I think this is a deal breaker

[Mamamarlboro]

Hi so I’ve been seeing this guy for a year now. I’m a 22 female he’s 22 male. When we first got together he revealed that he was living with his ex. She was kicked out of her last place so he said he was just helping out a friend. She moved in after they had been broken up for 5 months the relationship itself was also short term only 3 months and ended mutually due to lack of chemistry. It definitely bugged me at first but I did my best to trust him. He had never given me a reason to not and she was now in a relationship as well. 
 

as I began to get to know her she would constantly do things that were disrespectful to my relationship. Would come into the room in the morning while we were both in bed asleep sometimes naked, “accidentally” slip up and call him babe, etc. during these moments he never laid a boundary with her either. Which hurt me a lot. As I began to get more uncomfortable and annoyed I would express these worries and he would typically invalidate my feelings or just become annoyed and angry. Drunkenly the other night he revealed that they had been hooking up when she first moved in with him. He keeps saying “there was no attraction (which clearly doesn’t make sense) it was just boredom / quick easy. I feel betrayed and now I think he’s lying about so much more. We’ve been together 9 months. I don’t know wether to stay or go 

[Batya33]

Are you two exclusive? I think he was honest -he was helping out a friend and also helping himself to her body and she was helping herself to his.  The problem isn't her it's him.  He is a person who apparently has sex because it's available to him -like in the next room.  Are those your values too - are you ok with his ejaculating in a woman because she's there/out of boredom? Or if he's lying and he did so because he's really into her -well then he is lying and he is really into her.  Bad either way.

Were you two tested for STDs before you started having sex with him? How often is he drunk? How often is he drunk when she is around -this woman he has intercourse with because she's a warm body in the next room?

Also -very very odd to give a woman a place to live after dating a short time -I can see someone who is married or who is in an LTR with the mother of his kids not kicking out an ex right away etc but it sounds like she was hanging around at his place anyway and this way they stopped dating formally but they each had easy access to sex and she had a place to crash.

I'd end it and run the other way if someone has this sort of living arrangement.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Mamamarlboro said:

Would come into the room in the morning while we were both in bed asleep sometimes naked, “accidentally” slip up and call him babe, etc. during these moments he never laid a boundary with her either. 

Sorry this is happening. Your instincts are correct that living as a couple with his "ex" is a huge red flag. 

Unfortunately they don't have to and don't want to follow your rules because you're acquiescing to their nonsense by sleeping over an putting up with this bizzare situation.

Spare yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. You can't change him, her or their dynamic. 

Free yourself from the nonsense so you can date men who are ready willing and able to date and want what you want. Please don't overlook glaring red flags, such as living with (ex) GFs.

There are 3.97 billion males in the world, so why bother with this one?

[Mamamarlboro]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Are you two exclusive? I think he was honest -he was helping out a friend and also helping himself to her body and she was helping herself to his.  The problem isn't her it's him.  He is a person who apparently has sex because it's available to him -like in the next room.  Are those your values too - are you ok with his ejaculating in a woman because she's there/out of boredom? Or if he's lying and he did so because he's really into her -well then he is lying and he is really into her.  Bad either way.

Were you two tested for STDs before you started having sex with him? How often is he drunk? How often is he drunk when she is around -this woman he has intercourse with because she's a warm body in the next room?

Also -very very odd to give a woman a place to live after dating a short time -I can see someone who is married or who is in an LTR with the mother of his kids not kicking out an ex right away etc but it sounds like she was hanging around at his place anyway and this way they stopped dating formally but they each had easy access to sex and she had a place to crash.

I'd end it and run the other way if someone has this sort of living arrangement.

Hi yes we are exclusive. We have been since August of last year. It’s hard for me to answer some of these questions because I was already lied to so I feel as though there’s more that I’m unaware about. He’s a bit to heavy of a drinker but it’s not daily but more than once a week.  I told him it was slimey  if the case really was just boredom and availablity right in front of him. Who’s to say he won’t be bored again and that’ll be how he entertains himself 😕 it all hurts a lot and I feel very manipulated. 
There are no kids involved so the living situation just drives me insane. I don’t wanna be a pawn if their business is Un finished. Thank you for your perspective as well! 

[Seraphim]

I would have been gone the minute he said he was living with an ex. 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I would have been gone the minute he said he was living with an ex. 

I agree. This is a total breaker. You want to be with a person that values you and the relationship.

You have showed him well you tolerate whatever, so he'll do as he wants and then be mad at you for trying to hold a non-existent boundary.

This is hurtful and hard.  I'm sorry about that.  but a big lesson here.  you get what you put up with.  When someone does something unacceptable to you, you have to decide- whose comfort is more more important? their? mine? Is this something I can live with? 

Should've, could've, would've are all irrelevant. You have to decide now.  What you put up with in the past is not a commitment for your whole life.  You can change. 

Dump this guy. Today.

Free yourself!

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

I don’t know wether to stay or go 

You should go.

2 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

I don’t wanna be a pawn if their business is Un finished.

