Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Shycarrot]

Hello 🙂 

 

I am 29 years old and I have been dating on and off for about 2 years. I have only met 6 to 7 guys because I moved a lot because of my job. Through the apps (okcupid and bumble), I have met a great guy who's become my friend and who I still see to this day. Apart from that, the dates were pretty dull and I always declined a second date politely.

Now that I am stable, I would like to start dating more.

I am currently talking to a guy my age who generally seems like a polite, friendly and financially stable guy. But these are the things that make me question if I should go to the date on Friday : 

• His last-long term (who lasted 2 years in total) relationship ended in august, they lived together for a year before that. I think it's still relatively early to date tbh 😅 
• He described his ex as "annoying because she was too uptight" 😅. I asked what he meant by that and he said he was kind of rough/rude sometimes. That scares me a bit because firstly that's not a nice way to speak of his ex, and secondly I am worried how rude he can be 
• He said he didn't want to be glued with this girlfriend from the beginning, and that he needed to spend a lot of times with his friends and he would need someone who would understand that.He added that he would prefer if the relationships progressed slowly. I asked how slow and he replied "there's no timeline. We could see each other more and more often and end up living together eventually".     Hence, I am worried he's the kind of guy who will always prioritize his males friend over the relationships. To be honest, I wonder if he really wants a girlfriend ? I feel like he just wants someone to fit the role of a girlfriend and to flaunt her in front of his guys friends (but maybe I am overthinking lol) 
• When I described the personality traits I looked for in a partner, he immediately told me "well, I am all of those things !" and started to emphasizes how kind, empathetic and humble he was.  I mean, that's totally counter-productive. The kindest persons I know do not brag about how kind they are 😅 Let alone, how humble 😂 That negates the whole thing.  Which raises the question : should I not talk about those things and just let myself discover if the guy possesses those traits or not ? So that he can not fake those qualities ?
•  He seems kind of shallow and I am not sure we have aligned values :

I am really into social sciences and I have always had a strong sense of justice. As a result, I am always educating myself on racism, sexism, ableism, lgbt rights, colonialism ...

I would like for my partner to be interested in those causes, or at the very least, to not be completely dismissive of them. I am far from perfect, I still have work to do in order to deconstruct myself, so I don't expect anyone to be 100% educated on those things (that's not even possible). 

But like I said, I would like my partner to be willing to learn and to share my sense of justice. 

Anyway, I quickly mentioned a famous actor that has been recently accused of sexual harassment and rape in my country. I was pointing out how protective the government was to famous men and how slow, things were changing in that regard. I told him that was really frustrating. 

He just replied with "I understand you're frustrated" and then quickly changed the subject 🙄

Anyway, I am supposed to see the guy on Friday but I feel like it's a waste of time. My sister is telling me I am too picky though ... 

Here are the thing I am looking for in a partner : genuine kindness, this is the thing I value the most and I feel like it's the hardest thing to find. 

I am also looking for someone who's very empathetic, considerate, honest, humble and has a strong sense of justice. I also appreciate a good sense of humor 🙂 

I would like him to be financially stable and somewhat physically active, and to have a left-wing political view. 

Of course, I would like to be physically attracted to him but I don't think I have a specific type 🤔 It's true that I am attracted to tall guys but I can overlook this if the guy is a great person 

 

Now, I suppose you want me to talk about myself ? 

I am doctor, I have many hobbies (painting, cooking, yoga, running, reading, listening to podcast) and I cat that I adore. I exercice regularly, don't smoke nor drink 

Honestly, I don't have a great self esteem because of my upbringing and I suffer from body dysmorphia, but I have always been told that I was conventionally attractive, even if I have never believed it. 

I am on a healing journey and I am starting to love myself more ^^ I am thin, average height with brown hair and eyes. 

My friends and close family describe me as shy, calm, kind, selfless.

I don't know if I really possess those two last traits but I try my best to cultivate them because being gentle and considerate with others are such a good traits, I think. 

 

So, what do you think ? Should I go to the date ?

