Meeting Men, Dating and Sexting... Ugh!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Cheers Batya! 
 

I mean, men will say they love the progressiveness, women do what they want, body count doesn’t matter, failed relationship history doesn’t matter - but, I think it does. Whether someone says it or not, if you’re easy to sext and bed and go casual with most guys you date, it gives off a tone!

 

I actually don’t even believe in the go on as many dates as possible philosophy! 
 

Go on a few select ones and only if the guy has blown you off your feet and you’re like, okay girl, this could be THE ONE! Because, why waste your time?! Unless of course, you are out for the casual and then, that’s up to everyone individually but, you have to be aware of time wasted and the consequences of that, and how it might make you feel as well, at the end of the day or night or year, when everything is said and done - where did it get you? 
 

Just an alternative view which I understand comes across judgy and traditional and, I really don’t mean to take that vibe at all! What I’m really saying is - you’re better than that! And your time is worth more! 
 

x

I multidated because I was very very traditional and marriage minded. I wouldn't be married now if I hadn't.   But I didn't have casual sex, avoided men who had casual sex post-college (I mean didn't love it if during college they'd been overly promiscuous but more understandable -for women too!), and took first impressions to heart.

Many of my female and male friends had casual sex and enjoyed it so much -the variety, excitement, etc.  In the 1980s it was a little different when we had the aids epidemic (this was when we were in our early 20s mostly) but many people find a variety of partners really pleasurable and fun and fulfilling and meaningful.  Know a couple of marriages that started with a one night stand or casual sex.  No judgment either way.  They knew their worth too. I know many women -less so men - who became jaded, cynical, pregnant, STDs, because they chose to have casual sex.  Some of them did not know their worth.

I loved your take on how to react the specific situation and how you described why!

[mylolita]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I multidated because I was very very traditional and marriage minded. I wouldn't be married now if I hadn't.   But I didn't have casual sex, avoided men who had casual sex post-college (I mean didn't love it if during college they'd been overly promiscuous but more understandable -for women too!), and took first impressions to heart.

Many of my female and male friends had casual sex and enjoyed it so much -the variety, excitement, etc.  In the 1980s it was a little different when we had the aids epidemic (this was when we were in our early 20s mostly) but many people find a variety of partners really pleasurable and fun and fulfilling and meaningful.  Know a couple of marriages that started with a one night stand or casual sex.  No judgment either way.  They knew their worth too. I know many women -less so men - who became jaded, cynical, pregnant, STDs, because they chose to have casual sex.  Some of them did not know their worth.

I loved your take on how to react the specific situation and how you described why!

Thanks Batya! 
 

I think we agree minus the multi dating! I mean, within reason. I realise people sometimes have to date quite a lot. I am an advocate for being realistically selective in who you even go on a date with and I would never go on a date out of boredom or “just to see” or for an experience. But as you say this is each to their own!

 

And I think you probably wouldn’t have multi-dated if first time you met your now husband you were both in the right mind set, time, and moment in life? That would have removed years of you both dating further? 
 

I’m all for having a laser beam focus on what you really want and truly knowing yourself in a brutally honest way because, time is short, life is short. We can just about her away with frittering it away in our teens 20s although that still is not so great but, after that, we feel time nipping at our heels and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, really. It makes everything more urgent and gives clarity. Dying people in their last months or year report high clarity and presence. It would be a real gift to be able to have even half of that gratitude and prescience and clarity in our normal, day to day lives.

 

I myself have had casual sex but within my marriage in swingers clubs for a phase, so am too non-judgemental. I say absolutely have fun, as long as you have or are getting what you really want.  It’s when you kid yourself that you’re content with what you’re doing when deep down not where the problems start! 
 

I feel very lucky as I imagine you do too Batya that we found our guys but I realise not all are as lucky and there is also a magical element of, luck! Right place, right time, right person! 
 

x

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I am an advocate for being realistically selective in who you even go on a date with and I would never go on a date out of boredom or “just to see” or for an experience. But as you say this is each to their own!

