Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

 I can't stop comparing him to the guy I met on okcupid 2 years ago, who's become a great friend and who I still see to this day.  we knew we had the same political beliefs and general set of values. He lives more than 500 km away and I am not sure I am physically attracted to him

It seems like this man became a sort of benchmark for what you're looking for. But it didn't work out because of distance and lack of physical attraction. 

You're still talking to him and seeing him and as long as everyone else is compared to this, it's doubtful you'll accept men for who they are. 

[lostandhurt]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

it's doubtful you'll accept men for who they are.

Agreed. 

I have been guilty of the same thing and really needed to let that go.  Now I try my hardest not to compare women to anyone I have dated in my past, even the ones that seemed perfect that got away.  It simply isn't fair to them or me. 

 If you are not excited about the possibility of seeing him again and are just going through the motions then please don't.  Text him that it was nice meeting him but you aren't feeling the sparks you were hoping for or something along those lines.

 No need to get his hopes up.

  So as far as all those doubts you had upfront about meeting him.  How many assumptions came true?

Lost

[Shycarrot]

@Jaunty I can see what you are saying. 

It's just that I am not sure if an instant spark/connection and physical attraction are something I should strive for ? Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation, I don't know ? 

I have this idea of how I would like to feel, but since I don't have much experience, I don't really know if it's realistic. 

With my ex, it's true that we clicked pretty quickly but I don't know how common that is ?

We met organically at a party and I remember telling my best friend that he had a beautiful smile and that I looked further to seing him again. 

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

How would you like it if you were on the receiving end of this situation, where someone was definitely not feeling anything like attraction, chemistry, a "pull," thought you were naive and lacked self awareness, but you're not malicious anyway so he'll keep seeing you?  

Well, I am not sure. I suppose I'd think people do change their minds and that their first impression are not always reliable ? And if they end up liking me, I am not sure I care about their first impression ? 

 

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Are you usually passive in your relationships?

Yes, I definitely am :/ 

I struggle to know what I want and wether my criteria are obtainable/realistic. I also don't really know if I "deserve" or if I am good enough for the guys I am trying to attract. As a result, it's usually men who pursue me. I rarely if ever, engage in something.  I just don't have the guts 

@catfeeder Thank you so much ! 

You're right, I am not particularly excited to see him. 

Dating is so hard lol. I wonder how many men I'll have to meet for a relationship to flourish.

 

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

He lives more than 500 km away and I am not sure I am physically attracted to him. It's awful because I really like him but I don't really like the way he smells, and he sometimes has a bad breath (I feel awful for writing this) 😞 

 

Oh i am sorry, i think there has been a misunderstanding. Here I was talking about the guy I met on Okcupid 2 years ago, the one that became a good friend 🙂 I am planning to visit him in his city this month by the way. 

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

How he is "being exploited by capitalist system and he doesnt want to admit"

To be more precise, I empathize with him in that regard. It's just that I was surprised he could not see the bigger picture. I am also not saying I am omnipotent, or always right, but I was just surprised. That does not mean he is a bad person. 

On the contrary, I do think he seemed pretty nice. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You don't sound like you find him intelligent or savvy/worldly enough and he lives very far so I'd pass on this one if I were you.

Thank you 🙂 Like I said, this one lives in my city. It's my guy friends that lives 500 km away. 

@Wiseman2

But the thing is, I am kind of glad I met someone like him because it means that those people, the one I could be compatible with exist. He really is a great person ! 

However, I will try to follow your advice and stop comparing the men I am dating to him. You're right, that's not fair. 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

@lostandhurt

 

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

If you are not excited about the possibility of seeing him again and are just going through the motions then please don't.  Text him that it was nice meeting him but you aren't feeling the sparks you were hoping for or something along those lines.

You make a valid point. The only thing that is holding me back is that I am wondering : what if I was letting someone gon someone for whom I could develop feelings for, if I gave it time ? Maybe it's normal to not feel "head over heels" from the start. I am not repulsed after all ? 

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

So as far as all those doubts you had upfront about meeting him.  How many assumptions came true?

Your question is really interesting. 

I think many assumptions were true actually. The text conversation we had was good at predicting that we would have different interests/values. 

He also texted me something along the lines of "I am happy and proud to be an honest and trustworthy person" and I found this sentence lacked some nuance. Indeed, he lacked nuance when describing himself and other people in real life. 

 

 

My god, I feel like I am being smug/too judgy ??? 😳

This poor guy had done nothing wrong, it's just that I tend to overthink things and I find it really stimulating I am around people who do this too.

