rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 Hey again guys, another dating dilemma, this one is a real ‘ugh’ and has to do with sexting. So I am actively dating again, meeting guys (both on line as I decided to go on a popular app I have used before) and in real life. Anyway, in the past I have jumped into another relationship pretty quickly after the last ended and never really multi-dated. I haven’t met anyone special yet that I would like to go “one at a time with” but it’s fun meeting men, exchanging phone numbers, chatting and then going on a date or a few dates. No sex. My typical style has been I meet a man, we chat for a bit, and if/when he asks me out, if I don’t feel an immediate spark/click, I either don't accept his date invite OR I go out with him once and if I am not "feeling it" on the date, I don’t go out with him again. But that hasn’t worked all that well for me so I am trying something new on and dating a few guys casually (again no sex) simultaneously. My question is with regards to sexting. Is this the norm now? This is a serious question as I am truly baffled. It seems virtually all the guys I have met are into sexting, treating it like it’s just normal conversation! That it doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s fun! So why not? @kim42 and @Sindy_0311 I would like to know your thoughts on this since you are both single and actively dating/multi-dating. @kim42, at the risk of getting too personal (and you don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable with the question), do you and the man you are interacting with and had one/two dates with sext? @Sindy_0311 do you sext with men you are casually dating but have not have sex with yet? I think I must be really out of the loop because again the guys seem to think sexting is perfectly normal and fun, that all the “girls” do it, that it doesn’t have to mean anything and doesn’t mean we have to have sex in real if I am not ready. These are attractive, successful men! What the heck? I really don’t get this. To those who are actively dating in our current dating environment, is this the norm now? I feel like a bit of a prude for not being into it tbh before a “relationship” is established. Thanks!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 I never cared about trends or what others were doing. Any references to sex before we met -outright dealbreaker, full stop. I did not meet those people in person and I stopped all contact. I knew there was no potential for anything serious let alone marriage. Back then it was common enough for sure -flirting that went "there" whether on the phone, at a bar, later on messaging, emails whatever. Online dating sites too. I stuck to my standards and my values not the "norm" or what was ok with my friends. I realize I haven't dated in many years. I know of many who are. In a huge range of ages particularly since my friends have daughters in their 20s. It's time to remind yourself -IMHO - that this is a person you potentially could be seriously involved with and first impressions especially how he chooses to interact with you count a lot. Some would feel quite differently -bored if there was no sexting or wondering if the guy was actually interested -you don't. You do you. 2 1 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: .My question is with regards to sexting. Is this the norm now? It seems virtually all the guys I have met are into sexting, treating it like it’s just normal conversation! That doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s fun! So why not?. Why not just keep it flirty? It depends what you mean by sexting. Obviously pics can go viral in a nanosecond, sold on pornhub etc. Maybe it's the "new normal", maybe it's creeps looking for spankbank material. Only do what works for you instead of trying to stay in step with the crowd (if that's actually the case). Keep in mind, some people only sext when in a relationship and apart from their partner. Not everyone sexts random strangers. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 17 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Any references to sex before we met -outright dealbreaker, full stop. I did not meet those people in person and I stopped all contact. Bat, I totally get this^ but these are men I have met for the first time in real life, not just on the app. And men I have gone on dates with. And it's several men, not just one or two. IDK, I am not into it because for me I have to actually "feel" something before I become sexual, whether it's sexting or actual sex. I have had some men outright ask me if they can start becoming sexual with me on text, and if I am not comfortable with it, they respect it. But they can never really let it go and will bring it up again. Last night for example, I had a date, we had a good time, lots of good chat and laughs and today he sent me a sexual message about his "male body part" imagining what it would be like to see me naked and **** me! I haven't responded and tbh don't really want to which is such a shame because I thought he was nice when we met and on our date. But again I feel like such a prude!!! Which I am NOT and wondering if I need to get with the program now? Asking again is this the norm in our current dating environment? Ugh! Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 Ugh, this "trend" is awful. No, I don't think this is ok, and no, I don't continue with anyone who wants to sext. One guy asked for pictures of my feet. Um, yeah no, buddy. I think it's gross, personally. More importantly, I would NEVER share anything sexual over text, lest it be held against me in future. Why put yourself at risk with electronic communication? 2 2 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 9 minutes ago, Starlight925 said: Ugh, this "trend" is awful. No, I don't think this is ok, and no, I don't continue with anyone who wants to sext. One guy asked for pictures of my feet. Um, yeah no, buddy. I think it's gross, personally. More importantly, I would NEVER share anything sexual over text, lest it be held against me in future. Why put yourself at risk with electronic communication? Thanks Starlight, yeah this is how I feel too. When I received his text/sext this morning I was so disheartened! I ran it by a casual friend IRL and she said that yeah she has experienced that too and depending on the guy, she will be either flattered or disgusted and if she likes the guy, she will go along with it! She said it's fun, doesn't have to mean anything other than a mutual attraction and that the guys have respected that she wasn't ready for real life sex. I have had other guys ask me if they can get sexual with me over sext, and my response was honest, that I wasn't sure I was comfortable with it. WTH. