Red flag or just being honest

[eastcoastgal]

I went out on a first date with a guy I met online. He was nice, very good looking and intelligent. Everything was going good and I was definitely interested in a second date and more.

Then he comes out with this story about a time, very recently, he was in Mexico with his teenage daughter and her friend. They drank tequila all night and he went to bed. The friend, 19, (he is 59) came in and got into bed with him and wanted to have sex .. she was say ing "F--- me, F--- me!". He says his daughter came in and dragged her out and the next day he told them to leave and they all parted ways.

He says they were kissing and I asked what would have happened if his daughter had not come in. His answer was " I was drunk, I probably couldn't get it up anyway"

He says he told me because he liked me and didn't want to have any secrets. I asked if there were any other stories like that... he has 2 teenage daughters. He says no.

Was he being transparent or is this a huge red flag??

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I went out on a first date with a guy I met online. He was nice, very good looking and intelligent. Everything was going good and I was definitely interested in a second date and more.

Then he comes out with this story about a time, very recently, he was in Mexico with his teenage daughter and her friend. They drank tequila all night and he went to bed. The friend, 19, (he is 59) came in and got into bed with him and wanted to have sex .. she was say ing "F--- me, F--- me!". He says his daughter came in and dragged her out and the next day he told them to leave and they all parted ways.

He says they were kissing and I asked what would have happened if his daughter had not come in. His answer was " I was drunk, I probably couldn't get it up anyway"

He says he told me because he liked me and didn't wantI'd  to have any secrets. I asked if there were any other stories like that... he has 2 teenage daughters. He says no.

Was he being transparent or is this a huge red flag??

I would not see this person ever again.  He overshared in a perverted and gross way and he's trying to tell you by oversharing (no it's not "being honest" or "not having secrets" -it's to make sure you know all you need to know) that - he chooses to get drunk like that around his minor daughter and her minor friend - that he shared a room with young girls while drunk - and that he chose not to be in control physically (meaning if there was an emergency he couldn't have driven them anywhere) and he chose the consequence of a minor being in his bed and he didn't immediately distance himself physically and make sure she was safe. 

Also a man wanting you to feel respected would never use such language and descriptions on a first meet -not a man of character and integrity and he is not a man of character and integrity- he's a person who made dangerous choices and put his daughter and her friend at serious risk.  I wouldn't ever be alone with this person or in his car, etc.

I once met a really cute guy when I was out with friends -the younger brother of someone I already knew.  Within a couple minutes of meeting me he started telling me about his date the other night and how she wanted to give him oral sex. I said right away "I don't want to hear about it" and I changed the topic.  A few minutes later he was back to his oral sex story so I said "see ya" and walked away.  (His older brother was nothing like this).

My female friend who was there that night said to me -after I told her 'but he's sooooo cute and he's really successful!! -he was joking!"  I said - no - I told him I didn't want to hear more, I changed the subject and he disrespected me by talking about his sexual encounter - I have no need to associate with a person who would do that.  So please beware of these "great catches" who basically tell you who they are when you first meet them.

[eastcoastgal]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also a man wanting you to feel respected would never use such language and descriptions on a first meet -not a man of character and integrity and he is not a man of character and integrity- he's a person who made dangerous choices and put his daughter and her friend at serious risk.  I wouldn't ever be alone with this person or in his car, etc.

So please beware of these "great catches" who basically tell you who they are when you first meet them.

You re absolutely 100% correct. It was extremely off putting ... it did not sit well. He really is everything I was looking for in a guy....except THAT. There have been other issues as well. I have told him it's over.

Better to find out now than down the road.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

You re absolutely 100% correct. It was extremely off putting ... it did not sit well. He really is everything I was looking for in a guy....except THAT. There have been other issues as well. I have told him it's over.

Better to find out now than down the road.

But he's not everything you're looking for if he's told you he's basically a sexual predator and there are already "other issues??"

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

. I have told him it's over.

Good call. Telling dirty old man stories on the first meet is not "transparency". Hopefully you blocked him.

[eastcoastgal]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But he's not everything you're looking for if he's told you he's basically a sexual predator and there are already "other issues??"

That's what I meant by "except THAT.

[Lambert]

5 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

Better to find out now than down the road.

yes! take the exit ramp now. 

Sometimes a person might tell you something shocking to test you.  Test to see what you'll accept because there's more and worse things.  