I agree. I didn't do that after I was a young teenager.  There was an element of luck and timing in my getting myself married off (and for sure luck as far as getting pregnant at 41!!).  Had I not multi dated the timing would have been way off and we wouldn't have reconnected most likely.  Mostly I had to become the right person to find the right person.  That was my work/effort.  I also had to be strong and not settle -it was so tempting especially as my clock ticked.  I'm so very thankful I didn't.  But back on topic - I think being selective is especially important with this particular topic of sexting.

[Jaunty]

Seriously - I don't think there is any question whatsoever:  NO man who has any type of social awareness whatsoever is going to lead with sexting or a di*pic with ANY woman he is hoping for something "romantic" or "deep" with.   

Simply put, it's too risky. 

We are all - probably across every culture represented here on this site - socially conditioned to approach women in a more "courtly" way if we are interested in them as a relationship prospect.  

That's not to say that a woman we see and our first thought is "10/10 would bang" would not end up as our girlfriend or wife.  It happens all the time, including with women who are approached that way.

But - if the man is seeing you that way, he is not coming from a place of wanting to know you right out of the gate.

Except, in the biblical sense ...

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Seriously - I don't think there is any question whatsoever:  NO man who has any type of social awareness whatsoever is going to lead with sexting or a di*pic with ANY woman he is hoping for something "romantic" or "deep" with.   

Simply put, it's too risky. 

We are all - probably across every culture represented here on this site - socially conditioned to approach women in a more "courtly" way if we are interested in them as a relationship prospect.  

That's not to say that a woman we see and our first thought is "10/10 would bang" would not end up as our girlfriend or wife.  It happens all the time, including with women who are approached that way.

But - if the man is seeing you that way, he is not coming from a place of wanting to know you right out of the gate.

Except, in the biblical sense ...

I totally agree with this. In my mind, a man has to be a moron to not consider he could be turning off a woman by taking the risk of sexting before sex has happened.

My theory is that he's speed racer, zooming around the pool of women on the site, and is weeding out the ladies who he has to put months of regular effort in before he can achieve his goal of sex. His way of vetting lets him leave one fast lay so he can move on to the next.

In this particular situation, with the guy backpedaling, he might be willing to give slightly more effort and not bail if he is running out of women on the site or he takes on the challenge when a woman is more attractive than he normally dates.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 I didn't and don't view the sexting as a positive meaning "oh he must be so attracted to me" not in the least.

Sexting before really knowing each other is a  very touchy subject. It can range from "cool, sexy" to "yuck, delete, block".

Then there's a vast middle zone including accepting sexting as a new normal, but not completely sure. 

That seems to be where you are. "A little too frisky at this point, but respects when I apply the brakes". 

So all the can do is date and rest assured nothing is going to happen on a date or in-between dates that you don't want to happen, because you seem to use safe dating practices. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sexting before really knowing each other is a  very touchy subject. It can range from "cool, sexy" to "yuck, delete, block".

Then there's a vast middle zone including accepting sexting as a new normal, but not completely sure. 

That seems to be where you are. "A little too frisky at this point, but respects when I apply the brakes". 

So all the can do is date and rest assured nothing is going to happen on a date or in-between dates that you don't want to happen, because you seem to use safe dating practices. 

Thank you Wise, this^ is pretty much exactly where I'm at with this, you got it! 

I'm also gonna judge it on a case-by-case basis, using my best judgment.

For example, last night's guy (who did not send a t/sext but asked how I felt about it) was very respectful on our date and we had a great time!  

Last Tuesday night's guy who did send me an explicit t/sext (not a D pic but verbally graphic), despite his "apology" which was rather lame imo, I've decided to not go out with him again.

[catfeeder]

I don’t think I could take anyone so sexually forward seriously. He’s flat out shown me that his agenda is not about getting to know me.