Am I being overthinking this ? Am I too picky ? 

 

Thank you so much ❤️

I am so sorry for the wall of text !!!!! 

[Wiseman2]

Why not? It's just a date. Please try to meet sooner rather than later. This man seems to share TMI. However until you meet in person to assess chemistry and multiple other intangible qualities, it's just speculation. It's good you know what you want and are screening well. Have confidence and faith in yourself.

[smackie9]

As I read through the first bit there...too many red flags. What stool out to me the most is that he speaks ill of his ex. It usually turns out to be them that was rude and the problem in the relationship. Me being a woman, IMO you are not being too picky, you are being cautious. I totally get it, like a lot of women, we want/NEED someone that is emotionally intellectual. You are way to cultured, and intelligent to be dating a guy like this one. Throwing caution into the wind and just going out with them anyways even tho your gut tells you no! will only lead to disappointment, and lower your self confidence even more. That's why the dating apps are so difficult. There is very little out there that truly is healthy to date. If you stay vigilant, you will find that someone and not waste your precious time on garbage dates.

[Jaunty]

Why would you want to go on the date?   I generally share the opinion of "why not, it's just a date," but you outlined in very specific detail a lot of things you do not like about him and there was not a mention of anything you DO like.  I mean,  he "generally seems" to be polite, friendly, financially stable, but those are not things that make one person feel anything like interest, chemistry, attraction, admiration, etc.  I mean plenty of complete jerks (or worse) are capable of acting polite and stable and earn a living. 

[boltnrun]

I tried to like a man I dated for nearly a year. He was movie star handsome, owned his own multi-million dollar company and always paid for everything. And he made all the effort to see me. But I just didn't like him. He was sexist and spoke disrespectfully about women (calling them "girls" and making comments about their breasts in my presence and talking about his previous sexual experiences in an objectifying manner) and had racist views. I couldn't just overlook all of that. My friends thought I was crazy when I chose to stop seeing him but his good looks and money didn't make up for how unappealing I found him. 

You don't seem to like him much. So why waste your time and his? Those things you don't care for about him won't magically go away. 

[Batya33]

He gave you very valuable information right up front about who he is - he is rough and rude and unapologetically so and if you don't like it you're "uptight".  Ick.  Who wants to give that as a first impression unless it's who he is and he wants to make sure you're up for it -including like if you meet for coffee and saying please and thank you to the barrista is too 'formal".  etc.  

Also what is your purpose in dating? 

And no I don't think ending a relationship in August makes it too soon by default.  Unless he was married and hasn't been divorced for a year.

[catfeeder]

Going on a full date with an online stranger is a tall order, and I don't know of any singles who still do that these days. They use dating apps to screen people to set up for a quick coffee meet to check one another out on their way home from work, 15 to 30 minutes, tops. 

You can agree that while meeting neither will ask for a real date on the spot, but either can message to invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the invitee responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejections off the table and allows for better screening before committing your valuable time for a full evening or afternoon.

Many people schedule 2 or 3 quick meets each week to screen for real dates. It's clearer than messaging, and it can spare you the misery of hours in the company of someone you'd rather ditch after 5 minutes.

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

So, what do you think ? Should I go to the date ?

 

I think it depends. Most of those stuff you described, especially someones belief system, you cant know without extensive talking or seeing his actions. For example on a date you can see how he treats you, people around himself, does he tips to waiters etc. And I think even if it turns out to be a dud, you can at least "practice" in noticing stuff like that since you havent been dating much. 

Also, I think "pickiness" depends a lot on what you can offer, or at least it should be like that. Dont think you are shooting that much above your weight or at all, though some stuff like "Social justice warrior" do cut off your dating pool by a lot. 

[lostandhurt]

Dating is not only a pursuit but a learning endeavor.  You are learning about yourself as well as any man you meet so going on this date will not only show you if your perceived notion of him is correct but it will also expose you to a more real life interaction.  Online dating is far from exact as people can say anything they want and be who they want but in real life all that fades away to what you see right in front of you.  The trick is to be able to see through it and view the real person.  He may be trying to impress you since you are so accomplished and feels insecure compared to you or he may have read some stupid dating tips and is following them.  In the end you do not know anything about this guy.  If you are somewhat interested and attracted to him then meet for a quick coffee and see for yourself.