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: he sent me a sexual message about his "male body part" imagining what it would be like to see me naked and **** me! Hopefully you don't find this flattering? This seems like just another dicpic horndog. Why bother? 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Hopefully you don't find this flattering? This seems like just another dicpic horndog. Why bother? No, I don't. If I did, this thread wouldn't exist.😀 The issue is Wise, it's several guys, not just this one. And my friend said she finds it flattering depending on the guy and confirmed what some guys have said - that it doesn't have to mean anything, and that it's fun! Everyone seems to be doing it! Like it's a perfectly normal thing to do and a way to express mutual attraction before actual sex happens. In any event, I am not comfortable with it and if that means I am a prude, so be!! 1 1 Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 I must be really old school, but not only am I not flattered, I’m disgusted when it happens. For me, it’s an auto-block, but to each his own. Once, years ago, I didn’t have my picture on a site, and a guy asked me to describe myself. I said I’m 200 lbs overweight, with pitted acne and scraggly wiry hair. He then proceeded to send sexy messages! Which made me realize, all they are looking for is a recipient. Any recipient. 3 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I ran it by a casual friend IRL and she said that yeah she has experienced that too and depending on the guy, she will be either flattered or disgusted I think this is what so many men find frustrating. If a woman finds the man attractive then sexy texts are "flattering" but if she doesn't find him attractive they're "creepy". It's the exact same action! I have never dated so I won't try to comment on what the kids are doing these days. I just know I would never consider doing anything like that unless I was in a relationship with the man. I definitely wouldn't do it with multiple men! 2 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 8 minutes ago, Starlight925 said: Once, years ago, I didn’t have my picture on a site, and a guy asked me to describe myself. I said I’m 200 lbs overweight, with pitted acne and scraggly wiry hair. He then proceeded to send sexy messages! Which made me realize, all they are looking for is a recipient. Any recipient. LOL, well again these are guys I have met and gone out with in real life and actually had fun with! So they know what I look like. You know what's interesting? Instead of feeling flattered, I feel a bit insulted. There is a big part of me that feels it's disrespectful. Again, I think I must be out of the loop in today's dating culture and/or a total prude, but I can't force myself to be into something I am not into, and if the guys interpret that to mean I am not attracted to them, then again SO BE. It IS disheartening though. Especially him as I really did like him before this, we had a really good time. But now I don't think I want to go out with again. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 2 minutes ago, boltnrun said: I just know I would never consider doing anything like that unless I was in a relationship with the man. Yeah me too, it's just how I am wired. Thanks. Bolt. Link to comment
Popular Post bluecastle Posted March 13 Popular Post Share Posted March 13 Curious: Would an armchair sociologist put the guys you're describing into a single category, or are we talking about dudes from all walks of life? Like, if I saw them from across the bar and had to summarize them in a sentence, would the same sentence apply to most? I ask because my sense is that this sort of thing is pretty common...in certain corners of humanity. Gym-rat alpha dogs, say. Or rabid finance bros. Guys fond of hair gel and fast cars. And so on. Granted, I haven't been single in over 5 years, but I never thought of this as the "new norm" when I was swiping left and right. And among my single fiends, male and female, it's not something that comes up regularly. Sure, you'll occasionally hear of people getting sloppy with hot sauce—I recall some tawdry pics coming out of nowhere from my swiping days—but it seems more the exception than the norm. At least as far as I know. 5 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 8 minutes ago, bluecastle said: I ask because my sense is that this sort of thing is pretty common...in certain corners of humanity. Gym-rat alpha dogs, say. Or rabid finance bros. Guys fond of hair gel and fast cars. And so on. LOL, now I am convinced I am out of the loop, what are "finance bros"? I heard the term once but the guy said it was a nickname the woman he was dating gave him! Anyway, I do know the type you are referring to - "players" for lack of a better word - and tbh it's too soon to tell, I mean it's not the impression I had of them. None of them drive fast cars or wear hair gel or throw around a lot of cash, I don't find that style attractive at all. And other than the sexting thing, they were/are all very polite and respectful. That is what is so confusing! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 I had a guy I had chatted with for about five minutes in a chat room (remember those?) ask me to be his "online girlfriend". After five minutes. And there's the guys who expect you to be turned on when they send "d" pics and tell you you're "frigid" if you don't like it. And say "the other 'girls' I talk to like it when I send them pics of my 'manhood'!" Good for those 'girls', I guess. There's all kinds out there! 1 Link to comment