 But it's hard to assess on one date. Maybe he also likes to have deep conversations about things but he just wasn't comfortable enough 

[catfeeder]

Judgy is not the same as using good judgment when it comes to your own private love life. You don’t owe anyone a list of someone’s shortcomings or even a single valid reason for not wanting to date someone. You’re a grown woman, not a teenager who is being peer pressured into dating anyone.

Most people are not our match. That’s not cynical, it’s natural odds. You will find dating much simpler when you can grasp that and lose the imaginary judge and jury you’re carrying around in your own mind that has you believing that you must justify your own feelings or lack of them.

Discretion is an aspect of maturity. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. If you experience a sinking feeling or anxiety about seeing someone again, you are well within your rights to pass and move forward to explore new people who may be a better match.

Experience is your teacher. Get some.

[boltnrun]

Why are you trying to talk yourself into liking this guy?

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

@Jaunty I can see what you are saying. 

It's just that I am not sure if an instant spark/connection and physical attraction are something I should strive for ? Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation, I don't know ? 

It doesn't have to be either of those things, but a level of enthusiasm is absolutely required IMO.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Well, I am not sure. I suppose I'd think people do change their minds and that their first impression are not always reliable ? And if they end up liking me, I am not sure I care about their first impression ? 

I don't know if it's realistic at all to continue seeing someone *just in case* you MIGHT, possibly, just MAYBE, start to like them.

Actually I think finding someone super annoying is more likely to lead somewhere worthwhile than indifference.

Also, from my perspective, you seem to be one of the women who is preoccupied with "is he interested?  HOW interested?   What are the signs?" and completely discounting the importance of whether YOU are interested.  It's super common on these boards and I think it's concerning.   

But nobody can tell you what to do about this.  You do you.

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Oh i am sorry, i think there has been a misunderstanding. Here I was talking about the guy I met on Okcupid 2 years ago, the one that became a good friend 🙂 I am planning to visit him in his city this month by the way. 

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ah I see. Is this one closer to you? Meaning geographically where you are or not?

Also, I dunno whether I wrote at start but didnt saw that I did, so I probably wrote on some other thread to somebody else:

You need to have both standards and preferences.

Standards- non negotiable things and deal-breakers. For example, shared values you mentioned.

Preferences- negotiable aka things that arent "must have". Physical feautures, height, job etc.

Its pretty clear that you dont share the same values and that you think of him as some naive yoko, so there is nothing to negotiate further. 

[Wonderstruck]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

He also texted me something along the lines of "I am happy and proud to be an honest and trustworthy person"

Oh, EW.

SHOW, don't TELL.

Something in the milk isn't clean with ANY guy who feels the need to BRAG about having qualities that are associated with being a "good person". 

You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders, and I think that you should continue to follow your gut instinct.

Also, I agree 100% with Catfeeder's post: You do NOT need to justify your lack of interest in this guy to a bunch of strangers on an internet forum.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

It's just that I am not sure if an instant spark/connection and physical attraction are something I should strive for ? Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation, I don't know ? 

How is a spark something to strive for?  I know of many couples who are happy together and had no spark the first handful of dates or were friends for a long time or coworkers before dating and never even considered the other person romantically.  Also you're so into picking these men apart you're not really in a headspace -or heart space -to feel or recognize a spark.  I wrote above what my personal standard was.  Is there a reason you feel you need to be that wowed by a complete stranger the first time you lay eyes on him? Do you feel that that way you don't have to actually consider whether he's a good match since you'll be so swept off your feet?

A spark is basically something that just happens - you can encourage it by being open to it, by being relaxed about meeting the person, by not being too much in your own head - but otherwise no I wouldn't have that as a standard in looking for an LTR. A one night stand -yes in the sense that don't bother having sex right away if you don't feel strong sexual attraction.

I had to date many many men and kiss a lot of frogs to become the right person to find the right person. I got married when I was 42.  I am 57.  I also got in my own way.  I also questioned when I was on the fence and yes I felt a strong spark later- but my standard was if I was on the fence I gave it up to 4 dates and if by then I didn't enjoy kissing him or desire to kiss him I moved on.

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

It's just that I am not sure if an instant spark/connection and physical attraction are something I should strive for ? Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation, I don't know ? 

I have this idea of how I would like to feel, but since I don't have much experience, I don't really know if it's realistic. 

The hard part of figuring out all this stuff is that there really is no one size fits all answer. Every relationship will be different. You might have had an instant connection with one person. Another person may take time to get to know. Some people have find themselves with instant physical attractions. I only find myself growing more physically attracted once I'm hooked in and attracted to something in their personality.  There is no way you should be feeling or what you should be striving, other then trusting in yourself. If you have an idea of how you want to feel, then that is what you should feel. That feeling may be unrealistic for someone else, but it's your feeling and it can (and eventually will) be realistic for you. While I would advise to give people a chance and not automatically disqualify them, if you aren't feeling it, then you simply aren't feeling it.

