Red flag or just being honest

[lostandhurt]

23 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

It's so hard to keep going. Dating at this age and time is brutal

It can be difficult and disheartening for sure.  Being disappointed over and over again wears on you so try and keep your expectations in check and just take everything as it comes.  We tend to put to much pressure on ourselves making it less fun.

If you get burned out take a break for a few weeks and hide your profile, then when you feel like you are ready get back at it.  

No matter what you see or read on a profile always remember they are showing the very best of themselves so until you meet and get to know them you really do not know what you have.

Keep first meets simple and quick to reduce your fatigue.

Lost 

[Sindy_0311]

26 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

It's so hard to keep going. Dating at this age and time is brutal

Why is it brutal? Since how long are you dating? 
I mentionned that you have to be more picky in the guys you interact with… but let me tell you, when I first started online dating (2years ago) my profile was very different from now. My picture were way more glamorous and sexy. Now I only have a portrait picture and a honest description of what I’m looking for and my goals and values in life. I noticed that I attract different people, no more young boys looking after casual stuff. In fact men start a conversation and never ask for extra photos. (Body etc…) They are all very respectful and polite. I tend to believe that certain profiles attract certain men… maybe time to change it… just an idea 

[waffle]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree. 

Or that she's at least 50% responsible for attracting such "horrible" men.  

"Like attracts like."

"We are who we attract."

 

Be careful making mens' shortcomings women's fault.

[rainbowsandroses]

50 minutes ago, waffle said:

Be careful making mens' shortcomings women's fault.

Huh?  Me thinks something got lost in translation.

No worries, happens often on forums like this. 

[boltnrun]

A man's shortcomings are not anyone else's "fault". But it's our fault if we make excuses, minimize or in any other way accept a lack of moral integrity or bad acts because it's presumed all men are morally bankrupt so we just choose the ones we think are less morally bankrupt. 

I think it's commendable that you have chosen to stop seeing this particular man. But I do find it sad that you believe all men lack self control or are all morally bankrupt to a degree. That hasn't been my experience. If it has been yours then yes, it could be due to the men you have chosen to have in your life. But I can't say for sure. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

NOT saying you're horrible OP, only that it goes deeper than believing all men suck or that there are no good men.

Meaning if you believe, truly believe, ALL men are bad, those are the men you will likely attract.

I mean, she could just have a broken picker. Lots of people just dont know to choose good for themselves or just go for looks. So we get, for example men who chase only pretty women or women who chase players etc. Without looking if the person is good for them or not or even overall good person. So OP(who by her own admission describes her date as very good looking) maybe gets infatuted by looks. Without getting to know them better. And when she does she finds out those men arent that great after all. Hence why her bad opinion on men. Her experience is probably bad overall so probably why her opinion is as it is. Not to make excuses for her, her opinion is really horrible. Maybe she also just picked radical feminism mantra or something lol

There is also a truth in that we attract what we are. I have an acquaintance. He took his ex from his best friend. His ex naturally left him afterward with a child. Anyway, when he talks about his experiences, they are also very messy. And he doesnt have too much luck in love even though he is not bad looking and women like him. Also not saying that OP is horrible. But messy people do have an uncanny way of attracting other messes. Her other threads are also about messy cases of break ups and other things so there is that.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why is it brutal? Since how long are you dating? 
I mentionned that you have to be more picky in the guys you interact with… but let me tell you, when I first started online dating (2years ago) my profile was very different from now. My picture were way more glamorous and sexy. Now I only have a portrait picture and a honest description of what I’m looking for and my goals and values in life. I noticed that I attract different people, no more young boys looking after casual stuff. In fact men start a conversation and never ask for extra photos. (Body etc…) They are all very respectful and polite. I tend to believe that certain profiles attract certain men… maybe time to change it… just an idea 

The way I weeded our a lot of bad matches was by checking off looking for marriage and family and writing that it was fine if they weren’t and if not please. feel free to go to the next profile. I had 4 photos. None sexy. I listed my exact height and weight. One photo was full body one face lose up etc. 

[Type O Negative]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not blaming it on you. That's a copout and easier than actually reading what people are writing here. 

I'm in my mid 50s as is my husband.  Obviously all relationships are a risk but it's about balancing the risks.  I wouldn't risk seeing the person you mentioned again.  I did risk getting back together with my now husband/giving up my job/relocating 800 miles away from the city I'd lived in for 43 years to a city where I knew no one, while being a new mommy and unemployed/SAHM for the first time in my life. 

I didn't need to know the minutae of what he is really like - that can take years and years - for me I needed to know:  our values (family/religion/thoughtfulness/education/kindness, etc) and life goals aligned. 

We had mutual chemistry, mutual love, mutual respect, mutual trust.  I regarded him as a person of character and integrity in all the ways that mattered. I still do and I have known him a total of 20 plus years.  And I knew this -actually-early on -I think within a few months of dating him when we were in our late 20s I knew. 

I didn't have to REALLY know him - we're a couple -we're not the same person and we each have our private thoughts and personal stuff that maybe we don't even share with each other - because there shouldn't be meaningful secrets -and there aren't - but he's entitled to his privacy as am I.

