Husband subscribed to onlyfans. Are my feelings justified.

[lifesabitch30]

I was feeling insecure and looked to see who he follows online and found so many of the *** and ass pages promoting their onlyfans account. Totally didn't expect that, went looking expecting to find nothing and to know the insecurities were all in my head so was shocked by it and dug deeper and ended up finding out about the onlyfans subscription. I'm totally devasted, the most insecure I've ever been and don't know how to move on from this.
Since having our kids I am very self conscious about my body, especially my boobs. He is so aware of this, has even been to an appointment to look into having an augmentation, which I just can't afford. 
Why would he look at stuff like that knowing how I feel and how him doing that would make me feel.
He shows me know attention, no compliments, sex life is low, which would be much better if he actually acted like I exist. Has never bought me lingerie (even tho I have bought stuff for me to wear for him).
He is fully aware of my feelings and I have said numerous times he shows me no affection/compliments or anything in an attempt to get things to change. Now I just feel unattractive and unloved and like he has zero care for my feelings.

Who's in the wrong here. Am I over reacting?
Where does it go from here. What fixes this.
Totally need advice.

[Batya33]

How old are your kids ?  Has he looked at images like this before? Please don’t have risky surgery to augment your breasts with the notion that that will resolve your issues. Do you work outside the home?  Do you have family or outside help with the kids ?

[lifesabitch30]

Our kids are teenagers. I looked into the surgery about 10years ago, because I was self conscious about it, not for his benefit. I'm just confused how somebody who supposedly cares about you can do something to make you feel so insecure.

[MissCanuck]

42 minutes ago, lifesa***30 said:

He shows me know attention, no compliments, sex life is low, which would be much better if he actually acted like I exist.

This is the real underlying problem. 

What's going on with all of the above? How long have you felt this way in your marriage? 

[lifesabitch30]

20 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is the real underlying problem. 

What's going on with all of the above? How long have you felt this way in your marriage? 

For a while, but it's all been put down to my own insecurities and the fact he just doesn't really give compliments and stuff. But I have said he has no problem paying attention to all of them but not to me. And then to pay for that kind of stuff. It's a real punch in the gut for me and a massive chunk out if my self esteem.

[redswim30]

40 minutes ago, lifesa***30 said:

 I'm just confused how somebody who supposedly cares about you can do something to make you feel so insecure.

Nothing someone ELSE does can control YOUR feelings, OP.  You are responsible for your own reactions, so let's get that out of the way first.  Also, you aren't insecure because of the site, you yourself say that feeling insecure prior to this discovery is what made you look.  That didn't come from nowhere. 

You are focusing on the wrong things.  Your husband looking at Only Fans is not your real problem. 

What's going on in the marriage is your real issue.  What prompted you to feel like you needed to spy on your husband in the first place?  There must be a reason.  You say insecurity, but it isn't just that.  Your marriage is crumbling. 

He shows me know attention, no compliments, sex life is low, which would be much better if he actually acted like I exist.

^This is your real problem.  And that shouldn't be classified as "insecurity", that is a response to his actions. 

I have a few questions for you- 

1. Why was your response to spy on him instead of sitting him down and talking about how his lack of attention towards you makes you feel?

2.  How long has this been going on?  

3. If he's shown no effort to change- then why aren't you making a change?  Either by telling him that you either need to work on things or that you leave the relationship?

IMVHO, you are approaching this from a place a victimhood and wondering whether you have a "right" to be righteously indignant.  Sitting around wondering "why he would do this" isn't going to change anything.  At the end of the day, he's doing it because he WANTS to.   And since you are not doing anything to prevent him besides wallowing, he sees no reason to stop.   I'm not blaming you, but I do think perhaps you need to try taking an ACTION based response instead of emotionally reactive response that changes nothing. 

Here's what I suggest- 

Tell him calmly that you need to have a conversation.  Do not approach him with an accusatory mindset and don't even bring up the Only Fans, cause that's just smoke and mirrors at this point.  Tell him calmly, clearly and respectfully.  You need to be honest about how you are feeling - you need to tell him this-

Now I just feel unattractive and unloved and like he has zero care for my feelings.

Telling him you feel insecure isn't going to work, OP.   Because he can't do anything to control your feelings.  You have to give him action based things he can do.  

