Samantha Atkinson Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 It seems like everyone's got their own idea of what's normal now. Personally, I think it's all about what you're comfortable with. If sexting feels too fast or not your thing, that's totally okay. It's all about finding someone who respects your boundaries and is on the same page. Maybe just be upfront about how you feel about it when you start talking to someone new. That way, you can avoid any awkward situations down the line. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 9 hours ago, Coily said: As a man, I have experienced something very similar with the women I've been interested in. I have had about 50-60% of these women initiate sexting or try to steer things in a sexual direction. One woman started sending me nudes right after a coffee date. Another asked for pics of me after a second date. So it's not just you seeing the trend. I do have a working theory, and matches up with my experiences. Sexting has become more normal due to the pandemic. People had urges but since a lot of the gathering places were closed, sexting became more of an outlet for primal urges. After two years it became "normal" for some people as a way to vet a partner or fling. You have a really good theory there -what is also interesting is the age range as I would have thought this would apply more to younger people than you are contacting who were "raised" on texting, etc but if it's the pandemic then I suppose age is less relevant. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 1 hour ago, Samantha Atkinson said: It seems like everyone's got their own idea of what's normal now. Personally, I think it's all about what you're comfortable with. If sexting feels too fast or not your thing, that's totally okay. It's all about finding someone who respects your boundaries and is on the same page. Maybe just be upfront about how you feel about it when you start talking to someone new. That way, you can avoid any awkward situations down the line. By analogy when I dated I met a number of men who'd gotten used to women accepting last minute dates and or having casual sex -I didn't lecture or try to change them -I just declined and the men who wanted to see me stepped up and "changed"- I wasn't offended really by the last minute stuff -the casual sex assumptions -yes if it was presented in a disrespectful way. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Many years ago I was at a bar with two girlfriends. A man had a round of drinks sent to our table, then he came over and sat down with us (which was fine). After about 20 minutes he looked at us and said "so which one of you is coming home with me?" And we laughed and said "none!" And he angrily retorted "I bought you a drink! You owe me!" We told him no way. He angrily stormed off and a bit later we saw him at a different table with another group of ladies. This was probably 20 years ago. So I guess that might be the in-person equivalent of attempting to sext without dating first. It was definitely interesting! 1 Link to comment
Coily Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 19 minutes ago, boltnrun said: Many years ago I was at a bar with two girlfriends. A man had a round of drinks sent to our table, then he came over and sat down with us (which was fine). After about 20 minutes he looked at us and said "so which one of you is coming home with me?" And we laughed and said "none!" And he angrily retorted "I bought you a drink! You owe me!" We told him no way. He angrily stormed off and a bit later we saw him at a different table with another group of ladies. This was probably 20 years ago. So I guess that might be the in-person equivalent of attempting to sext without dating first. It was definitely interesting! This reminds me of a woman back in college, she bought me a drink, then started fondling me. Said something about "well you have to pay me back somehow." I just about jumped over the bar it was that uncomfortable. Link to comment
yogacat Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Unlike the guys many women encounter. On this forum alone - Kim, Sindy, Starlight, and myself for starters. And I think maybe yogacat. Apparently it has become somewhat of the norm so I will have to learn to deal with it and continue to maintain my boundaries. Nope, can't say it's been the norm for me... I do remember one other time when I exchanged info with a guy I met IRL, but his message was a little too forward and I just stopped talking to him after that. So I think I can count two separate times. But honestly, most of the men I've met have been pretty respectful and I haven't felt uncomfortable. I did online dating for a couple months, so my experience is limited. But in general, I've been on plenty of first dates with guys I met in person, and they've all been great. Maybe not that crazy magic spark, but that's just me. No one has been rude or creepy on a first date. Although, there were 1-2 a bit too forward or something they said just kind of raised an eyebrow for me and made me feel pretty awkward, but definitely not the norm. And it wasn't even in a sexual way, just a little too much enthusiasm perhaps. You're just dipping your toes back into online dating so you're finding out what works and what doesn't work for you. Sexting, I think it's totally okay once you're comfortable with someone in person. Otherwise, it's a little presumptuous. Is sexting the new normal? I've heard and read a lot about it, and it seems like it's become pretty common in the dating world. With all these dating apps and technology, it's easy to just dive into it without actually seeing the person. But I wouldn't view it as the 'new norm' necessarily. At least, I wouldn't want to include that as my new norm in the beginning stages of dating.... That to me would mean subscribing to something just to stay modern, and I'm more interested in what actually feels right for my current partner and me. When I'm in a relationship, I love flirting and being a little naughty with my partner, but if a guy asked me on a first date if it's cool to be sexual, that would definitely turn me off. Why? It just feels like a requirement and puts pressure on me to respond in a certain way. But once we've built that trust and understanding, then we can really have some fun. I'll do pretty much anything. Not that I would do ANYTHING, of course. Just saying. 