Red flag or just being honest

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

All very good points. I like that analogy.
I don't have a lot of respect for men, I think they all lack moral compasses where sex is concerned.

Who knows the full story, and who knows why he told me. He's a good father and a decent man from what I can see. He also shared that he was sexually molested (by a man) as a teen. And he was not in any way proud of what happened with the girl.

If I keep walking away from every man that has had an impure thought about a teen, paid for sex with a prostitute, watched porn, etc ... I'll be alone forever. Because they ALL HAVE. And if they say no they are lying.

I might be putting my finger on the scale but it seems if I don't I'll never find anyone.

If you don’t respect ANY man avoid going out with them . There are good men in the world that deserve respect. I would never want my son going out with anyone that had no respect for men and felt they were awful. That would be horribly damaging to him . 

[eastcoastgal]

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I hope somehow, the right man comes along and you will finally see the difference between someone who is not okay, and someone who is truly worth it.

Me too

[itsallgrand]

I feel so bad for his daughter! Can you imagine?? Dads are our first "love" and role model for how we experience men. Imagine that's your dad, crawling all over your friends when you are 19. Dads are supposed to protect, cherish, help you develop a sense of security. How can you feel that when your dad sends the message that 19 year old women are just meat to be preyed on after a bottle of tequila?

I agree with everyone. His red flags are on fire. It doesn't get more obvious than this one. 

[eastcoastgal]

16 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I feel so bad for his daughter! Can you imagine?? Dads are our first "love" and role model for how we experience men. Imagine that's your dad, crawling all over your friends when you are 19. Dads are supposed to protect, cherish, help you develop a sense of security. How can you feel that when your dad sends the message that 19 year old women are just meat to be preyed on after a bottle of tequila?

I agree with everyone. His red flags are on fire. It doesn't get more obvious than this one. 

Yes very good point. This guy should be ashamed of himself.

[waffle]

It's one thing to have had that happen, but he TOLD you this?  Why?

He sounds creepy.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think the glaring red flag here is, how it came to the point of discussing this on a first date. What was it that brought up this conversation to begin with?

Be careful not to sell yourself short by making excuses for him.  It's time to send him packing.

[waffle]

As far as "why?" that I asked above, I think it has less to do with wanting to "be honest" and more to do with presenting himself as some sort of stud that women are begging to have sex with. 🤮

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

He also shared that he was sexually molested (by a man) as a teen. And he was not in any way proud of what happened with the girl.

Why are you guys discussing topics like this on a first date? Did he bring them both up out the blue, or was there some reason the topic got onto these things?

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

I don't have a lot of respect for men, I think they all lack moral compasses where sex is concerned.

Yes of course half the worlds entire population has no moral compass where sex is concerned. Sounds like you've just met the wrongs ones.

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Why are you guys discussing topics like this on a first date? Did he bring them both up out the blue, or was there some reason the topic got onto these things?

I agree. I never brought up the fact that I was sexually assaulted as a kid to my bf now husband until we had been going out for about half a year. You don’t know someone is trustworthy in one date. He was so sweet and kind and has proven for 34 years he has my back in that way. 

[boltnrun]

Do you believe there are no good, moral men, only men who are slightly less morally bankrupt than others?

[eastcoastgal]

22 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Why are you guys discussing topics like this on a first date? Did he bring them both up out the blue, or was there some reason the topic got onto these things?

No idea, he brought it up

[eastcoastgal]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you believe there are no good, moral men, only men who are slightly less morally bankrupt than others?

yes exactly

[nothoughtsgirl]

36 minutes ago, waffle said:

It's one thing to have had that happen, but he TOLD you this?  Why?

He sounds creepy.

My theory is that this is testing what she will put up with when it comes to him! Like he's testing the waters of how far she'll go excusing things so he tells a story like this to get the first idea. This dude is a glaring red flag, please cut all contact. 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

yes exactly

Are preconceived notions about all women ok? 

[OliviaJJJ]

This is a really gross story. And there are men out there who are extremely manipulative. Understanding that and reading red flags (flaming red in your particular case) is not the same thing as being a man hater. If you turn into a man hater, that's on you. You're doing that. This guy you're seeing would have slept with his 19 year old daughter's friend if only he could get it up. That's what he said. He has no boundaries.

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

This is very good point, but very cynical. I prefer to see the good in people, and as ***ed up as this was, I think he thought he was doing the right thing. Still not ok... I'm not going to see him again.

To think that there are people out there that are that evil and manipulative will turn me into a cynical man hater and I'm trying not to be that person.

 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

I prefer to see the good in people, and as ***ed up as this was

A healthy dose of cynicism is a good thing when dealing with new people. It doesn't mean you hate men or lump all men as bad.  

It does mean you are giving people a chance. If they prove to be a creep, that's on them, not you, for having standards. 

I think considering this was a first date, it shows more than just creepy. 

Now, if you have a friend, a regular date or colleague that shares an incident they are not proud of, that is different. That is sharing, showing they trust you etc.

On this first date, he shared info either as a manipulation or it demonstrates a complete lack of judgment. 

Either case, that should be all you need to know. 

There are good men (and women, too), out there. What you described is just the lowest form. And when you see a guy is overly sexual etc then you know to keep looking. 

It's not about fixing or settling for the best of the bad guys, it's about getting away from them to make room for good ones! 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

Then he comes out with this story about a time, very recently, he was in Mexico with his teenage daughter and her friend. They drank tequila all night and he went to bed. The friend, 19, (he is 59) came in and got into bed with him and wanted to have sex .. she was say ing "F--- me, F--- me!". He says his daughter came in and dragged her out and the next day he told them to leave and they all parted ways.

I agree with others, ICK.  

As for why he told you, who the hell knows. 

My first thought was that given his age, he may have thought you'd be impressed or turned on knowing a young woman, 19 years old, found him attractive and wanted to f*** him.  Nothing surprises me anymore. 

In any event, big huge NEXT as far as I'm concerned.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

As far as "why?" that I asked above, I think it has less to do with wanting to "be honest" and more to do with presenting himself as some sort of stud that women are begging to have sex with. 🤮

I just read this.  Goes along with my theory as well. 

But again, the reason doesn't matter.  The fact he felt inclined to tell you and the way in which he told you reflects very poorly on him and his character imho. 

 

[boltnrun]

54 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

yes exactly

So do you agree all women are gold diggers who use men for money and gifts?

I feel sad that you think this way about half the population. How will you ever fall in love if you believe all men are morally bankrupt?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

There have been other issues as well.

Such as? 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So do you agree all women are gold diggers who use men for money and gifts?

I feel sad that you think this way about half the population. How will you ever fall in love if you believe all men are morally bankrupt?

I agree, almost impossible to find love that way. Also people who have sons leaves them wondering if encouraging relationships is a good idea. 

[catfeeder]

What fraction of this story could possibly be considered appropriate to raise on a date?

 The stupidity alone of such a conversation would make me walk away, no questions asked.

[MrMan1983]

25 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I agree, almost impossible to find love that way. Also people who have sons leaves them wondering if encouraging relationships is a good idea. 

Also it's such a put off when you feel like someone is always suspicious of you or assuming the worst of you without you doing anything wrong, just for being a male. 

[eastcoastgal]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Are preconceived notions about all women ok? 

Of course not