Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Shycarrot]

¨I really appreciate your help, thank you so much ❤️

Since I got such diverse and sometimes opposites replies, I feel like I can not honor everyone's advice and I am sorry. But know that I read every single one reply with all my attention 🙂 

On 12/27/2023 at 2:01 PM, Batya33 said:

I would not go if it's only for 10 minutes -he has to schedule a time for you, get ready and travel there.  If you think you could have a pleasant conversation for 45 minutes to an hour -fine. 

We are going to grab a coffee at a mall tomorrow. I figured I could do some shopping afterwards, so that if the date does not go well, I won't waste my afternoon since I needed new clothes anyway 🙂 

You're right, maybe 10 min is too short. I'll see how it goes tomorrow ! 

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That someone else could be "way worse"?

No, of course not 😭 But I don't know, maybe the date will exceeds my expectations ? 

 

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you meet and it's not a match it's simple to be polite, wrap it up, thank them for their time and move on.

Yes, thank you 🙂 

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You would actually be "wasting" less time that way than dragging out questionnaire-like chitchat 

I don't know, I can see your point but sometimes you can learn so much in a text conversation. And I personally like to screen people that way, so that I don't end up meeting someone with opposites values ^^' But that's just me 

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

While screening is important that in-person effort is a step you need to take once preliminary screening is done to decide what's a "waste of time".  

Yes, I agree !! I am not sure about the quality of my preliminary screening this time, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow 

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I'm sticking to my guns here...what he said in that conversation is worrisome. It's different if he was to say he's into country music and you into rock or other little incompatibilities. That's not a big deal, but when a guy boasts about being a nice guy etc. That's a real bad sign. That's not being picky, that's protecting yourself from a jacka$$. 

I understand perfectly 😞 To be honest I am still reluctant but I guess that I can learn something and gain experience anyway 😅 Thank you for your opinion though and I will post an update on this thread ! 

22 hours ago, Jaunty said:

But I don't relate to your complete disconnection with your instincts / first impressions.  

Right 😕 That must seem strange from an external point of view, but I don't always trust my instincts. I thought my ex was "nice" when I started dating him and he turned out to be abusive. 

And like someone said in here, I am indecisive. That's one of my major flaw and it's especially apparent in the dating scene. My parents have a horrible marriage and I was left  a bit traumatized as a kid, as I witnessed multiples fights/assaults. 

That's why I am so and maybe overly picky 😅

Plus, I think it would be rude to cancel the date the day before 😅 That's another thing I struggle with : I feel guilty when I have to let down a guy 

22 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I did online date and it was important to me to NOT meet people who obviously exhibited features I know I don't like

That makes sense 😅 I need to do that more 

21 hours ago, Lambert said:

I caution you.  be careful dating when you are so indecisive. Not being able to decide or not knowing for sure what works for you, will leave you with your wheels spinning in the mud.

Knowing what works for you and what makes you happy in a relationship are the guide posts you should be looking for.  They are the things that say, yes, keep going! or nope, it stops here.

But how do I know that ? How do I make sure I know what makes me happy in a relationship ? And sorry, English is not my first language, but what do you mean when you say I should be looking for "guide posts" ? 

I don't really know someone close who is in a happy relationship (but at the same time, I guess happy people just don't brag about it) so I don't know what are some realistic expectations. But therapy can help me with that 

Thank you ! 

21 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Let us know how it goes, fingers crossed that you get pleasantly surprised.

Lost

Thank you 🙂  I will 

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The goal is to stumble across true simpatico. It's rare, just as striking good friends among acquaintances is rare.

I could not agree more 

 

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

But if love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

 

You're right 🙂 

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Your goal is not to please many men, so allow most to pass early. It takes only ONE good match to view you through the right lens and appreciate you for exactly who you are.

That makes me second guess myself, I am going to think about it today, and see if I cancel the date or not 😅

Were you sure when you started dating your long-term partner ? Did you like them before going on a date ? 

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I also wanted the opportunity to try and have a child naturally so I didn't have the luxury of passivity.  If I hadn't done what I did I wouldn't be a married mom now.  

[Shycarrot]

Your point is valid, but I am not sure I want kids. It's one of those things I am on the fence about 

I am freezing my eggs in a few months and I guess I am in the mindset that "if it happens, if happens, but if not, I will be happy anyway" 

[Batya33]

It's good you don't have to worry about the biological clock -egg freezing was not a viable option when I wanted to.