7 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I also don't really know if I "deserve" or if I am good enough for the guys I am trying to attract

What you deserve is someone good enough for you. You deserve to be loved, valued and respected for the person you are. You deserve someone who shares your core values and beliefs. Don't doubt yourself or question if you are good enough for anyone else. Be happy with the person you are and let the guys worry if they deserve you. 

7 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I think many assumptions were true actually. The text conversation we had was good at predicting that we would have different interests/values. 

Trust yourself. You aren't really excited about him. You don't seem to have a lot in common. Doesn't mean either side is doing anything wrong, just that it wasn't right. I find that generally people's first instincts turn out to be pretty good. You didn't seem enthused from the start, but you give it a try. You still aren't enthused. So it's probably not suppose to be. You can always stay in touch if you want and maybe you'll discover something more in common later, but it doesn't feel like there is anything there.

You are clearly someone who likes to think and analyze situations. I do that do. But at times, particularly with love and relationships, it's better to not overthink. Sometimes you have to trust your feeling. 

[Batya33]

Here's what I would strive for overall - listen to/read the lyrics of Billy Joel's long ago song You're My Home.  And I think the spark is essential - whether it happens right away or not - and to me the spark is chemistry but not only sexual attraction although that's essential to of course.  Do you feel at home with this person -or could you? Potentially? I like to make people feel comfortable in their own skin - do you? Does the person you're meeting seem to want to o that?

When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow
Well I never had a place
That I could call my very own
That's all right, my love
'Cause you're my home

[Verse 2]
When you touch my weary head
And you tell me everything will be all right
You say, "Use my body for your bed
And my love will keep you warm
Throughout the night"
Well I'll never be a stranger
And I'll never be alone
Wherever we're together, that's my home

[Bridge]
Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
High up in the hills of California
Home is just another word for you
Well I never had a place
That I could call my very own
That's all right, my love
Cause you're my home

[Verse 3]
If I travel all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There's a roof above
And good walls all around
You're my castle, you're my cabin
And my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house
Cause you're my home

[Outro]
You're my home

[MrMan1983]

Maybe come at this from more of an abundance mindset, you're not excited by this guy and that's fine it happens but you may be more excited by the next one, and if not then maybe the next one. Good to just go on a few different dates and see how it goes instead of overthinking one date (been there).

[Jaunty]

Are there qualities that you absolutely require your future partner to have?  Lifestyle considerations that would be deal makers / breakers?  

You speak as if any guy who's basically not a psychopath is potentially relationship material for you. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I am kind of glad I met someone like him because it means that those people, the one I could be compatible with exist. He really is a great person ! 

It seems like you have insight that this guy is sort of your unicorn and therefore you somehow made him the measuring stick.  The fact that you're still close and friends gives you a sort of safety net as far as "being picky", because even when you have a "meh" date you can always come home and talk to Mr unicorn. However two half-men doesn't equal one whole man. 

[lostandhurt]

Carrot,

If you aren't sure and want to make sure then by all means see him again but do it for the right reasons.  You are very correct that he could be much deeper than your first impressions because he was nervous so if you are attracted to him and think there is more there than meets the eye find out.  But if you are trying to convince yourself to see him again when you know deep down he is not the guy for you then you need to remember he is human and has feelings too so tread carefully. 

 Dating is all about learning and being surprised by the things that transpire while you are looking for someone to share your life with.  As you go along your ideas, preferences, likes or dislikes may change or soften which is perfectly okay because you change as well.  This is where none of us can help you because the lessons have not been learned yet. 

  Your presumptions turned out to be very accurate which is good so you know to trust your gut.  You are doing well so keep learning and keep an open mind and you will know when it feels right.

 Lost

[Shycarrot]

Hello to all, thanks agin for your help 

I apologize for my late reply, I have had a lot of work this week 😅

 

On 1/8/2024 at 9:39 PM, catfeeder said:

Most people are not our match. That’s not cynical, it’s natural odds. You will find dating much simpler when you can grasp that and lose the imaginary judge and jury you’re carrying around in your own mind that has you believing that you must justify your own feelings or lack of them.

Thank you, I needed to hear this 🙂 This guy and I are not a great match, then 

On 1/8/2024 at 9:54 PM, boltnrun said:

Why are you trying to talk yourself into liking this guy?

Because I am afraid that I am being too picky and that I give up on potential partners too easily, you know ?

