Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, you're learning that the goal is NOT to try to force a fit with bad matches. That wastes your time and his. You're allowed to have a good time, yet on reflection recognize that you're just plain not interested in seeing him again.  

I agree.  For me personally I didn't need to be smitten after a first meet and it was really rare that I was -if I was it typically was not based in reality -I agree twice in one week is - kind of a lot.  I'm mentioning this because if you're looking for smitten that sounds unusual particularly given how  you've mentioned what you are looking for.  

[boltnrun]

There's a difference between "maybe..." and "meh". 

[Shycarrot]

Okay, I see. 

I'll have to let him down gently ... 

He just sent me a very long text about a book he's reading (Bell Hooks, All about love) because we talked about her work during our meeting.

He raved about her description of love ("love is a choice to connect... to find ourselves in the other")

I know it's silly but I feel a bit worse now, like somehow I am a bad person for not choosing to love him ... 

But don't worry, these kind of thoughts are only fleeting 😉

I am already constructing a clear but gentle text message, something like this : 

"I have thought about it (the second date offer) these past few days, and even though it was very nice meeting you and you seem like an interesting person, I am not sure I want to pursue."

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

 I feel a bit worse now, like somewhat I am a bad person for not choosing to love him ... 

Please be honest and sincere with him and let him know you're not a match.  The message is fine and will set you both free.

[Shycarrot]

I have just sent it. 

Instead of "I don't want to pursue", I wrote that I didn't feel a romantic connection and that I was sorry. 

Thanks for your help ! 

 

[catfeeder]

17 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I have just sent it. 

Instead of "I don't want to pursue", I wrote that I didn't feel a romantic connection and that I was sorry. 

Thanks for your help ! 

 

Good job. You’re not seeking social work, you’re seeking your equal. There are certain things you can pick up that are red flags, and you don’t need to overlook those just because someone is not a villain.

This gets easier with practice. If you drag things out, you’ll emotionally exhaust yourself, and that would only feed your narrative that this is harder for you than for others, you’re not lucky enough, blah, blah. No, it’s up to you to make dating easier on yourself, and keep moving forward until you strike simpatico with a good match.

Head high, you can do this.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree.  For me personally I didn't need to be smitten after a first meet and it was really rare that I was -if I was it typically was not based in reality -I agree twice in one week is - kind of a lot.  I'm mentioning this because if you're looking for smitten that sounds unusual particularly given how  you've mentioned what you are looking for.  

No, she was open to the idea of seeing him again without being ‘smitten,’ but on reflection she recognized a red flag that was valid and uninspiring for a future social life with the guy. Good point, though.

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

No, she was open to the idea of seeing him again without being ‘smitten,’ but on reflection she recognized a red flag that was valid and uninspiring for a future social life with the guy. Good point, though.

Thanks and I was wrong, I agree.

[Batya33]

He sounds over the top in a concerning way -no need to turn him down "gently" -it's a first meet. I like what you wrote.

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

There are certain things you can pick up that are red flags,

Is this really a red flag? Or is it just a mismatch… I don’t think this guy showed any warning signs outside the fact that his personality didn’t align with what OP was looking for. I think we over use this term, because the guy can easily meet someone more reserved like he is and she won’t see it as such. Red flags, to me, apply to people who pretend to be someone they are not, or who have intentions contradicting to what they pretend… 

Anyway, I’m glad you made your decision and don’t worry for him. He will be fine. If I can suggest something for the next time you have to « reject » someone, don’t say you didn’t feel the romantic spark… just say that you both seem to want something different from a relationship. Because if you say you didn’t feel the spark, they will automatically assume it’s because of their looks, which is always a hard pill to swallow… just my opinion… 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Is this really a red flag? Or is it just a mismatch… I don’t think this guy showed any warning signs outside the fact that his personality didn’t align with what OP was looking for. I think we over use this term, because the guy can easily meet someone more reserved like he is and she won’t see it as such. Red flags, to me, apply to people who pretend to be someone they are not, or who have intentions contradicting to what they pretend… 

I don't necessarily think that it was a "red flag" in the sense that his behavior didn't seem abusive nor dangerous, but it was concerning enough for me. 

Like I said, I just got the general vibe that he was uncomfortable interacting with others, he even said so. 

I think he ghosted me for multiple reasons (panic, lack of communication and social skills) and I worried this pattern (panicking, stonewalling ...) will happen again. 

Maybe my brain is focusing too much on the negative in order to protect myself though. 

He can definitely find someone else, but if am right, this communication issue will arise. 