Then you have to follow through.  Tell him that this needs to change for you and you'd for him to consider going to counseling together.  

The rest is up to you.  Are you willing to walk away from this marriage if he will not do that?  Or do you feel like you want to stay in this marriage no matter what?  No one can answer that but you. 

Personally, if I were in your shoes- I would tell him- " I refuse to stay in this place of complacency we've reached.  I need more from you and for US.  I hope you will attend counseling with me in an attempt to make our marriage healthier.  If you are not interested in doing so, then perhaps we need to discuss a trial separation."

One thing is for sure though, OP.  NOTHING is going to change by you simply getting upset.  It doesn't matter if you're "right to feel this way or not".   I can shout " YOU'RE RIGHT!" at you, but did that just fix your marriage?   I'd have that conversation now.  If you expect anything to change, you have to be brutally honest.  You have to give him an actionable plan and then you need to be firm about follow through and possible consequences of the marriage ending.    

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, lifesa***30 said:

Why would he look at stuff like that knowing how I feel and how him doing that would make me feel.

I dont really think he cares how you feel. Your husband is a porn addict. To the point he pays for somebody else to show him bobas and as. He lives in his own world where he doesnt look at you as an object of his desires, he looks at OF models. Who he pays to have access to their naked pics and videos. Its him who has a problem there, not you. Boba surgery wont help you there, therapist for him will. 

Is he willing to go to therapy and work on his prooblem?

[catfeeder]

Was there ever a time in your relationship when you felt loved and respected and cared for by your husband?

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication with him and he needs to be willing to listen you.

Therapy? 

Imo he's being disrespectful to you by signing up.

[smackie9]

Tell him what you know and see how he reacts. If it's negative or he just lies to butter you over, call a lawyer. I think at this point you have lost him.

[poorlittlefish]

Your husband's behaviour is not appropriate. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of going through his phone, he started this mess. It sounds like he's lost interest in you and your marriage and has turned to seedy gratification instead of dealing with the problems. Forced affection and compliments aren't sustainable, so I think you need to consider whether there's enough to warrant staying. 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, lifesa***30 said:

he just doesn't really give compliments and stuff.

I am going to assume you have talked to him about this. 

What was his  response? 

[Tinydance]

Well I think there are a few things going on here and I don't think Only Fans is the only issue. I think the main issue is that you do feel insecure and maybe your husband has been contributing to that. When you went for an appointment for the breast surgery, did your husband want you to get it? Or was it more your idea?

I agree that Only Fans is probably a bigger deal than just watching porn for example. I've seen so many posts everywhere but women who say their partner watched porn and it made them feel insecure and unattractive. (I'm female by the way). My personal opinion is that if my partner watched porn or looked at some kind of models, it wouldn't necessarily make me feel insecure just in an of itself. In your case I think this is coupled with the fact that maybe you already felt insecure and that your husband isn't acting interested in you intimately. This time me personally would be more the issue.

I don't actually care if my partner watched porn or something like that. Again, I'm speaking only for myself. I see looking at those sorts of things as more just like a fantasy. It doesn't make me feel insecure because although I know maybe those women are really attractive but he's also not with them. But I agree that it might make me feel bad if my partner didn't compliment me, we didn't have much intimacy, etc. And I understand why you find it upsetting that he never bought you lingerie or sexy things, but he's spending money on Only Fans. I agree that in a relationship the intimacy first of all needs to be between the two people.

I don't think that you should feel insecure about yourself or like there's anything wrong with you. Your partner should have probably spoken to you first and asked how you felt that he was looking or subscribing to Only Fans. Not everyone is OK with things like that so he should have talked to you. But I don't think it means that you look bad and you shouldn't get a boob job (unless YOU want to). I'm not sure what your partner was thinking but he should have been more considerate of your feelings. I think sometimes guys think it's not a big deal to look at pornographic things just because they're horny. But obviously this has affected you deeply and you need to talk to your partner about all this.

I think you need to tell him that things really need to change and he needs to put A LOT more effort into the intimacy in your marriage. Marriage takes work so he should be focusing on improving your sex life. That should be more his priority than looking at Only Fans etc.

[Coily]

I have to ask was there a point when this lack of intimacy began or has this always been the case?

