What do I do when mother in law invited herself to my home?

[darkchocolate]

We live in NYC and MIL lives in London.  We do not really talk. she seems to be a lovely person to her children and grandchildren who also live in the UK but she never check on me, even during the hardest times. During Covid I got stuck in a new country when travelling alone and could not unit with my husband for one whole year due to the boarders of all countries were closed at that time. I was in a new country all by myself not knowing anyone and went through lock-down on my own. it was a hard time and i was crying all the time and for the whole year my mother in law never checked on me to see if i'm okay, even when i got Covid later, i haven’t heard a word from her.

my husband is a very good man and he loves his family, he keeps telling me that his mum has such a loving heart and cares about everyone including me but i feel very differently. Yes we live in different countries and sometimes it’s not the easiest to communicate but even just a txt message would be nice. I also stopped talking to her because seeing her posting on her social media having such great times with her other children and grandchildren while completely ignoring me makes me feel very hurt.

A few weeks ago my husband told me that mother in law is going to visit us in NYC for a week, not only she will be staying with us, she also brought her grandson (my husband’s teenager nephew with her). they already booked the flights, and i had no say in this. they never asked my opinion if it’s okay to stay at my house, instead only notified me a few weeks before they come. i was not happy when i heard this as there's already tension between us because i why on earth would i have someone that does not care about me staying in my house, but my husband said and i agree that this might be a good chance for us to get to know each other and make things right.

Now that they have arrived, she came in to my house empty handed, also with a grumpy face like she's upset with something. I don’t know about other cultures but my parents have taught me never visit someone empty handed, especially such a close family member that you have not seen for a few years. Anyway it’s not about the money or material stuff but shows appreciation and that you care about the other person. It's been a few days since they arrived - my husband takes them out everyday for sight seeing and he would cook dinner for them, me and my husband clean afterwords and they just sit on the couch and do nothing. she never asked me to join them when they go out, and then she would post photos with her son all over social media not mentioning a word of me. my husband has asked me to go out with them, i said no coz i feel so sad around her, and seems happy that i dont go. she does not talk much to me, but with her son she talks non-stop. i feel like an outsider in my own home.

My head is telling me that i love my husband deeply and i should treat his mum with respect and welcome her with open arms, but my heart hurts and this is basically a stranger that does’t care about me at all, now she has not only taken over my home but also my husband. i told my husband how i feel but he said i am being a bit dramatic. I am starting to have self-doubt that i am too sensitive, my husband is a loving man so I don't think he's wanting to hurt me intentionally. but i feel very disappointed that he would allowed this without asking for my permission - this is my home and save haven after all. 

hopefully this week will go faster and all this will go away, what i'm worried about even more is that we are only in NYC for my husband's work and he wants to move back to the UK eventually closer to his family. then there will be lots of family get together and visits. I am worried that the complicated family relationships will make me so uncomfortable and eventually get in the way of our marriage. should i suggest to stay in NYC, at lease i feel safe with the distance between us. 

[Jaunty]

This is probably the best chance you will ever have to forge a relationship with your mother in law.  If you'd like to have a long and happy marriage I think it will serve you well to try to take advantage of this opportunity. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Make the best of it and talk it out

[1a1a]

I’d be upset about the unilateral decision to host them too. 
 

I think, when they’ve gone home, that’s a calm conversation worth having. Please will you discuss with me before you invite family into our home otherwise it makes me feel like you don’t think of it as my home as well and that hurts my feelings’.

 

And I also like the suggestion above to take this time to try and form a relationship with her. Hit the reset button, give her and yourself the benefit of a clean slate. If she is ever mean to you you can cut interactions short for that day and remove yourself from the situation but the next day, go into that new interaction as if the hurtful one never happened. Think of this as a gift you’re giving yourself to give this woman a blank slate when needed and yourself space from her when needed. 

[itsallgrand]

Is there some other bigger reason there's tension with your MIL for you besides that she doesn't check up on you and post about you? How long have you been married? Have you had much chance to get to know the woman in person?

[boltnrun]

I think it was a big mistake to say no when your husband invites you to go sightseeing with them. You have a golden opportunity to make peace with your mother in law. I strongly recommend you don't squander it. 

[Wiseman2]

Where is your family? How often do you see them? Do you ask your husband's permission to see your family? 

How often does your husband see his family?  Unfortunately you seem to expect a lot of unusual and extensive coddling from her. Your dislike seems extreme.