  Last night he handed me his phone -which is not a daily thing at all -to show me a pic he took of our son and his friend.  A text popped up and it was one line -from our cousin - and I immediately said -oh I wasn't reading your texts (as I repeated what it said) -he brushed it off "oh we're texting about the game" - but it would never ever occur to me "I don't really know him so ..... hmmmm -maybe if I look through his phone I'll reassure myself he is loyal."  Never. 

Because I don't view people -or men - with the level of suspicion you do and I don't walk around thinking the sky will fall in either. If I did I wouldn't be married -to anyone - why take that risk if I viewed the world as you do -your skewed negative view?

When I realized I was ready to try to conceive -I was 40 -and it clicked for me that I was going to marry him and I was going to be 41 soonish - I told him.  (We'd talked at length about trying to conceive just not actual timing)  he said "if you get pregnant then will we get married earlier?"  I said -yes.  He didn't question me.  He didn't have to.  He had my word.  He had my love, my commitment, my loyalty. 

We were long distance so we hadn't yet figured out the right timing for marriage/my relocating.  But we intended to be married.  After I got pregnant we got engaged and planned our wedding for a few months later. 

He could have -according to your negative view -said oh ok nevermind -don't want to marry you.  Or I could have.  Because as you say "you never really know someone" - so -what -were we supposed to not try to fulfil our dreams of parenthood and marriage because of some notion that "well she says she'll marry me earlier if she gets pregnant and I don't want to be a single dad so since I can't guarantee I can trust her to marry me -- better use a condom."  I cannot imagine living life that way nor can I imagine raising my son to have that negative perspective or trying to prepare him for women who will view him with your level of toxic mistrust -it's toxic because it's based on negative generalizations about men. 

My son is a young teenager and since he's like 3 years old and started talking "for real" I've seen how thoughtful and kind he is to people and animals and plants.  To strangers and waiters and teachers and friends and his parents (well mostly) and his grandparents.  How generous he is with his money when he has spending money -giving to charity/treating a friend to a drink at the pool during a heatwave because I gave him a water bottle and juice box but his friend had nothing. 

He's no angel. Neither is my husband. Neither am I for sure.  We all have our flaws/quirks and we all make mistakes -it's a balance-but it can't be balanced with your toxic view of men.  Guilty till proven innocent? No thanks.  Questioning even for a second whether you should settle for a man who shared that disgusting story with you whether true or partly true or false -that's the really dangerous part of your world view.

 

 

Not worth it. 🤦‍♀️

OP,

I last dated at 33 and found it soul destroying even then. Dating in middle age has got to be the pits. As far as the dude. .yeah, tacky, stupid and immature..Wtfword.. Problem is, the available ones, in age group 50+ are available for a reason..I get it. Husband and I have single male friends in their 50 s and..eh, enough said.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

. ex military, retired, no other red flags. Photos were nice. Him in uniform, playing his guitar, etc. We had very nice chats prior to meeting.

This could be as simple as "looks better on paper", rather than picking the wrong types or men are dogs.

Of course his story was extreme and ridiculous. Whether it's bull or not, the lack of judgement in telling this story indicates he's got a few screws loose. 

[itsallgrand]

48 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Not worth it. 🤦‍♀️

OP,

I last dated at 33 and found it soul destroying even then. Dating in middle age has got to be the pits. As far as the dude. .yeah, tacky, stupid and immature..Wtfword.. Problem is, the available ones, in age group 50+ are available for a reason..I get it. Husband and I have single male friends in their 50 s and..eh, enough said.

I felt the opposite. I loved dating in my 30s, was not as big a fan in my 20s . I met my SO in my mid 30s. I felt more free in 30s as far as knowing what I wanted, and being comfy being myself. I felt like it took that long for me to become the kind of partner I wanted to be too. Experiences vary! Some don't find their match til later than me. I have an aunt who was married for a long time, divorced, and found this amazing guy in her late 50s. She bloomed after her divorce, from constantly second guessing herself to the vivacious active woman she always was but couldn't really express in her "perfect on paper" marriage.

I want OP to know age doesn't have to stop her from finding a good guy! I won't assume to know her age or the challenges in age groups I haven't been in yet. But I don't think it's fair to say everyone over a certain age who is single is a dud either. Life happens, you never know.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I felt the opposite. I loved dating in my 30s, was not as big a fan in my 20s . I met my SO in my mid 30s. I felt more free in 30s as far as knowing what I wanted, and being comfy being myself. I felt like it took that long for me to become the kind of partner I wanted to be too. Experiences vary! Some don't find their match til later than me. I have an aunt who was married for a long time, divorced, and found this amazing guy in her late 50s. She bloomed after her divorce, from constantly second guessing herself to the vivacious active woman she always was but couldn't really express in her "perfect on paper" marriage.

I want OP to know age doesn't have to stop her from finding a good guy! I won't assume to know her age or the challenges in age groups I haven't been in yet. But I don't think it's fair to say everyone over a certain age who is single is a dud either. Life happens, you never know.

