Spouse talks to much in social settings

[Viewcart]

Perhaps this is more of a social etiquette question…

 

I love my husband’s gift and ability to start and sustain a conversation with just about anyone. He will listen to others and doesn’t talk too much when he’s alone with me. BUT when he’s in social settings with random people or friends who talk A LOT, to the point where there’s not even a second of silence as everyone is jumping from one topic to another.  After more than 5 to 8 hours of being present at this kind of social function, I start to get very exhausted listening and eventually become annoyed. I can’t excuse myself because that’s just socially awkward since it’s an intimate setting. I can’t leave since my husband and I drive one car when we go out together. Eventually I nudge my husband telling him or using body language that we should leave. Unfortunately even though he knows I’m getting tired, he still continues the conversation for hour(s) more. When I confront this issue with him afterwards at home, he says I’m being selfish, socially awkward, and that I’m rude for saying we need to go in front of friends. He says he will decide when we leave and I need to deal with it and be sweet in front of others. 
 

What could I do in this situation in the future? 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Viewcart said:

Unfortunately even though he knows I’m getting tired, he still continues the conversation for hour(s) more. When I confront this issue with him afterwards at home, he says I’m being selfish, socially awkward, and that I’m rude for saying we need to go in front of friends. 

It seems like he's extroverted and your introverted, meaning he is energized by this type of social interaction and you're drained by it.

You don't have to be seen and not heard like a child.  In the future avoid these situations altogether or go in separate cars. There's no need to put on a show that your marriage is great .

There's nothing impolite about excusing yourself earlier and stating you have to get up early or whatever. Being a blathering bore who doesn't know when to leave is not "a gift". Does he drink too much when you're out and get into pontificating drunk mode? 

[Kwothe28]

I actually have a friend that has that kind of a relationship. His girlfriend is really ankward. For example we were at his brother wedding and she didnt want to even take a picture. Mind you, here brother/sister of a groom is also an important figure during weddings and has their own obligations as far as local customs go. So she seem really rude by not even wanting to have a picture with anybody. They date for years and live together for 3 years now. So she is also part of the family and is accepted by his parents as such.

They solve that by just not attending together when she doesnt want to. Which is most of the times for her. She enjoys smaller gatherings and when she is at her home. While he goes socilizing with his friends. When they are at home they get along between themselves. I would suggest to you too. You are not obligated to go with him. You can stay home or organize something on your own if you are annoyed by his company. Telling him to leave is "nagging wife" routine that you should avoid. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I actually have a friend that has that kind of a relationship. His girlfriend is really ankward. For example we were at his brother wedding and she didnt want to even take a picture. Mind you, here brother/sister of a groom is also an important figure during weddings and has their own obligations as far as local customs go. So she seem really rude by not even wanting to have a picture with anybody. They date for years and live together for 3 years now. So she is also part of the family and is accepted by his parents as such.

They solve that by just not attending together when she doesnt want to. Which is most of the times for her. She enjoys smaller gatherings and when she is at her home. While he goes socilizing with his friends. When they are at home they get along between themselves. I would suggest to you too. You are not obligated to go with him. You can stay home or organize something on your own if you are annoyed by his company. Telling him to leave is "nagging wife" routine that you should avoid. 

Totally agree with this. I've been in the situation with the awkward girlfriend or boyfriend.  Thing is I'm particularly good at bringing those out of their shell but sometimes I give up -it's not worth it.  And yes I wish that person would have just stayed home or left. OP when I became a mom at 42 all of a sudden I went from extrovert loving socializing and  I became more introverted in the sense that social situations now drained me much faster - we rarely hired sitters by choice -and no family -so maybe that was part of it but even without my son there since my job as his mom was constant interaction -I was drained (loved the interaction but just used up all my social energy).  I think it's fine to tag team -you don't have to go!

 

[LootieTootie]

Hope you both have 2 cars. Because if my husband did that, I would not stick around for hours! 

[Andrina]

Why are you regularly attending functions that last 5 to 8 hours? Unless you have a huge pool of friends with many recently getting married or having elaborate birthday parties, the length of these gatherings seems over-the-top. Maybe better advice can be given if we know what types of gatherings these are and how often during the year you attend.