Your husband isn't making you wait on her and in fact invites you to participate.

There seems to be unresolved marital problems besides the mother visiting.

Are you and your husband from different cultures? There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding about roles of extended family.

[Seraphim]

Get to know her . Being overly sensitive and expecting her to read your mind isn’t going to bring you what you want . 

[catfeeder]

Whenever it's in my own best interest to cultivate a positive relationship with someone, I'll give them a break when they don't behave as I would have anticipated.

For instance, rather than take offense if they show up empty handed, I'll relax my own ideas about pretenses with them. This gives ME a future break--I won't need to knock myself out to find just the right things to bring to them or to buy perfect gifts for them at Christmas. It doesn't mean I won't be generous and give nice things--it just means that the pressure is OFF.

As for the Covid lockdown, are you aware that phones work both ways? How often did you reach out to her to ask how she was doing? It makes no sense to cast yourself as a victim if your goal is to get along with another. They will sense your grudge and respond accordingly.

You haven't told us what you did to greet and host this woman in a way that would help her to feel welcomed by you. And while your husband may be lovable, he's the one with whom I'd be furious. His failure to consult you and include you in the planning of this visit was cowardly and juvenile. I'd do whatever it takes to redeem the rest of this visit, and once she's gone, I'd not only revisit this issue with him, it would be on HIM to make this up to me--not MIL.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, darkchocolate said:

my husband has asked me to go out with them, i said no

This is a mistake on your part. 

I can understand why you are not her biggest fan and have felt left out before, but sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns to to steer things in a better direction. Arrange an outing with her. Try to be the bigger person, and you might just be surprised at the result. If that still falls flat, you at least know that you tried. RIght now, you aren't trying. 

Also, your husband has a lot of nerve making a unilateral decision to invite them into your home for a work without discusssing it first. I would be having some strong words with him after they leave. It is concerning that he behaves this way in your marriage. 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, darkchocolate said:

she never asked me to join them when they go out, and then she would post photos with her son all over social media not mentioning a word of me.

 

10 hours ago, darkchocolate said:

my husband has asked me to go out with them, i said no coz i feel so sad around her

Why conflicting stories? He literally asked you to go with them and you said "No". I am not defending your MIL, in fact I think she should have bought a present and be more welcoming toward you. But you also dont really do anything toward her. Your husband cooks for them and takes them out while you just "pout out" at your guests. Not very welcoming from your side too.

Also, you keep saying "my home". Is it your home in a literal sense(you own it) or both of you and your husband home? Because I can see why he should have asked you if it was your home. But if both of you own it, dont think he needs your permission to host his closest family. 

[Batya33]

I think it was wrong of him not to confirm with you that it was ok to have houseguests for a week.  Even family -especially since you'd never met them.  I know I likely would have booked myself an airbnb or gone to stay with friends then met up with them as I could.  And I agree totally with the others that you should join them for sightseeing and that was a mistake on your part even if you feel "sad" around them. 

I do pick my battles -I recently told my husband when there was a chance again of being around his cousin's estranged husband/father of the kids that I would not subject myself to him again as he bullied me and was so rude it was insufferable - but the chances of it actually happening are slim/not a blood relative, etc.

But I put up with annoyances/frustrations over the years with various relatives/family friends etc because it was for my husband, for our son, for family peace.  Even if I felt sad/annoyed/frustrated. 

But -I said no to my husband's friend coming by to use our shower and get ready when he had other options because it was really inconvenient for me to have to prepare the apartment for him, I told one of my relatives and her family that she could not visit my elderly mother in her home during the covid lockdown and pre-vaccine - it's not even my home but my mom couldn't advocate for herself and no way was I going to risk her getting covid from this relative and her young children who'd be all over the apartment.  I said no to my FIL visiting us in our home during a flu epidemic when our son was 3 months old, not vaccinated yet and FIL had a bad cold. 

When it comes to people staying over or coming over I think that can be different and raise these other issues and shouldn't be unilateral -but if you're invited to meet in laws say yes as much as possible if your husband wants you to be there -and he most often will (certainly there are couples where the spouse says "look they're insufferable -my relatives - please it's fine if you don't come I'd hate to have you be unhappy there so I'll take them out for dinner and be home when I can honey") - but if he wants you there -show up, look nice, be nice, the end. 

