Meeting Men, Dating and Sexting... Ugh!

[Batya33]

I wouldn't be ok with it.  But it's so individual! I also wasn't ok with any pushiness for sex on first date - and never had anything serious with anyone who tried that. It was most often a sign we were not a good match.

[boltnrun]

His go to for dealing with stress is to be sexually inappropriate?

Wonder what he might do if you two are in a relationship and he feels "stressed".

If it were me...I would not go out with him again. If I did it would be giving him tacit approval to behave this way again.

But perhaps you find it intriguing?

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't be ok with it.  But it's so individual! I also wasn't ok with any pushiness for sex on first date - and never had anything serious with anyone who tried that. It was most often a sign we were not a good match.

I can understand that but then also thought "well he's attracted and wants to have sex with me, that's okay.  He tried for it, nothing necessary wrong with that, the important thing was he respected my boundaries."

A few of my long term ex's tried for early sex, I replied I wasn't ready, again they respected it and me and we continued dating and ended up having a LTR.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

His go to for dealing with stress is to be sexually inappropriate?

Wonder what he might do if you two are in a relationship and he feels "stressed".

If it were me...I would not go out with him again. If I did it would be giving him tacit approval to behave this way again.

But perhaps you find it intriguing?

No I don't find it "intriguing" in the least. 

I am only considering seeing him again based on how great our date was Tuesday night. 

He made a mistake sexting me, he apologized.

Oh I don't know but I should probably respond sooner rather than later with something.

Thanks for your responses.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I can understand that but then also thought "well he's attracted and wants to have sex with me, that's okay.  He tried for it, nothing necessary wrong with that, the important thing was he respected my boundaries."

A few of my long term ex's tried for early sex, I replied I wasn't ready, again they respected it and me and we continued dating and ended up having a LTR.

That analysis is totally fine if it works for you.  That it wouldn't for me is irrelevant- I'm totally fine with what people want -it's how they express it that's important to me as far as compatibility.  That way of expressing would not be ok with me in a potentially serious relatonship.  It may have been for a fling depending.  Other ways of expressing might be ok it all depends. For me it's very important to me how people act on strong feelings of every kind and especially in the early and first impression stage. For me I wouldn't see it as a mistake.  He intended to write that.  Again this is just me. You are asking for opinions.  This is JMHO.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Batya33 said:

That analysis is totally fine if it works for you.  That it wouldn't for me is irrelevant- I'm totally fine with what people want -it's how they express it that's important to me as far as compatibility.  That way of expressing would not be ok with me in a potentially serious relatonship.  It may have been for a fling depending.  Other ways of expressing might be ok it all depends. For me it's very important to me how people act on strong feelings of every kind and especially in the early and first impression stage.  Again this is just me. You are asking for opinions.  This is JMHO.

Thanks Bat, I appreciate it. 😀

[Batya33]

Separately for decades now I've hated the boys will be boys/can't blame a guy for trying notions.  "But he's attracted to you so of course he couldn't help himself but [fill in blank of inappropriate touching/comments, whatever]"  It's used to justify inappropriate behavior and much worse. Luckily it's a minority of men who behave this way and I think it's not as common -I hope -to give those minority of men a pass for behaving in this way.  In those situations humans can help themselves especially from typing out a text and clicking send. I wouldn't see it as a positive as in "at least it means he's attracted to me!!"

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I have a date tonight with another guy who actually asked if he could be sexual with me on text

  We did have a really good time on our date Tuesday night.  

If you are on the fence about sexter 1, another date can't hurt. Have fun with sexter 2, try not to drink too much green beer 🍻

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In those situations humans can help themselves especially from typing out a text and clicking send. I wouldn't see it as a positive as in "at least it means he's attracted to me!!"

I agree, I didn't and don't view the sexting as a positive meaning "oh he must be so attracted to me" not in the least.

I wasn't flattered and never thought it meant that.

With my ex's trying for sex early in, well the fact was, they were attracted to me just as I was attracted to them, it was a mutual attraction, it was obvious to both of us.

I just didn't always feel comfortable having sex right away.  After I expressed that, they respected it. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are on the fence about sexter 1, another date can't hurt. Have fun with sexter 2, try not to drink too much green beer 🍻

I know!  Tomorrow is St. Patty's Day.  I hope it's not too crazy downtown tonight!