[Coily]

3 hours ago, Viewcart said:

When I confront this issue with him afterwards at home, he says I’m being selfish, socially awkward, and that I’m rude for saying we need to go in front of friends. He says he will decide when we leave and I need to deal with it and be sweet in front of others.

This confrontational side is part of why he reacts with you need to deal with it. There is a power imbalance, and you being confrontational afterwards puts him on the defensive. Most people will be contrarian and defensive after a night out riding the high of extroversion.

Now, I do not think you need to stay and be sweet, but you need to find a way to thread the needle of you wanting to get the heck out of there and him wanting to schmooze. This has to be done before you go to the social engagement. It could be a "hey I know how much you can chat it up, and I admire that, mind if I slip out and take a walk?" Butter him up and have a plan for some down time while he fixes the world's problems.

[Lambert]

lots of good advice here. I agree...

5-8 hours! drive separately. come after him if you can and leave when you want.  

You are a couple and do things together but you're also your own people. 

You are an introvert that married an extrovert. Did something change? 

I wouldn't fight on this. I would own my experiences and actions.  And then be OK with him doing what he wants.  

Do you still have quality time together? 

[reinventmyself]

I can somewhat relate.  My bf is an extrovert.  He loves to be the center of attention and can be charming and funny.  He never knows when it's time to dial it back and often times does not pick up on social queues when it's time to go.

He's very much loved by his friends and for the most part this doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. I am an introvert and don't like to be the center of attention and have a limit to small talk.

I often let all of this under my skin, even though I recognize that for the most it's my problem.  His style makes me uncomfortable only because it's opposite of mine.

I've had just enough life experience to know I can't expect him to be someone different than who he is.  It's what I signed up for 7 yr ago.  It would be no different than him expecting me to be the life of the party.  

Having said there are times I need to reign him in.  Over the holidays a friends dinner party, everyone has left and it was glaringly clear the hosts were done and my bf is missing that particular screaming clue.   I text him from across the room that it was time to go.  He's open to things such as this if he's missing it, but I don't try to change him.  He's been this way his entire life. And I am careful my nudges do not come across as critical.  

 

[smackie9]

I totally can relate. I find it exhausting too listening to my husband draw out his conversations....I'm saying in my head "get to the damn point already" I usually don't go with him if I know it's going to be hours. It's not unusual for us to go solo to events. I'm good for a couple of hours then I'm done. Sometimes I leave on my own, or I go sit somewhere like outside to just breath. But ya there's nothing wrong with grabbing an Uber and going home alone early.

What I have started to do is tell him the time I expect us to leave, that I'm not staying late a head of time. So he knows when I say it's time to leave, it's time to leave.

[Cherylyn]

I'll chime in with others.  Drive to your social destination separately and after you've had enough party time,  make your gracious exit and go home. 

People won't change their personalities so you'll have to learn to adapt.  Perhaps try conversing about mutually interesting topics when you're alone with him,  do things together that you both enjoy,  discuss,  maybe have hobbies,  sports or intellectual pursuits.  Anything worthy of discussion.  Also,  have separate interests and socializing so both of you can chat about that as well otherwise you'll grow bored with each other due to the monotony.  Change it up.  😉

[catfeeder]

On 1/20/2024 at 5:39 AM, Viewcart said:

...I can’t excuse myself because that’s just socially awkward since it’s an intimate setting.

Certainly, you can. I know lots of people who disappear from social groups regularly, whether just for walks or rests to refresh themselves, or for the remaining duration to go to sleep, go watch a movie, or go home. It's not rude. It speaks of self-respect, and others will have no problem following your lead on that.

You can confide in your host aside from the group when it's your time to exit, or you can announce to the group that they are lovely and it's your time to check out. But you don't need to wing this. Negotiate up front with your husband and your host, and treat it as a natural thing. Because it is.

Quote

I can’t leave since my husband and I drive one car when we go out together.

Plenty of options. Negotiate whether you will take two cars, or which one of you will use an Uber or Lyft or other service to travel home, OR, whether husband will pre-arrange for his own ride or sleepover with one of his friends after the event, OR, you can store a pillow and blanket in the car, where you will sleep until husband enters, at which point you will drive both of you home. OR, consult with the host in advance whether you can arrange for sleeping quarters until husband is ready to leave or even for a full night for both of you. Then you can retire to that space as early as you please.

