Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Sindy_0311]

10 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I followed your advice and joined a bunch of social events the last few weeks !

Hi! I’m glad you are meeting new people. I never tried meetup, and from what you describe it’s like OLD. Don’t they organize group brunch’s, museum visits or things like that? 
I considered trying meetup a few month ago, but if there are guys reaching out and trying to get one on one dates, I might change my mind, because I thought it was more to do activities in a group of people… 

[Batya33]

That's great that you're putting yourself out there! Also your anger guy reminded me of a Sex and The City episode where Charlotte meets Mr. Perfect -for her -you know clean cut, buttoned up, reserved -until a couple dates in he thinks some guy is bothering her and he unleashes on him -Charlotte makes a Charlotte Face and is -done.  

I defer to you as far as whether  you think the angry guy overreacted -sounds like he did!

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

The City episode where Charlotte meets Mr. Perfect -for her -you know clean cut, buttoned up, reserved -until a couple dates in he thinks some guy is bothering her and he unleashes on him -Charlotte makes a Charlotte Face and is -done.  

I defer to you as far as whether  you think the angry guy overreacted -sounds like he did!

I haven't watched this show but the comparison is probably accurate. 

To be honest, his reaction worries me and I find myself anxious as I know he'll probably text me in the following hours/days. 

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I considered trying meetup a few month ago, but if there are guys reaching out and trying to get one on one dates, I might change my mind, because I thought it was more to do activities in a group of people…

Yeah, I was a bit put off by this as well 😕 In my area, guys treat Meetup as a dating app. 

Whereas I am open-minded and just want to meet more people. If I end up finding someone relationship-worthy, great, if not, I am still spending a good time 

To be fair, I mainly joined dinners and after work-drinks because of my work schedule. Maybe these kind of event are more conducive to flirting ? 

I used to join activities like wine tasting, museums, ice staking, dance and climbing before, and I don't think guys there had the same mindset (plus some of them were already in a relationship). 

So I don't think you need to rule out meetup, it's generally good and I have made new friends 🙂

 

[Shycarrot]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 It's great you're broadening your social horizons and getting out there meeting people. Cinema Guy seems like the only one you sort of even like so maybe that will lead to something?  

Thank you 🙂 

Actually, I appreciate all of them to some degree (except for the first one). 

It's just that generally, I like to do a "rational" evaluation before allowing myself to fall for someone, does that make sense ?

Besides the cinema guy, all of them possess "worrisome" traits but if I spend more time with them, get attached and develop feelings, I might overlook those traits... That's what worries me. 

I would like to avoid falling for guys who are not good for me if possible and to redirect my focus to guys that are more reliable and with whom I can develop a healthy relationship 🙂 

I don't know if that makes sense lol 

Anger-issues and meanness to others (like the second guy) are no-nos

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Do you like the cinema guy? Are you attracted to him?

The rest of the guys - no

I appreciate him, but I am not attracted to him yet. 

Do you also think my concerns are valid regarding the others guys ? 

If I focus on the bright side, going out more has given me opportunities to meet men without the flakiness and ghostings that comes with OLD.

Statistically speaking, I will probably bump into someone compatible if I continue doing this 🙂 I am in no rush though, I genuinely enjoy the process 

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Maybe you'll find some common ground with cinema guy.  The backup tinder guy - I don't know.  How do you judge "kindness" on a casual first intro chat?  Was he saying awful stuff about other people?   Being sarcastic? 

Both 😅 He seemed disdainful and not particularly empathetic in the way he spoke of others. He also had a sarcastic humor lol 

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

You putting yourself out there is awesome! Keep attending if you're enjoying the group. You never know who will pop in

Thank you so much 🙂 

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I never met any one while single and active in Meetup groups, but I did meet a lot of kind and interesting people.  

It's great 🙂 I recommend the app to anyone who complains about loneliness now

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Try not to fret so much about getting attached to or in relationships with men you don't like, respect or are attracted to.

Unless you're unusually anxious or somehow had bad experiences with staying with inappropriate men, there's no need to worry about who you don't like. Focus on who interests you.