1 1 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Sometimes she'd hear from then again (for more sex) and sometimes not. That's a bit sad. It seems she's confusing an interest in her with an interest in sex. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 Thanks everyone for your responses, it's been an interesting discussion! However it seems to have turned into a discussion about the pitfalls of online dating (more or less) and yes while I've had men get quite crude with me online, both now and way back when I was online dating years ago, my current situation mostly involves men I met in real life, not online. Which is new to me with men I've met IRL, hence why I created this thread. Tuesday night's guy I first met in real life and the date I have on Saturday I also met in real life. Another man I had been chatting online with whom I was planning to meet made a suggestive sexual comment and HIS message went to trash. Saturday night's guy (again I met him in real life) asked if he could start getting sexual with me on text, I responded I was not comfortable with that yet, and he has respected it. So the sexting issue is not just limited to online dating, just thought I'd clarify. @mylolita what am I'm looking for? I'm multi-dating until I find a man I click with and feel a connection with, and am using every source available - one dating app, events, meet-ups if one interests me and meeting men spontaneously. Tonight I am attending an event hosted by a court-reporting service our firm often uses which will be attended by members of the legal community that I'm looking forward to! Basically I'm just trying to have some fun while still healing from a few losses I've experienced recently and hopefully meet someone special. Thanks again! 💛 2 Link to comment
mylolita Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 1 hour ago, yogacat said: Nope, can't say it's been the norm for me... I do remember one other time when I exchanged info with a guy I met IRL, but his message was a little too forward and I just stopped talking to him after that. So I think I can count two separate times. But honestly, most of the men I've met have been pretty respectful and I haven't felt uncomfortable. I did online dating for a couple months, so my experience is limited. But in general, I've been on plenty of first dates with guys I met in person, and they've all been great. Maybe not that crazy magic spark, but that's just me. No one has been rude or creepy on a first date. Although, there were 1-2 a bit too forward or something they said just kind of raised an eyebrow for me and made me feel pretty awkward, but definitely not the norm. And it wasn't even in a sexual way, just a little too much enthusiasm perhaps. You're just dipping your toes back into online dating so you're finding out what works and what doesn't work for you. Sexting, I think it's totally okay once you're comfortable with someone in person. Otherwise, it's a little presumptuous. Is sexting the new normal? I've heard and read a lot about it, and it seems like it's become pretty common in the dating world. With all these dating apps and technology, it's easy to just dive into it without actually seeing the person. But I wouldn't view it as the 'new norm' necessarily. At least, I wouldn't want to include that as my new norm in the beginning stages of dating.... That to me would mean subscribing to something just to stay modern, and I'm more interested in what actually feels right for my current partner and me. When I'm in a relationship, I love flirting and being a little naughty with my partner, but if a guy asked me on a first date if it's cool to be sexual, that would definitely turn me off. Why? It just feels like a requirement and puts pressure on me to respond in a certain way. But once we've built that trust and understanding, then we can really have some fun. I'll do pretty much anything. Not that I would do ANYTHING, of course. Just saying. I am also feeling a little left out at no guys trying to sext me or jump me into bed or phone sex me! Should I be insulted here? 🤭🤣 Dating 2023! x 2 Link to comment
yogacat Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 17 minutes ago, mylolita said: I am also feeling a little left out at no guys trying to sext me or jump me into bed or phone sex me! Should I be insulted here? 🤭🤣 Dating 2023! x It's cute that you wrote Dating 2023, it's 2024. Time flies by so fast! Don't get me wrong, I've had men try to turn on the charm and with the two exceptions I mentioned, it hasn't been the norm. There are plenty of other ways to feel desired and wanted. One time, at band camp, no just kidding. But seriously, one time I met a guy at a coffee shop and we had such a great connection that he wrote me a romantic handwritten letter. That was just as, if not more, alluring and attractive to me than someone jumping straight to sexting. So there are still men out there who value the slow build and getting to know someone before jumping into anything. And it's not to bash men, not in the least, I think that in certain situations, sexting is quite readily available and some men want to skip the emotional connection in those instances or go so fast with being overly attached in just the cyber realm...but some women that return the sexting don't really respect these men and treat it as sport almost, and I'm fairly certain a lot of men might feel the same way about some women doing it too...it's definitely not a one-way street! 2 Link to comment