If you read through other posts about marriages which lack intimacy, there is almost always a point at which things come undone. Some cases are physical changes, shifts in priorities, fiscal problems, and the list goes on.

This seems to be a culmination of something much more long term in your marriage, until you can address that time frame, nothing will really improve. Going forward you need to have some solutions in mind, well thought out solutions, and present them in a calm, loving manner. If you come out swinging with the OF topic, he will get defensive and things will likely get worse for the marriage.

[Lambert]

I am sorry this is happening.

My advice is to work on yourself.  not because you're not good enough or anything like that.  but I think exercising and improving your diet will feel good and help within.  You have to work on yourself and your self esteem before you can work on anything with another person. You have to get yourself to a place of whole and good enough. 

Believe me everyone had insecurities etc.  you have to manage them. Its not easy.  it takes work. 

[Wonderstruck]

On 8/30/2023 at 1:08 PM, lifesa***30 said:

Who's in the wrong here. Am I over reacting?

You are absolutely NOT over-reacting.

I consider having an OnlyFans subscription on par with CHEATING, and I know of many women who feel the same way.

 

On 8/30/2023 at 1:08 PM, lifesa***30 said:

He shows me no attention, no compliments, sex life is low, which would be much better if he actually acted like I exist. Has never bought me lingerie (even tho I have bought stuff for me to wear for him).
He is fully aware of my feelings and I have said numerous times he shows me no affection/compliments or anything in an attempt to get things to change. Now I just feel unattractive and unloved and like he has zero care for my feelings

If he's fully aware of your feelings and he still had the audacity to subscribe to OnlyFans, then he's a dirtbag who doesn't care about you or respect you whatsoever.

Don't let ANYONE try to tell you that it's YOUR job to "work on your insecurities" in response to him being on OnlyFans. That action would make ANYONE feel insecure, and it is NEVER acceptable.

There's nothing to talk about with him, because, as you already pointed out above, you DID try to talk to him about it. And he responded by subscribing to OnlyFans.

File for divorce, sis. ❤️

[Tinydance]

I just want to add in regards to feeling insecure. I understand Only Fans is a bit different to watching porn. I haven't actually been on Only Fans so I don't have experience with it. I've just seen very large amounts of posts by different women saying they feel really insecure that their partner watches porn. That it makes them feel unattractive and like something is wrong with them or they're not good enough that he has to look at porn.

In my opinion that insecurity is actually internal insecurity. Unless your partner criticises how you look or tells you to change, I don't think watching porn is about your partner not being enough. I sometimes watch porn as well and to be honest it means nothing to me. I'm not saying this in a disrespectful way but I don't think of those people as "real" people. First of all I sometimes don't even find them attractive because they look fake. For me it's definitely not that I'm not happy with my partner but I personally think of it as just watching something if you're horny. To be honest it never really crossed my mind that it could be making my partner feel insecure until I started reading a lot of people posting about it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is yes it is important to feel secure within yourself. For example I know there will always be really attractive women out there. I know I don't look like a model but majority of "real life" people don't. The reason why those people are in porn or modelling is because they were lucky to look hot. Also there are actually people in porn or on Only Fans who only look average or are plus size, etc. And many women in porn had breast implants. So I don't feel bad my breasts are smaller because they actually paid for those breasts. I could go and get implants too and have big breasts but I'm just not interested in doing that.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

guess what I'm trying to say is yes it is important to feel secure within yourself. For example I know there will always be really attractive women out there. I know I don't look like a model but majority of "real life" people don't. The reason why those people are in porn or modelling is because they were lucky to look hot. Also there are actually people in porn or on Only Fans who only look average or are plus size, etc. And many women in porn had breast implants. So I don't feel bad my breasts are smaller because they actually paid for those breasts. I could go and get implants too and have big breasts but I'm just not interested in doing that.

I know of many people who are reasonably secure within themselves- or more than reasonably -and in a marriage or committed relationship have standard/boundaries/values where watching porn -or watching certain type, or an onlyfan subscription (honestly I really know almost nothing about what that is)would not be ok and it doesn't need to be assumed that the person is not "secure enough" -it's simply inappropriate.  Obviously there is a range - each couple decides what's ok -maybe certain porn or watching together or whatever.  Doesn't mean the person is worried they're not enough.