But I am more decisive now. During the date I mentioned the podcasts I was listening to (he asked) and he even listened to an episode this week, which is sweet. 

 

He didn't chose the most light-hearted episode though 😂 He picked one about sex tourism. Anyway,  he said it was "interesting but not ideal to start the day in a good mood". 

To be honest, I was a bit put-off by his reply. There's a lot more to say about this episode. Anyway, he recommended me his favorite podcast but I found it very shallow and uninteresting, it was just 3 men talking about random subjects. 

I am sure plenty of people are into it but it's not my cup of tea. 

 

@Jaunty

I agree. Since I am indifferent to an idea of a second date, I think I am going to text him today to let him know, gently, that I am not interested to pursue him. 

Yes, I tend to focus on the guy's feeling instead on my own "is he interested ? if he is, I will hurt him if I decide to let him go, maybe I should give him time then, maybe he'll grow on me..." 

But I am trying to break the habit 🙂 

@Kwothe28

Yes, we live in the same city. 

You're right, our values don't match which is why I am going to let him go. Standards and preferences are a good way to put it. 

@Wonderstruck

Yes !! That rubbed me the wrong way too, I am not even sure we would agree on the meaning of "trust-worthiness" and "honesty"  

On 1/9/2024 at 12:21 AM, Batya33 said:

Also you're so into picking these men apart you're not really in a headspace -or heart space -to feel or recognize a spark. 

Totally, I have reflected on that. I think I should be more intuitive in my approach to dating. Having said that, I really don't think I'd be happy with this guy, we're too different and I really need to be with someone I find uplifting (of course, I hope I will also bring something to the table for the guy I date). 

 

On 1/9/2024 at 12:21 AM, Batya33 said:

I had to date many many men and kiss a lot of frogs to become the right person to find the right person. I got married when I was 42.  I am 57.  I also got in my own way.  I also questioned when I was on the fence and yes I felt a strong spark later- but my standard was if I was on the fence I gave it up to 4 dates and if by then I didn't enjoy kissing him or desire to kiss him I moved on.

I am happy you finally found a good partner 🙂 

That's a good and realistic standard to have, thanks 

@ShySoul

Thank you so much for your kind words ! I will try not to think too much about it 🙂 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

On 1/9/2024 at 4:43 AM, ShySoul said:

What you deserve is someone good enough for you. You deserve to be loved, valued and respected for the person you are. You deserve someone who shares your core values and beliefs. Don't doubt yourself or question if you are good enough for anyone else. Be happy with the person you are and let the guys worry if they deserve you. 

Thank you so much ❤️

On 1/9/2024 at 12:13 PM, Batya33 said:

Here's what I would strive for overall - listen to/read the lyrics of Billy Joel's long ago song You're My Home. 

Those lyrics are beautiful and really inspiring, thank you 🙂 I will keep this in mind

On 1/9/2024 at 9:17 PM, lostandhurt said:

But if you are trying to convince yourself to see him again when you know deep down he is not the guy for you then you need to remember he is human and has feelings too so tread carefully. 

Absolutely ! I think it's wiser to let him go, then.

Indeed, at first I did not see dating as a learning experience but that makes sense 🙂 Thank you for your reply, it's very reassuring 

On 1/9/2024 at 8:35 PM, Wiseman2 said:

However two half-men doesn't equal one whole man. 

That's right. And that why I have to keep looking for the "whole man", I suppose 

 

On 1/9/2024 at 6:35 PM, Jaunty said:

Are there qualities that you absolutely require your future partner to have?  Lifestyle considerations that would be deal makers / breakers?  

You speak as if any guy who's basically not a psychopath is potentially relationship material for you. 

Haha, the last sentence made me laugh 😂

Empathy, kindness, humility, honesty and calmness are all must-haves. 

I can not deal with a selfish, self-centered, arrogant or short-tempered person anymore. I have plenty of those in my family and I am sick of it. 

I think I am flexible and open regarding other personality traits (extroverted vs introverted, homebody or not ...). 

I am aware everyone has flaws, I just don't want them to be any of the ones I listed above. 

I absolutely want them to have progressive values, that's a must-have as well.

If I were to speak about lifestyle consideration, I would say that I am looking for a person who's healthy, clean, and does not have to move a lot (due to his career or whatever). 

 

It's just that finding a guy like this, and who's about my age, who lives near me, who's available and interested in me at the same time does not seem likely 🤔

The odds are low, but I guess that's what makes romantic love special ? 

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Because I am afraid that I am being too picky and that I give up on potential partners too easily, you know ?