Make pleasant conversation, have pleasant body language.  The rewards often are immeasurable for your family and marriage.

[Lambert]

I think its worth it to swallow your judgment and be the bigger person. It's one week. Ok so she's not your type and doesn't do things the way you would.  

Annoying yes. Important for the sake of your marriage. no.

Kill them with kindness. She created the man you love.  If she's not abusing you, let it go. In some respects you are being petty.

Try practicing making yourself happy, soothing yourself in hard times. in other words stop expecting things from others.

When you expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed. 

[Batya33]

Also. NO you don’t have to share your stash of dark chocolate with her!! 😉

[darkchocolate]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it was wrong of him not to confirm with you that it was ok to have houseguests for a week.  Even family -especially since you'd never met them.  I know I likely would have booked myself an airbnb or gone to stay with friends then met up with them as I could.  And I agree totally with the others that you should join them for sightseeing and that was a mistake on your part even if you feel "sad" around them. 

I do pick my battles -I recently told my husband when there was a chance again of being around his cousin's estranged husband/father of the kids that I would not subject myself to him again as he bullied me and was so rude it was insufferable - but the chances of it actually happening are slim/not a blood relative, etc.

But I put up with annoyances/frustrations over the years with various relatives/family friends etc because it was for my husband, for our son, for family peace.  Even if I felt sad/annoyed/frustrated. 

But -I said no to my husband's friend coming by to use our shower and get ready when he had other options because it was really inconvenient for me to have to prepare the apartment for him, I told one of my relatives and her family that she could not visit my elderly mother in her home during the covid lockdown and pre-vaccine - it's not even my home but my mom couldn't advocate for herself and no way was I going to risk her getting covid from this relative and her young children who'd be all over the apartment.  I said no to my FIL visiting us in our home during a flu epidemic when our son was 3 months old, not vaccinated yet and FIL had a bad cold. 

When it comes to people staying over or coming over I think that can be different and raise these other issues and shouldn't be unilateral -but if you're invited to meet in laws say yes as much as possible if your husband wants you to be there -and he most often will (certainly there are couples where the spouse says "look they're insufferable -my relatives - please it's fine if you don't come I'd hate to have you be unhappy there so I'll take them out for dinner and be home when I can honey") - but if he wants you there -show up, look nice, be nice, the end. 

Make pleasant conversation, have pleasant body language.  The rewards often are immeasurable for your family and marriage.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I was thinking the same but just looking for reassurance, you gave me exactly what i needed.  and thank you for sharing your stories, we are all learning 🙂

[tattoobunnie]

She's not your mom. Why don't you reach out to her, and invite her to do things?  Why do you feel you are entitled to be treated like her child?

[Cherylyn]

I think this problem has more to do with your marriage than your MIL.  Your husband is the one who does not support you,  doesn't care how you feel and prioritizes his mother over his wife.  This is the problem.  You need to fix your husband.  He's a 'Mama's Boy.'  He doesn't have the knowledge nor the courage to disagree with his mother and hasn't learned to say, "No" to her. 

As for gift giving,  I actually agree.  When I was a child,  we had a revolving door of house guests (family / friends) flying in from all over the U.S. and abroad to visit and stay with us for days,  weeks and sometimes months at a time.  They brought gifts to express gratitude for their imposition.  We were busy housing,  chauffeuring,  cooking,  feeding them and provided free room and board.  They brought gifts for us 3 children,  my parents or something practical and elegant.  It was the least visitors could do considering they didn't do anything while we constantly catered to their every need. 

Your husband called you dramatic?  He's gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting blame away from him and causing you to cast doubt upon yourself by accusing you of being mentally unstable.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change perception of the facts.  It's the oldest,  most manipulative psychological trick there is.  Never fall for this typical tactic. 

You could suggest remaining in NYC but your husband's work will dictate your residence's locale.   

I'm a mother of sons and I'm a DIL (daughter-in-law).  Granted, my smug, recently widowed MIL is not bad but she tends to obviously demonstrate favoritism towards her son (my husband) over me.  She thanks him but never thanks me.  I've sent my husband off with home cooked meals and desserts for MIL (yesterday!) yet she doesn't thank me.  It's ok though.  At least she's not the MIL from hell so I guess I should feel relieved in that regard.   She could be worse, right?  🙄

Work on your husband.  He needs a backbone and needs to put his wife first over his mother.   As a mother of sons myself,  it will be hard to bite my tongue and look the other way but someday,  I'll have to yield to my future DIL and take a backseat to my son and DIL's marriage.  I hope to be a very decent MIL someday and I will treat my DIL well. 