Meetups are for meeting people in general. There's no evil intent if people go to expand their social circles, including meeting potential dates. Please try to relax. No one you dislike is going to chase you down and make you date them. Go and enjoy yourself. 

[Shycarrot]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to fret so much about getting attached to or in relationships with men you don't like, respect or are attracted to.

You're right, I shouldn't !! 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unless you're unusually anxious or somehow had bad experiences with staying with inappropriate men, there's no need to worry about who you don't like

Not really ! I guess I know plenty of people who got stuck in toxic relationships

I know everyone's different and that does not mean that it will happen to me 🙂 I am just very cautious

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus on who interests you.

Meetups are for meeting people in general. There's no evil intent if people go to expand their social circles, including meeting potential dates. Please try to relax. No one you dislike is going to chase you down and make you date them. Go and enjoy yourself. 

Thank you 🙏

 

 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Not really ! I guess I know plenty of people who got stuck in toxic relationships

I know everyone's different and that does not mean that it will happen to me 🙂 I am just very cautious

That's kind of odd -do you judge the relationships as toxic -are these people who throw around the term and why are they stuck? Are there kids involved or someone forcing them to stay? Certainly we all approach new friendships and relationships with a bit of caution but how about -cautious optimism? 

[Jaunty]

Being stuck is a personal decision.  Don't stay in a situation because you are "hoping" the person or the situation will change, don't ignore red flags in order to "give it a chance."   For you I would suggest to PLEASE try to take things a little easy, your propensity to overanalyze might really get in your way.   A person can't really be present to receive what is coming at them if they are not open to taking it as it comes and are, instead, looking for "hidden" meanings.   

Have fun!  You're doing fine.

[catfeeder]

It's wonderful to hear that you're enjoying yourself. Given that you're getting a bit swarmed by guys, allow yourself to grow more comfortable turning them down unless and until one inspires you to feel happy about dating him. Otherwise, you can simply tell the guy that you're not open for dating, and you'd like to just enjoy making friends there.

Also consider that with meetups, it's the 'new kid' that often gets a lot of attention, and the swarming will settle down. You're not obligated to date anyone--especially from within the groups you really want to continue attending without feeling awkward about any dates-gone-wrong.

Remind yourself that you do not need to justify anything about a lack of attraction. That can simply be a 'feeling' rather than a bulleted list of data points. It's reasonable to have a lack of attraction to the majority of people--it's natural odds. Weighing this too heavily will exhaust you, and that can rob you of enjoyment and possibly send you back into the comfort of solitude. Skip that, and allow 'no' to mean 'no,' and that's that.

Head high, and thanks for the update. EnjOy!

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for your reply 🙂 

I am a bit frustrated today. 

I have been on a social drinking event on Friday night. I had an amazing time, the music was good, I met several interesting people and among them, a guy that I found really really handsome. 

I catched him several times staring at me, then as the night progressed, we talked, he started to tease me, he invited me to dance multiple times and we ended up dancing close for a long time etc ... 

He sent me a text this morning and we started to chat. I admit I was super happy 🙈

At some point I asked what he did during his free time, and he mentioned that he played golf, video games and hung out with his girlfriend.

It was a gut punch 😅

Apparently, he does not get along with her friends, so he wants to make more "friends" on his own through meetup. And she does not uses this app, allegedly because she has a large social circle as opposed to him. 

We are supposed to go out again this Saturday night, with the same group of people. 

But honestly, I am not sure it's a great idea. I am really uncomfortable with the fact that he has a girlfriend, I find his behavior ambiguous and disrespectful to his gf. I don't even know what to do if he invites me to dance again. 

Is it okay if I say something along the lines of : "you have a girlfriend, so I am not sure it's appropriate ?". 

And also, I still find him physically attractive 🙄 So hanging out with him is going to be frustrating, knowing that nothing can happen ! 

Plus, with the traits he exhibits (untrustworthiness, dishonesty ...), I don't think we can be friends. 

