what I am going to do about last night's guy.  Since I have not responded, I keep hoping he will take the hint 

Exactly. No reply IS a reply. See what happens. If he's otherwise decent or interesting maybe it's worth it.  Otherwise he let his inner creep be revealed so it's confusing. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am on a dating app, but I really do prefer to meet men IRL.  Last night's date I met IRL and the date I have on Saturday I met IRL.

Saturday's date asked me (verbatim I just re-read his text) "would it be okay if I were more sexual with you"?  We have met IRL but Saturday night is our first date.

I replied with my standard "hmm, not sure I am comfortable with that, it's one of my boundaries" and so far he has respected it.

Yes, it's good to let a potential partner know that you're not comfortable with certain things, like being more sexual too soon. Some men are going to test you (or decide they're not okay with it), but I think you're better off making your boundaries clear and losing those men, than making an uncomfortable compromise to 'keep' them.

I'm not suggesting that is 100% what is happening in this case, but I mean in general. I feel a lot of women may make compromises or remain in a situation where their boundaries are being constantly pushed because they're afraid to lose a man's attention or affection.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I feel a lot of women may make compromises or remain in a situation where their boundaries are being constantly pushed because they're afraid to lose a man's attention or affection.

I don't like to admit this, to myself or anyone, but there is a lot of truth to this if I'm honest.

After my lawyer girlfriend confronted me with "if you're attracted to him, why not just sext back, have fun with it'! I actually thought about putting on some sort of facade and responding with something equally sexual versus having him think I was a big prude!!

But I know better and would NOT be okay with myself if I did that.  So..... if I never hear from him again because he thinks I am a big prude because I didn't want to sext, then once again SO BE.

I look forward to my date on Saturday who thus far has respected my boundary.

 

 

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't like to admit this, to myself or anyone, but there is a lot of truth to this if I'm honest.

After my lawyer girlfriend confronted me with "if you're attracted to him, why not just sext back, have fun with it'! I actually thought about putting on some sort of facade and responding with something equally sexual versus having him think I was a big prude!!

But I know better and would NOT be okay with myself if I did that.  So..... if I never hear from him again because he thinks I am a big prude because I didn't want to sext, then once again SO BE.

I look forward to my date on Saturday who thus far has respected my boundary.

 

 

I went on a date once with a man that asked if he could 'hug me' at the end of our date. I thought it was so sweet — he asked for permission and respected my answer (which was yes, I did want a hug!). I am not sure how I would feel about asking to be more sexual in those words, hah, but the asking to hug really resonated with me and made me much more comfortable.

I am glad that you felt he was being respectful and communicating his desires clearly rather than just assuming you were on the same page. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't like to admit this, to myself or anyone, but there is a lot of truth to this if I'm honest.

After my lawyer girlfriend confronted me with "if you're attracted to him, why not just sext back, have fun with it'! I actually thought about putting on some sort of facade and responding with something equally sexual versus having him think I was a big prude!!

But I know better and would NOT be okay with myself if I did that.  So..... if I never hear from him again because he thinks I am a big prude because I didn't want to sext, then once again SO BE.

I look forward to my date on Saturday who thus far has respected my boundary.

 

 

Good for you! Stick to who you are. I was told stuff like this all throughout my dating -to compromise my standards and values - nope.  I really can't stand the "have fun" -so it's fun for her doesn't mean it's fun for you.  And her work/profession is irrelevant - I was different in a number of ways as between my professional and romantic life - often there's no connection at all between choice of profession/career and how one conducts themselves in a dating relationship etc - 

[Coily]

As a man, I have experienced something very similar with the women I've been interested in. I have had about 50-60% of these women initiate sexting or try to steer things in a sexual direction. One woman started sending me nudes right after a coffee date. Another asked for pics of me after a second date. So it's not just you seeing the trend.

I do have a working theory, and matches up with my experiences. Sexting has become more normal due to the pandemic. People had urges but since a lot of the gathering places were closed, sexting became more of an outlet for primal urges. After two years it became "normal" for some people as a way to vet a partner or fling.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

The only thing I can think of that has changed is me and the "vibe" I am giving off that is telling them it's okay for them to suggest sexting or flat out sending me an explicit sext.