Their business is definitely not finished. It doesn't matter what excuses he gives, whether he admits he is attracted to her or not, etc. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

Hi yes we are exclusive. We have been since August of last year. It’s hard for me to answer some of these questions because I was already lied to so I feel as though there’s more that I’m unaware about. He’s a bit to heavy of a drinker but it’s not daily but more than once a week.  I told him it was slimey  if the case really was just boredom and availablity right in front of him. Who’s to say he won’t be bored again and that’ll be how he entertains himself 😕 it all hurts a lot and I feel very manipulated. 
There are no kids involved so the living situation just drives me insane. I don’t wanna be a pawn if their business is Un finished. Thank you for your perspective as well! 

I would have just walked away -not sure why you commented it was slimey - he's an adult and she is and certain adults enjoy casual sex.  I don't but apparently he does.  I'd avoid judging and simply tell him it's not for you and what is slimey is the lying -what he did before you two were exclusive is really his business.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

I think this is a deal breaker

You think?

Most people set their red flags and standards way more upper then you. Like, for example "staying in full contact with the ex". "Living with their ex" is not just a red flag. Its a communist China of red flags. He literally lives and had or even has sex with her now. And you are still wondering whether to leave? They both disrespect you constantly. You should have already left long time ago.

Also

7 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

He keeps saying “there was no attraction (which clearly doesn’t make sense) it was just boredom / quick easy.

I explained this on a different thread a while ago. Its usually women who need emotions/attraction to have sex. For a man to have sex you usually just have to present him a vagina. So, him having sex out of a convinience is not that surprising. Its you who should have left when you knew he is living with his ex. Get out of there and raise your standards considerably. Because if you dont, well, you see what happens.

[Cherylyn]

Go.  I agree.  Deal breaker.  ☹️

[lostandhurt]

If you ignore all the other stuff and just focus on these two things:

1. He is living with his most recent ex and they were hooking up after she moved in.

2. You expressed how this "arrangement" makes you feel and he became annoyed and angry.

This is all you really need to know isn't it?  This isn't the guy for you but I think you already know that and need confirmation.

 Lost

[Mamamarlboro]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You think?

Most people set their red flags and standards way more upper then you. Like, for example "staying in full contact with the ex". "Living with their ex" is not just a red flag. Its a communist China of red flags. He literally lives and had or even has sex with her now. And you are still wondering whether to leave? They both disrespect you constantly. You should have already left long time ago.

Also

I explained this on a different thread a while ago. Its usually women who need emotions/attraction to have sex. For a man to have sex you usually just have to present him a vagina. So, him having sex out of a convinience is not that surprising. Its you who should have left when you knew he is living with his ex. Get out of there and raise your standards considerably. Because if you dont, well, you see what happens.

 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would have just walked away -not sure why you commented it was slimey - he's an adult and she is and certain adults enjoy casual sex.  I don't but apparently he does.  I'd avoid judging and simply tell him it's not for you and what is slimey is the lying -what he did before you two were exclusive is really his business.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.

You’re right I think I just meant more of his description of just having sex with a body because it’s there. Not shaming causal sex or anyone who enjoys it I myself do. Sorry for the confusion:) 

[Mamamarlboro]

Just now, Mamamarlboro said:

 

You’re right I think I just meant more of his description of just having sex with a body because it’s there. Not shaming causal sex or anyone who enjoys it I myself do. Sorry for the confusion:) 

I don’t care about the others before me because of course we’re all humans with our own histories. It now just seems like overlapping in our relationship and that he’s carried out way more than I was told. 

[Mamamarlboro]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Your instincts are correct that living as a couple with his "ex" is a huge red flag. 

Unfortunately they don't have to and don't want to follow your rules because you're acquiescing to their nonsense by sleeping over an putting up with this bizzare situation.

Spare yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. You can't change him, her or their dynamic. 

Free yourself from the nonsense so you can date men who are ready willing and able to date and want what you want. Please don't overlook glaring red flags, such as living with (ex) GFs.

There are 3.97 billion males in the world, so why bother with this one?

In any other circumstance relating to dating I definitely would’ve left. But he also proposed to me and I had broken it off a while ago because of the situation. I’m very stuck. I think now with everyone else’s input on this situation my question should’ve been how to heal and move forward now. Leaving is the hardest part.(for me at least :/)  thank you so much 

[Mamamarlboro]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Go.  I agree.  Deal breaker.  ☹️

🖤

[Mamamarlboro]

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

I agree. This is a total breaker. You want to be with a person that values you and the relationship.

You have showed him well you tolerate whatever, so he'll do as he wants and then be mad at you for trying to hold a non-existent boundary.

This is hurtful and hard.  I'm sorry about that.  but a big lesson here.  you get what you put up with.  When someone does something unacceptable to you, you have to decide- whose comfort is more more important? their? mine? Is this something I can live with? 

Should've, could've, would've are all irrelevant. You have to decide now.  What you put up with in the past is not a commitment for your whole life.  You can change. 