My husband and I both had online profiles before we were married (and didn't meet that way) -which back then caused some techie issues with still receiving emails/still showing up in peoples' searches- despite believing we were invisible on the sites. 

I can see where certain couples would have laughed about it/been ok with it and I wasn't ok with it. He was fine with taking extra steps (as did I -not for him or because he knew/asked me to-because someone told me I was visible and I didn't realize so I made a phone call to take care of it that day -then told him I think -no biggie) -another couple might have wanted to stay active/visible as it can be a turn on to see who wants you etc and other couples may have been furious that the other person was still visible and hadn't made 100% sure not to be -whole range.  Doesn't mean anyone is insecure.  

I get a little weary -and wary -of those who believe that if you're not ok with porn or some variation of -you know men are visual, it means nothing if they watch porn, everyone should be free to enjoy getting turned on by watching porn and just be cool and secure - and if you're not you're stuffy/too traditional/insecure - I mean to me - defies common sense and especially when it's excusing men who "can't help it/means nothing" -becomes borderline offensive to men.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I know of many people who are reasonably secure within themselves- or more than reasonably -and in a marriage or committed relationship have standard/boundaries/values where watching porn -or watching certain type, or an onlyfan subscription (honestly I really know almost nothing about what that is)would not be ok and it doesn't need to be assumed that the person is not "secure enough" -it's simply inappropriate.  Obviously there is a range - each couple decides what's ok -maybe certain porn or watching together or whatever.  Doesn't mean the person is worried they're not enough.

My husband and I both had online profiles before we were married (and didn't meet that way) -which back then caused some techie issues with still receiving emails/still showing up in peoples' searches- despite believing we were invisible on the sites. 

I can see where certain couples would have laughed about it/been ok with it and I wasn't ok with it. He was fine with taking extra steps (as did I -not for him or because he knew/asked me to-because someone told me I was visible and I didn't realize so I made a phone call to take care of it that day -then told him I think -no biggie) -another couple might have wanted to stay active/visible as it can be a turn on to see who wants you etc and other couples may have been furious that the other person was still visible and hadn't made 100% sure not to be -whole range.  Doesn't mean anyone is insecure.  

I get a little weary -and wary -of those who believe that if you're not ok with porn or some variation of -you know men are visual, it means nothing if they watch porn, everyone should be free to enjoy getting turned on by watching porn and just be cool and secure - and if you're not you're stuffy/too traditional/insecure - I mean to me - defies common sense and especially when it's excusing men who "can't help it/means nothing" -becomes borderline offensive to men.

Well I was more coming from the fact that the OP said she has been feeling insecure about her body and her breasts and things like that. Some women don't feel insecure but they just don't really like porn or don't approve of porn. In this case the OP does feel insecure about her body to begin with and I was just saying it's important to work on your own confidence and self-esteem.

I agree with you that it depends what individual people decide upon in their relationship. In this case I don't actually know whether OP had an issue with her husband watching porn in general or more Only Fans. I know with Only Fans it's taking it a step further if you pay for it or actually interact with the person. 

I don't know why but for some reason I don't think it would bother me if my partner looked at Only Fans. I seem to have some kind of separation in my mind in regards to those types of models and actual women that my partner could meet in real life.

For example I've heard that some people on Only Fans are basically celebrities and have like a million or more followers. So if my partner watched someone there who lives in another country and they've got that many fans, then I wouldn't think anything was actually going on between him and the Only Fans celebrity. So to me that would seem very similar to just looking at porn. Obviously I know that not everyone is even OK with porn to begin with so I realise everyone is different.

[boltnrun]

If one's spouse is paying for and viewing OnlyFans IN PLACE of having intimacy with their spouse...yeah, that's far beyond "oh, they just enjoy porn, no big deal". And no amount of working out and getting thin and getting breast implants will change the denial of intimacy with the person they exchanged vows with. THAT is the issue.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I was more coming from the fact that the OP said she has been feeling insecure about her body and her breasts and things like that. Some women don't feel insecure but they just don't really like porn or don't approve of porn. In this case the OP does feel insecure about her body to begin with and I was just saying it's important to work on your own confidence and self-esteem.