Quote

... When I confront this issue with him afterwards at home, he says...

This needn't be a power struggle; you can both get your own needs met. Negotiate with husband as a team (rather than confront, which is a strong and adversarial word that implies that one of you is right while the other is wrong...).

If husband won't negotiate, I'd refuse all invitations until he's willing to come to the table.

However, if you are afraid of your husband, all of the above goes out the window. Contact a prevention agency called Domesticviolence.org for a referral to help that is local to you.

[lostandhurt]

Take separate vehicles.  Then you can stay or leave whenever you want to and not cut his time with friends short.  There is no need to turn this into some battle royal, just try the simplest approach and see how it works. 

 Lost

[ShySoul]

Short term solution is, as everyone has said, take two cars. If you feel tired and want to go, excuse youself and go home. You shouldn't feel forced into a situation you are not comfortable or happy to be in. No one should be judging you for not wanting to socialize all day long and into the wee hours of the morning. And if these people are that extroverted, they can carry on just fine without you.

Larger issue hear is his lack of understanding and sympathy about your needs. Is he aware of the differences between introverts and extroverts? Are you? Up to 50% of people are actually introverts, so it's not uncommon and it most certainly isn't being rude, selfish or socially akward. It's simply a part of your naturally personality, how you process the world and get energy. It's as valid a part of you as his need to be social and talkative with friends is for him. The fact that he isn't willing to talk about this and is demanding his way is an issue that needs to be addressed. Someone who loves and cares for you should be more understanding and willing to work through the issue, especially if this is making you as miserable as it sound like.

Falling on the extreme introvert side, I've also found myself in social situations that have left me drained. I've also dealt with people who didn't understand introversion as much of the world is geared towards extroverts. May I recommend the site Introvertdear.com? It's a site designed for introverts and has been a great help in helping me feel not so alone in my ways and preferences. There are articles with great tips are how to to naviagate everything from relationships to jobs, from friendships to raising a child, all while straying true to your introverted self. And there are several articles on dealing with introvert/extrovert relationships. I just did a quick search and found one that may help, though I'm sure there are others. Among other things it advises to create boundaries around your needs and communicate them clearly, as well as separating what functions you need to attend versus which ones you could skip.

https://introvertdear.com/news/make-introvert-extrovert-relationship-work-tips/

[lostandhurt]

Wait, is this the long distance ex from 2019?  Or is this a new guy you met and married?

 

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

I am married to a yapper too.  Just tell him directly, you need to go, even in front of friends.  If they are your real friends, they won't blink an eye at it.  If they are his friends, next time say, "hey, I only want to stay till this time."  And if he blows you off, don't go to the next event.  If he says that you have to be there, tell him, since your comfort is not one of his top priorities, neither is going to the (insert event) for you.

My husband will yap for a few more minutes, but I am not shy to tell him we have to beat it, because when he needs to leave someplace, we go.

[tattoobunnie]

I also want to add, next time, take the keys, and tell him to find a ride home.

[Viewcart]

On 1/20/2024 at 4:01 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he's extroverted and your introverted, meaning he is energized by this type of social interaction and you're drained by it.

You don't have to be seen and not heard like a child.  In the future avoid these situations altogether or go in separate cars. There's no need to put on a show that your marriage is great .

There's nothing impolite about excusing yourself earlier and stating you have to get up early or whatever. Being a blathering bore who doesn't know when to leave is not "a gift". Does he drink too much when you're out and get into pontificating drunk mode? 

No, he doesn't drink. Yes I didn't think I was being impolite because I told him once but he kept talking to his friends for another 15-30 minutes so I got more impatient and told him we need to go another time. He said that his friend was making funny faces at me or something so he got upset with me for being disrespectful. I will definitely take your advice from now on, I don't want to argue and he still brings it up about how upset it made him every now and then. 

[Viewcart]

On 1/20/2024 at 4:50 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I actually have a friend that has that kind of a relationship. His girlfriend is really ankward. For example we were at his brother wedding and she didnt want to even take a picture. Mind you, here brother/sister of a groom is also an important figure during weddings and has their own obligations as far as local customs go. So she seem really rude by not even wanting to have a picture with anybody. They date for years and live together for 3 years now. So she is also part of the family and is accepted by his parents as such.