 Dating gets easier the more you do it as you learn and grow and most of all realize what is really important in the person you are searching for.

  Lost

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

• He described his ex as "annoying because she was too uptight" 😅. I asked what he meant by that and he said he was kind of rough/rude sometimes. That scares me a bit because firstly that's not a nice way to speak of his ex, and secondly I am worried how rude he can be 
• When I described the personality traits I looked for in a partner, he immediately told me "well, I am all of those things !" and started to emphasizes how kind, empathetic and humble he was. 

He admits to being rude while at the same time bragging about being kind and empathetic? I'm having a hard time reconciling this.

I'm a believer that when it's right, you know. If you are having all these doubts, then it's probably not right. Given your list of doubts, I'm seeing reasonable concerns that you would have. You sound like a caring, intelligent person. I think you would have good instincts on knowing what you want. So trust them.

Personally, I would say just continue on your own personal healing journey and skip the apps. If you feel that passionately about social justice (and good for you on that), find a cause to work on. You might meet someone and you will know all about their values and character beause you have observed it first hand, not being told about it through a random profile. And if you don't meet anyone, you probably won't care as much because you'll be getting the satisfaction of knowing you've made a difference for something you believe in. Love finds us when the time is right, so the important thing is to be happy with ourselves in the meantime and do what we love.

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for all of your replies !! 

Just to give you an update, I am not completely sold on the guy but I am still planning to see him for a quick coffee. I will explain my reasons below 

 

20 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Throwing caution into the wind and just going out with them anyways even tho your gut tells you no! will only lead to disappointment, and lower your self confidence even more.

You're right 😕 But at the same time, I spoke to a good guy friend of mine earlier, he read the messages and told me that our convo didn't strike him as worrisome, and that I would know more if I met him, even for 10 min 

19 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Why would you want to go on the date? 

I wanted to know if I was overreacting or blowing things out of proportions 😅 I have a tendency to nitpick in the dating world in order to protect myself, that's why I asked 🙂 

 

[Shycarrot]

18 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I couldn't just overlook all of that. My friends thought I was crazy when I chose to stop seeing him but his good looks and money didn't make up for how unappealing I found him. 

You don't seem to like him much. So why waste your time and his? Those things you don't care for about him won't magically go away. 

Wow, I am sorry for you but it seems like you dodged a bullet 😅

No I don't like him much for now ^^

I thought to myself "I wish we could do a FaceTime, that way, I won't waste my time going on the date and I could still learn things about him". But I think it would seem strange to ask 

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And no I don't think ending a relationship in August makes it too soon by default.  Unless he was married and hasn't been divorced for a year.

Oh okay, thanks for your input 

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also what is your purpose in dating? 

I am looking for a serious relationship, someone whom I can trust and who will enrich my life. 

I have been single for almost 6 years, and I don't have a great dating experience. I only had one boyfriend for 5 months and he was abusive (no, I am not throwing that word he really was). 

So I am not relying on someone else to bring me happiness, but I guess it could be nice to have someone. 

That, and the fact that all of my friends got in a relationship those last few months, so I feel like I am not a priority to anyone 😔

 

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He gave you very valuable information right up front about who he is - he is rough and rude and unapologetically so and if you don't like it you're "uptight".  Ick.  Who wants to give that as a first impression unless it's who he is and he wants to make sure you're up for

I agree that was a weird thing to say 😅 And at the same time, he insists on how his friends describe him as "sensitive" and "empathetic" 🤔

 

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Going on a full date with an online stranger is a tall order, and I don't know of any singles who still do that these days

Yes, I did that once and it was awful lol. I spend 5 hours with a guy I had no intention to pursue just out of courtesy. I am not doing that again 

 

18 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Many people schedule 2 or 3 quick meets each week to screen for real dates.