Coily Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 This post goes a long way to dispelling the persistent myth that online is more smutty than meeting in person. Despite some steering that way. In the last 2 years or so a lot of the women I have met in person, not bar fly situations, more mutual interest groups have initiated sexting. That's maybe 4 out of 5? One was extremely aggressive about it, and I was rather taken aback. In some ways I chalk it up to them just being horny and desperate for sexual validation (just like these men you're encountering). In others it was they thought that's what men wanted as part of the routine in communications. This is across a lot of age demographics too. Meanwhile I'm sometimes flattered, but often confused as I haven't invested enough time or energy into those fledgling relationships. 3 Link to comment
Coily Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 26 minutes ago, mylolita said: I am also feeling a little left out at no guys trying to sext me or jump me into bed or phone sex me! Should I be insulted here? 🤭🤣 Dating 2023! x Fine fine, you can't say it never happened now. 1 Link to comment
mylolita Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 1 hour ago, Coily said: Fine fine, you can't say it never happened now. Thank you Coily! LMAO. I was getting SO sick and tired of marriage proposals it grows tiresome 😂😂😂 x 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 3 hours ago, yogacat said: When I'm in a relationship, I love flirting and being a little naughty with my partner, but if a guy asked me on a first date if it's cool to be sexual, that would definitely turn me off. Why? It just feels like a requirement and puts pressure on me to respond in a certain way. But once we've built that trust and understanding, then we can really have some fun. I agree and operate the same way. If a guy tries to sext before a date, or before we even got intimate, I either next him or address it, it depends on how he presents in general. I also heard of many guys being cautious in the way they physically approach woman, some of them are afraid of rejection or of sexual harassment accusations. Maybe sexting is a way to approach them less directly, as you said to "test waters" to gauge a woman's interest... A lot of them are also afraid of being friendzoned in the beginning which can explain the early stage sexting. The guy I mentioned yesterday, who was trying to sext with me, I wasn't in the mood so I just ignored him for a little while. But today I was willing to do it and we had a few exchanges. He told me how he can't concentrate on anything else, and how he is looking forward to meet again etc... Somehow I think it can build attraction and connection when its done good and in a playful way. But not when you are dealing with a stranger you never met... makes no sense... 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I agree and operate the same way. If a guy tries to sext before a date, or before we even got intimate, I either next him or address it, it depends on how he presents in general. I'm the same as well. Like with the guy I was chatting online with who I have not met yet... 3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Another man I had been chatting online with whom I was planning to meet made a suggestive sexual comment and HIS message went to trash. With the man I have a first date with on Saturday, he asked, I expressed my discomfort and he has respected that. Tuesday night's guy, I haven't responded to his sexually explicit text yesterday and haven't heard from him again so that's probably a next. So it really depends on the circumstance.... but typically (with rare exceptions) I won't engage in it before we have become sexually intimate in real. But I am not one to wait too long to have sex, if there is a strong mutual attraction, I don't see the point in waiting - for ME. Hearing about @Sindy_0311 experiences, I think she and I are very similar in how we go about things. @Coilythank you for sharing your experiences! It's funny, another man I met a couple of years ago had told me the same thing, and I thought he was making it up, it just sounded so bizarre. Women literally throwing themselves at him sexually, at bars, on the street, but now hearing it from YOU, I believe him!! 1 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 I was in a relationship with this guy and my friend found him attractive. So she launched herself at him and hugged him and then grabbed his penis (through his pants, she didn't reach in). So yes, some women are very forward. 2 1 Link to comment
mylolita Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 3 hours ago, yogacat said: It's cute that you wrote Dating 2023, it's 2024. Time flies by so fast! Don't get me wrong, I've had men try to turn on the charm and with the two exceptions I mentioned, it hasn't been the norm. There are plenty of other ways to feel desired and wanted. One time, at band camp, no just kidding. But seriously, one time I met a guy at a coffee shop and we had such a great connection that he wrote me a romantic handwritten letter. That was just as, if not more, alluring and attractive to me than someone jumping straight to sexting. So there are still men out there who value the slow build and getting to know someone before jumping into anything. And it's not to bash men, not in the least, I think that in certain situations, sexting is quite readily available and some men want to skip the emotional connection in those instances or go so fast with being overly attached in just the cyber realm...but some women that return the sexting don't really respect these men and treat it as sport