They solve that by just not attending together when she doesnt want to. Which is most of the times for her. She enjoys smaller gatherings and when she is at her home. While he goes socilizing with his friends. When they are at home they get along between themselves. I would suggest to you too. You are not obligated to go with him. You can stay home or organize something on your own if you are annoyed by his company. Telling him to leave is "nagging wife" routine that you should avoid. 

I will stay home next time thanks

On 1/20/2024 at 5:45 AM, Andrina said:

Why are you regularly attending functions that last 5 to 8 hours? Unless you have a huge pool of friends with many recently getting married or having elaborate birthday parties, the length of these gatherings seems over-the-top. Maybe better advice can be given if we know what types of gatherings these are and how often during the year you attend.

That's literally how long his chatty friends can talk for, I'm not kidding. It's not even a special event. Some people just love to talk! I mean I can talk to my friends for hours too, but when I've had enough, we end the conversation and catch up later, not dragging things on. But when I'm around his friends I have little to no control of how long he wants to stay chatting it up. 

[Viewcart]

On 1/21/2024 at 9:56 PM, ShySoul said:

Short term solution is, as everyone has said, take two cars. If you feel tired and want to go, excuse youself and go home. You shouldn't feel forced into a situation you are not comfortable or happy to be in. No one should be judging you for not wanting to socialize all day long and into the wee hours of the morning. And if these people are that extroverted, they can carry on just fine without you.

Larger issue hear is his lack of understanding and sympathy about your needs. Is he aware of the differences between introverts and extroverts? Are you? Up to 50% of people are actually introverts, so it's not uncommon and it most certainly isn't being rude, selfish or socially akward. It's simply a part of your naturally personality, how you process the world and get energy. It's as valid a part of you as his need to be social and talkative with friends is for him. The fact that he isn't willing to talk about this and is demanding his way is an issue that needs to be addressed. Someone who loves and cares for you should be more understanding and willing to work through the issue, especially if this is making you as miserable as it sound like.

Falling on the extreme introvert side, I've also found myself in social situations that have left me drained. I've also dealt with people who didn't understand introversion as much of the world is geared towards extroverts. May I recommend the site Introvertdear.com? It's a site designed for introverts and has been a great help in helping me feel not so alone in my ways and preferences. There are articles with great tips are how to to naviagate everything from relationships to jobs, from friendships to raising a child, all while straying true to your introverted self. And there are several articles on dealing with introvert/extrovert relationships. I just did a quick search and found one that may help, though I'm sure there are others. Among other things it advises to create boundaries around your needs and communicate them clearly, as well as separating what functions you need to attend versus which ones you could skip.

https://introvertdear.com/news/make-introvert-extrovert-relationship-work-tips/

Awesome site, thanks!

On 1/22/2024 at 9:48 AM, lostandhurt said:

Wait, is this the long distance ex from 2019?  Or is this a new guy you met and married?

 

Lost

new guy

Long distance ex reached out to me a few times, asked a couple times since if i'd like to meet again. But by then I moved on and didn't even bother to respond to him and blocked him. I was young and heart broken when I posted on this forum, hindsight 20/20 he wasn't the one. 

 

[Starlight925]

Some people don't understand true conversation.  They talk "at" you, rather than "with" you.

This isn't about being an introvert vs. extrovert.  It's about the art of carrying on conversation, which I'm finding is so difficult these days.

Good conversation is about being interested, not trying to be interesting.

I got a text last night at 9:30 pm from a friend that I really enjoy, as we have great back & forth conversations.  She was just finishing dinner with another friend of ours who talks incessantly, all about herself, ad nauseam.  My friend texted during the dinner as a "help me" text, as she was so exhausted just listening to this other friend.

People like this usually find others with whom to talk incessantly, because people like you (and me) gravitate away from them.

I recently made a new friend (yay!  surprisingly so difficult these days!).  We met at a friend's football gathering.  She's cool, has one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard of, so I began by asking her questions about her job, but she ended up asking me lots of questions, about my job, my life, etc.  It was such a nice back & forth, that we've now done a few things together, and she's taken an interest in taking me to something that she has access to privately, that is an interest of mine, just so she can share it with me.  That's how you have true conversation.