For all the reasons @Batya33sited and probably some we haven't thought of, this guy is NOT a catch. 

Total creep of a guy.

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Telling dirty old man stories on the first meet is not "transparency".

I agree. He's just checking to see what you'll put up with.

[MissCanuck]

Ew. 

Did you really need to ask if this is a red flag? If so, I am deeply concerned about your boundaries. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

That's what I meant by "except THAT.

Except that and other issues -so I'm just baffled why he would still be "everything you are lookig for" -are you perhaps ignoring early signs of "issues" because of some notion of right on paper? Meaning those are huge exceptions not "except he hates camping in a tent and I don't like settling for camping in an RV"

[Seraphim]

Ewwwww, nope nope nope. He was hoping you would be “ impressed” he is a stud or something . Nope. 

[eastcoastgal]

So to be clear... yes I have boundaries. And I have gotten into trouble before for relaxing those boundaries for someone who "ticks off all the boxes". It's really hard to find the right person and it seems no one is without a past, myself included.

He could be a really good person who made a mistake and actually thinks he's doing the right thing by talking about it. No, not good parenting drinking with your teenage daughters on vacation. She was not under age ... 19 is legal. It's gross and I have a feeling there is more to the story. So I cut it off.

So don't have a go at me for not having boundaries...

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

He could be a really good person who made a mistake and actually thinks he's doing the right thing by talking about it.

No. You're making excuses for him. 

A man who is pushing 60 making out with a teenager is not a good person who made a mistake. 

The issue I see with you is that you are questioning if this is a red flag rather than recognizing it right away. That is what I find concerning. 

[Kwothe28]

59 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

Was he being transparent or is this a huge red flag??

I dunno why he even told you that. It really doesnt reflect good on his personality at all. Ok, she is of age(age difference is very problematic though), but he still kissed her and who knows what would happen if daughter didnt intervened. Its very creepy and again him getting drunk and contemplating about having sex with 19 year old girl isnt really something that reflects good on him. Yes, its a huge red flag. Dont date that man. 

[MrMan1983]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

I went out on a first date with a guy I met online. He was nice, very good looking and intelligent. Everything was going good and I was definitely interested in a second date and more.

Then he comes out with this story about a time, very recently, he was in Mexico with his teenage daughter and her friend. They drank tequila all night and he went to bed. The friend, 19, (he is 59) came in and got into bed with him and wanted to have sex .. she was say ing "F--- me, F--- me!". He says his daughter came in and dragged her out and the next day he told them to leave and they all parted ways.

He says they were kissing and I asked what would have happened if his daughter had not come in. His answer was " I was drunk, I probably couldn't get it up anyway"

He says he told me because he liked me and didn't want to have any secrets. I asked if there were any other stories like that... he has 2 teenage daughters. He says no.

Was he being transparent or is this a huge red flag??

Why on earth did he even bring that up, so weird.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

Red flag or just being honest

 Both. He's being honest that he's a huge red flag.

[kim42]

Why would someone share such a story on the first date? I think he's creepy and wouldn't trust him.

[Jibralta]

50 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

And I have gotten into trouble before for relaxing those boundaries for someone who "ticks off all the boxes". It's really hard to find the right person and it seems no one is without a past, myself included.

I think that at least part of the reason why it's been difficult for you to find the right person is that you are not assigning enough weight to the bad things.

Imagine a scale, where good is measured against bad.

Basic things like nice, very good looking, and intelligent weigh an ounce each.

Bad things, like getting into a sexual situation with a drunk teenager that is your daughter's friend should weigh 10 pounds and clearly tip the scale to Bad Bad Bad.

But you are putting your finger on the scale so that you don't have to see the scale tip towards bad.

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

He could be a really good person who made a mistake and actually thinks he's doing the right thing by talking about it.

I get the impression that you don't have a lot of respect for men. No offense, but don't you know better? Why wouldn't he? This is a 59 year old man, not a tween.

I think that another reason why you are having so much trouble finding a good man might be that you think there are no good men out there. Maybe you think none of them have a moral compass where sex is concerned. So, when a man says something outrageous like this, you discount it.

1 hour ago, eastcoastgal said:

She was not under age ... 19 is legal.

"It's legal" is a mechanism put in place to help identify and prosecute pedophiles. It is there specifically for that reason and no other.