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree, I didn't and don't view the sexting as meaning "oh he must be so attracted to me" not in the least, I wasn't flattered and never thought it meant that.

With my ex's trying for sex early in, well the fact was, they were attracted to me just as I was attracted to them, it was a mutual attraction, it was obvious to both of us.

I just didn't always feel comfortable having sex right away.  After I expressed that, they respected it. 

 

Yes, it depends on whether the man is comfortable with sex early on and whether he wants to inform the woman he'd like to have sex with her.  Nothing to do with feeling attracted - that's separate from how to react and whether to have sex as a reaction. Feeling attracted is normal! When a man shared that with me early on if I declined and he stopped asking that was ok - and what it told me was he was comfortable with sex early on, which I wasn't.  And that could be ok depending on how things went after that. I have friends who found it very important to have sex early on so that comment would have been perfect and would have been acted on.  Others were comfortable enough with it.  

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He made a mistake sexting me, he apologized.

This is interesting to me.  Do you think he accidentally sent you the sext?  Or was his mistake in thinking you would like it and would do the same back to him?

What I would wonder is if he would have apologized and blamed it on stress if you had enthusiastically responded.  

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is interesting to me.  Do you think he accidentally sent you the sext?  Or was his mistake in thinking you would like it and would do the same back to him?

What I would wonder is if he would have apologized and blamed it on stress if you had enthusiastically responded.  

Oh I see - you mean - he was stressed and meant to send that to another woman? Or didn't mean to click send? I didn't read it that way but - sure I guess.  

[boltnrun]

54 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I see - you mean - he was stressed and meant to send that to another woman? Or didn't mean to click send? I didn't read it that way but - sure I guess.  

?

No, that isn't what I wrote. Rainbow said he made a "mistake" and I was asking for clarification of what the mistake was. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

A few of my long term ex's tried for early sex, I replied I wasn't ready, again they respected it and me and we continued dating and ended up having a LTR.

In a previous thread, you mentioned that your past partners have been abusive towards you. So I would not go by that. If someone starts sexting early on, it might be a sign to steer clear of the "bad boy" type.

It's a bit different if you had been on a few dates and your kissing and he runs his hand across your breast after a few dates and you say, no no, I'm not quite ready for that yet and he replies, ok honey, let's wait...

When someone jumps straight into sexting before meeting in person or even on a first date, its a boundary pusher. Asking if he can get sexual with you is persuasive with high pressure. It seems from this thread that you're not 100% comfortable with this kind of action and it doesn't make you a prude.

[Sindy_0311]

At least he wasn’t afraid to give you a faux impression about what his intentions are… 

I definitely would not have gone on a second date according to the sexting + his lame response. I remember the last guy, ´red flag guy’ (the one I had to cut of because he didn’t want to invite me over) after our 3rd date he texted me something like « maybe you deserve a slap on your a… » this text really bothered me, and I called him out about it saying it was to soon for this kind of exchanges… (we had only kissed at this point) when I think about it now, I regret I didn’t cut him off right after that text because it was a clear sign that his intentions towards me were never serious. (Then followed by other strange behaviors that I overlooked because I already was to attracted to him)

I cannot grasp the fact that a man having serious intentions towards you would take the risk to make you think otherwise or doubt it. 

From now on, when a guy gets sexual to early in our conversations, I just take the hint and either cut him of, or date him casually, which is exactly what is happening with my current one… 

EDIT: was great to put a face on your name @rainbowsandroses You look so beautiful. Giving you my face for a short time too 😉 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

?

No, that isn't what I wrote. Rainbow said he made a "mistake" and I was asking for clarification of what the mistake was. 

Oh ok I misread what you wrote. Thanks!

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

after our 3rd date he texted me something like « maybe you deserve a slap on your a… » this text really bothered me, and I called him out about it saying it was to soon for this kind of exchanges… (we had only kissed at this point) when I think about it now, I regret I didn’t cut him off right after that text because it was a clear sign that his intentions towards me were never serious. (Then followed by other strange behaviors that I overlooked because I already was to attracted to him)

Also why would we have to teach an adult that that is not ok in that situation - isn't it obvious -if the person is looking to interact with another human as a whole person and it's not an arrangement like a sex arrangement where that's likely ok from the first second? I mostly didn't bother -if a man lacked basic manners/common sense I stopped contact - not for me to lecture.  