yogacat Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 I recall the closest I came was to someone that asked me to send him pictures, not explicit pictures, just more pictures of myself and I felt that the need to incessantly ask this, to me, felt it had the potential to go in an unsavory direction, so I declined. Especially considering there are recent photographs of me on my social media page not sure why more needed to be sent to him. And at the time, since I haven't really dated much, I started to doubt myself if this was the "norm." 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 What's even more interesting is that this man (the guy who sent an explicit sext this morning) never asked for a bunch of pics, naked or otherwise. Again before this happened, he was quite polite and respectful. I met him in real life, NOT the app. The two other guys I am talking to and had/have dates with (one this coming Saturday) have also not asked for pics but yet they both have asked if they can get sexual with me over text. Again, like it's a perfectly normal thing to do. My response is always the same "hmm, not sure I am comfortable with that yet." And they respected it, except for last night's date. I don't know anymore...... SMH Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 OMG, another one of my girlfriend's who I told this story to just texted me saying "if you're attracted to him, why don't you just sext back, have fun with it"! This woman is a lawyer! She doesn't have a boyfriend but she's on Match.com and meets a lot of men! 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 14 minutes ago, yogacat said: And at the time, since I haven't really dated much, I started to doubt myself if this was the "norm". Yeah it IS kinda causing me to doubt myself! Like I said, I never really "dated. " I met a guy, there was a mutual attraction and we began dating eventually leading to a relationship. None of my previous boyfriends ever asked me if they could get sexual with me over text, like it was normal everyday occurrence. Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 Ok, I didn’t read all the replies, so I might repeat what others said… but this is how I proceed: when I guy tries to sext before we even got intimate I tell him: “as long as I like texting ( or spending time) with you, I reserve this kind of communication for someone I’m being intimate with.” By replying this way, you make him understand that at this stage, you aren’t ok with this kind of exchanges, but neither are you completely prude and open to sexting once the relationship has evolved in something more meaningful. Look, I had sex for first time with a guy yesterday. It was our 3rd date. And tonight he began trying to sext me ( i can sense it even if it’s not that bold) I didn’t reply. I’m not interested in that, have other stuff going on. If it’s just about sex, they better wait or go their way. You don’t have to accept that. I never sext with guys when I’m not comfortable to do it. 1 1 Link to comment
yogacat Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Yeah it IS kinda causing me to doubt myself! Like I said, I never really "dated. " I met a guy, there was a mutual attraction and we began dating eventually leading to a relationship. None of my previous boyfriends ever asked me if they could get sexual with me over text, like it was normal everyday occurrence. I think maybe he is testing the waters, and, if you go along with it, will be more than happy to sext away. If you 'insist' it is a bit off-putting, they will probably back off, at least for a little while. I don't mean to imply that this man is a bona fide pork sword waver or anything like that. But. Sometimes... Sexting being ridiculous IMO is not going to make a difference one way or the other about his interest in pursuing you. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: Ok, I didn’t read all the replies, so I might repeat what others said… but this is how I proceed: when I guy tries to sext before we even got intimate I tell him: “as long as I like texting ( or spending time) with you, I reserve this kind of communication for someone I’m being intimate with.” That is a great response! I will use that! I think if I decide to go with last night's guy again, I might respond with just those words, it's perfect! Thank you! 5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: Look, I had sex for first time with a guy yesterday. It was our 3rd date. And tonight he began trying to sext me ( i can sense it even if it’s not that bold) I didn’t reply. I’m not interested in that, have other stuff going on. Just out of curiosity, are you planning on responding with your standard reply stated your first paragraph? Or if you don't want to go out with him again, will you just ghost? Or tell him he's not a good fit? How do you handle that sort of thing? Kind of awkward since you had sex, at least it would be for me. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 3 minutes ago, yogacat said: I don't mean to imply that this man is a bona fide pork sword waver or anything like that. But. Sometimes... LOL, I wasn't sure whether to give your post the "like" emoji or the "laughing" emoji, but decided on the like. But this^ was hilarious! Thank you for the chuckle I needed that!😆 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Just out of curiosity, are you planning on responding with your standard reply stated your first paragraph? Oh wait, you can't really respond with your standard since you HAVE been sexually intimate with him! Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Just out of curiosity, are you planning on responding with your standard reply stated your first paragraph? Or if you don't want to go out with him again, will you just ghost? Or tell him he's not a good fit? How do you handle that sort of thing? I never ghost, but I observe and then decide. Having sex with someone doesn’t imply this kind of sexting. I expect a bit more than the usual “been thinking of what you did to me last night, how and what if etc…” If the only thing that comes out after first sex is this kind of text, yes, I do get distant. without any regret. I think that what a guy says or how he acts after the first time reveals a lot about his intentions. I knew of some men trying to be more delicate after first sex because they didn’t want the women to think it was only about that. If a man is only sexting about first sex, you better assume he wasn’t pursuing you for your brain… 1 Link to comment
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