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Anyway, I’m glad you made your decision and don’t worry for him. He will be fine. If I can suggest something for the next time you have to « reject » someone, don’t say you didn’t feel the romantic spark… just say that you both seem to want something different from a relationship. Because if you say you didn’t feel the spark, they will automatically assume it’s because of their looks, which is always a hard pill to swallow… just my opinion…

Thank you, you are right 🙂

He replied that he understood, and that he respected my choice

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Maybe my brain is focusing too much on the negative in order to protect myself though. 

As I always say, when you feel you have to protect yourself from someone or something, it’s just your gut feeling telling you that it’s not where you belong… you are doing great.
With the right guy, you won’t have to second guess for a second. You both will just click… this is why I still go on dates, because I’m sure someday I will experience this. I wish you will too! 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Is this really a red flag? Or is it just a mismatch… I don’t think this guy showed any warning signs outside the fact that his personality didn’t align with what OP was looking for. I think we over use this term, because the guy can easily meet someone more reserved like he is and she won’t see it as such. Red flags, to me, apply to people who pretend to be someone they are not, or who have intentions contradicting to what they pretend… 

I don’t tend to overcomplicate it. Red means ‘stop’. It can be for any reason. 

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

As I always say, when you feel you have to protect yourself from someone or something, it’s just your gut feeling telling you that it’s not where you belong… you are doing great.
With the right guy, you won’t have to second guess for a second. You both will just click… this is why I still go on dates, because I’m sure someday I will experience this. I wish you will too! 

Thank you I wish you the same 🙂

Quote

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Good job. You’re not seeking social work, you’re seeking your equal

 

It's crazy, but my sister told me the exact same thing ! 

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This gets easier with practice. If you drag things out, you’ll emotionally exhaust yourself, and that would only feed your narrative that this is harder for you than for others, you’re not lucky enough, blah, blah. No, it’s up to you to make dating easier on yourself, and keep moving forward until you strike simpatico with a good match.

Thank you so much ! 

I am focusing on the bright side : personality-wise he's a better match than the guys I dated before, which means there's still an improvement and I am slowly getting better (I suppose) when it comes to vetting my match before the date 🙂 

[catfeeder]

5 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

am focusing on the bright side : personality-wise he's a better match than the guys I dated before, which means there's still an improvement and I am slowly getting better (I suppose) when it comes to vetting my match before the date 🙂 

Good. When you can become comfortable with the outcome of 'nexting' guys who aren't a good match, you might find yourself more willing to focus your vetting on shared goals, values, interests, intelligence and humor, and less on appealing images. Lots of people don't photograph well but can be outright gorgeous when you meet them. OR, as in cases where I've crushed on professors or charismatic men at work, they aren't even good looking, but there is just something about them that can wow you in person.

So finding yourself willing to roll the dice over a simple cup of coffee can start to feel comfortable and enjoyable, regardless of outcomes. I tend to view connecting human-to-human as a gift, whether it's an old couple in a grocery store or a great guy in a cafe, nothing is ever wasted. It just doesn't add up to large quantities of romantic prospects. But you're not looking for a mass market, you're looking for ONE. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

[Shycarrot]

On 3/14/2024 at 12:40 AM, catfeeder said:

So finding yourself willing to roll the dice over a simple cup of coffee can start to feel comfortable and enjoyable, regardless of outcomes. I tend to view connecting human-to-human as a gift, whether it's an old couple in a grocery store or a great guy in a cafe, nothing is ever wasted. It just doesn't add up to large quantities of romantic prospects.

If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

It's beautifully said 😊

 

 

[Jaunty]

I think it would help you if there were some way you could move towards "keeping it simple."  I know that it takes all kinds, but this fussing and micro-analyzing over every detail or possible nuance must be exhausting and also unsustainable. 

[Shycarrot]

Hi 😊 

 

I think my other thread has been deleted so I want to thank you here for your support 🙏

It’s a shame that I don’t have access to your replies anymore. But again, thank you very much 🙏

My efforts to meet more people have finally paid off 😊 I have been invited to many social events this month and my social circle is expanding exponentially. 
 

I just wanted to give you an update   
 

Have a nice day 🌺✨

 

 

[Capricorn3]

14 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I think my other thread has been deleted

I have had a look and haven't found anything indicating that a thread has been deleted (btw, we don't delete threads anyway).  Can you tell me which thread it was? Title? When posted?

[Shycarrot]

13 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I have had a look and haven't found anything indicating that a thread has been deleted (btw, we don't delete threads anyway).  Can you tell me which thread it was? Title? When posted?

Thank you so much ! 
 