Yeah, you're totally right 🙂 I am going to see if he's up for a coffee 

[Shycarrot]

17 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Dating is not only a pursuit but a learning endeavor.  You are learning about yourself as well as any man you meet so going on this date will not only show you if your perceived notion of him is correct but it will also expose you to a more real life interaction

Thank you so much, that's really insightful and I didn't see it that way. I could definitely learn something from this date, even if it just reinforces me to trust my intuitions 

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He admits to being rude while at the same time bragging about being kind and empathetic? I'm having a hard time reconciling this.

Me too 😕 

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'm a believer that when it's right, you know. If you are having all these doubts, then it's probably not right. Given your list of doubts, I'm seeing reasonable concerns that you would have. You sound like a caring, intelligent person. I think you would have good instincts on knowing what you want. So trust them.

Thank you so much  ❤️

My therapist told me that I tended to nitpick in order to avoid taking the plunge, and that's also true . So I don't really know If I can trust my instincts that well 🤔 

Like I said earlier, a male friend read our conversation with this guy and assured me that he had seen "way worse". So even though I am still on the fence, I am going to meet this guy for a quick coffee 😅

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

the important thing is to be happy with ourselves in the meantime and do what we love.

 

Yes I completely agree !! 

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Love finds us when the time is right

I am not sure about that though 😕 I don't think anyone is owed a relationship nor love, and for now, I have been really unlucky in that department lol 

So I want to try dating apps. 

Yes, meeting someone organically is way better, but that hasn't happened in 6 years, why would that change ?

I don't need a relationship to be happy and I am complete on my own, but all my friends are getting in relationships and as a result, I become less and less of a priority to them. 

So, I had to make efforts to expand my social circle and to make new (single) friends and that worked 🙂   And now I would like to make the same effort in regard to relationships

[Batya33]

I would not go if it's only for 10 minutes -he has to schedule a time for you, get ready and travel there.  If you think you could have a pleasant conversation for 45 minutes to an hour -fine.  He has told you who he is -his values, character etc.  Be forewarned. Facetime won't tell you how he treats you and others in public.

Settling for scraps is not the answer to a dry spell.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

a male friend read our conversation with this guy and assured me that he had seen "way worse".

Is that your standard for finding a love relationship? That someone else could be "way worse"?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

 thought to myself "I wish we could do a FaceTime, that way, I won't waste my time going on the date and I could still learn things about him". 

It's good you decided to meet in person for a quick coffee. There is really no shortcut or substitute for meeting in person.

If you meet and it's not a match it's simple to be polite, wrap it up, thank them for their time and move on. You would actually be "wasting" less time that way than dragging out questionnaire-like chitchat 

Hiding behind dating apps, social media, messaging, video chat, multiple lateral moves,etc isn't dating.

While screening is important that in-person effort is a step you need to take once preliminary screening is done to decide what's a "waste of time".  

[smackie9]

I'm sticking to my guns here...what he said in that conversation is worrisome. It's different if he was to say he's into country music and you into rock or other little incompatibilities. That's not a big deal, but when a guy boasts about being a nice guy etc. That's a real bad sign. That's not being picky, that's protecting yourself from a jacka$$. 

[Jaunty]

Okay, I agree that "no harm done" in going for a coffee, I guess. A practice run etc.. But I don't relate to your complete disconnection with your instincts / first impressions.  

I did online date and it was important to me to NOT meet people who obviously exhibited features I know I don't like.

When I first tried OLD I was more inclined to "give them a chance" but it turned out to be very disingenuous of me.   I knew I would not like them so why waste their time and my own. 

My general advice to you, aside from your decision about meeting this man, is to figure out how to NOT "nitpick" and just be able to discern the difference between YES and NO within your own mind / perception.

You don't need a catalog of "good" and "bad" traits to balance.   You just need to have a baseline feeling that guides you in one direction or another, when it comes to deciding whether you'd be interested in meeting a person.

Anyway good luck with this one.

