Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But true, never understood the multi quotes and how difficult it is to read through them. 

I once had someone dissecting my posts to debate me and quoting section by section. Think he did over 20 quotes in one post then followed it up with over 20 quotes in his next post. A few quotes in a post are fine, but think he went a little overboard. 🤪

10 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I stopped seing that guy. We talked a bit after the date and the conversation fizzled out. 

Sorry it didn't work out this time. Don't give up, someone better for you is out there.

[electricorchid]

On 12/26/2023 at 9:29 AM, Shycarrot said:

So, what do you think ? Should I go to the date ?

Am I being overthinking this ? Am I too picky ? 

Trust your gut. I know you wrote here to get a more definitive answer but honestly after writing here on this forum myself for years, I've found that no one knows this guy more than you do, and trust that first impression. If it's not there, it's not there. Time to meet other/new people. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're too picky because you know what it is that you want. 

Also you do not want someone who dismisses a comment you made in conversation, you def want someone to acknowledges what you say/said. And makes you feel seen. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, electricorchid said:

Don't ever let anyone tell you you're too picky because you know what it is that you want. 

Yes! Or, even if you don't know exactly what you want, but you at least know that it's not THAT.

Allow dating to be a screening process instead of a challenge to force yourself to like what you don't like.

[Shycarrot]

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Sorry it didn't work out this time. Don't give up, someone better for you is out there.

Thank you so much 😁I need the encouragement !

 

3 hours ago, electricorchid said:

Don't ever let anyone tell you you're too picky because you know what it is that you want. 

Thank you very much, and I get what you're saying.

But at the same time, I am 30 and I only have a few months relationship under my belt. I have been single for 6 years. It does not seems that long to me, but every time I mention it to someone, it makes their jaw drop. It's hilarious to watch 😂

Just a few days ago, two girls I met could not believe their ears !  

I read some interesting takes on reddit about people who always were in a relationship. Of course there were some comments claiming it was because of a fear of being alone, lower standards blah blah ...

But then some of the replies suggested that maybe, those people were genuinely interested in other people, more open-minded, outgoing, and knew how to appreciate a wider range of personality ! 

I would like to fall in the second category (the part of being generally appreciative of more people) but at the same time, it would be difficult to do so without compromising any of my values ! 

Maybe I am too uptight and have a distorted idea of love ? Maybe what I think I want is not really what I want or what could make me happy ?

Ugh, I think too much ... 

Attributing the fact I have been single of these years to external factors (me moving a lot, my studies, shyness, luck or whatever ...) may be true to some extent, but I think I would miss a great opportunity of self-growth, don't you think ?

I know I have a tendency to blame-myself though, so maybe I am too hard on myself 😅 

Sorry, I am digressing ! 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

 me moving a lot, my studies, shyness, luck or whatever ..

Try not to minimize the impact of this and be proud of your accomplishments. 

Please don't confuse anxiety and reddit musing with your obvious situation of an intense profession and training. 12 years of training and education is not like someone on reddit with a McJob. 

Relationships are not for self growth. Of course you don't have to settle for anything. Maybe it's not your time to tie yourself down right now. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you so much 😁I need the encouragement !

 

Thank you very much, and I get what you're saying.

But at the same time, I am 30 and I only have a few months relationship under my belt. I have been single for 6 years. It does not seems that long to me, but every time I mention it to someone, it makes their jaw drop. It's hilarious to watch 😂

Just a few days ago, two girls I met could not believe their ears !  

I read some interesting takes on reddit about people who always were in a relationship. Of course there were some comments claiming it was because of a fear of being alone, lower standards blah blah ...

But then some of the replies suggested that maybe, those people were genuinely interested in other people, more open-minded, outgoing, and knew how to appreciate a wider range of personality ! 

I would like to fall in the second category (the part of being generally appreciative of more people) but at the same time, it would be difficult to do so without compromising any of my values ! 

Maybe I am too uptight and have a distorted idea of love ? Maybe what I think I want is not really what I want or what could make me happy ?

Ugh, I think too much ... 

Attributing the fact I have been single of these years to external factors (me moving a lot, my studies, shyness, luck or whatever ...) may be true to some extent, but I think I would miss a great opportunity of self-growth, don't you think ?