He seems totally "unaware" and he texts me a lot, as if he really wanted to know more about me. He has just asked me if I had a boyfriend...

But at some point, I will have to end the conversation or at least set some boundaries. I don't know how yet. 

Anyway, any help is appreciated to manage the situation 🙂 Thank you in advance ! 

 

PS :

On the bright side, I guess it's a great thing that he was open about having a girlfriend this early !  

And now I remember how it feels to actually be attracted to someone. 

To top it all, one of his close friends, offered me to go on a date ! Sadly, I am not interested in him 😕

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

 I asked what he did during his free time, and he mentioned that he played golf, video games and hung out with his girlfriend.. ..Apparently, he does not get along with her friends, so he wants to make more "friends" on his own through meetup. 

 

Plus, with the traits he exhibits (untrustworthiness, dishonesty ...), I don't think we can be friends. 

He seems totally "unaware" and he texts me a lot, as if he really wanted to know more about me. He has just asked me if I had a boyfriend...

Sorry this happened. Was this a general meetup situation or for singles? It seems he's there to make friends. 

Go and enjoy your meetups but it would be best to avoid someone who has a GF if you're interested in dating. Try to mingle with the single people. That he's handsome doesn't mean he's free to go after. 

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Apparently, he does not get along with her friends, so he wants to make more "friends" on his own through meetup. And she does not uses this app, allegedly because she has a large social circle as opposed to him. 

If you bought that, I have a large case of good Yugoslavian wine to sell you lol

He wants to fool around without his girlfriend. Ask yourself one thing: Do you really think she would be fine with him dancing closely with some other woman? Or she would dig his eyes with the spoon if she knew he did that?

He disclosed because you would probably found out from the social group. Not because he is so honest and truthful. Dont be fooled with that.

I think its good that you do meetup with different people. But as far as this is going, avoid that guy in future meetups as much as you can.

[Shycarrot]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go and enjoy your meetups but it would be best to avoid someone who has a GF if you're interested in dating

I could not agree more, thank you 

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was this a general meetup situation or for singles? It seems he's there to make friends. 

It was a general meetup situation, I never go to single-only events because I have some apprehensions but maybe I'll give it a try in the future. 

I have just learnt that he texted another girl friend who was there on Friday night as well. He informed her that he wanted nothing more than friendship, but at the same time, he said he did not want his girlfriend to know they were talking 😅

He says he is lonely and that his girlfriend is very busy...

I don't know if he's genuine or if it's some sort of game to depict himself as a poor, helpless guy who needs to be "rescued" by someone. 

I mean, if you have issues with your relationship, the best thing you can do is talk to your partner instead of other strangers ? And if that does not work, you are an adult and you can make decisions accordingly. 

And isn't it strange that he mainly socialized with women (me and the other girl) when he assures he uses meetup to make friends ? Maybe he wants to see what else is out there, just in case he wants to break up 

I am sorry, maybe I am judging him too harshly but I tend to imagine the worst case scenarios in order to protect myself ! 

Feel free to correct me if I am wrong and again, thanks for your advice ! 

[kim42]

I don't believe this guy only wants to make new friends, based on your description he's looking for a side chick. He probably told you about his gf because you would eventually find out yourself. I hobestly don't buy his excuse, and I think most women wouldn't like their boyfriend to dance and text another girl.

[kim42]

32 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you bought that, I have a large case of good Yugoslavian wine to sell you lol

He wants to fool around without his girlfriend. Ask yourself one thing: Do you really think she would be fine with him dancing closely with some other woman? Or she would dig his eyes with the spoon if she knew he did that?

He disclosed because you would probably found out from the social group. Not because he is so honest and truthful. Dont be fooled with that.

I think its good that you do meetup with different people. But as far as this is going, avoid that guy in future meetups as much as you can.

I agree with this 100%. I'm also interested in the Yugoslavian wine 😁

[Batya33]

This is one individual who acted like a total jerk and I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

...he said he did not want his girlfriend to know they were talking 😅

Yeah, he's disloyal. Not friendship material. I'd stop replying to him, and I'd avoid close dancing with him. If he asks you anything about not texting, I'd just be honest with him, "I'd heard that you didn't want your GF knowing about  the women you text, and I'm not down with that." Boom, done.