No villains here, our priorities are just not aligned, and I wouldn’t be able to pretend my way past that. I’d view every non-sexual experience with him going forward as him containing a silent scream to get on with the sex already—haven’t I pacified you enough!?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Last Tuesday night's guy who did send me an explicit t/sext (not a D pic but verbally graphic), despite his "apology" which was rather lame imo, I've decided to not go out with him again.

Good choice IMO.

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I don’t think I could take anyone so sexually forward seriously. He’s flat out shown me that his agenda is not about getting to know me.

No villains here, our priorities are just not aligned, and I wouldn’t be able to pretend my way past that. I’d view every non-sexual experience with him going forward as him containing a silent scream to get on with the sex already—haven’t I pacified you enough!?

Totally respect your opinion cat, but if you're referring to last night's guy (who again did NOT actually sext me), we talked about it last night and there are shades of gray that made to sense to me.  

After we talked, I DO trust that he's not some horndog who's only agenda is sex, and feel good about my decision to see him again, our second date is this week.  And he is very interested in getting to know me, and I him!   

Tuesday night's guy, again I've decided to not go out with again for same reasons as you stated.  Horndog. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d view every non-sexual experience with him going forward as him containing a silent scream to get on with the sex already—haven’t I pacified you enough!?

@catfeeder, not sure what you mean by the bolded, can you clarify? 

[Jaunty]

41 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d view every non-sexual experience with him going forward as him containing a silent scream to get on with the sex already—haven’t I pacified you enough!?

Most would, I think.  It's like "you can't put toothpaste back in the tube."  

He acted authentically at the start:  his main area of interest was communicated.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

He acted authentically at the start:  his main area of interest was communicated.

I am going to assume you mean Tuesday night's guy who did sext me and I agree with you.  Not gonna go out with him again. 

Last night's guy did not sext me.... and after actually going out with him, talking and getting to know him a bit, I find him to be quite authentic (in a positive way), polite and respectful.

Thanks for your responses guys!  This thread can be closed now. 😀

 

[yogacat]

Perhaps you may think, asking if he can get sexual with you before a first meet (I forget, was it before a first meet, or first date? Still...) "he is just infatuated with me, but men often have difficulty understanding how their behavior is perceived. I suppose I will need to handle the situation maturely and deal with it, as he could potentially be my perfect match."

I (can't speak for anyone else) expect a man to possess social skills and self-awareness at a certain age, and be aware that discussing sex early on is a bad idea! He should know how women see it, and it’s not your job to be a charity for him until he figures it out.

Now, if those are the shoes you'd like to fill, so be it, but I think it's understandable if you'd rather not bother with it.

[rainbowsandroses]

53 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Most would, I think.  

Not necessarily.  Did you read @Coilypost?  There are many women who would not only NOT shut down a man when he sexted her, but she will often initiate it!

I heard the same thing from another man as well. 

And as I posted earlier, I know women who in their own words have said "have fun with it"!

It's a new world. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Perhaps you may think, asking if he can get sexual with you before a first meet (I forget, was it before a first meet, or first date? Still...) "he is just infatuated with me, but men often have difficulty understanding how their behavior is perceived. I suppose I will need to handle the situation maturely and deal with it, as he could potentially be my perfect match."

@yogacat

It was after we first met in real life but before our first date.  And he was referring to sexting.  

Re what's bolded, no I did not think that at all.  I was actually shocked when I received it and rather put off.  And responded I was not comfortable with it. 

I did appreciate that he asked how I felt about it versus boldly sexting me, and I decided to take a "wait and see" approach.

Again, we talked about it last night, he explained why he did, it made sense to me (and trust me I am no dummy about such things) and I believe him.

To clarify I am not seeking my perfect match at the moment or even a serious relationship.