I know I have a tendency to blame-myself though, so maybe I am too hard on myself 😅 

Sorry, I am digressing ! 

 

 

I’ve been inspired to change and grow because of my marriage. Even today I reacted in a drastically different way to a very stressful situation in order to be a better person and parent. But I agree don’t get involved for “self growth”. For sure get involved in volunteer work or exercise programs or yoga or pickleball in part for self growth. But to me the growth from a relationship is a benefit but not the reason. It’s totally fine not to be inspired to be in a romantic relationship.  You don’t seem to have negative attitudes about men you simply aren’t motivated to go out there and meet people potentially to date. Right now. That’s ok !!

[Shycarrot]

Sorry, English is not my first language 😅 

 

I meant if I convince myself I am single purely because of external reasons, then I will miss a chance of self growth. 
Meaning I won’t reflect on the reasons that are under my control (my « pickiness ») 

Is that clearer ?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Sorry, English is not my first language 😅 

 

I meant if I convince myself I am single purely because of external reasons, then I will miss a chance of self growth. 
Meaning I won’t reflect on the reasons that are under my control (my « pickiness ») 

Is that clearer ?

Oh I see -you want to get to the root of why you're choosing not to date/look to date so you can know yourself better and perhaps tackle those internal reasons that may not be good reasons/healthy reasons?

[lostandhurt]

On 2/19/2024 at 11:16 AM, Shycarrot said:

Oh no ! I am really sorry 😭

 

I thought this was convenient for everyone. 

But just to give you an update : I stopped seing that guy. We talked a bit after the date and the conversation fizzled out. 

Thanks again for your help ❤️

Multi quote all you like, your thread means your rules.

  The best part of all this is now you know for sure.  No wondering or second guessing, you met him, have it some thought and made a choice.

 Often times it takes less time and effort to just meet the person than ponder it for days and days and then never really know if you made the right call.

 Best of luck on your search.  With each encounter you hone your skills.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I have been single for 6 years. It does not seems that long to me,

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

would like to fall in the second category (the part of being generally appreciative of more people) but at the same time, it would be difficult to do so without compromising any of my values ! 

Maybe I am too uptight and have a distorted idea of love ? Maybe what I think I want is not really what I want or what could make me happy ?

Maybe forcing yourself to try to like what you don't like is exhausting, so it turns you off from wanting to get back out there and meet the next person?

Maybe if you could get comfortable with the idea of walking away from people who don't appeal to you, you'd find dating less stressful, and you could enjoy pursuing it more?

[Shycarrot]

On 2/20/2024 at 10:01 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to minimize the impact of this and be proud of your accomplishments. 

Thanks, it’s not always easy. I come from a conservative family. 
Needless to say, my « accomplishments » are worth nothing if I am not married with kids 😅 

 

On 2/21/2024 at 12:14 AM, Batya33 said:

you want to get to the root of why you're choosing not to date/look to date so you can know yourself better and perhaps tackle those internal reasons that may not be good reasons/healthy reasons?

I think I want to get to the root of why I haven’t been romantically interested in many people in the last 6 years 🤔 

Whereas my friends are constantly falling in love. 

When I was 27, I had a crush for 2 of my coworkers (not at the same time) but sadly they were already in a relationship… and that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Since I made that post, I went to another date on January ! The guy was nice, but also not someone I could see myself with in the future. 
Plus, he lived one hour and a half away. 
 

So in total, I have had 10 first dates now (I miscalculated in my original post) in 3 years.

Even though I made a great friend through the apps, I feel a bit discouraged. 

My sister met her ex boyfriend on her first date, and after that, it took her 2 months to find someone else. 

The friend I am talking about in the other thread always has a crush on someone, even if it does not develop to a full relationship. 

So yes, sometimes I am wondering if something is wrong with me?

I can easily be physically attracted to someone, but an emotional connection is a whole another level. 
 

On 2/21/2024 at 1:04 AM, lostandhurt said:

Best of luck on your search.  With each encounter you hone your skills.

Thank you ❤️

 

On 2/21/2024 at 1:05 AM, catfeeder said:

Maybe forcing yourself to try to like what you don't like is exhausting, so it turns you off from wanting to get back out there and meet the next person?

Yes, I am guilty of that 😂

And realistically, I know I have no other choice than going back to dating because it’s literally the only way that I can meet someone. 