But I wouldn't allow his presence to stop me from enjoying the rest of the group. Think of it as navigating your way through a wedding reception. There's sometimes somebody who has a rep for groping or whatever, and you'd have no trouble avoiding him. Also, as is common safety practice today, be careful with your drink. Not only should you never leave it unattended, but even while standing with it, there are cocktail fitting lids for women that allow just the straw to poke through. But I'd still watch it, because the straw itself can get spiked.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, he's disloyal. Not friendship material. I'd stop replying to him, and I'd avoid close dancing with him. If he asks you anything about not texting, I'd just be honest with him, "I'd heard that you didn't want your GF knowing about  the women you text, and I'm not down with that." Boom, done.

But I wouldn't allow his presence to stop me from enjoying the rest of the group. Think of it as navigating your way through a wedding reception. There's sometimes somebody who has a rep for groping or whatever, and you'd have no trouble avoiding him. Also, as is common safety practice today, be careful with your drink. Not only should you never leave it unattended, but even while standing with it, there are cocktail fitting lids for women that allow just the straw to poke through. But I'd still watch it, because the straw itself can get spiked.

Yes all of this -have zero contact with this person and don't let it stop you from attending. 

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for your replies ! 

I definitely agree that there's something fishy going on ... 

He texted me yesterday at midnight (!!!!) asking if he could come to my place and see me, of course I refused !!

I immediately informed the other girl he's texting (I am going to call her L) and we had a long conversation where we both agreed that this guy was very strange and disrespectful to his girlfriend ! 

Apparently, he also asked if he could come to her place on Saturday, because he needed to talk. She accepted. He then warned her that nothing would happen because he was in a relationship and at the same time, told her he still didn't want his gf to know. 

So he went at her place, they had a long discussion where he told her that he was socially awkward, that he needed an "emotional connection" in order to open himself up to people and that he really struggled to make friends. 

He then asked L for a dance, and apparently they were also dancing pretty close 🤦 This made L really suspicious of his behavior

It's funny how he only "connects" with women on an emotional level and how this type of connection implies close dancing, that's absurd.  

I mean, this guy seems like a total player. I feel sorry for his girlfriend. 

Anyway, I am going to avoid him at all costs. 

I am going to tell him I don't want to text him anymore 

 

 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you so much for your replies ! 

I definitely agree that there's something fishy going on ... 

He texted me yesterday at midnight (!!!!) asking if he could come to my place and see me, of course I refused !!

I immediately informed the other girl he's texting (I am going to call her L) and we had a long conversation where we both agreed that this guy was very strange and disrespectful to his girlfriend ! 

Apparently, he also asked if he could come to her place on Saturday, because he needed to talk. She accepted. He then warned her that nothing would happen because he was in a relationship and at the same time, told her he still didn't want his gf to know. 

So he went at her place, they had a long discussion where he told her that he was socially awkward, that he needed an "emotional connection" in order to open himself up to people and that he really struggled to make friends. 

He then asked L for a dance, and apparently they were also dancing pretty close 🤦 This made L really suspicious of his behavior

It's funny how he only "connects" with women on an emotional level and how this type of connection implies close dancing, that's absurd.  

I mean, this guy seems like a total player. I feel sorry for his girlfriend. 

Anyway, I am going to avoid him at all costs. 

I am going to tell him I don't want to text him anymore 

 

 

Especially since you seem to be overly cautious about dating this is wayyy too much time to think about and talk about a person who behaves this way.  It’s like when I get a Facebook request from a man I don’t know. Depending on his profile I either block immediately or ask him how he knows me or if he knows my husband. If it checks out I accept. If not I block. I don’t analyze why a person is randomly trying to connect with me, what could be wrong with him for doing so etc. Same with let’s say interviewing for a new job. Do you spend time after an off interview analyzing why it seemed fishy oe why the person may have behaved oddly or inappropriately? If you want a new job you move on asap to greener pastures and leave the analyzing to a therapist or some business analyst.