I mean if it happens great but my focus at the moment is healing from my marriage, the relationship I just ended, the death of my brother which I never fully dealt with and casually dating while I work through all my various emotions.

I agree with @Sindy_0311approach.  Texts of a sexual nature before we've met or before a certain trust has been established get deleted just like Tuesday night guy's text. 

 

 

[yogacat]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@yogacat

It was after we first met in real life but before our first date.  And he was referring to sexting.  

Re what's bolded, no I did not think that at all.  I was actually shocked when I received it and rather put off.  And responded I was not comfortable with it. 

I did appreciate that he asked how I felt about it versus boldly sexting me, and I decided to take a "wait and see" approach.

Again, we talked about it last night, he explained why he did, it made sense to me (and trust me I am no dummy about such things) and I believe him.

To clarify I am not seeking my perfect match at the moment or even a serious relationship.

I mean if it happens great but my focus at the moment is healing from my marriage, the relationship I just ended, the death of my brother which I never fully dealt with and casually dating while I work through all my various emotions.

I agree with @Sindy_0311approach.  Texts of a sexual nature before we've met or before a certain trust has been established get deleted just like Tuesday night guy's text. 

 

 

Okay.

Don't get me wrong, some couples that have been married long term have had sex on the first date and in that situation it can be shown that the couple's relationship transcended, and with that in mind you can say "I'll take one for the team" no problems, but in this case, it does not apply as indicated. With his pushing for sex early on, in my opinion, it shows he's not intimate/it’s about getting laid. 

I suppose you can realize right now there are better men out there to spend your time on and that from now on you're going to walk away early whenever something like this happens so that you can put your time and energy into men who are worth it.

I think if I was looking at this more casually I can totally understand saying "what the hell, I'll throw myself into the lion's den because my filtering on the type of man I want is not that strict with this particular guy, I like your company enough and we can see where it ends." That's obviously much more casual than what you're probably looking for, so it definitely depends on how fine your filter is, and ultimately what you want. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@catfeeder, not sure what you mean by the bolded, can you clarify? 

Sure. I was referring to the guy who sent the sext. Continuing to see him would make me feel rushed, as though the only reason he wants to spend time with me would be to pacify me so we can get to the sex.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

. no I did not think that at all. we talked about it last night, he explained why he did, it made sense to me  I am not seeking my perfect match at the moment or even a serious relationship.

If it weren't working, guys wouldn't do it, as welcome or repellent as it may be.  Enjoy casual dating, why not? Not everyone has puritanical views on things. Just be yourself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Okay.

Don't get me wrong, some couples that have been married long term have had sex on the first date and in that situation it can be shown that the couple's relationship transcended, and with that in mind you can say "I'll take one for the team" no problems, but in this case, it does not apply as indicated. With his pushing for sex early on, in my opinion, it shows he's not intimate/it’s about getting laid. 

I suppose you can realize right now there are better men out there to spend your time on and that from now on you're going to walk away early whenever something like this happens so that you can put your time and energy into men who are worth it.

I think if I was looking at this more casually I can totally understand saying "what the hell, I'll throw myself into the lion's den because my filtering on the type of man I want is not that strict with this particular guy, I like your company enough and we can see where it ends." That's obviously much more casual than what you're probably looking for, so it definitely depends on how fine your filter is, and ultimately what you want. 

I don't necessarily disagree with your post yoga (some parts I do), but if you would clarify what's bolded?  Which man are you referring to?

My date last night did not push for sex, he did not push for sexting.  He asked me if I was okay with it (sexting), I said no and he respected that.  He was also very polite on our date last night and respectful.

He explained last night why he asked, it made/makes sense. To me.  

It's all good.  😀

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If it weren't working, guys wouldn't do it, as welcome or repellent as it may be. 

^^You are once again spot on Wise, and something my date and I discussed last night.  

Thank you!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for your responses guys!  This thread can be closed now. 😀

 

[Capricorn3]

Thread closed as per OP's request.