I have tried meetups (well, the closest thing you can find in my country) and the men there are generally way older and creepy. 
Every woman I met told me that. Sorry if that sound offensive. 
As a result, I only go to women only events 😅 and many many women do the same 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

. I come from a conservative family. Needless to say, my « accomplishments » are worth nothing if I am not married with kids . I have no other choice than going back to dating because it’s literally the only way that I can meet someone. 

Unfortunately it seems like the only reason you're dating is to adhere to family expectations. You don't seem interested in men or relationships whatsoever.

That's ok. Maybe you enjoy being independent and free. Maybe you're rebelling against family. Maybe being tied down and stuck with a husband and family isn't appealing to you. 

The first person to be honest with is yourself rather than going through the motions just because you think you should.  

You also seem to be balanced, accomplished,etc.  but shopping for neurosis with "am I too picky", "am I too needy", etc.  Why not be true and honest with yourself? 

[Shycarrot]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like the only reason you're dating is to adhere to family expectations. You don't seem interested in men or relationships whatsoever

Thanks for your help, but I don’t think that’s true at all
If I didn’t want a relationship, why would I feel so sad and envious sometimes of people in a relationship ?

When I was younger I used to fantasize a lot about romance, falling in love … 

But like I said in the other thread, i never believed if would happen for me, for plenty of reasons.
It was just a fantasy, something nice other people get to experience…

That’s why I invested so much in others areas of my life. 

So if I want to be honest with myself, I have to acknowledge the fact that I do wish to live a healthy relationship someday. 
 

Sure, I am really independent and I wouldn’t want to be smothered by a partner, but I guess I could find someone that has a similar need for personal space ? 
 

In general, and I am not sure I understand why, but people seem surprised that I am not partnered up ? I am told I « impress » guys, whatever that means 

Last week, a recently single women confessed she was worried she would never find someone because I never did (yes, I know, that’s absurd). She was 27 

I had to tell her whatever she sees in me is only her opinion, plus I have personal issues that explain my situation I think 

[Coily]

11 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thanks for your help, but I don’t think that’s true at all
If I didn’t want a relationship, why would I feel so sad and envious sometimes of people in a relationship ?

When I was younger I used to fantasize a lot about romance, falling in love … 

But like I said in the other thread, i never believed if would happen for me, for plenty of reasons.
It was just a fantasy, someone nice other people get to experience.

So I want to be honest with myself, I have to acknowledge the fact that I do wish to live a healthy relationship someday. 
 

Sure, I am really independent and I wouldn’t want to be smothered by a partner, but I guess I could find someone that has a similar need for personal space ? 

I'll just say I think Wise is hyper-focusing on something that you said casually.

While i agree you may feel external pressure to find someone, I don't think that seems to effect your approach to dating here. Perhaps you are giving yourself unrealistic expectations in how a potential partner is supposed to be?

Standards are good, unless they start negatively effecting how you see otherwise good men you could date. That's not so say don't have high standards, but re-evaluate them between must haves and nice to have, sometimes we all get those blurred

As far as independence, I have noticed some people take that to an extreme, it's no longer that that can function in a healthy manner on their own; but more "How dare you want to form a bond." There is little communication about healthy personal space boundaries.

I think you are looking at this mostly realistically, but sometimes we get caught up in out own thoughts too much.

 

 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Sure, I am really independent and I wouldn’t want to be smothered by a partner, but I guess I could find someone that has a similar need for personal space ? 

I find this so odd! Why would you assume anyone healthy would want to smother you?? I've always been really independent.  I still am. I always wanted marriage and  family.  Both are true and both coexist.  Healthy people need personal space.  I mean -common sense.

If you truly want a healthy relationship -not just motivated by family pressure -for sure it's worth the hard work to find one IMO. Crushes can be really fun.  Including on unavailable people.  And if they consume  you or you make excuses as to why you're not proactively looking to meet people then they're less healthy.

People comment about lots of stuff about marital status - just keep it in its proper place -off the radar!

[Shycarrot]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I find this so odd! Why would you assume anyone healthy would want to smother you?? I've always been really independent.  I still am. I always wanted marriage and  family.  Both are true and both coexist.  Healthy people need personal space.  I mean -common sense.