A grown man who justifies sleeping with teenagers as "it's legal," is circling the drain. You have to wonder what he would do if that mechanism wasn't there.

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

I went out on a first date with a guy I met online. He was nice, very good looking and intelligent. Everything was going good and I was definitely interested in a second date and more.

Then he comes out with this story about a time, very recently, he was in Mexico with his teenage daughter and her friend. They drank tequila all night and he went to bed. The friend, 19, (he is 59) came in and got into bed with him and wanted to have sex .. she was say ing "F--- me, F--- me!". He says his daughter came in and dragged her out and the next day he told them to leave and they all parted ways.

He says they were kissing and I asked what would have happened if his daughter had not come in. His answer was " I was drunk, I probably couldn't get it up anyway"

He says he told me because he liked me and didn't want to have any secrets. I asked if there were any other stories like that... he has 2 teenage daughters. He says no.

Was he being transparent or is this a huge red flag??

I think if you were being honest with yourself, you'd know this was a massive red flag.

That's a 40 year age difference.

She could not only be his daughter, but more like, his granddaughter.

There is no grey area in this situation as to what is right and what is wrong.

She is a child compared to him.

If he had been this decent, respectful man you think he is, he would have asked her to leave the second she came in, and there would have been no touching at all.

This guy sounds like a creep. What's more so, he is willing to admit it openly and manipulate you into thinking he is being some kind of hero by being "honest".

You need to show him to the door and not look back.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

yes! take the exit ramp now. 

Sometimes a person might tell you something shocking to test you.  Test to see what you'll accept because there's more and worse things.  

For all the reasons @Batya33sited and probably some we haven't thought of, this guy is NOT a catch. 

Total creep of a guy.

THIS.

I would put money on the fact that he really was testing you to see how much you would accept on a sexual level.

Who knows how bad it actually gets.

Good call on dumping this pervert.

[eastcoastgal]

16 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

But you are putting your finger on the scale so that you don't have to see the scale tip towards bad.

 

All very good points. I like that analogy.
I don't have a lot of respect for men, I think they all lack moral compasses where sex is concerned.

Who knows the full story, and who knows why he told me. He's a good father and a decent man from what I can see. He also shared that he was sexually molested (by a man) as a teen. And he was not in any way proud of what happened with the girl.

If I keep walking away from every man that has had an impure thought about a teen, paid for sex with a prostitute, watched porn, etc ... I'll be alone forever. Because they ALL HAVE. And if they say no they are lying.

I might be putting my finger on the scale but it seems if I don't I'll never find anyone.

[eastcoastgal]

22 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

THIS.

I would put money on the fact that he really was testing you to see how much you would accept on a sexual level.

Who knows how bad it actually gets.

This is very good point, but very cynical. I prefer to see the good in people, and as ***ed up as this was, I think he thought he was doing the right thing. Still not ok... I'm not going to see him again.

To think that there are people out there that are that evil and manipulative will turn me into a cynical man hater and I'm trying not to be that person.

[smackie9]

After hearing that from a date I would have ended it there and told him to lose my number. Ewwww just ewww. 

[SherrySher]

7 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

All very good points. I like that analogy.
I don't have a lot of respect for men, I think they all lack moral compasses where sex is concerned.

Who knows the full story, and who knows why he told me. He's a good father and a decent man from what I can see. He also shared that he was sexually molested (by a man) as a teen. And he was not in any way proud of what happened with the girl.

If I keep walking away from every man that has had an impure thought about a teen, paid for sex with a prostitute, watched porn, etc ... I'll be alone forever. Because they ALL HAVE. And if they say no they are lying.

I might be putting my finger on the scale but it seems if I don't I'll never find anyone.

Oh my gosh, you really have been around a lot of bad men. 😞

Not every man is like that. I can guarantee you. 

There might be a lot of bad apples, but not all. 

I truly hope you don't lower your standards this badly out of loneliness.

He is not a good man. I think anyone can see that.

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

This is very good point, but very cynical. I prefer to see the good in people, and as ***ed up as this was, I think he thought he was doing the right thing. Still not ok... I'm not going to see him again.

To think that there are people out there that are that evil and manipulative will turn me into a cynical man hater and I'm trying not to be that person.

There is a difference between cynical hater and experienced. 

You seem set on justifying this man, and for that, I am truly concerned for you.

I hope somehow, the right man comes along and you will finally see the difference between someone who is not okay, and someone who is truly worth it.