A family friend lost his wife to Alzheimer’s when they were in their 70s. He met a woman in her 60s- introduced through his kids !- and they were over the moon for each other. She was divorced. They were married over 10 years until he died. My mom is friendly with her and it was just a true love match. 

[Seraphim]

My mom married at 18. She also got married in her late 20’s and late 40’s. Her late 40’smatch was the best. They were married 28 years when he died . 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, waffle said:

Be careful making mens' shortcomings women's fault.

Right, especially when we're talking about sexual things and "attraction."  That comes dangerously close to "you wouldn't have been raped if you weren't wearing that top." 

It's not a woman's responsibility or "fault" if a creepy guy is attracted to her.  That's not what "like attracts like" means.  Anybody can be attracted to anybody else.  

It's when the choosing comes, when the person knows who they are dealing with, that unhealthy people tend to bond together like healthy ones do.   

 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's when the choosing comes, when the person knows who they are dealing with, that unhealthy people tend to bond together like healthy ones do.  

Well said.  And what I meant by 50% responsible.  The other person is the other 50%.

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This could be as simple as "looks better on paper", rather than picking the wrong types or men are dogs.

Of course his story was extreme and ridiculous. Whether it's bull or not, the lack of judgement in telling this story indicates he's got a few screws loose. 

Totally agree and that is why you meet them as soon as possible to see the real person, not the profile person.

Lost

[Capricorn3]

On 8/2/2023 at 12:20 AM, smackie9 said:

After hearing that from a date I would have ended it there and told him to lose my number. Ewwww just ewww. 

Ditto.  What a creep. Ugh.

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well said.  And what I meant by 50% responsible.  The other person is the other 50%.

How about if we say successful dating is all about screening. It’s not about attraction, we can ALL ‘attract’ creeps. It’s about meeting people for a quick coffee to screen those out and only go on a first actual date to screen even further. And we keep screening people OUT until we strike simpatico with the RIGHT match rather than trying to form relationships with strangers.

Advice from Grandma, “The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you feel desperate enough to pick up the snake to play with it.”

[waffle]

On 8/2/2023 at 12:45 PM, eastcoastgal said:

It's so hard to keep going. Dating at this age and time is brutal

Are you talking about online or just dating in general?  Because there's a world of difference.

OLD is a cesspool, no question.  I kind of laugh when women are so shocked they aren't finding many quality guys out there because of course they aren't.  And then get told that if you're attracting substandard men then that's your fault.  lol.  Although I guess in some ways it could be because when you go fishing in Carp Lake, you're going to find carp.  That shouldn't come as a surprise.  If you don't want to catch carp, then fish elsewhere.  I'm having a great time dating and am currently with a wonderful man, BUT I don't do online.  Skip Carp Lake and all the carp in it.  You would be absolutely amazed what eye contact and a smile will do out in the real world.  

edited to add: I'm in my mid-50s, happily divorced for several years now.  I get as much male attention in public as I did 30 years ago.  Maybe more.  And I'm no supermodel.  As I said, eye contact and a smile goes a long way.

[eastcoastgal]

On 8/3/2023 at 2:02 PM, waffle said:

edited to add: I'm in my mid-50s, happily divorced for several years now.  I get as much male attention in public as I did 30 years ago.  Maybe more.  And I'm no supermodel.  As I said, eye contact and a smile goes a long way.

well, you see, I think I'm ever so slightly above average good looks and I get zero attention but I am not the type to try and make eye contact or strike up a conversation. Maybe you can share some tips... the dating sites are a suckers game.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

well, you see, I think I'm ever so slightly above average good looks and I get zero attention but I am not the type to try and make eye contact or strike up a conversation. Maybe you can share some tips... the dating sites are a suckers game.

I'm in my 50s.  Become that type to strike up a conversation and make good eye contact. I had to get used to doing that again post-pandemic and I'm an extrovert! I wouldn't be married to my husband if I hadn't approached him first and struck up a conversation.

[eastcoastgal]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm in my 50s.  Become that type to strike up a conversation and make good eye contact. I had to get used to doing that again post-pandemic and I'm an extrovert! I wouldn't be married to my husband if I hadn't approached him first and struck up a conversation.

Brilliant! I'm going to try it!

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

well, you see, I think I'm ever so slightly above average good looks and I get zero attention but I am not the type to try and make eye contact or strike up a conversation. Maybe you can share some tips... 

Old people! Practice on them. Instead of ignoring them whenever you're out and about, grocery shopping or in the park or wherever, smile to them and say hello. See how receptive they might be to speaking a bit beyond that. Allow this to start feeling natural to you. Also target people with dogs, especially couples.

As you become more comfortable conversing with people around your neighborhood, it becomes less and less of a thing and easier to reach for out of habit when you really need it.

[waffle]

The two serious relationships I've had since my divorce ten years ago, the first guy I met at a political convention (the relationship ended when he died very suddenly several years later) and the second I met through a singles group (we are still together).  I am not the most outgoing person out there but it hasn't mattered, just be approachable.  As I said, eye contact and a friendly smile (I'm not flirting; I don't flirt with strangers because you don't know if they're single/available, among other reasons) get amazing results.