If you truly want a healthy relationship -not just motivated by family pressure -for sure it's worth the hard work to find one IMO. Crushes can be really fun.  Including on unavailable people.  And if they consume  you or you make excuses as to why you're not proactively looking to meet people then they're less healthy.

People comment about lots of stuff about marital status - just keep it in its proper place -off the radar!

Oh that’s not what I implied ! I was just saying if I find a partner, I don’t want him to be smothering 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

Perhaps you are giving yourself unrealistic expectations in how a potential partner is supposed to be?

Thanks for your reply 

Maybe. How would I know that ? 
 

4 hours ago, Coily said:

Standards are good, unless they start negatively effecting how you see otherwise good men you could date. That's not so say don't have high standards, but re-evaluate them between must haves and nice to have, sometimes we all get those blurred

Yes, thank you. 
My must haves are : 

Kind, caring, financially stable, does not do drug, does not smoke, not a heavy drinker, tolerates cats (I have one), progressive values, has a healthy lifestyle, curious 

 

Nice to have : funny ? Likes to dance ? 
And I don’t know, I guess any likeable personality traits that I haven’t mentioned above 

 

 

[Coily]

10 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thanks for your reply 

Maybe. How would I know that ? 
 

Yes, thank you. 
My must haves are : 

Kind, caring, financially stable, does not do drug, does not smoke, tolerates cats (I have one), progressive values, has a healthy lifestyle, curious 

 

Nice to have : funny ? Likes to dance ? 
And I don’t know, I guess any likeable personality traits that I haven’t mentioned above 

 

 

So take these qualities you have listed, and look at the men who you have dated in the past. See where things align, and don't.

Say for example the healthy lifestyle, this is all theoretical so forgive inaccuracies. So in this fictional example you hit the gym for an hour every day, 6 days a week; and eat junky food as you'll burn it off. Mr X hates the gym, but he is careful with his diet and is very active. Would this align well enough or would you write Mr X off?

You don't have to answer, but something to reflect if there are deviations that you would find acceptable.

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Oh that’s not what I implied ! I was just saying if I find a partner, I don’t want him to be smothering 

 

 

Of course -who would? Then he's not a "partner" he's a person attempting to smother you.

[Shycarrot]

13 hours ago, Coily said:

You don't have to answer, but something to reflect if there are deviations that you would find acceptable.

 

Thank you 

I will try to do that ! 
 

Now that I think about it, there is this optician guy that I find very cute. 

He’s tall, handsome, and seems really friendly, kind and easy to talk to. 

That might seem silly, but one of the customer complained about his « big » nose and how difficult it was to find well-fitting glasses and his reply was so sweet and reassuring. 
I need someone that has a kind nature like this 

Since my whole family goes to see him, he interacts with all of them and he knows my father well. 
 

I would like to get to know him but he’s a few years older than me, so he’s probably taken. 
And I am a bit put off about the fact he knows my family so well. 
Like, my mother is emotionally and physically abusive, she’s objectively an awful person. 
But of course, none of that is apparent when you know her from the outside. 
So I’ll have to warn whoever I end up with if that happens, that I intend to cut my mother off my life and that I certainly don’t want her to come at my wedding, or worse, to meet my kids if I end up having children. 
Trust me if you knew my story, you’d think that’s warranted .

Anyway, we barely interacted with this guy because … I find him intimidating. 
He made a joke once because we have the same birthday and I laughed nervously lol 

 

My sister knows about this and has to get new glasses. I am going to help her choose her new pair and I would like to try some kind of approach with the guy, but I don’t know how ?

My father is supposed to go with us because it’s his insurance. 
 Should I try to ditch him ? Lol 

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you 

I will try to do that ! 
 

Now that I think about it, there is this optician guy that I find very cute. 

He’s tall, handsome, and seems really friendly, kind and easy to talk to. 

That might seem silly, but one of the customer complained about his « big » nose and how difficult it was to find well-fitting glasses and his reply was so sweet and reassuring. 
I need someone that has a kind nature like this 

Since my whole family goes to see him, he interacts with all of them and he knows my father well. 
 