You do not give up too easily, just the opposite. You agonize about men you do not want to date, as though you must build a case to present to your imaginary judge and jury. 

Have you been harrassed by friends or family into dating people you didn't want to date? Or are you bullied into believing that THEIR calendar and conditions for you must be met? Or maybe you're pessimistic about your ability to meet anyone else?

You don't need to sentence yourself to painful deliberation about every guy you meet. THAT will make dating too painful. Instead, press the pause button on every guy unless or until the guy invites you for another date. From there, consider your gut reaction--does the invitation make you happy? If not, just pass! It CAN be that simple, and you don't owe anyone a single explanation--including the guy. Just say, "It was nice to meet you, but I don't think we're a romantic match, and I need to pass." Boom! DONE.

You might practice telling your loved ones that you appreciate their concern, but you are feeling pressured, and you'd like it to stop. Every other topic in the world is open for discussion, but you are no longer interested in debating your love life with anyone.

Head high.

[boltnrun]

The right man could pass you by while you're wasting time trying to force yourself to like the wrong ones.

[Batya33]

I don't know of anyone who wants a partner who is self centered and arrogant but I was a bit taken aback by your intense criticism of your date's views about a podcast.  Totally your call!  I remember being able to tell I was being nexted by a guy who rolled his eyes because I was unfamiliar with the Grand Tetons- a 3 -4 hour plane ride from us.

I agree be short and polite in declining and don't worry about the man being hurt - assume you're one of a number of people he is meeting/wants to meet.  As far as a man who doesn't travel much for work I'd also make that clear because people can change careers to a career that requires much more travel -better to be upfront about your issue with this.

Good luck!

[boltnrun]

I decided I wasn't interested in a guy because he was wearing an ugly pleather coat 🤷‍♂️ It can be for any reason or no reason at all, or an ephemeral reason like a pleather coat!

I was in a relationship with a man who was very, very, VERY good looking.  Strongly resembled a popular movie actor.  But he was a sexist, egotistical oaf.  He also tried to come across as educated but he constantly mispronounced words or used the wrong words.  I would have preferred he admit to not knowing how to pronounce something or that he was unfamiliar with a word rather than be so arrogant to believe he KNEW he was right.  Here's a story:  one time we went to a movie.  He insisted he wanted to wait until right before the movie started to be seated.  I told him if we waited we would end up in the very front row of the theater.  He told me that would NOT happen and that we were going to wait.  Period.  Well, guess what?  We went in and the only available seats were in the front row!  We tried to watch the movie for a few minutes and he whined and complained and b*tched the entire time.  Finally we walked out.  He repeated over and over "You were right.  You were right" in an angry tone.  He was furious that not only was he wrong about something but that I had been right.  He had told me women should let men make all the decisions because women are "too emotional".  So to be proven that not only was he wrong but I was right infuriated him.  He was totally shocked when I chose to stop dating him.  Some of my friends told me I was crazy.  "But he's SO GOOD LOOKING!!!"  I told them, then you date him and you can just stare at him all the time since him being so good looking is more important to you than anything else.  They thought I should stick around because I'm no beauty queen and he still chose me, so I should just be grateful.  I thought that was absolutely ridiculous.  I won't choose who to be in a relationship with by committee.  And I won't stay in a relationship with a man I don't like just because he's "good looking".

So if you don't like him you don't have to date him anymore.  Don't try to force yourself just because you think for some arbitrary reason you "should".

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

...I won't choose who to be in a relationship with by committee. 

Exactly! That's the perfect way to allow those who want you to be happy to make you miserable. Don't feed the beast by giving them excuses. Tell them to credit you with the self knowledge to decide when you would not ENJOY seeing someone again. Period. 

Quote

So if you don't like him you don't have to date him anymore.  Don't try to force yourself just because you think for some arbitrary reason you "should".

Yep, don't put yourself through a wringer trying to come up with excuses not to like someone, as though there's some kind of math equation you must satisfy in order to be 'allowed' to not like him.

The only thing you need to know is your own private answer to the question, "Would the idea of spending my whole Saturday afternoon with this guy make me feel inspired and happy?" If that answer is no, then he's a simple pass. You don't need to justify that.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/28/2023 at 11:26 AM, lostandhurt said:

I think we have a record for the most multi quotes in one post.  14 multi quotes, 

Great sense of humor. But true, never understood the multi quotes and how difficult it is to read through them. 

[Shycarrot]

Oh no ! I am really sorry 😭

 

I thought this was convenient for everyone. 

But just to give you an update : I stopped seing that guy. We talked a bit after the date and the conversation fizzled out. 

Thanks again for your help ❤️