Well, the title was « Am I too needy? », it was posted last December if I remember correctly.

 

When I click on the last notification from the thread, it states that I « do not have permission to view this topic ». 
 

Thanks ! 

[Mason Parsons]

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it's okay to take a step back and reassess. It's not about being picky; it's about finding someone who aligns with your values and makes you feel respected. If you're unsure about this guy, maybe it's worth having an open conversation before the date to clarify your concerns.

[Shycarrot]

Hi there 🙂

I followed your advice and joined a bunch of social events the last few weeks ! I am having a blast, and it's SO great for my mental health so thank you 🙏

Having said that, I have been put in a position where I have to evaluate a few guys that I recently met, because they are showing interest in me. 

I want to emphasize that I joined these events to make friends (mainly), I didn't anticipate that I would be pursued that much but I guess there are plenty of single men in those apps. 

If I listen to my intuition, I would not pursue any of them romantically.

There are 4 of them and I met them all on meetup :

The first one asked me on a date because he said he liked my personality. Since it was a text conversation, it was easier to manage and I politely and gently declined, after thanking him. We had no chemistry and I wasn't particularly attracted nor intrigued by him, sadly. 

I met the second on Wednesday. We had an interesting conversation but he openly admitted that he used meetup as a backup for tinder. He didn't seem very kind to be honest, I enjoyed talking to him but I don't know if he's trust-worthy, he seemed judgmental. His body language made me think he was attracted to me. Plus he asked for my number and asked if we could meet again

The third guy invited me to the cinema. I asked him if anyone else would be there, he said he could create event so that other people would join us and he did. So I am not sure about this one, but I guess I'll find out. 

Finally, I was introduced to the fourth guy today. A common friend, who was attending the same event, told me a few days ago that this guy was very attracted to my profile picture and was eager to meet me. I brushed it off, saying that it was just an old picture. 

Anyway, I have met him today. When he got the opportunity to sit next to me, he started to chat. He was very agreeable, friendly but also touchy-feely, randomly touching my back as he spoke. 

He asked a lot of questions and I didn't have much room to learn more about him, besides his hobbies and a few things. 

At some point, I was uncomfortable because some guys were unintentionally bumping my back (the bar was crowded) during our conversation, so I involuntarily made a face.

His facial expression changed and suddenly he seemed really annoyed/angry. He got between me and the guy with his arm and ordered him to be careful, to the point where the guy apologized and blamed it on the crowd.

I know plenty of women find this type of behavior attractive, but I am not sure I do. Being shoved into in a crowded bar is not a big deal in my opinion and I was not in pain (sorry if it's a controversial opinion, I can further elaborate if necessary)

Besides, I don't like it when people are short-tempered, I find it scary. Moreover he's very tall, muscular and weighs at least twice as much as me which reinforces my fear. 

Here are the things I don't like about him : 

-probably quick to anger 

-drinks and parties a lot, does drugs

- not attracted to him physically 

-scared that he idealizes me 

-is 8 years older than me (it's not a deal-breaker but still)

- too touchy-feely with women, I guess 

(what I do like about him : our conversation, how passionate he is about his hobbies) 

At the end, he said he looked forward to seeing me again and wanted to invite me to dinner. 

But the rational part of my brain does not think it's a good idea to see him again. I am probably quick to dismiss people, so I don't know it it's right lol

Anyway, any advice is appreciated 🙂 

Thank you 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

Maybe you'll find some common ground with cinema guy.  The backup tinder guy - I don't know.  How do you judge "kindness" on a casual first intro chat?  Was he saying awful stuff about other people?   Being sarcastic? 

As for the others, just stay pleasant and polite, and don't date them.  The last guy - you have very clear reasons why not, so there is not point in even considering it.  Same goes for the first one, but you have handled that.

This is like OLD except for the "first meets" have been more organic.  Same purpose, though - to see if there is potential. If the answer to that is 'no,' that's perfectly OK, even though the guys might not like it very much.

[LootieTootie]

Do you like the cinema guy? Are you attracted to him?

The rest of the guys - no.

And yes, Meetup groups is another tool to meet people and maybe even find a significant other. You putting yourself out there is awesome! Keep attending if you're enjoying the group. You never know who will pop in.

I never met any one while single and active in Meetup groups, but I did meet a lot of kind and interesting people.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

The third guy invited me to the cinema. I asked him if anyone else would be there, he said he could create event so that other people would join us and he did. So I am not sure about this one, but I guess I'll find out. 

 It's great you're broadening your social horizons and getting out there meeting people. Cinema Guy seems like the only one you sort of even like so maybe that will lead to something?