I hope your MIL will warm up to you though.  Perhaps find common ground somewhere.  Chat about whatever (reasonable) topics may interest her or what you find mutually intriguing.  Go on some outings.  Hopefully, she'll grow to appreciate you.  Perhaps make her favorite meal.  Does she like to be pampered?  Give her a manicure and pedicure.  Get her hair done at a local hair salon.  Perhaps she needs to be lifted up.  If she's still rather arrogant towards you,  back off.  Remain cordial and then she'll be gone.   A week will go by fast and you won't see her for a long while. 

If you move back to London,  enforce strict boundaries.  Also,  you don't have to accompany your husband to every family gathering.  He can attend by himself and you should enjoy your break.  If you're together with MIL,  be peaceful and polite but you don't have to get chummy.  Know your limits.

[darkchocolate]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I think this problem has more to do with your marriage than your MIL.  Your husband is the one who does not support you,  doesn't care how you feel and prioritizes his mother over his wife.  This is the problem.  You need to fix your husband.  He's a 'Mama's Boy.'  He doesn't have the knowledge nor the courage to disagree with his mother and hasn't learned to say, "No" to her. 

As for gift giving,  I actually agree.  When I was a child,  we had a revolving door of house guests (family / friends) flying in from all over the U.S. and abroad to visit and stay with us for days,  weeks and sometimes months at a time.  They brought gifts to express gratitude for their imposition.  We were busy housing,  chauffeuring,  cooking,  feeding them and provided free room and board.  They brought gifts for us 3 children,  my parents or something practical and elegant.  It was the least visitors could do considering they didn't do anything while we constantly catered to their every need. 

Your husband called you dramatic?  He's gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting blame away from him and causing you to cast doubt upon yourself by accusing you of being mentally unstable.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change perception of the facts.  It's the oldest,  most manipulative psychological trick there is.  Never fall for this typical tactic. 

You could suggest remaining in NYC but your husband's work will dictate your residence's locale.   

I'm a mother of sons and I'm a DIL (daughter-in-law).  Granted, my smug, recently widowed MIL is not bad but she tends to obviously demonstrate favoritism towards her son (my husband) over me.  She thanks him but never thanks me.  I've sent my husband off with home cooked meals and desserts for MIL (yesterday!) yet she doesn't thank me.  It's ok though.  At least she's not the MIL from hell so I guess I should feel relieved in that regard.   She could be worse, right?  🙄

Work on your husband.  He needs a backbone and needs to put his wife first over his mother.   As a mother of sons myself,  it will be hard to bite my tongue and look the other way but someday,  I'll have to yield to my future DIL and take a backseat to my son and DIL's marriage.  I hope to be a very decent MIL someday and I will treat my DIL well. 

I hope your MIL will warm up to you though.  Perhaps find common ground somewhere.  Chat about whatever (reasonable) topics may interest her or what you find mutually intriguing.  Go on some outings.  Hopefully, she'll grow to appreciate you.  Perhaps make her favorite meal.  Does she like to be pampered?  Give her a manicure and pedicure.  Get her hair done at a local hair salon.  Perhaps she needs to be lifted up.  If she's still rather arrogant towards you,  back off.  Remain cordial and then she'll be gone.   A week will go by fast and you won't see her for a long while. 

If you move back to London,  enforce strict boundaries.  Also,  you don't have to accompany your husband to every family gathering.  He can attend by himself and you should enjoy your break.  If you're together with MIL,  be peaceful and polite but you don't have to get chummy.  Know your limits.

Thank you Cherylyn! I agree with you 100% - it's a beautiful thing to see reassurance and someone who understands me. I appreciate your time and wish you a beautiful day 🙂

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, darkchocolate said:

Thank you Cherylyn! I agree with you 100% - it's a beautiful thing to see reassurance and someone who understands me. I appreciate your time and wish you a beautiful day 🙂

Thank you for your kind words, @darkchocolate.  Hang tough!  Have a beautiful day to you as well.  🙂 💗

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, darkchocolate said:

Thank you Cherylyn! I agree with you 100% - it's a beautiful thing to see reassurance and someone who understands me. I appreciate your time and wish you a beautiful day 🙂

People especially family such as in-laws can be presumptuous,  rude and have the gall to expect you to be a doormat.  They'll take advantage and if you don't have spousal support,  you're toast.  I'm sorry.