My spouse is not a them and I totally appreciate the sensitivity LOL.  Our story is unusual in that I met him originally at work in the 1990s we dated seriously and got engaged and broke up and got back together almost 8 years later. When we reconnected for a catch up dinner having seen each other only one time the past 7 plus years I knew for sure beforehand it would be only platonic. I had zero interest in getting back together.  He had only asked to meet to catch up -totally and utterly platonic/two acquaintances catching up briefly while he was in town for part of that summer.  If he'd asked me for a date I'm fairly certain I would never ever have gone.

Sparks flew.  I was sure I felt sparks and I was sure I wanted to be with him a month later when he asked me to get back together to see if we should this time marry and also try for a family. Did I have jitters at times? Oh yes.  Did I have doubts at times -oh yes.  But resolvable doubts.  Not core shaking doubts.  Fleeting/passing - and the main overall feeling was one of love and the main overall thoughts were of commitment and belief in marriage and belief in reviving the spark when needed.  He's my husband not just a long term partner.  I respect those who choose not to marry!  I would not be with him without marriage.  Same for him.

I met many first meets -over 100 - and dated more than 100 men.  It ranged from interested to lukewarm to repulsed at times.  I met men who really didn't want to meet me as it turned out, I met men who were far more into me than I into them.  The whole range. Had I not wanted a husband and chance for a family it would not have been worth it.  Because I did it was totally worth it.

Good luck on your meet!

[Lambert]

29 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

But how do I know that ? How do I make sure I know what makes me happy in a relationship ? And sorry, English is not my first language, but what do you mean when you say I should be looking for "guide posts" ? 

I don't really know someone close who is in a happy relationship (but at the same time, I guess happy people just don't brag about it) so I don't know what are some realistic expectations. But therapy can help me with that 

Thank you ! 

Have you ever thought about what you might want?

Guide posts are the posts that hold up a fence. they are put up first and show where the fence is and where the slats (the cross bars on the fence) go. Google it if that doesn't make sense. 😀 

They are symbolic in the way I mean it here. Your guide posts are the things that show you are on the right path. If things are good you're in the right path. if you feel bad, you are not.

So in this case, all this information about the guy is making you confused which is bad.

If you smell the milk and it smells spoiled, you don’t have to taste it.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Right 😕 That must seem strange from an external point of view, but I don't always trust my instincts. I thought my ex was "nice" when I started dating him and he turned out to be abusive

I am not suggesting that anyone make a decision about embarking on a relationship based on instincts / intuition / 1st impression. 

Just to have a general sense of YES or NO about meeting with someone.

If everything they said about themselves rubbed you the wrong way, it would not be unusual to take that as a NO.  Conversely, if they charmed you and you were intrigued, probably YES to meeting them.

Learning the facts and whether you would be compatible once you've met and you both want to see each other more  is a whole different thing.   Charming guy might be a manipulator, sort of boring guy might be a gem, etc.  That is more about being realistic, having critical thinking in play even when dealing with romance, and being true to yourself.

[lostandhurt]

I think we have a record for the most multi quotes in one post.  14 multi quotes, well done Carrot!

 

 Don't over think it too much.

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

You will never be happy with this dude; he sounds so boring.  You are not being picky.  You know what you want, and there are plenty of dudes, like my hubs that match your morals, beliefs and interests.

[Shycarrot]

Hi 🙂 I just wanted to let you know I had to postpone the date on friday because I caught a laryngitis which left me voiceless 😅

So the date is due to tomorrow 

 

On 12/29/2023 at 6:33 PM, tattoobunnie said:

You will never be happy with this dude; he sounds so boring.  You are not being picky.  You know what you want, and there are plenty of dudes, like my hubs that match your morals, beliefs and interests.

Thank you so much 🙂 Even if I end up rejecting him, I will make an effort to keep this in mind 

On 12/28/2023 at 5:26 PM, lostandhurt said:

think we have a record for the most multi quotes in one post.  14 multi quotes, well done Carrot!

😂

 

On 12/28/2023 at 3:48 PM, Lambert said:

Have you ever thought about what you might want?

Yes, it's what I wrote on my initial post ! 

Ideally, I would like to be with someone that I admire, someone that I find inspiring. I am really attracted to 

kindness and empathy, those are the top qualities I am looking for. 

I am looking to build a long-lasting relationship based on trust, understanding and mutual respect. I feel like if I find a special human to spend time with, it will only add to my life 🙂 

But at the same time, I find there's nothing wrong with being single and I would NOT want to settle for the sake of being in a relationship.

It's in that sense that I am picky, I think. I want someone compatible, not just anyone 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

 I had to postpone the date on friday because I caught a laryngitis which left me voiceless 😅So the date is due to tomorrow 

Have fun on the date. Try to relax and just think of it like going to the store for a while to take a look, instead of any pressure about finding the one. 