Dump this guy. Today.

Free yourself!

Thank you so much. It’s more about forgiving myself now more than anything. I wouldn’t say I was a doormat or mousey when it came to trying to set up what I thought were basic boundaries. I felt really crazy and overly emotional for a while for even feeling this way for so long. But you’re right in his mind he knew he could keep pushing. I have to forgive myself for not ultimately standing up for myself and just leaving. 😕

[Tinydance]

It's really not surprising you think this is a deal breaker. This would be a HUGE deal breaker for most people. I think you were already way too chill and accepting of the fact that he was living with his ex. This situation and the ex's behaviour is really inappropriate. Fair enough when he was single and I guess wanted sex, he allowed his ex to move in. But when he got a girlfriend he should have asked her to leave. How can he expect to be in a relationship and continue living with his ex who calls him "babe"? He can't have his cake and eat it too.

If you've been together for nearly a year, he's had plenty of time to ask her to leave. He claims he wasn't even into her so what's the problem? Why is she still there? Especially since you've expressed yourself many times and he doesn't even care how you feel. To me this shows that he's either playing you both or he's got very poor boundaries and he has zero interest in changing them.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

 he also proposed to me 

Unfortunately he's not in a position to date, no less  be in a relationship or propose.

He needs to be free and clear of living with GFs who pop into his bedroom calling him "babe". 

A proposal comes with 2 people ready willing and able to plan a future, it also comes with an engagement ring and firm plans. Otherwise it's just string along talk.

Be glad to can cut your losses in this bizarre situation.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

I don’t care about the others before me because of course we’re all humans with our own histories. It now just seems like overlapping in our relationship and that he’s carried out way more than I was told. 

We are all humans with histories but the relevance here -is his history and his present behavior aligned with your values and standards? I don't care if someone has the arrangement he does as long as it is two consenting adults.  I don't care if my platonic male friend had that arrangement as long as he wasn't hurting anyone.  I wouldn't date a person who had that arrangement and thought it was appropriate to have sex with someone out of convenience and boredom. I would accept him as a human with a history and -hypothetically- I wouldn't accept him as a boyfriend.  Try not to dismiss your concerns with vague abstractions IMO.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

Thank you so much. It’s more about forgiving myself now more than anything. I wouldn’t say I was a doormat or mousey when it came to trying to set up what I thought were basic boundaries. I felt really crazy and overly emotional for a while for even feeling this way for so long. But you’re right in his mind he knew he could keep pushing. I have to forgive myself for not ultimately standing up for myself and just leaving. 😕

Of course don't beat yourself up! I think it wil help you in the future and avoid the temptation to be jaded/cynical about "men" -he is one person who lacks character and integrity in how he has dealt with and treated you.

[MissCanuck]

There is no good reason at all to stay with this man. 

He's been cheating on you the whole time. Next time, if a man says he lives with his ex - for any reason - abort mission immediately. 

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Please know you can do much better than this tool. 

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, Mamamarlboro said:

Thank you so much. It’s more about forgiving myself now more than anything. I wouldn’t say I was a doormat or mousey when it came to trying to set up what I thought were basic boundaries. I felt really crazy and overly emotional for a while for even feeling this way for so long. But you’re right in his mind he knew he could keep pushing. I have to forgive myself for not ultimately standing up for myself and just leaving. 😕

You do. And not only does it take time, it takes action. Get to know yourself so well that your boundaries naturally happen. When you consistently self-parent yourself and hold yourself accountable for your situation, you learn to trust yourself. When you learn to trust yourself,  you'll be stronger because you have a track record of being able to handle things. 

For now just look at this situation as you would if this was your daughter or sister or friend.... you would probably say, "girl you are so much better than this.  walk away! " listen to the Kelly Clarkson song 🎵 walk away- over and over and LOUD! get your attitude up and move on. F this guy.

💗❤️💕

[smackie9]

You made a bad choice to date someone that lets/has their ex live with them. Of course they were hooking up...she's right there for the picking. Men like him tell lies, and he's a big fat liar. If he wasn't attracted to her he wouldn't have dated her, nor would he even want to have sex with her. He's blowen smoke up yer butt hard woman. Send him out to the curb with the rest of the trash. 

[boltnrun]

One of my employees at my former workplace has two children who are two months apart in age and have different mothers. How is that possible? He was dating a woman while living with his "ex". He was sleeping with both of them. As he put it, "well, when two people are living that close together things happen". He got his ex pregnant first, then two months later got his alleged girlfriend pregnant. He had to move back in with his mother because paying all that child support got too expensive for him to pay rent on a place for himself. It was a big old mess.

I'd bow out of this one. After all, does he expect the three of you to live together after you supposedly get married??? That's ridiculous.

[catfeeder]

On 6/4/2023 at 9:12 AM, Seraphim said:

I would have been gone the minute he said he was living with an ex. 

Yep! Any messes between them after this would have been rendered irrelevant to me. Not my circus, not my monkey…