I agree with you that it depends what individual people decide upon in their relationship. In this case I don't actually know whether OP had an issue with her husband watching porn in general or more Only Fans. I know with Only Fans it's taking it a step further if you pay for it or actually interact with the person. 

I don't know why but for some reason I don't think it would bother me if my partner looked at Only Fans. I seem to have some kind of separation in my mind in regards to those types of models and actual women that my partner could meet in real life.

For example I've heard that some people on Only Fans are basically celebrities and have like a million or more followers. So if my partner watched someone there who lives in another country and they've got that many fans, then I wouldn't think anything was actually going on between him and the Only Fans celebrity. So to me that would seem very similar to just looking at porn. Obviously I know that not everyone is even OK with porn to begin with so I realise everyone is different.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Also I agree she is insecure about her body and it’s concerning to me that she thinks implants will help. I’m not saying they wouldn’t help in a different sort of situation but I agree not in hers - also as Bolt mentioned. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 8/30/2023 at 11:25 AM, redswim30 said:

Nothing someone ELSE does can control YOUR feelings, OP.  You are responsible for your own reactions, so let's get that out of the way first.  Also, you aren't insecure because of the site, you yourself say that feeling insecure prior to this discovery is what made you look.  That didn't come from nowhere. 

You are focusing on the wrong things.  Your husband looking at Only Fans is not your real problem. 

What's going on in the marriage is your real issue.  What prompted you to feel like you needed to spy on your husband in the first place?  There must be a reason.  You say insecurity, but it isn't just that.  Your marriage is crumbling. 

He shows me know attention, no compliments, sex life is low, which would be much better if he actually acted like I exist.

^This is your real problem.  And that shouldn't be classified as "insecurity", that is a response to his actions. 

I have a few questions for you- 

1. Why was your response to spy on him instead of sitting him down and talking about how his lack of attention towards you makes you feel?

2.  How long has this been going on?  

3. If he's shown no effort to change- then why aren't you making a change?  Either by telling him that you either need to work on things or that you leave the relationship?

IMVHO, you are approaching this from a place a victimhood and wondering whether you have a "right" to be righteously indignant.  Sitting around wondering "why he would do this" isn't going to change anything.  At the end of the day, he's doing it because he WANTS to.   And since you are not doing anything to prevent him besides wallowing, he sees no reason to stop.   I'm not blaming you, but I do think perhaps you need to try taking an ACTION based response instead of emotionally reactive response that changes nothing. 

Here's what I suggest- 

Tell him calmly that you need to have a conversation.  Do not approach him with an accusatory mindset and don't even bring up the Only Fans, cause that's just smoke and mirrors at this point.  Tell him calmly, clearly and respectfully.  You need to be honest about how you are feeling - you need to tell him this-

Now I just feel unattractive and unloved and like he has zero care for my feelings.

Telling him you feel insecure isn't going to work, OP.   Because he can't do anything to control your feelings.  You have to give him action based things he can do.  

Then you have to follow through.  Tell him that this needs to change for you and you'd for him to consider going to counseling together.  

The rest is up to you.  Are you willing to walk away from this marriage if he will not do that?  Or do you feel like you want to stay in this marriage no matter what?  No one can answer that but you. 

Personally, if I were in your shoes- I would tell him- " I refuse to stay in this place of complacency we've reached.  I need more from you and for US.  I hope you will attend counseling with me in an attempt to make our marriage healthier.  If you are not interested in doing so, then perhaps we need to discuss a trial separation."

One thing is for sure though, OP.  NOTHING is going to change by you simply getting upset.  It doesn't matter if you're "right to feel this way or not".   I can shout " YOU'RE RIGHT!" at you, but did that just fix your marriage?   I'd have that conversation now.  If you expect anything to change, you have to be brutally honest.  You have to give him an actionable plan and then you need to be firm about follow through and possible consequences of the marriage ending.    

^^Beautifully stated.  Every last word. 

To the OP, what do you think/feel about it?   

[waffle]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I get a little weary -and wary -of those who believe that if you're not ok with porn or some variation of -you know men are visual, it means nothing if they watch porn, everyone should be free to enjoy getting turned on by watching porn and just be cool and secure - and if you're not you're stuffy/too traditional/insecure - I mean to me - defies common sense and especially when it's excusing men who "can't help it/means nothing" -becomes borderline offensive to men.

100%