[Wonderstruck]

On 12/27/2023 at 10:53 AM, smackie9 said:

When a guy boasts about being a nice guy etc. That's a real bad sign. That's not being picky, that's protecting yourself from a jacka$$. 

Agreed, I NEVER trust a guy who feels the need to announce that they're a "good guy", or that they're "kind, humble, and empathetic".

If they were actually ANY of those things, they would SHOW it through their ACTIONS.

And they would also have the self-awareness to realize that BRAGGING about being "good" or "kind" is the exact opposite of ACTUALLY being "good" or "kind".

@Shycarrot, I would be very careful if I were you. ❤️

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Ideally, I would like to be with someone that I admire, someone that I find inspiring. I am really attracted to 

kindness and empathy, those are the top qualities I am looking for. 

I am looking to build a long-lasting relationship based on trust, understanding and mutual respect. I feel like if I find a special human to spend time with, it will only add to my life 🙂 

does this guy fit the bill? 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/26/2023 at 9:29 AM, Shycarrot said:

.When I described the personality traits I looked for in a partner, he immediately told me "well, I am all of those things !" and started to emphasizes how kind, empathetic and humble he was. 

Please discontinue describing the kind of personality you want especially ubiquitous vague qualities like "nice, kind", etc. it's basically meaningless. 

 You sort of put him on the spot. What was he supposed to say? "I'm none of those things, I'm mean and arrogant"? 

[lostandhurt]

Fingers crossed, hope it goes wonderfully.

 

Lost

[ShySoul]

On 12/28/2023 at 6:12 AM, Shycarrot said:

That must seem strange from an external point of view, but I don't always trust my instincts. I thought my ex was "nice" when I started dating him and he turned out to be abusive. 

And like someone said in here, I am indecisive. That's one of my major flaw and it's especially apparent in the dating scene. My parents have a horrible marriage and I was left  a bit traumatized as a kid, as I witnessed multiples fights/assaults. 

That's why I am so and maybe overly picky 

Hi Shycarrot. I hope things go well for you and you find someone great, be it this guy or someone else.

Given what you've seen and experienced, it's probably best you are a little indecisive and picky. Better to think it over and take your time to make sure it's the right person then to end up back in a bad situation. My parents didn't have the best of marriages either, though it was more emotionally damaging then physical. So I took the mistakes I saw from them and have tried to use that as my own guidepost. I saw the signs of what they did that went wrong and decided I was going to do and be the opposite. I think you have a good grasp on things in general. So take what time you need to be comfortable and trust that if you think something is wrong, it probably is. And if the guy is good, he'll be willing to wait a little longer and prove himself until all your fears are gone.

[MrMan1983]

I tend to just swipe next if there's many red flags before meeting, I had someone I was chatting to describe one of my favourite hobbies as an 'ick' the other day, she was immediately ruled out 😂 Maybe I'm not tolerant enough though.

[Batya33]

20 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

I tend to just swipe next if there's many red flags before meeting, I had someone I was chatting to describe one of my favourite hobbies as an 'ick' the other day, she was immediately ruled out 😂 Maybe I'm not tolerant enough though.

I would have done the same.  I declined to meet someone who kept interrupting me on the phone to converse with his caged rodent type pets -assuming they were caged.  A year later someone I know met him and they got married.  To each her own.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/4/2024 at 1:39 PM, Shycarrot said:

It's in that sense that I am picky, I think. I want someone compatible, not just anyone 

That's true, who doesn't? However please reflect if you are avoiding dating because no one fits just right and your finding ways to rule out just about everyone even before meeting.

Being selective makes sense but if everyone is just isn't even worth meeting, reconsider if you are ready to date.

Especially if you expect them to fulfill so many areas of your life from political views to everything else. Please reflect that no one on earth is custom made for you and you may have to like and respect them being themselves and a nice complement to your life, but not a clone of you. 

[Kwothe28]

But how did the date gone by?

[Shycarrot]

Hi there 🙂 

On 1/6/2024 at 3:50 PM, Kwothe28 said:

But how did the date gone by?

I think it went well, thanks for asking 🙂 He said he had a good time and that he would like to meet again. 

He was calm, shy, polite and even cuter in real life than in pictures. 

But I am not like head over heels for him. I suppose I am open to seeing him again but I am not sure we're compatible in the long run or for anything romantic ? But, again, I don't know how I am supposed to feel ! 

To be honest, I am not sure we have the same interests in life and the conversation was quite shallow.  But maybe it takes time to get to know someone, right ? Maybe he was just shy 🤷‍♀️

I know it's not fair, but I can't stop comparing him to the guy I met on okcupid 2 years ago, who's become a great friend and who I still see to this day. The conversation with the former guy was more stimulating and due to the vetting system, we knew we had the same political beliefs and general set of values. 