Stay strong.  Hopefully, you can change your husband but I will forewarn you,  it will be challenging.  If your husband refuses to empathize with you and refuses to stand up to his mother,  then you'll have no other recourse except enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  Do what works for you. 

In-law situations are very unpleasant.  I have a well mannered,  respectful and peaceful relationship with my MIL.  However,  we were never close and never will be.  Those are my rules.  I've since learned long ago that practicing good diplomacy while maintaining a safe distance is the only thing that truly works with complex,  difficult people which is universal. 

[Cherylyn]

Also,  your unsavory MIL is "teaching" you how to be a great MIL someday.  You'll know what to do and what not to do should you have a DIL in the future.  You'll know how to be very considerate,  honorable and gracious.  You'll know how not to take advantage of other people's hospitality and have reservations before inconveniencing others.  You'll hesitate being an imposition.  It's not easy for a mother to become secondary in their grown adult child's life.  It's definitely a new lowered status.  It's just the way it is though. 

My MIL has a mouth problem or I should say it was far worse before she became a recent widow.  I tolerated so much ________ from her through the years.  She has since mellowed and fell silent at the expense of becoming a recent widow.  Nonetheless,  I'm wary and jaded.  I've since learned long ago,  that with some people,  you cannot change them so you need to change yourself and control what you can with your life,  your dynamics and do what is best for you. 

 

[darkchocolate]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Also,  your unsavory MIL is "teaching" you how to be a great MIL someday.  You'll know what to do and what not to do should you have a DIL in the future.  You'll know how to be very considerate,  honorable and gracious.  You'll know how not to take advantage of other people's hospitality and have reservations before inconveniencing others.  You'll hesitate being an imposition.  It's not easy for a mother to become secondary in their grown adult child's life.  It's definitely a new lowered status.  It's just the way it is though. 

My MIL has a mouth problem or I should say it was far worse before she became a recent widow.  I tolerated so much ________ from her through the years.  She has since mellowed and fell silent at the expense of becoming a recent widow.  Nonetheless,  I'm wary and jaded.  I've since learned long ago,  that with some people,  you cannot change them so you need to change yourself and control what you can with your life,  your dynamics and do what is best for you. 

 

Thanks again for all your advice. I am the only child in my family and my relationship with parents is very simple. It's an adjustment when I am married to someone and now had to deal with the MIL, SIL, BIL, that's too many lol...I am so new to this and it's all so tricky, even my husband said there's politics in the family. I never do that with my own family so it's all new to me. But it's good to hear from someone who has been there done that and sounds very wise and understanding. Thank you again Cherylyn 🙂

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, darkchocolate said:

Thanks again for all your advice. I am the only child in my family and my relationship with parents is very simple. It's an adjustment when I am married to someone and now had to deal with the MIL, SIL, BIL, that's too many lol...I am so new to this and it's all so tricky, even my husband said there's politics in the family. I never do that with my own family so it's all new to me. But it's good to hear from someone who has been there done that and sounds very wise and understanding. Thank you again Cherylyn 🙂

Does your family have cousins they see frequently -that's also an analogy as far as marrying into the family.  My husband is an only child but he was very close with first cousins.  I think more of the adjustment is that your inlaws live so far away.  Good luck!

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

  I think more of the adjustment is that your in-laws live so far away.  Good luck!

I agree with @Batya33.  Actually,  the geography works in your favor given you have the Atlantic Ocean separating you and your MIL.  I hope you don't have to move to London though! 

Whether your husband refuses to cooperate with you and / or should you move to the UK,  what you can do is enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  It is what I do whenever life does not go my way.   I use my options as should you.  🙂  All is not doom and gloom.  Stay strong and be tough.

 

[darkchocolate]

38 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree with @Batya33.  Actually,  the geography works in your favor given you have the Atlantic Ocean separating you and your MIL.  I hope you don't have to move to London though! 

Whether your husband refuses to cooperate with you and / or should you move to the UK,  what you can do is enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  It is what I do whenever life does not go my way.   I use my options as should you.  🙂  All is not doom and gloom.  Stay strong and be tough.

 

Yep, some serious conversations need to be had with the husband 🙂