 

[mylolita]

This seems like a preference thing rainbows, but! 
 

None of this would have even made it to date uno with me or a date at all. Personally, what is going on here? They are telling you their intentions and how they view you - first thing they want to clear/try out/on their mind is sex? 
 

I am so opened minded and sexuality is massively important to me. I was a lapdancer and stripper so I am no prude and no closet uppity - but this is all screaming no respect purely casual not going anywhere and they aren’t looking at you with the goo goo eyes of love.

 

This all boils down to - how important is your time? What do you want?

 

If you want casual, can do hook ups, all of that, and walk away un-damaged and having had fun, I say go for it! So very few women can. On the other hand, if you are looking for something serious, someone who has potential to really love you and care for you, I really doubt this is it. And also, in my opinion, women and men so often waste their precious time and youth on casual stuff just to stop loneliness or “see where it could go” and have fun and so much else when that time could be spent either helping yourself or finding someone that really matters for the long term - forever.

 

I am jumping the gun here and presuming you are in the end wanting something very serious?

 

If not, I would say carry on but just have what this means in the back of your mind.

 

My husband who I’ve been with for 15 years, when I met him he has come out of a long relationship and was involved with all kinds of hook ups, f buddies etc. friends with benefits. The night he met me he scrapped all that and never tried to even sleep with me for at least a few months and, I’m glad because he wouldn’t have gotten very far either! 
 

Think about your worth. How hard are you to get? How “valuable” are you? How are these men seeing you? Would they advise their sisters to go on dates with guys like this? Or would they want better for their sisters? 
 

People show you how they feel about you - actions speak louder than words!

 

And to ask and try to clear sex before a first date?! Oh my goodness! Why is this guy not getting back out there alone after you say thank you, but no thank you Casanova? 🤣 This is the driest line ever! It would make me feel like doing the opposite!! 
 

When people verbally ask consent - it’s a sign of bad social skills. And a libido killer. They should just know with the flow. Men who can talk to women and be with women don’t do this! 

 

x

[mylolita]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This is interesting to me.  Do you think he accidentally sent you the sext?  Or was his mistake in thinking you would like it and would do the same back to him?

What I would wonder is if he would have apologized and blamed it on stress if you had enthusiastically responded.  

I think there was absolutely no mistake made! 
 

Back peddling 101! Watch out for this one aka no dates ciao for now! 
 

x

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

This seems like a preference thing rainbows, but! 
 

None of this would have even made it to date uno with me or a date at all. Personally, what is going on here? They are telling you their intentions and how they view you - first thing they want to clear/try out/on their mind is sex? 
 

I am so opened minded and sexuality is massively important to me. I was a lapdancer and stripper so I am no prude and no closet uppity - but this is all screaming no respect purely casual not going anywhere and they aren’t looking at you with the goo goo eyes of love.

 

This all boils down to - how important is your time? What do you want?

 

If you want casual, can do hook ups, all of that, and walk away un-damaged and having had fun, I say go for it! So very few women can. On the other hand, if you are looking for something serious, someone who has potential to really love you and care for you, I really doubt this is it. And also, in my opinion, women and men so often waste their precious time and youth on casual stuff just to stop loneliness or “see where it could go” and have fun and so much else when that time could be spent either helping yourself or finding someone that really matters for the long term - forever.

 

I am jumping the gun here and presuming you are in the end wanting something very serious?

 

If not, I would say carry on but just have what this means in the back of your mind.

 

My husband who I’ve been with for 15 years, when I met him he has come out of a long relationship and was involved with all kinds of hook ups, f buddies etc. friends with benefits. The night he met me he scrapped all that and never tried to even sleep with me for at least a few months and, I’m glad because he wouldn’t have gotten very far either! 
 

Think about your worth. How hard are you to get? How “valuable” are you? How are these men seeing you? Would they advise their sisters to go on dates with guys like this? Or would they want better for their sisters? 
 

People show you how they feel about you - actions speak louder than words!

 

And to ask and try to clear sex before a first date?! Oh my goodness! Why is this guy not getting back out there alone after you say thank you, but no thank you Casanova? 🤣 This is the driest line ever! It would make me feel like doing the opposite!! 
 

When people verbally ask consent - it’s a sign of bad social skills. And a libido killer. They should just know with the flow. Men who can talk to women and be with women don’t do this! 