 

[boltnrun]

Just because your guy friend thinks this guy "could be worse" doesn't mean you're required to date him. Choosing who to date shouldn't be done by committee. It's a very personal decision. 

[Batya33]

I had a guy friend who told me to give a guy another chance because he was wealthy. I didn’t as I had a major issue with how he chose to make his money (very high level in a well known MLM). I also was told to give a very socially awkward and clingy guy another chance - couldn’t wait to get away from him - and two men who lied about their ages. (Dealbreaker for me). A friend married one of those two men and another dated the other for 8 years but he lied about several other things so it ended finally. To each her own. 

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

My therapist told me that I tended to nitpick in order to avoid taking the plunge, and that's also true . So I don't really know If I can trust my instincts that well 🤔 

While I think the therapist makes a good point, if YOU think YOU are avoiding or discounting viable candidates for dating.  

However, dating people your gut tells you, you don't really like is not being picky 

I have definitely gone on meet and greet dates that I wasn't sure of and all that proved to me was, "yep. I knew it"

I caution you.  be careful dating when you are so indecisive. Not being able to decide or not knowing for sure what works for you, will leave you with your wheels spinning in the mud.

Knowing what works for you and what makes you happy in a relationship are the guide posts you should be looking for.  They are the things that say, yes, keep going! or nope, it stops here.

On line dating is a big pool. It's like meeting people at the dept of motor vehicles.... very low bar. So it's on you to make good decisions.

 

[lostandhurt]

Let us know how it goes, fingers crossed that you get pleasantly surprised.

Lost

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I thought to myself "I wish we could do a FaceTime, that way, I won't waste my time going on the date and I could still learn things about him". But I think it would seem strange to ask 

Phone calls, FaceTime, Zoom, etc. are all perfectly valid and typical screening devices. This allows you to keep 'nexting' your way past bad matches as efficiently as possible, as those will be most people. That's not cynical, it's natural odds. 

The goal is to stumble across true simpatico. It's rare, just as striking good friends among acquaintances is rare. But if love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

Don't apologize for screening carefully. You have every right to do all you can to lower the risks of dating, and anyone who wouldn't understand that isn't a good match. Your goal is not to please many men, so allow most to pass early. It takes only ONE good match to view you through the right lens and appreciate you for exactly who you are.

Head high, take rests when you need them, and enjoy!

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I am not sure about that though 😕 I don't think anyone is owed a relationship nor love, and for now, I have been really unlucky in that department lol 

So I want to try dating apps. 

Yes, meeting someone organically is way better, but that hasn't happened in 6 years, why would that change ?

I don't need a relationship to be happy and I am complete on my own, but all my friends are getting in relationships and as a result, I become less and less of a priority to them. 

Only six years? That's nothing. 😉 i don't think people are owed a relationship, just that they often come when least suspected. I found that the more I thought about relationships and more I tried to meet people, the more frustrated I got when nothing happened. Yet, when I just stopped caring is when I actually had the most success.  So I tell people to just be happy with themselves and do what they want. If part of that is dating apps or searching for relationships, have fun with it. Just keep a clear mind and realize that anything is possible.  

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Only six years? That's nothing. 😉 i don't think people are owed a relationship, just that they often come when least suspected. I found that the more I thought about relationships and more I tried to meet people, the more frustrated I got when nothing happened. Yet, when I just stopped caring is when I actually had the most success.  So I tell people to just be happy with themselves and do what they want. If part of that is dating apps or searching for relationships, have fun with it. Just keep a clear mind and realize that anything is possible.  

I don't agree if the goal is marriage/long term and the person is late 20s and beyond.  I do think trying too hard/being desperate is absolutely sabotaging.  My story sounds like a least expect it and it's a really romantic spin on it.  The truth is all the proactive work and effort I put into finding a husband for the most part helped me become the right person to find the right person. And I also got in my own way and at times I was desperate. Thank goodness I didn't go with a passive "oh it will happen when I least expect it -anything is possible."  I also wanted the opportunity to try and have a child naturally so I didn't have the luxury of passivity.  If I hadn't done what I did I wouldn't be a married mom now.