I would like to get to know him but he’s a few years older than me, so he’s probably taken. 
And I am a bit put off about the fact he knows my family so well. 
Like, my mother is emotionally and physically abusive, she’s objectively an awful person. 
But of course, none of that is apparent when you know her from the outside. 
So I’ll have to warn whoever I end up with if that happens, that I intend to cut my mother off my life and that I certainly don’t want her to come at my wedding, or worse, to meet my kids if I end up having children. 
Trust me if you knew my story, you’d think that’s warranted .

Anyway, we barely interacted with this guy because … I find him intimidating. 
He made a joke once because we have the same birthday and I laughed nervously lol 

 

My sister knows about this and has to get new glasses. I am going to help her choose her new pair and I would like to try some kind of approach with the guy, but I don’t know how ?

My father is supposed to go with us because it’s his insurance. 
 Should I try to ditch him ? Lol 

I would not approach at work in a flirty way.  If they have a website where you can leave a review leave a positive professional one for the optician then mention to him you did so and see how he reacts.  Check for a wedding ring.  

[dias]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Now that I think about it, there is this optician guy that I find very cute. I would like to get to know him

 

Anyway, we barely interacted with this guy because … I find him intimidating. 

You need to overcome your nervousness if you would like to be more approachable. 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

In general, and I am not sure I understand why, but people seem surprised that I am not partnered up ? I am told I « impress » guys, whatever that means 

This could be another word for 'intimidate'. Like the way you feel about the optician. You also assume that since so great, he's probably also taken already. Maybe guys assume the same of you?

This is why it's important not to shrink away from inviting men to converse with you rather than subscribing to ideals about men always needing to step up. I've known lots of beautiful and accomplished women who are never approached, I guess because men assume they're already taken.

Also, with shyness, a person can take themselves so seriously that the idea of someone knowing that they're interested feels humiliating--like hiding a crush in grade school. It needn't be embarrassing to get shot down because someone is taken--it's a flattering experience for them to know that others still find them interesting. They might even have a good friend to whom they can introduce you. This scenario needn't be humiliating, it can be fun to know that you've boosted someone's ego.

[Shycarrot]

On 2/23/2024 at 12:13 PM, Batya33 said:

I would not approach at work in a flirty way.  If they have a website where you can leave a review leave a positive professional one for the optician then mention to him you did so and see how he reacts.  Check for a wedding ring.  

Thank you ! The last time I saw him, he didn't have one. But I will check again. 

That sounds like a good idea. I will see how I feel after my sister's appointment and I'll let you know !

On 2/23/2024 at 4:08 PM, catfeeder said:

This could be another word for 'intimidate'. Like the way you feel about the optician. You also assume that since so great, he's probably also taken already. Maybe guys assume the same of you?

You know what, I did not see it that way ! It gives me a lot of food for thought, thank you 

On 2/23/2024 at 4:08 PM, catfeeder said:

This is why it's important not to shrink away from inviting men to converse with you rather than subscribing to ideals about men always needing to step up

I agree, I don't subscribe to the idea that it's men's job to initiate flirting ! But I admit that I have never pursued anyone, not that I adhere to this expectation, but because I am shy and generally lacks the confidence  

On 2/23/2024 at 4:08 PM, catfeeder said:

Also, with shyness, a person can take themselves so seriously that the idea of someone knowing that they're interested feels humiliating--like hiding a crush in grade school. It needn't be embarrassing to get shot down because someone is taken--it's a flattering experience for them to know that others still find them interesting. They might even have a good friend to whom they can introduce you. This scenario needn't be humiliating, it can be fun to know that you've boosted someone's ego.

It's such an interesting mindset ! It could help me to overcome the fear of rejection. 

I have rewire my brain in order to see seeing things this way though 

Thank you ! 

 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

You know what, I did not see it that way ! It gives me a lot of food for thought, thank you 

I agree, I don't subscribe to the idea that it's men's job to initiate flirting ! But I admit that I have never pursued anyone, not that I adhere to this expectation, but because I am shy and generally lacks the confidence  

It's such an interesting mindset ! It could help me to overcome the fear of rejection. 

I have rewire my brain in order to see seeing things this way though 

Thank you ! 

You don’t need to jump straight into flirting if that’s not you, but we all have ways of inviting conversation with kind looks and body language, as opposed to focusing like a laser beam and avoiding the life around us. You can research this to find nonverbal cues that you might consider.

Also glad you’re open to considering ways to allow your interest in others become apparent rather than hidden. It works well when courting new friendships, too.