 

If I remember correctly the guy you  broke up with last week approached you with a very sexually explicit remark.   It seemed to have been a good move on his part.  

Honestly, there is something going on - I remember back in 2016 when brilliantly named American Congressman Anthony Weiner sent a *** pic to a woman.  That was the first time I became aware that this was a "thing."   

A few years ago a close friends' 10 year old son sent one to a girl classmate with whom he'd been ... sort of ... "sexting."  The girl was flattered about it and participated herself.  He was a lovely kid who has grown into a great young man.  But he had been reading about that kind of thing on Reddit or someplace and honestly thought it was an appropriate way for guys to interact with girls that they liked.  

He won't be doing any more of it, however - unlike the guys you've been encountering.  

[Coily]

The days of "Carlos Danger" lol.

[boltnrun]

So, have you completely revamped your previous "live only for today" philosophy? Because if you still embrace that mindset it's not surprising the men you meet are sexually forward. They figure you're down for a "good time" and don't care about the future or if there even IS a future. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So, have you completely revamped your previous "live only for today" philosophy? Because if you still embrace that mindset it's not surprising the men you meet are sexually forward. They figure you're down for a "good time" and don't care about the future or if there even IS a future. 

Bolt, I have been embracing the "live for today" philosophy since I was 18 years old.  It has never affected the type of men I attract or our developing a committed relationship.

"Live for today" does not mean casual, it does not mean I am only out for a "good time," it means letting go of unrealistic expectations and appreciating the "here and now" --  the moment.

"The past is history, the future is a mystery and this moment is a gift, which is why it is called the present."  A quote by Deepak Chopra although he was not the originator.

It's not cut in stone, for example I was unable to let go of my recent ex-boyfriend's abusive past.  For the most part, it means focusing on the present and not worrying so much about what will happen "tomorrow."  

But that is not what this thread is about and would prefer to keep the thread on topic.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

If I remember correctly the guy you  broke up with last week approached you with a very sexually explicit remark.   It seemed to have been a good move on his part

I am curious who you are referring to?  

Last week I stopped interacting with a man from Texas (a cowboy) because I didn't enjoy messaging with him.  That interaction has since faded but he never made a sexually explicit remark to me, the guy was extremely polite!

I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago because he has an abusive past that I couldn't shake.  He was a good man who treated me very well.

EDIT:  

Okay NOW I remember who and what you are referring to!  Sorry about that!

That was my recent ex however he did not approach me with the sexually explicit remark.  We met on an elevator and he was perfectly polite when we met.

It was later on while we were on our date that he told me he had gotten, how shall I say this - excited? - when he first saw me on the elevator.  lol

We had been drinking and bantering and it was a funny comment, I did not take offense to it at all.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

unlike the guys you've been encountering.  

Unlike the guys many women encounter.  On this forum alone - Kim, Sindy, Starlight, and myself for starters.  And I think maybe yogacat.

Apparently it has become somewhat of the norm so I will have to learn to deal with it and continue to maintain my boundaries.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

I do have a working theory, and matches up with my experiences. Sexting has become more normal due to the pandemic. People had urges but since a lot of the gathering places were closed, sexting became more of an outlet for primal urges. After two years it became "normal" for some people as a way to vet a partner or fling.

This makes A LOT of sense!  

[LootieTootie]

I hope thats not the norm these days but then again, I haven't been dating for 9 years. 

I think you can only be you and don't put on a facade just to keep someone interested. If someone is in to you, they do not need you to sext them.

Some people are fine with sexting. One of my work friend was like this with her boyfriend when they started dating (met on Tinder). I would always hear her phone go off. They were nonstop sexting. I used to cringe at some of the stuff she told me they texted each other but I would be lying if I said I was not entertained, LOL. They're married with kids now. 

 

[catfeeder]

Sounds coincidental, maybe because you're engaging more men at a time, so it feels like a sudden cluster-F? You'd likely have encountered this from these particular men, anyway, had you met them over a longer period of time. So the good news is, you can allow this to be a way for the wrong men to screen themselves out. You don't have to do a thing but block them.