He lives more than 500 km away and I am not sure I am physically attracted to him. It's awful because I really like him but I don't really like the way he smells, and he sometimes has a bad breath (I feel awful for writing this) 😞 

 

On 1/6/2024 at 2:52 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Especially if you expect them to fulfill so many areas of your life from political views to everything else. Please reflect that no one on earth is custom made for you and you may have to like and respect them being themselves and a nice complement to your life, but not a clone of you

Yeah, I know thank you 

I am not looking for a clone. It's just that I share this deep core values with my closest friend and with this friend, so I know it's possible. It does not mean we agree on everything, of course and sometimes our disagreements can be really enriching. But it's really important to me to share this with my partner 😅

My ex was abusive for all sorts of reasons, but we also shared similar values (the lesson here is that someone that fits the bill here, won't necessarily be a great partner nor person) 

@Wonderstruck I completely agree with everything you wrote ... 

There's something I can not pinpoint about this guy, but it's as if he lacked self awareness ? And he seemed kind of naive about everything.

He described how unfair him and his colleagues were treated in the work place and how his work had lost any sense of meaning because they were treated as mere objects meanwhile, their superior and the CEO drastically increased their benefits. Apparently, him and his colleagues only received a small bonus that didn't do them justice. So there has been a lot of complaints, they are overworked and understaffed so he mentioned almost everyone was almost burned out.

And he added "I am sure those people (the ones he was complaining about) are very kind people, I don't know why they are behaving like this". 

And I am really sorry, but that struck me as very naive 😅 Plus there's a word for the system he just described and that should explains why they behave like this. 

I don't know, maybe I am nitpicking 😕 

@ShySoul Thank you very much, I hope so and I hope you also had the opportunity to find a good partner 🙂 

On 1/5/2024 at 12:11 AM, Lambert said:

does this guy fit the bill? 

I am not sure. 

He does not seem malicious nor mean, just a bit naive and out of touch. 

 

Thanks to all of you for your help !! 🙂 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

He does not seem malicious nor mean, just a bit naive and out of touch. 

if I gathered this about him, I wouldn't meet him. 

It's only worse in person. lol

[Jaunty]

You seem pretty invested in equivocating about the guy.   From what you've posted, you're not "feeling" him on any level, at any way at all.   

I'm glad he's not malicious.  Does that mean you should try really hard to twist yourself around so you can see him as a romantic prospect?   I don't think so.  Go ahead and do it if you feel like it's worth your while.  But think about this:

How would you like it if you were on the receiving end of this situation, where someone was definitely not feeling anything like attraction, chemistry, a "pull," thought you were naive and lacked self awareness, but you're not malicious anyway so he'll keep seeing you?  

[boltnrun]

You aren't required to continue dating him just because he wants to go out on another date with you.

Are you usually passive in your relationships?

[catfeeder]

My biggest requirement for seeing someone again is that I need to feel enthusiastic about doing so. If that’s not there, then I’m not there. I respond to his invitation, “I enjoyed our conversation, I just don’t think romance is in the cards for us. Thank you for meeting me.”

Done, onto the next. If you keep meeting people you may learn how to become more decisive. Trust your gut. You don’t need to expect love at first sight, but if the idea of spending a full date with someone doesn’t make you feel happy, then the only deliberation you might need is to check in with yourself again when you’re in a good mood. If you’re still less than inspired, don’t waste your time—and his.

Head high, this gets easier with practice and a ditch of the microscope.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

He lives more than 500 km away and I am not sure I am physically attracted to him. It's awful because I really like him but I don't really like the way he smells, and he sometimes has a bad breath (I feel awful for writing this) 😞 

 

That is OK. People dont like other people from multitude of reasons. If you dont want to see him again its OK, especially since you are so far away so seeing him more would be an issue by itself.

But in a future you should maybe refrain from "picking somebody apart". Perhaps why people think you are "too picky". I had a dates with a lot of ladies. And while some worked and some not, I never was keen on "picking them apart". Some of them were nice, some of them were not and that is it. While you have a whole list for this guy. How he is "being exploited by capitalist system and he doesnt want to admit", how he smells bad etc. Its fine that you dont like somebody. But seeking flaws is pretty easy and if you want to find them, you will. It wont do you any good in the long track.

Its enough that you dont like hm and dont want to continue. No need for further development. Also its interesting that you mentioned the friend couple of times. That and comparing somebody(especially somebody who friendzoned you or you them) to your dates wont also do you any good. 

[Batya33]

My standard was after a first meet I had to have had a good time and at least potential for a spark.  You don't sound like you find him intelligent or savvy/worldly enough and he lives very far so I'd pass on this one if I were you.