If you truly want to be open and reasonably positive and reasonably approachable don’t waste time on feeding your generalized suspicions of relationships by focusing on some person with obviously questionable ethics and social skills - understatement. JMHO. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

 . He texted me yesterday at midnight (!!!!) asking if he could come to my place and see me, of course I refused !! I immediately informed the other girl he's texting   I am going to tell him I don't want to text him anymore 

It's definitely time to lose his number and delete and block him. Please don't call his GFs, what's the point? 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

He then asked L for a dance, and apparently they were also dancing pretty close 🤦 This made L really suspicious of his behavior

She only became suspicious when he danced with her? The fact that, right upfront, he was hiding his texting other women from his GF--that didn't ring any warning bells for her?

Anyone who is disloyal to their own partner is un-trust-worthy--for anyone to deal with. Allowing him into one's home is a flat out stupid move. I wouldn't put it past an un-trust-worthy person to be casing the joint for future access, capable of spiking a drink, stealing something, or anything else. I'd question this friend's judgment going forward. She wouldn't be my go-to source of advice, that's for sure.

[Shycarrot]

On 4/24/2024 at 5:59 PM, catfeeder said:

Anyone who is disloyal to their own partner is un-trust-worthy--for anyone to deal with.

I second this. 

On 4/24/2024 at 5:59 PM, catfeeder said:

She only became suspicious when he danced with her? The fact that, right upfront, he was hiding his texting other women from his GF--that didn't ring any warning bells for her?

Apparently, yes 😕 

But to this girl's defense, she is a social worker who generally sees the best in people. So when he talked about his struggles and loneliness, she immediately empathized with him.

To me, this guy seems manipulative and disingenuous. 

I know you advised me to block him, and it's probably the most logical step, but I can't do that for now because I appreciate his friend who hosts a lot of events on meetup and I don't want to put a strain on our friendship.

We have many things in common and I really enjoy this guy and I have a lot of fun during his events.  

Later today, I am going to another social drinking event and yes, his friend in a relationship will also be there.

But he also has a demanding job, and he does not attend a lot of events, so I might be able to avoid him in the future 😉

Anyway, when I say he's manipulative, it's because he asked me if he could swing by my place on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, after midnight !

I told him no because I was uncomfortable with the fact that he had a gf and this was ambiguous. 

It was really stupid on my part, because he, of course, backed off and pretended to be surprised. 

He said it was only to talk and asked if it was ambiguous to me. He added that his girlfriend also talked to her male friends. 

And just like this, I felt backed into a corner. 

I informed him that I didn't see a problem with meeting him during group events (I mean I do, but he's not supposed to know), but that I would not want to spend time alone with him. 

Then he said that he felt like I was scared of him, which I think was supposed to make me feel guilty. 

I really feel stupid because I am powerless in these type of situations ... I am not the best at shutting down manipulative moves. 

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since ! And I hope it won't be awkward tonight. 

On 4/24/2024 at 3:01 PM, Batya33 said:

Especially since you seem to be overly cautious about dating this is wayyy too much time to think about and talk about a person who behaves this way.  

I know thank you

Fortunately, there will be others guys to interact/dance with tonight. 

And I can assure you, he does not take too much of my mental space. 

Honestly his behavior is so off-putting to me. I wrote earlier that I found him handsome ? Well, I am not sure it's the case anymore 

On 4/24/2024 at 3:05 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't call his GFs, what's the point? 

I didn't call his gf and I don't even know her. I was talking about another girl who was at the party. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I am powerless in these type of situations

Why do you believe you're "powerless"? Who told you that?

Just stop responding to his messages. If your mutual friend rudely questions you, you can tell them you're uncomfortable communicating with someone who's in a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I didn't call his gf and I don't even know her. I was talking about another girl who was at the party. 

Please try to have fun and mingle with other singles. It's not worth investigating this guy to the point of contacting the "competition". Any guy who calls you just for booty call, should be a red flag and deal breaker.