I think @Jaunty might be onto something about the pandemic shutdowns. That period may have 'normalized' this. Add to that, this is not a generation that grew up ogling tame airbrushed pics in printed magazines like prior generations. They've had early access to any kind of porn you can think of--or can't even imagine--dominance, violence and kink. This stuff was their 'teacher' about sex.

Another recent trend is the highest percentages of women flooding colleges and becoming successful, and they aren't willing to 'date down'. They're all in competition for the smaller margin of equally educated and successful men. So those guys don't need to try so hard. The 'price' of sex has been reduced from marriage in the 50's, or 3 expensive dates in the 80's, to today--it can be one lazy text in the middle of the night, "You up?"

I hope you'll maintain your private standards and won't allow yourself to be peer pressured away from those. You're not looking for a mass market, you're seeking only one 'right' man.

Head high!

[rainbowsandroses]

28 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

One of my work friend was like this with her boyfriend when they started dating (met on Tinder).

I actually think that's fine, difference is they were actually "dating".  I have nothing against sexting; it can be fun and a great way to connect in between dates.

I'm referring to men I've met either in real life or online with whom I have yet to meet in person or go on an actual date or been on 1-2 casual dates.

But yes there are women who are perfectly fine with sexting strangers, men they've never met in person or have yet to have a date with and I don't judge them, it's just not for me.

I knew a woman a few years who was flattered, she thought it meant they wanted to date her, she'd meet them and have sex (like hot sex from what she described) the first night.

Sometimes she'd hear from then again (for more sex) and sometimes not.

I recall consoling her once after she was ghosted after one such encounter. 

For me?  I have to actually "feel" something like a connection of sorts before I can get comfortable with it.

I am beginning to think I'm some sort of weirdo! Lol

 

 

[mylolita]

Morning rainbows!

 

Apologies, I haven’t read the entire rest of the thread - and I haven’t dated since I was 18, so this kinda rules me out! 
 

But if I were a modern single woman dating I would personally find it so disrespectful for a guy to sext me after maybe only one date or two. It would rule the whole thing out for me. And I am definitely not an uptight kinda gal. I was a stripper and lapdancer between the ages of 18-21, but I do, when it comes to proper relationships, have very high and traditional standards. For example, I wouldn’t sleep with a man for months. It’s up to other women of course but when I hear of someone jumping into bed with a guy after the first date or first few dates I always think it’s a bad idea. 
 

The sex can always wait, and is always better built up anyway! And with someone you really love! 
 

That aside, I think you are in a great era of self exploration and expansion here! I wish I was - LOL! 
 

I’m curious to what you’re looking for in your potential new guy? Do you have a clear cut idea and steadfast principles regarding this or are you more flexible? 
 

And what made you venture online and into apps when you, like me, dislike the online stuff so much?

 

Genuinely, all the best! I think you are doing some great work and it’s really admirable and inspiring! 
 

x

[Kwothe28]

If the norm is to jump in the well before dating somebody, would you do it?

I have a theory about "D pics" for example. And that is that nobody would try that move if it didnt work out sometimes somewhere. If those men were not getting positive affirmation from at least some woman, they wouldnt be doing it at all since they would know that it wouldnt work. But like this we are left with people who dont have a "limiter" when it comes to interactions. 

Same with just saying sexually explicit stuff. Keep in mind that you are basically on "hookup apps". Where lots of people are there specifically for a hookup, and not to find meaningful connection. So their language is adjusted to that. Asking you sexually explicit stuff or even just straight up asking for a sex after 2-3 messages is something that you will encounter rather frequently.

I asked about the well jumping because every person has their own limits with who they are comfortable. If your friend likes sexting and has that kind of behavior on apps, doesnt mean you do. Nore that you should follow if you arent comfortable with that. Set your own limits and dont follow a trend.

[mylolita]

It feels like modern dating is getting trashier and also, when people are behind phone or computer screens, they are generally much bolder. Probably encourages the confidence to sex talk?! Where as, they wouldn’t probably do in on the car ride back home after the first date in person! 
 

x