As for your husband, I'm not sure what the answer is, as talkers talk.  Leaving a party without him is a sad option, but it may be your only one.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

recently made a new friend (yay!  surprisingly so difficult these days!).  We met at a friend's football gathering.  She's cool, has one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard of, so I began by asking her questions about her job, but she ended up asking me lots of questions, about my job, my life, etc.  It was such a nice back & forth, that we've now done a few things together, and she's taken an interest in taking me to something that she has access to privately, that is an interest of mine, just so she can share it with me.  That's how you have true conversation.

I started a new job 7 years ago.  I went to a training event and met someone in a different department who was also new -same age-ish as me and ironically same first career.  We started going to lunch every 1-2 months.  She was on the quiet side, I am more extroverted.  A few years into our fun lunch routine she said "I really like how you ask such good follow up questions"  So yes to your point -being interested -especially with someone who tends to be more introverted and might need a bit more drawing out -and without being prying or intrusive.  Not always easy but if you're "interested" you're motivated to do so (including not rehearsing in your head what you're going to say next but actually listening).  

It is hard to make new friends!!

Also OP - do you try to stay involved in the conversation -do they try to involve you? 

[Starlight925]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 "I really like how you ask such good follow up questions" 

This is such an important part of conversation.

Not just asking a question, but the follow-up questions, which shows one has listened, in the first place.

Too many people ask a question just so they can answer that question:  They'll ask how your vacation was, and as soon as you start to respond, they jump in with all of their vacation anecdotes.  How was your surgery?  Mine was blahblahblahblahblah.

I'm backing away from a friendship  right now due to this.  When she calls me, it's 55 straight minutes of her-her-her, and when she finally asks how I am, she suddenly has to go.  Or if we are in person, she stares at her phone as soon as I start talking, only waiting for her chance to talk again.

Back to the OP, have you ever had a heartfelt conversation with your husband about this?

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

have you ever had a heartfelt conversation with your husband about this?

Sorry but I had this image of her trying to do that and then dinner burning in the oven because of his conversational style........ 😉

OP -do you engage well with his friends -including the follow up questions etc ?  How about when he is with your friends?

[Viewcart]

10 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Some people don't understand true conversation.  They talk "at" you, rather than "with" you.

This isn't about being an introvert vs. extrovert.  It's about the art of carrying on conversation, which I'm finding is so difficult these days.

Good conversation is about being interested, not trying to be interesting.

I got a text last night at 9:30 pm from a friend that I really enjoy, as we have great back & forth conversations.  She was just finishing dinner with another friend of ours who talks incessantly, all about herself, ad nauseam.  My friend texted during the dinner as a "help me" text, as she was so exhausted just listening to this other friend.

People like this usually find others with whom to talk incessantly, because people like you (and me) gravitate away from them.

I recently made a new friend (yay!  surprisingly so difficult these days!).  We met at a friend's football gathering.  She's cool, has one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard of, so I began by asking her questions about her job, but she ended up asking me lots of questions, about my job, my life, etc.  It was such a nice back & forth, that we've now done a few things together, and she's taken an interest in taking me to something that she has access to privately, that is an interest of mine, just so she can share it with me.  That's how you have true conversation.

As for your husband, I'm not sure what the answer is, as talkers talk.  Leaving a party without him is a sad option, but it may be your only one.

I'm happy to hear that you made a new friend! 

I can make friends fairly easily, although I find it takes more effort from both parties to maintain a friendship. Like you, I enjoy meaningful conversations where people listen and reciprocate.  Unfortunately, most of his friends are those that you mentioned who talk incessantly, interrupt each other, and then when others are talking, they look at their phones or change the topic immediately. I will sit patiently and listen to this for a maximum of a couple of hours. My husband does that too, he's eloquent and interesting, but he isn't always the best listener so I guess he tolerates people like this better than I can.  

 

People who talk over others are probably just seeking attention. I do my best to love them but I also think it's healthy to build some boundaries by telling them that it's time to stop to leave when the conversation gets nowhere. Unfortunately, my husband enables his yappy friends.