 

x

THANK YOU for all of this.  This reminded me - in an awesome way -of the monologue about women in Barbie -America Ferrara.  I mean not that it's the same in substance but it's as powerful and meaningful -to me.  Know your worth!!

[mylolita]

Cheers Batya! 
 

I mean, men will say they love the progressiveness, women do what they want, body count doesn’t matter, failed relationship history doesn’t matter - but, I think it does. Whether someone says it or not, if you’re easy to sext and bed and go casual with most guys you date, it gives off a tone!

 

I actually don’t even believe in the go on as many dates as possible philosophy! 
 

Go on a few select ones and only if the guy has blown you off your feet and you’re like, okay girl, this could be THE ONE! Because, why waste your time?! Unless of course, you are out for the casual and then, that’s up to everyone individually but, you have to be aware of time wasted and the consequences of that, and how it might make you feel as well, at the end of the day or night or year, when everything is said and done - where did it get you? 
 

Just an alternative view which I understand comes across judgy and traditional and, I really don’t mean to take that vibe at all! What I’m really saying is - you’re better than that! And your time is worth more! 
 

x

[mylolita]

In my experience watching and knowing men, one guy will treat a girl quite rudely, and like a piece of meat, and then when he meets another girl, he’ll treat her like a Princess! Same guy, different girls.

 

You hear about it when it comes to marriages. Men will say; “The relationship I had with my first wife was totally different” and all the things she complained and nagged him to do, he goes and instantly and quickly does for the second wife he is happier with. Just as a rough example. 
 

People will treat you how you subconsciously demand to be treated, I really do believe that. It applies to men and women as well.

 

x

[Sindy_0311]

53 minutes ago, mylolita said:

In my experience watching and knowing men, one guy will treat a girl quite rudely, and like a piece of meat, and then when he meets another girl, he’ll treat her like a Princess! Same guy, different girls.

I agree 100%. When I divorced from my ex husband we both were dating casually other people, and he happened to sleep with a girl I also know. He confessed to me that he only viewed her casually as he wasn’t that attracted to her. On day, a few month ago, I met this girl in a bar and we talked a bit. She asked why he would never respond to her texts in a timely manner, why he wasn’t taking her out on dates, and why was sometimes so rude towards her during the time they were hanging out together (she happened to develop feelings for him) she would always help him and be there for him, so she asked me how I could manage to have a relationship with someone so inconsistent and disrespectful. I just told him that I never experienced this behavior form his part. With me, he has  always been a gentlemen from the start. He was all in. So I definitely think men can portray different behaviors or communication styles depending of the woman who is standing in front of him: which is why I suggest: take the f** hint and run… 

[mylolita]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I agree 100%. When I divorced from my ex husband we both were dating casually other people, and he happened to sleep with a girl I also know. He confessed to me that he only viewed her casually as he wasn’t that attracted to her. On day, a few month ago, I met this girl in a bar and we talked a bit. She asked why he would never respond to her texts in a timely manner, why he wasn’t taking her out on dates, and why was sometimes so rude towards her during the time they were hanging out together (she happened to develop feelings for him) she would always help him and be there for him, so she asked me how I could manage to have a relationship with someone so inconsistent and disrespectful. I just told him that I never experienced this behavior form his part. With me, he has  always been a gentlemen from the start. He was all in. So I definitely think men can portray different behaviors or communication styles depending of the woman who is standing in front of him: which is why I suggest: take the f** hint and run… 

I think this is very true!

 

And the same happens with women as well so I’m not accused of sexism 🥴

 

You can have one woman say she never wanted kids with one guy, wouldn’t marry, etc and then the right guy comes along and her life goals change on a pin head over night! 
 

I think a lot of men and women say they just want casual but I think when you drill down and if you got them to talk frankly - most want security and long term, life partners. There are a genuine few who really never want to settle and that is of course absolutely fine, as long as they don’t string anyone else along needlessly and are open about where they are coming from. 
 

My biggest “pull the other one” moments happen when I hear people being given the line “let’s just have fun, take things slow and see where this goes”. So many variations of that line which is a string a long catch phase to keep you hooked with the promise of something potentially great; but what they’re really telling you is “I’m not ready to commit, you’re not the right one I want to commit to, but I still want something casual and I’ll call this off later when I can’t get away with my behaviour anymore or you see sense!” 
 

x