almost, and I'm fairly certain a lot of men might feel the same way about some women doing it too...it's definitely not a one-way street! LOL! Just realised this yoga! Ha!! My brain is obviously still in the 23’s 🫨🤣 I feel like from the few posts of yours I have read, men might take a similar approach to us? Or, we share similar views! It’s hard to say if these are things that have always been and now there is technology to facilitate all this stuff and create new ways of flirting and casual sex or whether culture and times have shifted? It’s hard to say. I must say that my general experience is, if a guy is very serious about you he doesn’t normally launch into overtly sexual flirting, sexual chat or casual sex or bedding you early. But maybe again; I am getting this wrong and too old fashioned! @rainbowsandroses the multi dating sounds very interesting and best of luck! I think you are never short of dates so why not? See who’s out there! Your professional meet up sounds good! x 2 1 Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 On 3/14/2024 at 4:54 AM, Samantha Atkinson said: Maybe just be upfront about how you feel about it when you start talking to someone new. That way, you can avoid any awkward situations down the line. I’m on the fence about this. It’s kind of like warning someone to conceal their agenda. I’d rather let someone show me who they really are—early. 3 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 15 Author Share Posted March 15 16 minutes ago, catfeeder said: I’m on the fence about this. It’s kind of like warning someone to conceal their agenda. I’d rather let someone show me who they really are—early. I agree! Not only because of what you posted cat, but also because it sounds presumptuous to assume he would! I'll wait for him to either mention it or actually sext me, and I'll deal with it then. He may not! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I agree! Not only because of what you posted cat, but also because it sounds presumptuous to assume he would! I'll wait for him to either mention it or actually sext me, and I'll deal with it then. He may not! Exactly. When the goal of meeting is to learn enough about a person to date him, and the goal of dating is to learn whether he'd make a good partner, then preemptively asking someone to alter their behavior in order to hide this information from you makes no sense. If someone were to present to me as attractive and aligned with my goals and we really hit it off--and then he asks me if I'd like to do a line of coke with him? Of course I'd be disappointed, but I'd be so glad to have dodged that bullet early! And, I wouldn't be concerned about whether doing drugs was 'normal' in his social circle, or mine. 1 1 Link to comment
waffle Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 I don't know if this trend towards sexting is normal, but it's certainly common. 😐 I remember talking to a guy several years ago (real life friend, sort of. We are no longer in contact) who was getting a divorce. One of the first things he did was take multiple pictures of his package because he'd need them for when he did online dating. He wanted to have them ready to send. He really thought this was part of his prep work, sort of like running copies of the agenda for a business meeting you're attending--it's just what you do. I said nothing. Let him find out on his own. (He did get remarried last I heard. So maybe said package was/is more impressive than I was imagining) 2 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 Another funny story. My bestie went on a couple dates with this guy. At the end of the second date when he was dropping her off at home he said he had something he wanted to show her. Then he whipped down his pants and showed her his, um, manhood. She told me she just sat there and then said "Um, nice?" Like, did he expect her to leap on it or something? She didn't go out with him again. No cell phones in those days. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 16 Author Share Posted March 16 Update: I never responded to Tuesday night's guy after his rather graphic text/sext message and he reached out this morning. >>Too much too soon? It's cool, I'll drop it and apologize if it offended. I've been under an immense amount of stress lately but would like to see you again if you're into it.<< ???? Link to comment
Popular Post Wiseman2 Posted March 16 Popular Post Share Posted March 16 21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: . I've been under an immense amount of stress lately but would like to see you again if you're into it.<< Sounds like BS. Not sure what his alleged "stress" has to do with try to push the envelope being a jerk. What do you plan to do? 4 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 16 Author Share Posted March 16 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sounds like BS. Not sure what his alleged "stress" has to do with try to push the envelope being a jerk. What do you plan to do? I have no idea! The way I view this is like the guys who try for sex on the first or second date, I tell them no it's too soon, they respect that and we continue dating. I have a date tonight with another guy who actually asked if he could be sexual with me on text (see my previous posts), I replied I wasn't comfortable with it yet (tonight is out first date!), and he has respected that. So I don't know! We did have a really good time on our date Tuesday night. So I'm thinking, okay he knows my boundaries and respects them so why not see him again, have another date? What do you and others think? I honestly don't know, this sexting thing before actually dating/being in a relationship is new to me! Even the guys I've had online "flings" with like the guy in my dream never pushed sexting with me. Link to comment
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